A Life After Death

• I had my first real job interview this week.
• I got my first "real job" (as in- not working at my church) this week!
• I am tentatively employed by Impact Thrift Stores (as long as I pass my drug test and strength test to show I can lift 30 pounds without dying and as long as my background check comes back clear!)
• I start work March 12th (commuting to their warehouse until the end of the month and then working in their new store getting it ready till the grand opening April 21st!)
• I officially need to update my "about me" section

• Yesterday would have been my Grandmom's 82nd birthday. She's in heaven. I still miss her, but it gets...different. I can't really explain it. It's almost like- you know how it takes like 30 days or something to break a habit? A lot of the habits are gone- going into her room- which is now actually my room- and looking for her. The feelings of needing to be home for her and looking to feed her and stuff aren't really there anymore. Lately I've been watching videos and looking at pictures and have been more able to see how broken and frail and old she was- and it makes me even more glad she's gone and home. The gladness of her being home outways the wanting her to be here- I honestly don't want her to be here because I know she was suffering. 

• My friend Jarreau is having a giveaway on her blog- check it out!
• I'm really really excited about this movie coming out this month- it's inspired by the story of Gianna Jessen (aka my hero)
• My friend Sara has been blogging some incredibly encouraging words
• I like bullet lists

My dear friend Julianne has been called by the Lord to Zambia and has started a blog to chronicle her journey- check it out!!!- I'm so excited! http://whatsjuliannedoinginzambia.blogspot.com/

Blogs are so weird. You can kind of be whoever you want to be until people you actually know read your blog and than you start to overanalyze everything on it...

Well, after 100 posts I figure I should post the truth: Taking care of grandmom is easy. Yup, go figure- I am not a saint. I get a lot of glory for taking care of my grandmom. And yeah, there have been some incredibly difficult times these last few years, and I do not want to take any credit away from God- that truly was the whole point of this blog- to show that God is strong enough to take a self centered young adult and to change that girl's heart to give her the love she needs to care for her demented bed ridden grandmother. And truly- God has done that. But I think I got little one sided in my blogging and I would only post the "good things" and things that made me look good...Or the difficult things that also make me look good.

And that just is not fair to everyone else-

So please do not call elder abuse when I show you a real picture of life taking care of grandmom that proves that I am the worst grandmom caretaker ever:

-Lately I've been oversleeping till like 11 and my grandmom (who also sleeps late) lays around in a wet diaper. (I know I am horrible!!!!)
-Since we sleep so late grandmom gets breakfast at 12 and we just skip lunch...(ugh, it just keeps getting worse)
-I rarely brush my grandmom's teeth (all like 12 she has left)
- I also am too lazy to soak her hands and stretch them so they just keep getting more clenched and gross
- Her room is  disaster because I usually hide the rest of the junk from the house in there and try to clean it up nice only when people are going to see her
- I almost never give her her night pills and often just forget to give her her morning meds
-I'm too lazy to call a visiting doctor to come out and see her so she's had no real medical evaluation since last July!
-The kids ate most of her chocolate she got for her birthday
- I feed her frozen meals for dinner more often than not

I'm sure this list could go on forever. Yes, you can judge me. I'm horrible and selfish and a failure. Of course this blog is used mostly to paint a picture of us snuggling all day, having big birthday bashes, and us baking together (I usually do not even take my grandmom out of her room...)
Ugh.
You see, I've been dealing with my own failure  a lot lately. As a daughter, granddaughter, friend, human being, Christian. Ugh. But it just makes me more thankful that God sees all of my failure (even the things I will never be bold enough to share on blog) and loves me the same. His love is unconditional. And I'm washed so beautifully in the blood of the Son.
But I know that doesn't excuse my sins of laziness, selfishness, gluttony, etc.
And so this is the verse the Lord has not just been teaching me knowledge-wise- I'm actually learning that it is true through experience:
"My flesh and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" Psalm 73:26
I'm a failure. God is not. And I cannot change myself. As much as I try, I cannot wake up in the morning. And it drives me insane. BUT GOD. Am I going to depend, lean on, cling to His strength? Step out into it. Allow my life to show that God is stronger. And am I going to still struggle and have trouble waking up in the morning? Probably. But daily I'm going to lean on the Lord, for His mercy, His grace, and His strength- because the Lord is working in me and perfecting me and disciplining me, because He loves me and I'm thankful.

So I hope you all now realize I am not perfect. God is. I'm just sinner saved by grace. I'm so thankful.

So I've never really used that "next blog" button at the top of Blogger to check out other blogs- I mean, every blog I read is stimulating enough, but since it's 12:06 at night and I have a paper to write, it would make perfect sense that since no one has updated their blog in the last hour I'm going to have to find different one's to procrastinate by reading...
Well, the next ten blogs that it led me to were all of these parenting blogs- like for all of these mom's who have so much free time on their hands raising their three toddlers to blog and I was almost mocking them when I had this revelation...
I am them...
but with my 79 year old toddler...yikes
I need a life...