A Life After Death

Anyway- I'm sorry I've been meaning to update but I'm still not going to update because I'm tired and it's eleven at night and I have to get up tomorrow and have grandmom washed and dressed before the speech therapist comes at 9:30 to hopefully work the poor dear off her baby food and thickened liquid diet and I just cannot wait for the day when I'm no longer pureeing meat!!!
But anyway I wanted to stop in to say "so far so good"- God has never yet failed me in giving me the strength to take care of the little old lady and I'm just going to keep expecting Him to supply all of my needs. I think she's actually easier to take care of the way she is right now (as in- not having to chase her down all of the time- her chilling in bed and getting wheeled wherever I want her to be has actually been pretty sweet!)
Good night!

When i was in highschool, I would go down to my youth pastors' office just about everyday crying about how much I just hated my family and COULD NOT love them, even though i knew God was calling me to love them. And then I'd cry about how I could not do one thing or another God was calling me to- my inability literally would flood my eyes. I think I spent half of highschool drowning in it.
And over and over I've seen God overcome these mountains in my life. Things I literally said were impossible- God was able to do-

"Who art thou, O Great Mountain? Before Zerubabel you shall become a plain: and he shall bring forth the headstone thereof with shoutings, crying, 'Grace, Grace, unto it'" Zech 4:7

I've definitely written on here about this verse, but more and more God is revealing the truth in it to my heart in deeper and more powerful ways.

Mountains are huge. Most of my mountains in my life have only been hills, but if you know me, I consider every hill a mountain, because I am very dramatic
Every literal mountain I have tried to climb has brought me to a place where I think I am going to die, and midway decide to quit (which you really cannot do when you are in the middle of the woods with a large group). Every figurative mountain in my life, usually brings me to a place where I think I am going to die, and midway I decide to quit. I'm a quitter. God knows, I am a quitter. But He doesn't let me be- His grace is so beautiful.
Every single time it is by the grace and only ever by the grace of the Lord that I have overcome any mountain. It has never been my own strength, and that is why it is so important for there to be that corner stone that declares that it is only by the grace of the Lord.

Can I tell you, I forget this every single time a mountain comes around in my life though.

One of the big mountains in my life lately has been this weird little bought of social anxiety.
I've kind of just been panicking lately at the idea of hanging out with friends, or going to college and career, or going to social outings that I can't control. It's not going to the store or anything like that. I'm fine hanging out with cousins, or my family, or going to the nursing home, but for like the last month I've been super hesitant about any outing that may involve intimacy with friends.
And I finally went to college and career the other night trying to just get over my fears, because I know that sitting at home and letting my fears overcome me is never going to glorify God. And I know it was right and everything. So I thought, maybe this is just a little test of if I am going to obey God even when I don't feel like it- because He has called me not to forsake "the gathering of ourselves together" and it's important to be in fellowship.

But I was visiting with my old youth pastor the other day and he reminded me of something I really had forgotten.
God is intimate.

God is not all about me just obeying Him all the time. That is not His goal- to have a bunch of people running around obeying Him all the time. He's not like that. He doesn't just allow us to go through things to see if we're going to obey Him or not.

It's all about us knowing Him more. Being closer to Him. Getting to know the God of the Universe. My Father. My Friend. He loves for me to draw near to Him. And all of the mountains, all of the trials, all of the fears I face, are so that I will draw near to Him, seek His face, Cling to Him, Delight in Him...

He desires me to draw near to Him. I'm so thankful I serve a Great God who is alive, and is involved in the very intimate parts of my life.

And God has been showing me lately that He is so able. He is able to do all of the things that I cannot do. And that doesn't mean I should just be all like, 'This thing is too hard, I'll just let God take care of it'- He desires me to run to Him, to "take [His] yoke upon [me] and learn of [Him] for [He] is meek and lowly of heart, and [I] will find rest for [my] soul" (matt 11:29)- to lean on Him for my strength. To wait on Him. He doesn't desire me to just to "know" that He is able but to truly experience and take part in His ability.

One of the reasons I've been anxious about meeting with my friends or meeting for fellowship is that I'm just scared that I'm going to show up and not know what to say to people, not have anything spiritually to offer people, not be real, and that God will not meet me there. But as much as I know all that is not true because my Bible tells me so, I'm not having to lean on the Lord to know experiencially that it is not true. He is proving it to me. He is revealing it to my heart.
And I know there is still more He is going to show me. And I know that much of what He is showing me is going to be when I am still before the Lord. When I am seeking His face. I haven't been still in a very long time- I stopped expecting God to show me things intimately. But it's sweet now to enter in, to come before a God who desires me, who delights in me, and who I can delight in too.


And so on the Grandmom front- she was supposed to come home today, but the nursing home was able to push it back till next Wednesday. I'm not super sure how I feel about this. I mean, we still have a lot to get ready for her coming home (such as- get a hospital bed, finish cleaning her room out, etc), but I miss her, and have been promising her all week she was coming home today and she seemed really happy about it. She's been actually super awesome lately. She's been talking a lot more and awake and moving her hands more.
And when I was cleaning off her chin the other day she went to bite my hand.
And I was like, "what are you doing?"
Then she said, "I'm pretending to bite you"
Me: "What?"
Grandmom: "I'm teasing you" and she just smiled and was proud of herself for being so funny. It was just a very sweet moment to see some personality in her, and not just a crazy 80 year old woman, living in a hospital bed, going in a diaper, and eating baby food. She's still there and I just cannot believe it!
And I'm also a little apprehensive about her staying because her neighbor told me that the weekend nurse was mean and she had been glad my grandmom was getting out before the weekend. And now my grandmom's staying in!
God is so cool though because her neighbor is a believer and she'd been praying that grandmom would be saved, and it was cool to just be able to tell her that grandmom does know the Lord and to be able to talk about His faithfulness to her! It's just so comforting knowing the Lord put someone in the room with her that knows Him to just pray for her and care about her. He's a good, faithful God, isn't He?

