Well, January 2011 will mark 3 years. yup. 3 years of staying home with grandmom, hospital visits, insanity, and of the opportunity to see such an incredible side of God's character. His grace, His mercy, His compassion, His love for us that isn't about what we can actually do for Him.
God looked down on my grandmom and knew what it would take for her to come to know Him. How she needed to be humbled before she could accept His wonderful gift of salvation. I never imagined, growing up and praying ever night before I went to bed, "Lord, I lift up nanny and poppy..." praying for their souls to be saved. Praying for them to come to church with us. I never imagined that I would one day be pushing her wheelchair into church on Sundays, reading the Bible with her, listening to her pray before meals. I'll quote her, she'd "been apprehended!"- BAM!- God's grace... Waterfalls of it. On a woman who can offer Him literally nothing. What an incredible incredible God I serve.

This last year has been so different.
My grandmom turned 80, fell and broke her hip, had surgery (had a stroke), went to rehab, broke her femur, had surgery, came home, had a heart attack, came home and has been hospital free since July. And I'm not saying that her quality of life has been great since then, because it hasn't. She is mostly in her hospital bed, in her bedroom, watching Turner Classic Movies, but every so often we have a few moments of loveliness.
God spoiled us on Christmas.
Grandmom was just oh so good. She wasn't sane, don't get my wrong.
But she was happy. not agitated. pleasant. and able to enjoy Christmas. It was great.
and it wasn't just Christmas morning. It was Christmas eve, Christmas morning, Christmas day, and Christmas day eve. Spoiled. 
It was probably the loveliest Christmas I ever had. Thank you Jesus!

I'm going to say it, my life is probably going to be a whole lot easier when my grandmom dies. I won't wake up to diaper duty, I won't have to thicken liquids unless I'm making a gravy, I won't have to wash a million sheets and bed pads every week, I won't be late for sr high girl's teas because my mom didn't get home in time to swap nanny sitting...

I could be like a normal human being and share pictures of my grandmom and my christmas tree here and write cute little captions for each moment...

Hebrews 13:3 "Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body."

My grandmom decided she can walk tonight. She's been moving her legs up and down and back and forth with the proudest face I've ever seen on an 80 year old woman lying in a hospital bed in depends...Part of me wishes my grandmom could walk again, and part of me is thankful I'm not chasing the old lady all over the neighborhood anymore. She's either in bed, or in her living room chair, or in the wheelchair at the kitchen table. "Where'd grandmom go?" is no longer a question or worry in my mind. But seeing how much she wanted to walk tonight got me a little sad. She's German. What more do I expect from that strong fighting breed? Honestly, part of me really believed tonight she could hop out of that bed and walk, and I'm sure if Steve the therapist was around still he'd have her up and hopping...and probably drinking coffee and eating chocolate.

"Have you ever realized that when you pray for the Holy Spirit that you are praying for the whole God head to take possession of you? Do you really understand this? Or have your prayers had a wrong motive? Were you expecting that Gd would do something in your heart but as for the rest of your activities, you must be free to do your own will? That would be a great mistake. The Holy Spirit must have full possession...what God commands and demands of us, He will Himself work within us" Andrew Murray
Remember when I posted about the Lord convicting me of laziness? Anyway- it's still in process. Honestly, I'm learning laziness isn't about me just getting up and doing something all day. It's my heart! that is the issue! I was looking through a journal from when I was in 10th grade (wow...January of 05!) and one of my youth pastors, Brian Weed, was teaching on Ecclesiastes on "idleness"- and I was really not idle at all in my life then- I was running so hard and so desperate for the Lord that I panicked if I did not have something to do (I didn't even know how to rest then!) So I'm sure this teaching meant nothing to me- but I'm just so glad I was a faithful notetaker than, because this verse struck me so hard last night- 

This girl is giving away beautiful wreaths she makes. Besides the beautiful wreaths she writes beautiful things so check it out ;)

haha
at the end it gets all slow and "it's cheating"ish

Okay I don't know why I never posted this- hilarious! this is from sept of like 08 or something
I miss this <3

10 Things my Grandmom does that drive me absolutely bonkers:

1.Strips her clothes off! (ugh!!!!!)
2. Demands to go home (to Bebra, Germany)
3. Demands us to let her drive home (to Bebra, Germany)
4. Throws all her blankets off.
5. Rips her diapers off.
6. Doesn't poop.
7. Does poop. (usually right after I put her a clean diaper- of course)
8. Demands that she can walk home (and rips her blankets and clothes off to do it- even though her hip is not in joint) to her husband (who is dead)
9. Spits our her food when she's fiesty. (or throws it up all over herself)
10. Spills her coffee (the grossly thickened coffee) all over herself right after she's dressed cleaned up.

