A Life After Death

My dear friend Julianne has been called by the Lord to Zambia and has started a blog to chronicle her journey- check it out!!!- I'm so excited! http://whatsjuliannedoinginzambia.blogspot.com/

Well, "my month" was up on Friday. I did mention that, right? That I felt like the Lord used my father to tell me to wait a month and not accept any  or job hunt for a month. So I took a literal month (24th January-24th February) and turned down jobs and prayed and got stuff done (such moving into grandmom's room, moving Jeremiah back home, cleaning and organizing with the help of my dear friend, catching up with people, doing odd jobs like working randomly for my friend's paper good delivery company, taking care of that woman I used to work for, cleaning a house, and other randomness). 

"I have received word from my contacts that brother Youcef Nadarkhani's life is in immanent danger. There is an increased chance that he will be executed for his faith. His case has stalled and negotiations have ceased. We asked that you pray for brother Youcef and if the Lord leads you to fast as well." Present Truth Ministries


Update 2/22/12- We have received a report out of Iran that the Iranian courts have signed an execution order for brother Youcef Nadarkhani. At this point this is the only detail we know.

Well, yesterday was hard.
Remember the woman I took care of overnights in the summer three days a week? Anyway, she has Parkinson's and Dementia and is the mother of someone I know from church. Well, yesterday they needed a sitter for the day and since I have no permanent job yet, I said I was available.
And I don't regret doing it- but it was way harder than I thought it was going to be.
People try to warn you about these things- flashbacks, grieving, it hitting you like a ton of bricks- but I keep thinking- I can totally handle this whole grieving thing...
Well, it's needless to say, I can't. First thing I had to do that morning was make this woman some oatmeal...
Well, have any of you started crying over oatmeal before? yeah...
anyway, it just was so similar. Everything. The oatmeal, the Activia, reading the paper, the wheelchairs, the depends, the potty chair, the cleanser, even the mirrors on the wall in their dining room.

Anyway, the Lord is good! My friend Hannah sent me a text within an hour of the oatmeal incident. It basically said that I was on her heart and she was praying for me that day.
And I needed to know in that minute- He saw my grief, He saw my hurt, He saw my pain- and He wanted to let me know. So He put me on Hannah's heart, she followed the Lord's prompting to text me, and she was a vessel of His love for me.
And so after that, the day really went fine and I'm thankful because I thought I was supposed to watch her again today, but I actually didn't and I think that's the Lord. Too much- too soon.
I'm reminded- He is El Roi- the God who sees. How amazing!!!
"Thou God seest me" Genesis 16:13

Well. I'm "mostly" moved into my grandmom's old room (I still keep calling it grandmom's room, and I'm trying to break the habit.)It's like three times the size of my old room and I'm not sure what to do with myself. It looks totally different since we pulled the rug up and I'm just keeping the hardwood flooring that was underneath and I still need to paint and get an area rug and arrange things, but my bed right now is in the exact same spot that her bed always was. It's strange. I was sitting here on my bed looking at the background of my desktop- a picture of grandmom, micah, and I on her bed together and she has a birthday party hat on. I'm in the exact same spot, but life is soooo different. 

Our ESL classes are starting up today! Please please please pray for us! We're way more organized this time, but we honestly don't know what to expect with this next session (the Philadelphia libraries have cut funding for their classes so we may be getting a ton of people...) and one of our lead teachers can no longer help with the class. Thankfully we're recruiting some of the local Bible college students who are going to school for a degree in teaching ESL, so Lord willing that will be a huge help to us! Also our missions director caught a bug and is kind of down for the count today. Please lift us up- we want to share the love of Christ most of all and doesn't 1 Corinthians 13 talk about giving all our goods to feed the poor but if we don't have love than it profits nothing- and it can just be a big ugly noise too! Anyway, I'm learning that LOVE actually flows from God (1 John) and we cannot love truly without Him (and His love is shown in that He gave His Son- so His Love in us should produce gospel sharing!) Anyway...rambling- I need to actually go pray about ESL now so I'll update on how it went later!

...I just really miss my grandmom.