I guess I might as well update before my grandmom ends up coming home from the nursing home.
So where did I leave off in this sad saga???
Yes-
on our last episode of grandmom vs. broken bones we saw Lydia in being moved from the ICU to a new nursing home, and so that was about three-four weeks ago that that happened. Since then, grandmom has laid in bed, growing more crooked by the day, eating pureed food, and watching endless hours of food network and HGTV since that is what I leave on the TV. She has one hour of therapy a day since she can't get out of bed because she has to wear a brace and if she is up to long it will cut into her thigh and if she does not wear the brace her femur/hip could break again. But if she stays in bed she gets crazier and weaker and more crooked. So it's a lose lose situation for the little demented German lady.

Anyway, maybe I should recap a little more- I had an emotional breakdown on Thursday the 6th as I mentioned but I did not mention the one the next day. On Friday the 7th I spent the day at the hospital freaking out because I thought something was wrong with grandmom and no one would have a dr. come look at her for me and I was getting really upset. You see, my grandmom decided she wanted to die and wouldn't eat but just closed her eyes and slept and covered her cute little face with her yellow blankie. Finally my mom arrived and the nurses paid attention to her and I was getting super upset and left because I had a sr. high staff meeting that night. Well anyway, here enters 2nd emotional breakdown of the week: I drive to Giant to get some broccoli to make a broccoli slaw for staff meeting but on the way there my mom calls and tells me her and the nurse think maybe grandmom is just giving up so i start balling my eyes out in the Giant parking lot (the poor cashier boy who was at the register was super sweet to me and my puffy eyes and bright red nose). I don't even know why- I was ready for grandmom to die, but at the same time I'm not because I really do like her and will miss her, but it was just too much at once.

Anyway, I accept my grandmother's eminent death and make my slaw for staff meeting and start driving there. On my way, I get a phone call from my mom- grandmom has been moved to Manor Care Rehab but they are checking her body over and find an oozing hole and think that there is an infection all in her body. Um- yeah, anyway- emo breakdown number 3! Anyway, I attend staff meeting while grandmom and mom go back to the ER, fast forward 5 hours later and it's midnight and mom is on her way home. There is NO infection and she has a hole from the port from surgery and it's fine blah blah blah.
12 am- phone call from Manor care asking why the hospital sent her back- didn't they see the lump in her leg??? ugh! so anyway, here we go back to the ER till 3 am to find that there is nothing wrong with her.

Needless to say, I stopped crying for about two weeks after that (i even barely cried when my dear friend Becky moved to California! and I'm usually an emotional wreck about stuff like that). I kind of just shut down for awhile and stopped going to the nursing home as much (only a couple hours a day as opposed to all day) and honestly, stopped expecting my grandmom to live and stopped investing emotionally into anyone (especially nursing homes and the people there)

so anyway, about a week ago, I realized my grandmom was still living and was actually probably going to make it home from this whole ordeal, and I started really wanting her home and not laying around there (though I surely enjoyed my freedom of being able to just leave my house and not be responsible for another life)...anyway, I had not expected my grandmother home until at least July...well, anyway, I guess God wanted something else because it looks like she'll be home in less than two weeks...!!!

I'm happy and scared and annoyed and worried and excited and upset all at the same time if that is possible?
I want my grandmom home.
But, she'll require two people to move her (conveniently it's when mom and the kids get done school for the summer)
she'll be eating pureed food (i can puree anything from spaghetti and meatballs to rolls and butter- ewwww)
she also probably will be unable to use the toilet (oh great!)
So honestly, I know I cannot do this. I don't have the physical, emotional, or mental strength to do this.
And it's going to be hard.
And yeah, i'll admit, I'm a little upset that my summer of freedom is at an end and there will be no overnight camp at Cville for me this June, and no random shore adventures like imagined, but can I tell you God is good? And I've never needed Him more than I do now? And He's perfecting my faith and He's also the incredible Author of it and He can do all these things in me that I cannot do. And He's teaching me to wait on Him and rely on Him for my every single need.
Yeah, and that's really all I want. He knows all I need and He supplies it all. I love Him.
Life is honestly not perfect, and I'm really thankful this is not all there is and I have HOPE of eternity in heaven awaiting me, and yes, I'm a selfish awful jerk and I would love my life to be easy and comfortable and to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want to do it... but...I gave my life to the One who paid for my sin on a bloody cross and who loves me enough not to let me live in my selfish egocentric world and to transform me into His image daily...Praise Him!

so anyway- here is what I need prayer for- so please pray for me-

-for strength- for me and my mom who both are daily struggling with our own selfish desires- that we would die to self and that we wouldn't just trudge through this season grumbling and complaining but that we would rise up in victory because Jesus Christ is able and that He would be glorified in our waking, eating, sleeping, breathing, working, etc.
-for fellowship- lately I've noticed myself just all of a sudden not wanting to hang out with people or go places and do things- that I would not shut people out but die to self and pour out my life for those around me and enter in to deep abiding fellowship with those around me
-for peace- the kind that passes understanding
-for wisdom- in what to really do with grandmom. that we would know if it's time for hospice and to stop drawing out her life or if we should continue extending it medically...it's a hard line and we don't know what to do
-for humility- to ask for help when we need it
-for love- for grandmom- the love that is selfish and sacrificial
-for joy- that all suffering would produce joy unspeakable in our lives
-for patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self control
well, i guess just pray we would be filled with the Holy Spirit daily, because then all of this will just be fruit in our lives