10 Things my Grandmom does that make it all worth it:

1. Tells me she loves me (even though she calls me Cindy)
2. Talks to me in German (Eshliebedish <3!!!)
3. Sings "You are my Sunshine" (but her version usually involves some variation about blue skies and dreaming that I climbed into bed or some new made up lyrics)
4. Sings "Happy Birthday Dear Cindy" (to me!)
5. Tells me she wants to "kiss me up"
6. Tells me, in German, that "I love the sun, the moon, and the stars, but most of all I love you"
7. When she really likes something I feed her and wants to eat like a million of it ("That's the best thing I have ever eaten- I haven't eaten in days!"
8. When I climb into bed and she snuggles me up
9. When she prays "Dear Lord" (music to my ears)
10. When she thinks her teddy bear is a baby and kisses it up


I'm sure I'll have a millions more things to add (to both of these lists)

"But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God." 1 Tim 5:4

"If any believing woman has relatives who are widows, let her care for them. Let the church not be burdened, so that it may care for those who are truly widows." 1 Tim 5:16

I love when the Lord confirms we are right where He wants us to be- and it pleases Him!

Well, the Lord must know that I am a visual learner- and oh how I wish I was not *shudder*
Don't you love poopie diapers in the morning?
Anyway- I am going to keep this as un-graphic as possible while still getting that point across (and if you still can't get the point than maybe you need to spend a week at my house and the Lord will have to teach this to you the way He taught me!)

My grandmom made a mess last night in her pants. My grandmom tried to clean the mess up herself. My grandmom made the mess ten times messier than the mess originally was. I had to clean the mess up first thing this morning. (I'm just so thankful for the Lord's grace for the moment on mornings like this!)

Spiritual application: I sin. I try to clean up my own sin. I make more of a mess cleaning up my own sin than there originally was. God comes and cleans me up. Praise Him!

If my grandmom has just hollered to me I would have come and cleaned her up (I've become a light sleeper when it comes to her voice). It would have been simple. But no- she had to try to do it herself and made it such a bigger mess than it had to be.

When I dirty myself, all I really have to do is call out to my God and He will come and oh so gently wash me up. Why do I forget this all the time.

And here is the clincher-
My grandmom was pretty ashamed of herself (it was really sad!!!) for getting so dirty, but once I cleaned her up- she still thought she was dirty!
I keep having to convince her that she's clean!!!!
It's insane. And that's when the Lord really spoke to my heart. I still think I'm dirty all the time- but God has made me clean! How freeing! And God is such a better cleaner up of our dirt than I am!
It was a beautiful lesson (in a gross, dirty, poopy way, you know?)

Paul was right- our old life is rubbish- literally dung. And how foolish we are to hold onto it. How disgusting we are to hold onto it!
Praise the Lord He is able to wash us white as snow!
Psa 51:7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Eze 36:25 Then will I sprinkle clean water upon you, and ye shall be clean: from all your filthiness, and from all your idols, will I cleanse you.
Mat 8:3 And Jesus put forth [his] hand, and touched him, saying, I will; be thou clean. And immediately his leprosy was cleansed.
Jhn 13:10 Jesus saith to him, He that is washed needeth not save to wash [his] feet, but is clean every whit: and ye are clean, but not all.
Jhn 15:3 Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you.

Grandmom quote of the Day: (speaking about a song)- "That is a clean ballad"

Ouch.
God is so good.
And so merciful to me for not letting me sit in all of my ugliness, and failing, and immaturity. And I'm very thankful.
Sunday night prayer nights have been really good- in a very real way. Not in some feeling. Not in some weird emotion driven thing. In my real life I am seeing God work. In my heart. He's literally going straight to my heart and opening my eyes to all that I am not and all that He is and how incredible His grace is to me.

