A Life After Death

Grandmom's dying process has been so eerily similar to four years ago when my grandpop was dying. She took a turn for the worst around Thanksgiving, starting and stopping eating and drinking. It was around Thanksgiving '07 my grandpop had his massive heart attack. And from there it's just little things that are causing flashbacks. My mom cannot stand the sight of these little blue foam things on popsicle sticks that you are supposed to use to moisten her mouth. My grandpop had a breathing tube in from December till March and we'd moisten his mouth with those foam things. Since my grandmom's skin is starting to break down from lack of nutrition, I've noticed some red spots on her back- so I'm trying to be more diligent to roll her back and forth. My grandpop had ended up with massive bed sore. And so on and so on...

Well, where did we leave off? Christmas was fine. Quiet, like we wanted, which was good. It didn't really feel like Christmas, but it was a pretty chill couple days. Christmas morning I was a little emotional. My family was considering not bringing grandmom down for unwrapping presents. I cried. They brought her down. She had a nice time, not very talkative, but was pretty alert for the morning.
And Christmas was also the last time she had eaten this week. She had maybe a couple scoops of oatmeal and juice on Monday or Tuesday but that was it. She covers her mouth cause she doesn't want to eat.
The Doctor came on Friday and said that in the end the endorphins kick in and they aren't really hungry anymore. He basically said she can stay on hospice cause she's on her way out.
For the most part we've taken it a day at a time. "Did grandmom eat today?" No. "Did grandmom go to the bathroom today?" No.

I never really thought I'd want to go to change her and just want a wet diaper.

I came home from church tonight to my poor mom snuggling her mommy in bed. Grandmom's eyes were hazel/green and unfocused. They're usually brown. Her skin is getting saggy from dehydration. I can feel her cheek bones and see her vertebrae and her skin on her face is starting to breakdown.
Death. It's so wierd.

She finally let me drop some egg nog in her mouth with a little dropper tonight. But it was thin liquids so she started to cough/choke on it. We got some thickened juice and a little smoothie in her. Not much, but it was something.

But I was torn. Because, really, there's a part of me that doesn't want her to start eating again because I honestly don't want to have to go through this again. No more eating and not eating. No more watching her starve and not go to the bathroom. I just want it to be over.
But then of course I don't. Cause I really don't want to see her die.
I can't imagine my life without her.

But then there's things I look forward to- actually being able to go out as a family and not worry about getting a sitter. Being able to go on vacation with my family again. I don't know what it's like to just go out and not be worrying in the back of my mind about being home to feed or change someone.
And there's a million things I'll miss. If I listed them I'd cry...so I'm not going to. I'm sure I've listed some of them here on this blog before.

I just hate the anticipation of it all. I don't want to watch her suffer. I don't know what it's like to watch someone take a last breath.

And to be honest, I just can't worry. I'm going to do what I've done the last four years. Rely on the grace of God for tomorrow. It's been His grace since day one and His grace will carry me to the end.

Seriously, I'm so blessed. Thanks for everyone who is praying for us. Grandmom's had a very good couple days- eating well and drinking well again. She even sang "O tennanbaum" today! It's the little things! She's been very talkative and alert. The only worry right now is she really hasn't been peeing regularly, which may be because she barely ate or drank for a week, but she's drunk a good amount the last couple days and barely went the last couple days. So we'll see- but as of right now, Lord willing, she'll be doing okay and even good for Christmas. So I'm very thankful.

In other news, my grandmom got a 2nd Zebra Finch for Christmas from my mom, and I think this one is a female...baby zebra finches? uh oh.... Also, she's speaking, and I asked her what she wanted to name them and she said "Jim and Alice" (my grandpop's dead sister and brother-in-law!) which was super random.

Our cat has also planted itself in grandmom's room recently, which is different... We're kinda nervous cause we've heard of a nursing home where they have this cat that plants itself in rooms of patients who are dying because it just can sense that they are going...but the cat could also just really like grandmom and the zebra finches!

Anyway, it really doesn't feel like Christmas is coming- but it is and hopefully it'll be a nice quiet (as quiet as my family could possibly be!) holiday. The Lord is so good to me and my family.

My sister and I visited her on Christmas. We played Christmas charades and sang "O Tennanbaum."
My grandmom survived that Christmas and miraculously came home in January, and began walking, talking, singing, laughing, and was back to her old crazy self- healthy- but demented.

Since then Grandma and I have celebrated every Christmas, getting ourselves a tree, making a happy little home in our part of the house.

Last Christmas, we took my grandmom over my other grandparents on Christmas Eve. She could no longer walk because of her dislocated hip. My dad carried her into their house and sat her in the recliner. We were all together eating ham sandwiches. She wanted to go home. My grandparents shared a little wine with her. We had a lovely evening. Christmas Day she was incredible. I hadn't seen her so good in forever. She knew who she was and sort of who we were and where she was. She ate prime rib. It was a beautiful day.

This Christmas: my grandmom hasn't eaten in days. Nothing more than a little glass of orange juice and a few bites of mashed up chicken pot pie. I've thrown out  bowls and bowls  of oatmeal and yogurt and puddings that she won't eat. She just won't open her mouth.
All her little needlepoints she worked so hard on every year are on shelves and hanging on the tree- now she can't even open her hands. They're clenched up and her one fingernail is dead.
I want to sing O Tennanbaum. She doesn't speak.

