A Life After Death

I thought waking up this morning would really be the hardest. Going to bed last night and imaging not waking up to anyone was just such a strange concept to me. But even now I honestly believe the prayers of the saints are carrying me. I'm crying this morning. But it's not because I'm depressed or full of sorrow about grandmom. I'm just overwhelmed at the revelation of what so many people have meant to me family on this journey. Looking at facebook comments and reading texts. It's been just a million little things the last four years that the Lord has used to keep me going. And then trying to write a couple facebook comments back- already got me losing it. I just feel so small in the middle of it all.
Like, how could I honestly even believe that I've done anything these last few years- when now I'm realizing each and every day it was the Lord. It was the Lord- and He used the people around me. My friends that would pray for me and who would visit grandmom and me and keep me focused. Who just wanted to meet her and treated her like a human. Who cherished her wish me. Friend's parents and men and women of the church who would encourage me every time they saw me and really truly pray for me. My pastors who would let me cry in their office about life or read my blog or pray for me or friends that would send letters at just the right time. A friend who photographed and interviewed this beautiful woman. Hospice workers who loved Jesus. Random women in the nursing home who loved Jesus (and then seeing her in the ER a year later and recieving letters of encouragement). Or people who have just been through it all before- who have recieved the Lord's comfort in those situations and who the Lord then uses to comfort me.
I'm literally overwhelmed at the beauty of this work of art the Lord has been doing behind the scenes these last few years. I feel like I've honestly only been looking a the backside of the cross stich (my grandmom would love me mentioning cross-stich on this blog!)- and now I'm finally seeing the whole product for the first time! It's honestly gorgeous!
And I wish words could thank you all enough.

I know I need to write this post before I  go to bed on what I'm going to call the longest day of my life. I think it'll make it more real, because honestly it's just felt like a dream. My grandmom died this morning at 9am. It was suttle. We honestly didn't notice for 7 minutes after it- we thought it was just one of those long pauses between breathing they said she would have- but thankfully she never had those. It was one gasp and then she was gone. It wasn't what I imagine it would be (if you could imagine such a thing)- it was like she was still just sleeping.
And that's how it really felt, and kind of still feels.
And so I don't think it's hit yet. I'm not sure when it'll really hit.
But I'll write more later on all of this. I'm too tired for any cohesive thoughts.

I'm just thankful- for every single person whose been on this journey with my family. For all the support and prayers and love and comfort and hugs and food and cards and calls and facebook comments and memories (and I'm only talking about the last 24 hours- not the last four years in which I've been so blessed by so many).

I'm just thankful to have known my grandmom. It's been a privilege, an honor- I've been spoiled.

And more than all, I'm thankful for Jesus Christ, whose blood covers all her sins, who has clothed her in righteousness, who stands before the Father as her advocate- that she was welcomed in as a Child of the King of Kings. Restored. Whole. Full of Life. Healed.
What joy!

So tonight my grandmom closed her eyes. And she hasn't opened them. We've also started administering morphine. And saying goodbye. It could very well be in the next few days. Please pray for us to finish well. Thank you <3

My dad's side of the family is amazing. I haven't really mentioned them in this blog much 1. because they aren't related to my grandmom by blood 2. I've only really begun appreciating how special they are these last couple years...

My grandparents are Irish Catholic. They had 7 kids. My dad and mom then had 7 kids. My one aunt had 8, the rest of them gave birth to more normal size families ranging from 4-2 kids, and now those kids have started having kids. So there are at least 30 of us cousins ( i haven't counted in a few years- now it's plus in-laws, boyfriends and girlfriends).

New Years Eve we had at least 70 people in my house. I mean, my house is pretty big just because we've added a million additions- but we don't have "big rooms" or "high ceilings" and we all LOVE being in the same room, so we basically used only my part of the house for the most part. It was loud and exciting. It was also hard because my grandmom was laying in a hospital bed in her room. None of these people were her blood. It's been months since her daughters have come to see her (I don't judge- I understand people grieve differently!)