I know one day I eventually need to update this blog. I really don't know what I'm gonna do with it. A couple times I've gone to edit the "about me" and I just can't do it. Maybe it's because I don't have anything to replace it with...but then, I know one thing the Lord is teaching me is my identity is SOLELY in Him. Nothing else. No one else. Him alone.

time flies.
anyway, instead of being all grandmom nostalgic today, I'll post a link to something that super challenged me on the sr high retreat (did I even mention I went on that???) last weekend:


Holiness Before Happiness by A.W. Tozer


This is something that always is a struggle for me and I think a root in a lot of my anxiety. A lot of the time, I wake up everyday trying to pursue my (constitutional right of) happiness. But doesn't the Bible talk about those who seek their life will lose it? Honestly, I need my mind renewed everyday, because it's such a worldly mindset that has snuck into my life to pursue my own happiness. It can be really subtle too. I think we can do it in our devotions- look for things in the Word that make us "feel" good when really God is looking to purify our lives- so that we can have true happiness that is only found in Him. Joy. In the midst of fires. Joy that comes from being purified. From holy living. Yikes. But I struggle because I want to feel happy right now. I don't want to feel uncomfortable, or feel pain, or feel depressed, or feel sad...I want to feel happy. But faith is knowing that there is joy- and an eternal happiness that comes from holiness. "In Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore" (Psalm 16:11). 

"And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

   ³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.   ⁴ “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.   ⁵ “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.   ⁶ “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.   ⁷ “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.   ⁸ “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.   ⁹ “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.   ¹⁰ “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.   ¹¹ “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. ¹² Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you." Matthew 5:2-11

I figure it's getting about that time I should write some posts I promised to write awhile ago. First one being about grandmom dying. I don't want to forget it all, and I do want to praise the Lord here on this blog for the way it all went down. I've been avoiding writing it because
1. it takes time.
2. it'll make it more real.
But I did just say the other day- everything is ahead... but there's also a time to look back on the Lord's faithfulness and remember what He's done.

Around Thanksgiving was when grandmom really stopped eating. From there on out it was up and down. I constantly had bowls of cold oatmeal mixed with yogurt laying in her room, in my kitchen sink, crusted in the dishwasher...Anyway, it was a battle. During this time, we were trying to understand how we're supposed to react to all this. How long can someone possibly go without eating? Especially someone already so thin and frail? Are we supposed to force feed her? What about drinking (which was also a battle- she would just refuse it somedays)? It was really emotional for my mom. By the grace of God I was able to somewhat remove my self from it all so I could actually function. The Lord was really preparing me for her to go. I was getting to the point where I wanted her to just go to heaven. My mom was struggling a lot with it, with really letting her mom go.

It was difficult because she wouldn't eat for a few days and than I'd just pray and she'd eat great for a few days. And it was like that from Thanksgiving to Christmas.

Anyway, the Lord was gracious and I feel like that time just flew by- next thing you know it was Christmas and she ate awesome. Christmas eve and Christmas day were really nice and we were able to have her downstairs with us to open presents. But I knew it was her last Christmas. It was a little emotional.

And then she didn't eat anymore. It took until New Years for us to really admit it was the end, I think. Her hospice nurses didn't really even call it. It went really quick. I went out for my friend's birthday Sunday afternoon (the 1st), went to Sunday night prayer, and came home to my whole family in my grandmom's room, my mom snuggled up in grandmom's hospital bed. My grandmom's eyes were unfocused and hazel. I got her to drink a very little, and eat a very little.

So it was Wednesday (January 4th) that I asked her hospice nurse, Rhona (that week they also switched our nurse on us- which freaked me out, but Rhona ended up being a huge blessing), when my mom should kind of let her sisters know that they end was near. She said that if they wanted to see her alert that now was probably best. So when my mom got home from work that day, I let her know. She had a very emotional conversation with her sisters. My aunt Debbie decided to come Friday to see her.
My grandmom gave me her last kiss that night. She just puckered up her lips at me to give me a kiss. It meant the world to me.

That night grandmom looked uncomfortable, we called hospice and they told us to administer a very low dose of morphine orally.

The next day was hard because I was feeling sick. I was having weird nausea and stomach pain like I was going to throw up but didn't. In the midst of that I realize my grandmom is looking uncomfortable and I'm trying to deal with that and not throw up. I pull my mom away from making stir fry to help me. We called hospice and they told us what to do, we gave her low doses of ativan and morphine. She closed her eyes. We called our friends Beverly and Schylo to see if they wanted to say goodbye to grandmom because we knew it'd probably be this next week at the latest. They came over that night and hung out with us, crowding in grandmom's room. Honestly, we didn't know that was her last night. They left. Then my brother Jeremiah said goodbye to grandmom before he went home. We literally all lost it.

By 11 we gave her one last dose of morphine and called it a night.