You see, I said this prayer three Sunday Nights ago...and it went like this "Lord search me and know my heart and see if there is any wicked way in me..."
Well guess what He did. He answered that prayer (do you ever pray and than instantly kind of me be like- um never mind Lord I didn't really mean to pray that if you were going to answer that!!!)
Well, I'm really genuinely glad He did answer that. But it has seriously been a constant wrestling with the Lord. I want my life to be my own, you see. I think that I have some right to it. That I actually own it or something crazy like that.

You see. When I prayed for revival- really I wanted God to take me and my friends and the pastors that I liked and to put us on some pedestal and to really just work in us and really it was just about my glory- um yikes. So wrong. And so not what God is doing. And so He's literally ripping that out of me. Humbling me. Changing my desires. Changing me.
I've been really struggling with my right to myself- I mean, my time was my time, right? And I mean, I had time for God in my life- but I'd sectioned it off for my convenience. He didn't seriously want all of my life right? Wasn't I giving Him enough of it- He had Monday nights, Wednesday nights, Thursday afternoons, Most Friday nights and sometimes Saturdays when I did ministry and a lot of Sunday and also part of everyday when I would spend some alone time with Him- but seriously, I literally would say to God, "during the day is my time, Lord" and I really was holding onto it. Did He really want my whole heart? My whole life?
But I struggled. Because I was scared. I was scared that He would really want me to run to Him for all of my satisfaction. I was scared He'd call me to actually give things up- tv? movies? books? what if He told me to stop completely- don't I have some right to myself????!!!!
Anyway, I'd wrestle and wrestle and wrestle with God.

Come Monday Night. I was very busy cleaning up after College and Career Coffee and Tea Ministry (basically my friend Sara and I serve coffee and baked goods to our college and career group) and my dear friend Chantale comes up to me while I'm carrying the pots back to the kitchen.
My friend Chantale was saved just a little over a year ago. November 2nd will be the anniversary of the day we met when she came to college and career and I met her and the Lord has used her to just remind so many of us of God's abilty to save the lost (she came from a completely secular background- and knew nothing about God or the Bible) and what it looks like to go from complete darkness to light.
Anyway, she is pretty nervous and fumbling a bit with her words so once we're in the kitchen I stop moving around so I can listen to her. She holding her Bible and finally is like "You know I struggle with knowing God's voice or not but for awhile now I've felt like I needed to talk to you" and she goes on to say that she's been reading through Thessalonians and whenever the word "Idleness" came up for some reason she thought of me and felt like God kept telling her to bring it up to me and she read me the verses in Thessalonions (which are actually very harsh)
Well go ahead Lord and cut me to the core and humble me all in one night, why don't you???
But honestly God is incredible.
At first I was like, what? And than the Lord just confirmed it to my heart.
Idleness. Laziness.
My sin- that is what it is. I wanted to call it some huge thing. I knew something between me and the Lord was wrong but I kept trying to find some big thing seeking God for what it was- when really- it was something very simple. Pure laziness.
Wow.
And the Lord knew I never could have recieved it from a different friend. Chantale seriously was so loving and humble and fearful in coming to be about it- and she loved me enough to do and loved the Lord enough to obey HIm and I'm so thankful.
And I feel like my eyes are open to how seriously WASTEFUL I have been with my days, with the way I've lived my life. How many hours have I spent watching tv in my grandmom's room and sleeping my mornings away and ugh it's just awful.
But my pride keeps trying to make it's ugly head pop up-
It's trying to make excuses for myself- oh it's awful- "Doesn't she know that I am Tiffany Doran- I take care of my grandmom"
And what- am I going to stand before God on the last day and say "I took care of my grandmom" when I have to account for my actions. What does that mean when taking care of grandmom accounts for literally only a fraction of my time- sure I have to be at home, but I spend so much time just sitting around doing NOTHING!!!!

The Lord has just encouraged me so much with Hebrews 12
He chastens me because He loves me. He's not going to let me stay this way. I'm so thankful.

