"Discipleship usually brings us into the necessity of choice between duty and desire"
-Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot
Everything suddenly got a lot harder. I'm not really sure what it is. This post won't be deep or well-written or anything, more pensive and thinking out loud for me.
I spent this weekend away visiting a friend at college, a much needed vacation for me. Friday everything my grandmom did was just getting on my nerves and if I stepped on one more piece of glass that she broke I probably would scream. So I was anticipating my time away with much joy. It was weird to spend a weekend at college. It was such an independent place. Basically outside of class schedules and jobs, students did whatever they wanted (some taking this freedom too another level, of course). No responsibilities really. People basically could do whatever the felt like doing. It was strange to someone whose life hasn't been her own for the last five months.
I was so thankful for a weekend away to think. I had not really sat and talked and thought in longer than I could remember. Having a real conversation. Remembering what life was like...before. Thinking of what the future will be like.
And maybe that was why coming home was sooo hard for me. I was refreshed. I was blessed. I was revived. And I was strengthened.
But when I came home and put my grandmom to bed and let the dog out, I wept. Now, I haven't actually cried much since the day my grandpop died. Maybe I've been too busy. Maybe my heart had just been hard. Maybe I felt like I wasn't allowed to cry and even though life is hard, I couldn't treat it that way. But suddenly I was weak. Suddenly I knew I was allowed to cry. Sob even. It was the first time I'd really cried for myself in a long long time. Because even when my grandpop died, I wasn't crying for me, I cried for my mom, I cried for my grandmom, I cried because of the circumstances. But none of those tears were for me.
But finally, I realized that I had no more strength of my own. A part of me had been really running on my own energy and strength and will for a long time. Taking care of my grandmom suddenly became so final. My grandpop finally really wasn't coming home to me.
When i came home from visiting my friend, my grandmom cried. It must have been that that took me over the edge and really freaked me out. My grandmom missed me so much and she'd been so lonely without me (even though my family didn't leave her alone for a minute). She needed me. And that freaked me out and scared me sooo much. I'd never been really needed before. For nineteen years, my life was really my own. I could just go to another country and I wasn't needed at home in that way. I could go to Bible college and though my family missed me, no one was really emotionally dependent on me being there.
But now. Now my grandmom needs me. And I just don't think I can handle that. I just couldn't handle that...in my own strength.
And that's when I wept. And that's when I sought God's strength. Because I finally knew I could not do this on my own. I don't have the love. I don't have the power. I don't have the energy. I didn't even have the will. But ..."my flesh and my heart fail, BUT GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" (Psalms 73:26).
Finally I was weak. Finally I could do it in God's strength.