A Life After Death

You can mentally prepare all you want- but the despair crept in anyway tonight.

Today was perfect. Other than a morning of clamoring to make prayer cards that turned out horrendous, finishing editing a video of pictures of grandmom's life and burning it to a CD, printing recipe cards of one of grandmom's favorite recipes, and trying to shower and look somewhat presentable (oh wait, after a night of staying up till 3 in the morning helping my mom write her eulogy and trying to also write my own), other than all that- today was perfect.
The Lord just took over the entire service. My friend and favorite worship leader Rob was able to lead worship for the service, with my mom's favorite singer and friend, Kim, and it was such a sweet time to praise Jesus for all He has done. My friend Brian gave a Spirit-filled and wonderfully comforting message and powerful gospel presentation. My notes disappeared right as the service was beginning (they were later found under my brother and grandfather), but the Lord filled me with peace that He was leading me and would help me speak. It wasn't eloquent in the least, but it was real, and I believe whatever it was was what the Lord wanted. The reception was nice and my grandmom's hospice nurse showed up which was so special. My neighbor asked to come to church with our family!
Everything was perfect. My aunts on my dad's side came back to our house early and made homemade tomato sauce and sausage and when we got home our house even smelled comforting! We were able to hang out for hours and just spend time with my dad's family and watching videos of my grandmom and looking at pictures and playing games and eating food. It was perfect.

And than when everyone left I thought I'd be able to just go to sleep because I've barely slept for a week now and I'm utterly exhausted.

But...my heart began to hurt. And I started to just despair- there's no other word to describe it. And I'm not sure if it's really even about missing my grandmom. I'm not sure her being gone has even hit me yet. I'm not sure what it was- worry, anxiety, sheer panic? About the future? maybe? Just sorrow? I can't explain it- other than despair and I'm not quite certain what I was despairing over...
And I tried to distract myself by watching Chopped with my parents. But no. There's no comfort in Chopped.
And I knew the Lord said, Wait on me.
And so I've been in my room for awhile not, seeking the Comforter.
And He's been faithful. Psalm 23. Psalm 46. Isaiah 41. Isaiah 43. James 1. 1 Peter 1.  Comfort.
The theme: Being still. Waiting for Him. The Promise of His leading- even if it's into great waters and trials and fire and even the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I thought I was there last week watching her die- but now I feel like I was only seeing the Shadow and not actually in the Shadow. It's dark. I feel alone. But- then the Promise--- He is with me. My hope.
And I'm having to just look on Him in faith. I feel like I'm actually looking at all I've ever said He is, and all I've proclaimed Him to be on this blog, and all that the Word says He is, and I'm having to actually step out in faith into all of these things. To take refuge in who He is- even when it feels like everything is beating down on me. To hide myself in Him.
He never promised it would be easy- but that He would be there- that when I wait on Him I "can mount up with wings like eagles" and that I could come to Him when I'm "weary and heavy laden" and find rest in Him.
There's so much He's promised that I haven't stepped into yet- and maybe some of it is because I haven't really had to.
Well, now I have to. And it takes faith to enter into it. And so I'm looking unto Jesus- the author and finisher of my faith.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many." 2 Cor 1:3-11

her engagement shots- that somehow ended up on display in a storefront window in Germany

Lydia and Charles

that's her mom laughing in the background

Lydia and her three girls (Charlene, Cindy, Debbie)

in the kitchen- of course

As stunningly beautiful as she is in these pictures- the ones that are most beautiful and special to me will always be her with pure white hair, big brown eyes, and her those lines that were etched into her face from laughing and being in the sun and living life

I thought waking up this morning would really be the hardest. Going to bed last night and imaging not waking up to anyone was just such a strange concept to me. But even now I honestly believe the prayers of the saints are carrying me. I'm crying this morning. But it's not because I'm depressed or full of sorrow about grandmom. I'm just overwhelmed at the revelation of what so many people have meant to me family on this journey. Looking at facebook comments and reading texts. It's been just a million little things the last four years that the Lord has used to keep me going. And then trying to write a couple facebook comments back- already got me losing it. I just feel so small in the middle of it all.
Like, how could I honestly even believe that I've done anything these last few years- when now I'm realizing each and every day it was the Lord. It was the Lord- and He used the people around me. My friends that would pray for me and who would visit grandmom and me and keep me focused. Who just wanted to meet her and treated her like a human. Who cherished her wish me. Friend's parents and men and women of the church who would encourage me every time they saw me and really truly pray for me. My pastors who would let me cry in their office about life or read my blog or pray for me or friends that would send letters at just the right time. A friend who photographed and interviewed this beautiful woman. Hospice workers who loved Jesus. Random women in the nursing home who loved Jesus (and then seeing her in the ER a year later and recieving letters of encouragement). Or people who have just been through it all before- who have recieved the Lord's comfort in those situations and who the Lord then uses to comfort me.
I'm literally overwhelmed at the beauty of this work of art the Lord has been doing behind the scenes these last few years. I feel like I've honestly only been looking a the backside of the cross stich (my grandmom would love me mentioning cross-stich on this blog!)- and now I'm finally seeing the whole product for the first time! It's honestly gorgeous!
And I wish words could thank you all enough.