" Are you willing to obey your Lord and Master, whatever the humiliation to your right to yourself may be?
Never disregard a conviction that the Holy Spirit brings to you. If it is important enough for the Spirit of God to bring it to your mind, it is the very thing He is detecting in you. You were looking for some big thing to give up, while God is telling you of some tiny thing that must go. But behind that tiny thing lies the stronghold of obstinacy, and you say, “I will not give up my right to myself”— the very thing that God intends you to give up if you are to be a disciple of Jesus Christ."
My Utmost for His Highest- Oswald Chambers Sept 24th

"It is very easy to grieve the Spirit of God; we do it by despising the discipline of the Lord, or by becoming discouraged when He rebukes us. If our experience of being set apart from sin and being made holy through the process of sanctification is still very shallow, we tend to mistake the reality of God for something else. And when the Spirit of God gives us a sense of warning or restraint, we are apt to say mistakenly, “Oh, that must be from the devil.”
“Do not quench the Spirit” (1 Thessalonians 5:19), and do not despise Him when He says to you, in effect, “Don’t be blind on this point anymore— you are not as far along spiritually as you thought you were. Until now I have not been able to reveal this to you, but I’m revealing it to you right now.” When the Lord disciplines you like that, let Him have His way with you. Allow Him to put you into a right-standing relationship before God.
“. . . nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him.” We begin to pout, become irritated with God, and then say, “Oh well, I can’t help it. I prayed and things didn’t turn out right anyway. So I’m simply going to give up on everything.” Just think what would happen if we acted like this in any other area of our lives!
Am I fully prepared to allow God to grip me by His power and do a work in me that is truly worthy of Himself? Sanctification is not my idea of what I want God to do for me— sanctification is God’s idea of what He wants to do for me. But He has to get me into the state of mind and spirit where I will allow Him to sanctify me completely, whatever the cost (see 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24)."
Oswald Chambers August 14th

I love Fall.
I love food.
I love Fall foods.
I love the flavors of fall...apples, apple cider (mmmm with william sonoma last season mulling spices!), pumpkin, pumpkin spice coffee, pumpkin pie.
and I love certain recipes that I usually make in the fall/winter...
such as
Martha's Walnut Stuffed Chicken Roulades (sooo delicious)



and
Cooking Light's Spice- Rubbed Pork Tenderloin mmmmmm!


and this Chocolate Loaf Cake is good anytime (hence Smitten's Title "Everyday Chocolate Cake")




Honestly! So good. Anyway, one of these goodies is in the oven and I need to go check on it!
Above each photo is a link to the photo source and recipe if you want to try it out yourself <3

I was perusing facebook this morning and you know I saw a few of my friends had posted a video and were commenting things on it about "watch this" and "it's worth it" and I just thought it was some woman singing. Eventually, when I saw a comment about it's length I realized it was not a singer, but a speaker...and so I pressed play...and 16 minutes later I was just astounded. I actually didn't have words other than "wow" to describe the words I had just heard, and not just the words, but literally the fountains of living water that flowed from this woman's mouth. Watch this video.


" There are things that you will be only able to learn by the weakest of these. And when you snuff them out you are the one that loses. The Lord looks after them, but you are the one that will suffer forever. And what arrogance- what absolute arrogance! And it has been an argument for so long in this human place that we live that the stronger should dominate the weaker- should determine who lives and dies. The arrogance of that! Do you not realize that you cannot make your own heart beat. Don't you realize that all the power you think you possess, you really possess none of it. It's the mercy of God that sustaincs you- even when you hate Him." -Gianna Jessen.

Honestly- I think I do this at this time every year. Promise to update about Coatesville and surf camp- than I am just busy AT surf camp and Coatesville and than everyone goes back to school and I just love fall and so I never update- I'm just a liar I guess.
Anyway, I have really weird dreams all the time. Ranging from getting married with a black gospel choir serenading me to pigs surfing with the help of ducks to trying to jog to highschool with my friend Julianne and a bag of hand-me-down clothes. WHY??? Maybe that's why I am tired all the time- I'm too busy all night to get any rest.