Not that I slept at all. I looked through old posts her. Then I'd go check on grandmom. I'd listen to messages by my pastor friends. Psalm 23. So much comfort. Then I'd go check on grandmom. I finally fell asleep around 3 and woke up at 6:30. April and the kids were getting ready for school.
I went in to check on grandmom.
Her breathing was different. More shallow.
I checked her feet.
They were cold.
And I knew that today was the day.
I went up and told my mom we needed to call hospice. I told my dad he couldn't leave for work. April decided to say goodbye to grandmom and go to work (it was her last day at her job and the kids were having a party for her. She didn't want to be there when she died or to even know till she got home.) Jeremiah didn't want to know either. Hailey and Micah drove Emilee to school and then she went out with my cousins after. Jesse stayed home up in his room.
By 8 the hospice nurse was there.
Things moved fast at this point. My cousin Renee was on her way from Berlin, NJ,  and my aunt Debbie and cousin Ashley were on their way from Atlantic city.
My mom and dad and I sat around in grandmom's room with Rhona the nurse. We talked about the Lord.
I texted my friends to pray.
At 9 am my mom went to get some more tea in the kitchen.
My dad and I heard grandmom gasp all of a sudden.
Rhona said it was soon. I grabbed my mom and we sat around her bed, talking to her, waiting. Rhona went to call her boss to let them know it was almost time.
We waited 7 minutes. They'd said that there would be periods of no breathing and then they'd breathe again.
Rhona came back in, and we asked her what was going on.
She checked her vitals.
Apparently she'd died at 9 when we heard they last gasp.
That's how quickly and quietly she went. It was just like she went to sleep.
It was just so natural that we still just hung out in her room talking and crying, texting and calling our family and friends till my cousin Renee pulled up.
Then Renee came in and we all knelt around grandmom's bed and prayed and thanked the Lord for what He'd done and that grandmom was with Him.

We'd been prepared for bed sores, breathing changes, her seeing things, her losing her smile.
We had none of that. She just went to sleep, in her bedroom, in the house her husband built, surrounded by her family. It was perfect. The Lord was so gracious to us.

That day was a blur after that. It took a few hours for the funeral home to pick up her body, by then my aunt and cousin had shown up and my dad's side of the family was showing up also. Then the church sent us paper goods and  tons and tons of food and friends and family came by to comfort and we all just hung out all day.

Preparing for the funeral was more emotional than I thought. I just had some things I had to deal with emotionally and not take personally and it was a little overwhelming, but the Lord carried us through. And the funeral was perfect, praise the Lord.

So the Lord was so good to us. He took grandmom home so gently. I have not a single regret about it and I'm just so thankful He gave us the strength and ability to keep her at home until the end. It was beautiful.

So my next long overdue post will be about my time away with the Lord, which I really do need to get down on here before I forget everything...ugh.

In other news: I took my grandmom's clothes to my friend Ellie's nursing home she works at as the fun coordinator. It was harder than I thought to let them go. Folding her jammies and the clothes we'd collected over the years. It hurt. But I'm glad I could take them to Ellie's nursing home and I'm asking the Lord to use it somehow for His glory.

Three Church of Iran Pastors in Prison

Pastor Behnam Irani of Karaj, Iran is in prison serving a five year sentence for crimes against the order. As we reported previously his crimes were being a pastor and possessing Christian materials. In the recent past we received reports that he was being beaten by fellow prisoners with the approval of prison authorities. While he was in prison his hair turned fully grey. Pray that God keeps him healthy and strong in faith.Brother Petros Forouton, a minister of the Gospel from Shiraz, Iran also remains in prison, serving a one year sentence for crimes against the order.  Previously he was held in solitary confinement and in the area where the drug abusers were kept. He is now in the regular area of the prison.Pastor Youcef Nadarkhani, as you know, is still in prison and is waiting for his verdict to be delivered.Several other pastors and ministers are under intense pressure as a result of the Iranian government’s policy against Christians. Several have fled the country to go through UNHCR’s refugee process.Please continue to pray for these brothers and their families. They need your prayers and support. If you wish to support some of them you can do so here. Also, please share this post with your friends on Facebook and Twitter.

 An article by Present Truth Ministries

I was reading the article above about the Brothers in Iran and thinking today about what I wrote last night. Sometimes the waves look really big from the shore...and sometimes they actually are a Tsunami rolling in. I thought of Psalm 69 (posted below)- David was literally drowning. Like the waters were overwhelming him and more than he could bare. The Lord takes us to those places too. Where the waves are really more than we can handle. But the anchor is the same- Jesus. Jesus is still the sustainer, the hope, the anchor- and probably more than ever- when you are literally drowning. And David praises God amidst the flood. We still look ahead- at Jesus. Like Peter- the waves were too much for Him- but when He looked at Jesus in faith- He was able to walk on them- but when his eyes turned to himself, to his situation, to what was possible in his flesh- he drowned. And so even if the Lord leads me to deep waters, I know where to look- eyes fixed on Jesus. 

Save Me, O God

To the choirmaster: according to tLilies. Of David.