You can mentally prepare all you want- but the despair crept in anyway tonight.

Today was perfect. Other than a morning of clamoring to make prayer cards that turned out horrendous, finishing editing a video of pictures of grandmom's life and burning it to a CD, printing recipe cards of one of grandmom's favorite recipes, and trying to shower and look somewhat presentable (oh wait, after a night of staying up till 3 in the morning helping my mom write her eulogy and trying to also write my own), other than all that- today was perfect.
The Lord just took over the entire service. My friend and favorite worship leader Rob was able to lead worship for the service, with my mom's favorite singer and friend, Kim, and it was such a sweet time to praise Jesus for all He has done. My friend Brian gave a Spirit-filled and wonderfully comforting message and powerful gospel presentation. My notes disappeared right as the service was beginning (they were later found under my brother and grandfather), but the Lord filled me with peace that He was leading me and would help me speak. It wasn't eloquent in the least, but it was real, and I believe whatever it was was what the Lord wanted. The reception was nice and my grandmom's hospice nurse showed up which was so special. My neighbor asked to come to church with our family!
Everything was perfect. My aunts on my dad's side came back to our house early and made homemade tomato sauce and sausage and when we got home our house even smelled comforting! We were able to hang out for hours and just spend time with my dad's family and watching videos of my grandmom and looking at pictures and playing games and eating food. It was perfect.

And than when everyone left I thought I'd be able to just go to sleep because I've barely slept for a week now and I'm utterly exhausted.

But...my heart began to hurt. And I started to just despair- there's no other word to describe it. And I'm not sure if it's really even about missing my grandmom. I'm not sure her being gone has even hit me yet. I'm not sure what it was- worry, anxiety, sheer panic? About the future? maybe? Just sorrow? I can't explain it- other than despair and I'm not quite certain what I was despairing over...
And I tried to distract myself by watching Chopped with my parents. But no. There's no comfort in Chopped.
And I knew the Lord said, Wait on me.
And so I've been in my room for awhile not, seeking the Comforter.
And He's been faithful. Psalm 23. Psalm 46. Isaiah 41. Isaiah 43. James 1. 1 Peter 1.  Comfort.
The theme: Being still. Waiting for Him. The Promise of His leading- even if it's into great waters and trials and fire and even the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I thought I was there last week watching her die- but now I feel like I was only seeing the Shadow and not actually in the Shadow. It's dark. I feel alone. But- then the Promise--- He is with me. My hope.
And I'm having to just look on Him in faith. I feel like I'm actually looking at all I've ever said He is, and all I've proclaimed Him to be on this blog, and all that the Word says He is, and I'm having to actually step out in faith into all of these things. To take refuge in who He is- even when it feels like everything is beating down on me. To hide myself in Him.
He never promised it would be easy- but that He would be there- that when I wait on Him I "can mount up with wings like eagles" and that I could come to Him when I'm "weary and heavy laden" and find rest in Him.
There's so much He's promised that I haven't stepped into yet- and maybe some of it is because I haven't really had to.
Well, now I have to. And it takes faith to enter into it. And so I'm looking unto Jesus- the author and finisher of my faith.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many." 2 Cor 1:3-11