Anyway, Sometimes I have themes I'm learning but I think it's been more of my entire life needs to just die and my desires need to just die and I am getting to the total end of my self and all of my ability and so it's time for Jesus to just do it all and have His way. I've felt super super unable lately- and do you know what- i really really am. But God is just so able. And drawing near to Him is just so utterly sweet. I'm realizing more and more I just want to be near Him and for Him to delight in me and I in Him.
Some journal quotes and verses as of late:
"The spirit that comes in is not that of doing anything for Jesus but of being a perfect delight to Him. The secret of the missionary is- I am His and He is carrying out His enterprises through me. Be entirely His"- Oswald Chambers
"The water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water" John 4:14
"Keep right at the source, and you will be blessed personally? No- out of you will flow rivers of living water, irrepressible life"- Oswald Chambers
All right one theme has been water- living water. Yes. That's seriously what I want- The Holy Spirit overflowing out of me.
"For My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water" Jer. 2:13
Another theme is like just how we as a people can think everything is okay when it is really not okay between us and God- the way people don't even have shame about their sin anymore-
"They have healed thew wound of my people lightly saying, 'Peace, peace' when there is no peace.
"Were they ashamed when they committed abomination?
"No, they were not at all ashamed; they did not even know how to blush. Therefore they shall fall among those who fall; at the time that I punish them they shall be overthrown,' says the Lord" Jer. 6:14-15

Revival has been on my heart lately.
"If My people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways than I will hear from heaven and I will forgive their sins and heal their land" 2 Chronicles 7:14
My church is being stirred. My pastor has decided to cancel out Sunday night Bible Study and make it a prayer meeting instead for like the next 10 months or however long it takes us to go through Luke on Sunday mornings. I'm excited. I don't know what it is going to look like. at all. I mean, there are thousands of people at our church- is everyone going to show? Is anyone going to show? We need to be stirred. I need to be stirred. I need personal revival in my life. Sometimes I step back and I've just been like Lord- am I even willing? Am I really willing for Him to actually come in and remove everything that needs to be removed? To actually do whatever He wants in my heart? Oh boy...
But The Lord has been also just reminding me through the books of the law that His commands are for my good- that everything He does is for my good and that He only wants good things for me. I mean, He's only ever done good for me- I look back even on my grandfather dying, how he would be 82 today, that we'd be celebrating our birthdays together tonight- and there's a part of me that's sad. I'm sad that even my crazy lunatic grandmother remembered that it was his birthday today before I did. I mean, I miss him. But I can see God's incredible sovereign hand in taking him and even the way it went down- seeing a loved one in a foul smelling, death filled respirator hospital is one of the most horrible things in the world. Being at Bible College and your grandfather having a triple bypass is hard. Not being with your family when your grandparents are in the hospital is hard- much less being an ocean away. Watching your mom sob in hallways when doctors are telling her her father may have brain damage is hard and watching your mom and aunts fight over whether to have my grandpop keep fighting or remove the respirator was probably one of the darkest most horrible times in my life.
BUT GOD.
Honestly. But God. God brought such incredible beauty from those ashes. My grandfather's salvation. My grandmother's salvation. My cousin's salvation. My up and down year of sin and despair- but ultimately- victory over sin, brokenness, joy, peace, love, patience.
God did it. Praise Him.
And so why do I still doubt?!!!!
Anyway- I'm excited, and we're asking the Lord to have His way.
So I'll let you know how that goes.
I've been listening to a lot of J. Edwin Orr. A man who studied revival and tromped all over the UK telling people about Jesus.
Check out some of his speakings-

Sorry for the randomness- I'm telling you I feel like it's been a very random month and two million years since surf camp but one day I'll update ;)

here

So anyway- surf camp was absolutely incredible. the best one yet. I think God works more in my heart than the kids every year. He is incredible. He showed me so many things about Himself and about myself and He showed me how incredibly faithful He is to His promises- I cannot even describe it! I love Him because He first loved me.
Honestly- I'm so blown away at how able He is to work and do things in my life I honestly never believed He could do.
I'll leave you hanging there and I guess add some more details later ;)

I'll be twenty-two in exactly one month- which I think will be the absolute perfect age. I'm excited for a new year. God is so good and I'm so excited to see what He wants to do in me and so ready for Him to get rid of every ugly thing in me and transform me by His beautiful grace.

Summer was wonderful but I'm ready for fall. I've already picked three pumpkins from my garden and need to start canning them. I want to buy so much yarn and knit and sew and be warm in cozy scarves. I want to bake and read and make soup! Our corn stalks are dying and are going to look so lovely for fall! I love the change of seasons!