I know I need to write this post before I  go to bed on what I'm going to call the longest day of my life. I think it'll make it more real, because honestly it's just felt like a dream. My grandmom died this morning at 9am. It was suttle. We honestly didn't notice for 7 minutes after it- we thought it was just one of those long pauses between breathing they said she would have- but thankfully she never had those. It was one gasp and then she was gone. It wasn't what I imagine it would be (if you could imagine such a thing)- it was like she was still just sleeping.
And that's how it really felt, and kind of still feels.
And so I don't think it's hit yet. I'm not sure when it'll really hit.
But I'll write more later on all of this. I'm too tired for any cohesive thoughts.

I'm just thankful- for every single person whose been on this journey with my family. For all the support and prayers and love and comfort and hugs and food and cards and calls and facebook comments and memories (and I'm only talking about the last 24 hours- not the last four years in which I've been so blessed by so many).

I'm just thankful to have known my grandmom. It's been a privilege, an honor- I've been spoiled.

And more than all, I'm thankful for Jesus Christ, whose blood covers all her sins, who has clothed her in righteousness, who stands before the Father as her advocate- that she was welcomed in as a Child of the King of Kings. Restored. Whole. Full of Life. Healed.
What joy!

So tonight my grandmom closed her eyes. And she hasn't opened them. We've also started administering morphine. And saying goodbye. It could very well be in the next few days. Please pray for us to finish well. Thank you <3

My dad's side of the family is amazing. I haven't really mentioned them in this blog much 1. because they aren't related to my grandmom by blood 2. I've only really begun appreciating how special they are these last couple years...

My grandparents are Irish Catholic. They had 7 kids. My dad and mom then had 7 kids. My one aunt had 8, the rest of them gave birth to more normal size families ranging from 4-2 kids, and now those kids have started having kids. So there are at least 30 of us cousins ( i haven't counted in a few years- now it's plus in-laws, boyfriends and girlfriends).

New Years Eve we had at least 70 people in my house. I mean, my house is pretty big just because we've added a million additions- but we don't have "big rooms" or "high ceilings" and we all LOVE being in the same room, so we basically used only my part of the house for the most part. It was loud and exciting. It was also hard because my grandmom was laying in a hospital bed in her room. None of these people were her blood. It's been months since her daughters have come to see her (I don't judge- I understand people grieve differently!)

But can I tell you what a wonderful family I have? My uncle (who had a stroke when he was in his forties and leads a ministry at a nursing home) sat in her room singing to her for a little bit. As the ball was dropping I didn't want my grandmom to be alone so I went into her room and turned Dick Clark on. My aunt came in with me and we celebrated 2012 together. My cousins came in and out to say hi- even though grandma looks so thin and it's uncomfortable to see her like this- they still said "Happy New Year, Mrs. Roach"- some of them even call her grandmom.
Sometimes I need a nannysitter- I pay my cousins in food and they'll sit with her when I'm stuck. None of them will accept any money.
For her 81st birthday my cousin Casey brought her a dog balloon and chocolate.
My aunt, when she found out that grandmom wasn't doing good, wanted to come over to cut her hair and spend time with her.
My other grandmom always comes into visit her and likes to make sure that we understand what old people like when they're stuck in bed- trying to make sure she's comfortable and that we play music for her. It's sweet.
Every time I go over to visit them my grandfather asks how she's doing.
My grandmom has a family that had adopted her in. She's Grandmom to so many people who love her and care about her and treat her as one of their own and I'm blessed to call them all my family.
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In other news my dear friend Jarreau has started a fun, thought provoking, edifying blog about her life post- college and has a giveaway of some beautiful original art- check it out- My New beginngings

Highlight of my night: Grandma puckered her lips to give me a kiss (not initiated by me). It was sweet. A touch of her. Then we had a sweet talk about all the wonderful things that will happen when she's with Jesus. I am so excited for her. And jealous. And sorrowful- but not the sorrow of this world. (oh how my heart would be so broken without hope of the Resurrection- of eternal life because of God's Great Love for us in sending His Son to be the propitiation for our sins!) I know that my grandmom's "life" on this earth is ending- but soon she will be more alive than me. It doesn't mean my heart isn't hurting...but there's still joy and comfort and peace- Thank you Lord!