When i was in highschool, I would go down to my youth pastors' office just about everyday crying about how much I just hated my family and COULD NOT love them, even though i knew God was calling me to love them. And then I'd cry about how I could not do one thing or another God was calling me to- my inability literally would flood my eyes. I think I spent half of highschool drowning in it.
And over and over I've seen God overcome these mountains in my life. Things I literally said were impossible- God was able to do-

"Who art thou, O Great Mountain? Before Zerubabel you shall become a plain: and he shall bring forth the headstone thereof with shoutings, crying, 'Grace, Grace, unto it'" Zech 4:7

I've definitely written on here about this verse, but more and more God is revealing the truth in it to my heart in deeper and more powerful ways.

Mountains are huge. Most of my mountains in my life have only been hills, but if you know me, I consider every hill a mountain, because I am very dramatic
Every literal mountain I have tried to climb has brought me to a place where I think I am going to die, and midway decide to quit (which you really cannot do when you are in the middle of the woods with a large group). Every figurative mountain in my life, usually brings me to a place where I think I am going to die, and midway I decide to quit. I'm a quitter. God knows, I am a quitter. But He doesn't let me be- His grace is so beautiful.
Every single time it is by the grace and only ever by the grace of the Lord that I have overcome any mountain. It has never been my own strength, and that is why it is so important for there to be that corner stone that declares that it is only by the grace of the Lord.

Can I tell you, I forget this every single time a mountain comes around in my life though.

One of the big mountains in my life lately has been this weird little bought of social anxiety.
I've kind of just been panicking lately at the idea of hanging out with friends, or going to college and career, or going to social outings that I can't control. It's not going to the store or anything like that. I'm fine hanging out with cousins, or my family, or going to the nursing home, but for like the last month I've been super hesitant about any outing that may involve intimacy with friends.
And I finally went to college and career the other night trying to just get over my fears, because I know that sitting at home and letting my fears overcome me is never going to glorify God. And I know it was right and everything. So I thought, maybe this is just a little test of if I am going to obey God even when I don't feel like it- because He has called me not to forsake "the gathering of ourselves together" and it's important to be in fellowship.

But I was visiting with my old youth pastor the other day and he reminded me of something I really had forgotten.
God is intimate.

God is not all about me just obeying Him all the time. That is not His goal- to have a bunch of people running around obeying Him all the time. He's not like that. He doesn't just allow us to go through things to see if we're going to obey Him or not.

It's all about us knowing Him more. Being closer to Him. Getting to know the God of the Universe. My Father. My Friend. He loves for me to draw near to Him. And all of the mountains, all of the trials, all of the fears I face, are so that I will draw near to Him, seek His face, Cling to Him, Delight in Him...

He desires me to draw near to Him. I'm so thankful I serve a Great God who is alive, and is involved in the very intimate parts of my life.

And God has been showing me lately that He is so able. He is able to do all of the things that I cannot do. And that doesn't mean I should just be all like, 'This thing is too hard, I'll just let God take care of it'- He desires me to run to Him, to "take [His] yoke upon [me] and learn of [Him] for [He] is meek and lowly of heart, and [I] will find rest for [my] soul" (matt 11:29)- to lean on Him for my strength. To wait on Him. He doesn't desire me to just to "know" that He is able but to truly experience and take part in His ability.

One of the reasons I've been anxious about meeting with my friends or meeting for fellowship is that I'm just scared that I'm going to show up and not know what to say to people, not have anything spiritually to offer people, not be real, and that God will not meet me there. But as much as I know all that is not true because my Bible tells me so, I'm not having to lean on the Lord to know experiencially that it is not true. He is proving it to me. He is revealing it to my heart.
And I know there is still more He is going to show me. And I know that much of what He is showing me is going to be when I am still before the Lord. When I am seeking His face. I haven't been still in a very long time- I stopped expecting God to show me things intimately. But it's sweet now to enter in, to come before a God who desires me, who delights in me, and who I can delight in too.


And so on the Grandmom front- she was supposed to come home today, but the nursing home was able to push it back till next Wednesday. I'm not super sure how I feel about this. I mean, we still have a lot to get ready for her coming home (such as- get a hospital bed, finish cleaning her room out, etc), but I miss her, and have been promising her all week she was coming home today and she seemed really happy about it. She's been actually super awesome lately. She's been talking a lot more and awake and moving her hands more.
And when I was cleaning off her chin the other day she went to bite my hand.
And I was like, "what are you doing?"
Then she said, "I'm pretending to bite you"
Me: "What?"
Grandmom: "I'm teasing you" and she just smiled and was proud of herself for being so funny. It was just a very sweet moment to see some personality in her, and not just a crazy 80 year old woman, living in a hospital bed, going in a diaper, and eating baby food. She's still there and I just cannot believe it!
And I'm also a little apprehensive about her staying because her neighbor told me that the weekend nurse was mean and she had been glad my grandmom was getting out before the weekend. And now my grandmom's staying in!
God is so cool though because her neighbor is a believer and she'd been praying that grandmom would be saved, and it was cool to just be able to tell her that grandmom does know the Lord and to be able to talk about His faithfulness to her! It's just so comforting knowing the Lord put someone in the room with her that knows Him to just pray for her and care about her. He's a good, faithful God, isn't He?