I feel like this summer was an eternity because of everything Christ has just done in me and I'm just so refreshed and revived and refocused. Now back to the daily. My mom's going back to work and I'm done my adventures for awhile. But my life is not my own and I just want to seek the Lord daily for what He has for me to do. His plans are so much better than mine!
Isaiah 54:4-5
"Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed;
Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame;
For you will forget the shame of your youth,
And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.
For your Maker is your husband,
The LORD of hosts is His name;
And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel;
He is called the God of the whole earth."
Photos curtosy of dan faehl and leslie daniels

anyway Coatesville was awesome- Honestly, I'm in the middle of dyeing my hair, cleaning my house, and doing laundry so I'm probably going to postpone the update till Post-surf camp but I wanted to send out a request for prayer for this weekend.
Surf Camp is Friday till Monday and I think it sounds like I'm counseling like a room of 7 girls-which honestly I'm a little nervous about. The Lord is humbling me- I'm so not able to handle this but He is so able and I'm excited for Him to do wondrous things this weekend. I'm asking for miracles. For Him to move mountains in the lives of these kids- things that they thought they'd never overcome, things that they've been so unable to overcome- that they would allow God to do His work in their life.
I'm praying that I would be sincere- honestly I've been super unfocused this week and I'm hoping to take today (the fam is all down the shore) and seek the Lord and His heart for this weekend.
Pray I would serve these girls and have a heart of compassion.
Pray for great waves.
Pray for safety!
Pray for focus- especially during the studies.
Pray for the Lord to meet us in worship.
Pray for energy! Surf starts at 6 am!!! yikes...
Pray for repentance and for all of us to more fully grasp the love of God for us and our position in Christ.
Pray for Love and unity amongst the staff (even in all of our diversity) and for the Lord to rake out the roots of bitterness amongst the kids and that they would learn to love each other with the Love of Jesus Christ.
Pray my grandmom would be good for my family this weekend (for strength and patience for them as they take care of her)
All right- I'm out
t

God just is letting this woman keep living. goodness! But it's been great so far- well other than the mini heart attack and all that jazz (maybe she just likes chilling in the ICU?) and we're getting back into the swing of things, and God is ever faithful and providing all I need for every day.
There are certain things I said I would never be able to do in regards to grandmom *cough*poopiediaper*cough* but do you know what- I did not have to do those things before, so I didn't have the strength, and now I have to do those things and just at the very moment when I need the strength the most, God provides. Kind of like Corrie ten Boom's story of her father and the train ticket...something like that.
And sometimes I think I'm doing such a great job (when really it's literally just God doing everything and me walking alongside of Him with a little yoke around my neck!) and I get all proud and then God let's me try to do it and I totally fail within the first ten seconds and I remember that it really truly is all of Him. It's like when I was younger and would watch my siblings in the daycare before school. Jesse was probably like 2 and sometimes we would walk around the sanctuary in the morning pushing his stroller. And we'd tilt it and push it together, but really it was all me and I would let him think he was doing something. Then he would get really mad and try to make me leave so he could do it all himself. and I'd let go, and of course he could not do it on his own and would get frustrated and then I'd help again. It was funny, but really that's how it is with us and God.
Jesus said, "Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." matt 11:28-30 and it's true

Anyway- I'm sorry I've been meaning to update but I'm still not going to update because I'm tired and it's eleven at night and I have to get up tomorrow and have grandmom washed and dressed before the speech therapist comes at 9:30 to hopefully work the poor dear off her baby food and thickened liquid diet and I just cannot wait for the day when I'm no longer pureeing meat!!!
But anyway I wanted to stop in to say "so far so good"- God has never yet failed me in giving me the strength to take care of the little old lady and I'm just going to keep expecting Him to supply all of my needs. I think she's actually easier to take care of the way she is right now (as in- not having to chase her down all of the time- her chilling in bed and getting wheeled wherever I want her to be has actually been pretty sweet!)
Good night!

When i was in highschool, I would go down to my youth pastors' office just about everyday crying about how much I just hated my family and COULD NOT love them, even though i knew God was calling me to love them. And then I'd cry about how I could not do one thing or another God was calling me to- my inability literally would flood my eyes. I think I spent half of highschool drowning in it.
And over and over I've seen God overcome these mountains in my life. Things I literally said were impossible- God was able to do-

"Who art thou, O Great Mountain? Before Zerubabel you shall become a plain: and he shall bring forth the headstone thereof with shoutings, crying, 'Grace, Grace, unto it'" Zech 4:7

I've definitely written on here about this verse, but more and more God is revealing the truth in it to my heart in deeper and more powerful ways.