But can I tell you what a wonderful family I have? My uncle (who had a stroke when he was in his forties and leads a ministry at a nursing home) sat in her room singing to her for a little bit. As the ball was dropping I didn't want my grandmom to be alone so I went into her room and turned Dick Clark on. My aunt came in with me and we celebrated 2012 together. My cousins came in and out to say hi- even though grandma looks so thin and it's uncomfortable to see her like this- they still said "Happy New Year, Mrs. Roach"- some of them even call her grandmom.
Sometimes I need a nannysitter- I pay my cousins in food and they'll sit with her when I'm stuck. None of them will accept any money.
For her 81st birthday my cousin Casey brought her a dog balloon and chocolate.
My aunt, when she found out that grandmom wasn't doing good, wanted to come over to cut her hair and spend time with her.
My other grandmom always comes into visit her and likes to make sure that we understand what old people like when they're stuck in bed- trying to make sure she's comfortable and that we play music for her. It's sweet.
Every time I go over to visit them my grandfather asks how she's doing.
My grandmom has a family that had adopted her in. She's Grandmom to so many people who love her and care about her and treat her as one of their own and I'm blessed to call them all my family.
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In other news my dear friend Jarreau has started a fun, thought provoking, edifying blog about her life post- college and has a giveaway of some beautiful original art- check it out- My New beginngings

Highlight of my night: Grandma puckered her lips to give me a kiss (not initiated by me). It was sweet. A touch of her. Then we had a sweet talk about all the wonderful things that will happen when she's with Jesus. I am so excited for her. And jealous. And sorrowful- but not the sorrow of this world. (oh how my heart would be so broken without hope of the Resurrection- of eternal life because of God's Great Love for us in sending His Son to be the propitiation for our sins!) I know that my grandmom's "life" on this earth is ending- but soon she will be more alive than me. It doesn't mean my heart isn't hurting...but there's still joy and comfort and peace- Thank you Lord!

Grandmom's dying process has been so eerily similar to four years ago when my grandpop was dying. She took a turn for the worst around Thanksgiving, starting and stopping eating and drinking. It was around Thanksgiving '07 my grandpop had his massive heart attack. And from there it's just little things that are causing flashbacks. My mom cannot stand the sight of these little blue foam things on popsicle sticks that you are supposed to use to moisten her mouth. My grandpop had a breathing tube in from December till March and we'd moisten his mouth with those foam things. Since my grandmom's skin is starting to break down from lack of nutrition, I've noticed some red spots on her back- so I'm trying to be more diligent to roll her back and forth. My grandpop had ended up with massive bed sore. And so on and so on...

Well, where did we leave off? Christmas was fine. Quiet, like we wanted, which was good. It didn't really feel like Christmas, but it was a pretty chill couple days. Christmas morning I was a little emotional. My family was considering not bringing grandmom down for unwrapping presents. I cried. They brought her down. She had a nice time, not very talkative, but was pretty alert for the morning.
And Christmas was also the last time she had eaten this week. She had maybe a couple scoops of oatmeal and juice on Monday or Tuesday but that was it. She covers her mouth cause she doesn't want to eat.
The Doctor came on Friday and said that in the end the endorphins kick in and they aren't really hungry anymore. He basically said she can stay on hospice cause she's on her way out.
For the most part we've taken it a day at a time. "Did grandmom eat today?" No. "Did grandmom go to the bathroom today?" No.

I never really thought I'd want to go to change her and just want a wet diaper.

I came home from church tonight to my poor mom snuggling her mommy in bed. Grandmom's eyes were hazel/green and unfocused. They're usually brown. Her skin is getting saggy from dehydration. I can feel her cheek bones and see her vertebrae and her skin on her face is starting to breakdown.
Death. It's so wierd.

She finally let me drop some egg nog in her mouth with a little dropper tonight. But it was thin liquids so she started to cough/choke on it. We got some thickened juice and a little smoothie in her. Not much, but it was something.

But I was torn. Because, really, there's a part of me that doesn't want her to start eating again because I honestly don't want to have to go through this again. No more eating and not eating. No more watching her starve and not go to the bathroom. I just want it to be over.
But then of course I don't. Cause I really don't want to see her die.
I can't imagine my life without her.

But then there's things I look forward to- actually being able to go out as a family and not worry about getting a sitter. Being able to go on vacation with my family again. I don't know what it's like to just go out and not be worrying in the back of my mind about being home to feed or change someone.
And there's a million things I'll miss. If I listed them I'd cry...so I'm not going to. I'm sure I've listed some of them here on this blog before.

I just hate the anticipation of it all. I don't want to watch her suffer. I don't know what it's like to watch someone take a last breath.

And to be honest, I just can't worry. I'm going to do what I've done the last four years. Rely on the grace of God for tomorrow. It's been His grace since day one and His grace will carry me to the end.