I know I've said every Christmas that this would be her last. We celebrated every year like it was, trying to make it special for us and for her.
And this Christmas will be the same. We'll celebrate it like it's her last, and try to make it special for us and for her.
If you think please pray for my mom. Watching her mom not eat has been really hard for her. For some reason I feel really detached and unemotional about it- and maybe that's just the Lord's grace cause I've got to deal with it, but for my mom it's been really wearing. Please and Thanks!



christmas 09 (ignore the date on the photo...)



Christmas '10



christmas 2011



she still smiles <3

This website right here is amazing- It's a map that indicates people visiting a Global Media Outreach website and also indicates if they make a decision to accept Jesus Christ as their Saviour. It's beautiful.

Global Media Outreach is, according to their website, "a global ministry presenting the good news of Jesus Christ online 24/7. Our goal is to stay on the cutting edge of global communication technologies to share Jesus and help believers grow in their faith worldwide."

So...I deleted my facebook. So hopefully I'll be around here a little more. I'd rather pour into this and reflect on some substance than to get stuck mindlessly scrolling through facebook posts about Justin Bieber and those every annoying "tbh"'s...

Anyway, was feeling a twinge of anxiety coming on as I went to climb into bed tonight. Went to the word for some comfort and picked up Spurgeon Morning and Evening and for some reason thought it was the 8th (even though I was just at church and wrote the 12/7 on my notes)- anyway, it was Divine, because what a comfort this Evening was:

"Thou, O God, hast prepared of thy goodness for the poor." — Psalm 68:10

All God’s gifts are prepared gifts laid up in store for wants foreseen. He anticipates our needs; and out of the fulness which He has treasured up in Christ Jesus, He provides of His goodness for the poor. You may trust Him for all the necessities that can occur, for He has infallibly foreknown every one of them. He can say of us in all conditions, “I knew that thou wouldst be this and that.” A man goes a journey across the desert, and when he has made a day’s advance, and pitched his tent, he discovers that he wants many comforts and necessaries which he has not brought in his baggage. “Ah!” says he, “I did not foresee this: if I had this journey to go again, I should bring these things with me, so necessary to my comfort.” But God has marked with prescient eye all the requirements of His poor wandering children, and when those needs occur, supplies are ready. It is goodness which He has prepared for the poor in heart, goodness and goodness only. “My grace is sufficient for thee.” “As thy days, so shall thy strength be.”



Reader, is your heart heavy this evening? God knew it would be; the comfort which your heart wants is treasured in the sweet assurance of the text. You are poor and needy, but He has thought upon you, and has the exact blessing which you require in store for you. Plead the promise, believe it and obtain its fulfillment. Do you feel that you never were so consciously vile as you are now? Behold, the crimson fountain is open still, with all its former efficacy, to wash your sin away. Never shall you come into such a position that Christ cannot aid you. No pinch shall ever arrive in your spiritual affairs in which Jesus Christ shall not be equal to the emergency, for your history has all been foreknown and provided for in Jesus.

Anyway, I'm thankful for a God who knows my needs and can supply each and every one of them. He knew I'd lay down with a heavy heart, and He knew I'd pick up Spurgeon and read the wrong evening and recieve exactly what He has for me. Thank you Lord for going before me this evening and paving the way...

Some things convicting me lately:

• A recent post from my church's Sr High Youth Group's blog:

Introspection…

Here are 25 killer questions one brother in Christ would ask himself regularly. I hope they are as challenging and convicting to you as they are to me!



1) Am I consciously or unconsciously creating the impression that I am a better person than I am? Am I a hypocrite?



2) Am I a slave to dress, friends, work, or habits?



3) Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?



4) Can I be trusted?



5) Do I confidentially pass on to another what was told to me in confidence?



6) Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?



7) Did the Bible live to me today?



8) Do I give the Bible time to speak to me everyday?



9) Am I enjoying prayer?



10) When did I last to speak with somebody else with the intention to win them to Christ?



11) Am I making contacts with other people and using them for the Master’s glory?



12) Do I pray about the money I spend?



13) Do I get to bed in time and get up in time?



14) Do I willingly or unwillingly disobey God in anything?



15) Do I insist upon doing something about which my conscience is uneasy?



16) Am I defeated in any part of my life: jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy, distrustful, or complaining?



17) How do I spend my spare time?



18) Am I proud?



19) Is there anybody whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold resentment toward, or disregard? If so what am I doing about it?



20) Do I grumble or complain constantly?



21) How have I responded to buffeting or trials?



22) When was the last time I sat down with the main goal to simply thank or praise my Savior?



23) When I have a problem do I use my tongue or my knees?



24) Is there anyone I fear, dislike, criticize, or resent? If so, what am I doing about it?



25) Is Christ real to me?

• This Wednesday night message on 2 Chronicles 15-16 about King Asa not relying on the Lord, but relying on his flesh. Though he had great victories early on in his life when he relied on the Lord, He didn't head the warning of the Lord, and in the end of his life relied on himself, his own resources, and it still looked like he was succeeding. But his stubborness, pride, and self reliance darkened the end of his life. He may have never turned to idols, but he still failed to seek the Lord. And its so sad because " the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to give support to those whose heart is blameless toward Him" (16:9)

• Proverbs 13:4 "The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied. "