Mountains are huge. Most of my mountains in my life have only been hills, but if you know me, I consider every hill a mountain, because I am very dramatic
Every literal mountain I have tried to climb has brought me to a place where I think I am going to die, and midway decide to quit (which you really cannot do when you are in the middle of the woods with a large group). Every figurative mountain in my life, usually brings me to a place where I think I am going to die, and midway I decide to quit. I'm a quitter. God knows, I am a quitter. But He doesn't let me be- His grace is so beautiful.
Every single time it is by the grace and only ever by the grace of the Lord that I have overcome any mountain. It has never been my own strength, and that is why it is so important for there to be that corner stone that declares that it is only by the grace of the Lord.

Can I tell you, I forget this every single time a mountain comes around in my life though.

One of the big mountains in my life lately has been this weird little bought of social anxiety.
I've kind of just been panicking lately at the idea of hanging out with friends, or going to college and career, or going to social outings that I can't control. It's not going to the store or anything like that. I'm fine hanging out with cousins, or my family, or going to the nursing home, but for like the last month I've been super hesitant about any outing that may involve intimacy with friends.
And I finally went to college and career the other night trying to just get over my fears, because I know that sitting at home and letting my fears overcome me is never going to glorify God. And I know it was right and everything. So I thought, maybe this is just a little test of if I am going to obey God even when I don't feel like it- because He has called me not to forsake "the gathering of ourselves together" and it's important to be in fellowship.

But I was visiting with my old youth pastor the other day and he reminded me of something I really had forgotten.
God is intimate.

God is not all about me just obeying Him all the time. That is not His goal- to have a bunch of people running around obeying Him all the time. He's not like that. He doesn't just allow us to go through things to see if we're going to obey Him or not.

It's all about us knowing Him more. Being closer to Him. Getting to know the God of the Universe. My Father. My Friend. He loves for me to draw near to Him. And all of the mountains, all of the trials, all of the fears I face, are so that I will draw near to Him, seek His face, Cling to Him, Delight in Him...

He desires me to draw near to Him. I'm so thankful I serve a Great God who is alive, and is involved in the very intimate parts of my life.

And God has been showing me lately that He is so able. He is able to do all of the things that I cannot do. And that doesn't mean I should just be all like, 'This thing is too hard, I'll just let God take care of it'- He desires me to run to Him, to "take [His] yoke upon [me] and learn of [Him] for [He] is meek and lowly of heart, and [I] will find rest for [my] soul" (matt 11:29)- to lean on Him for my strength. To wait on Him. He doesn't desire me to just to "know" that He is able but to truly experience and take part in His ability.

One of the reasons I've been anxious about meeting with my friends or meeting for fellowship is that I'm just scared that I'm going to show up and not know what to say to people, not have anything spiritually to offer people, not be real, and that God will not meet me there. But as much as I know all that is not true because my Bible tells me so, I'm not having to lean on the Lord to know experiencially that it is not true. He is proving it to me. He is revealing it to my heart.
And I know there is still more He is going to show me. And I know that much of what He is showing me is going to be when I am still before the Lord. When I am seeking His face. I haven't been still in a very long time- I stopped expecting God to show me things intimately. But it's sweet now to enter in, to come before a God who desires me, who delights in me, and who I can delight in too.


And so on the Grandmom front- she was supposed to come home today, but the nursing home was able to push it back till next Wednesday. I'm not super sure how I feel about this. I mean, we still have a lot to get ready for her coming home (such as- get a hospital bed, finish cleaning her room out, etc), but I miss her, and have been promising her all week she was coming home today and she seemed really happy about it. She's been actually super awesome lately. She's been talking a lot more and awake and moving her hands more.
And when I was cleaning off her chin the other day she went to bite my hand.
And I was like, "what are you doing?"
Then she said, "I'm pretending to bite you"
Me: "What?"
Grandmom: "I'm teasing you" and she just smiled and was proud of herself for being so funny. It was just a very sweet moment to see some personality in her, and not just a crazy 80 year old woman, living in a hospital bed, going in a diaper, and eating baby food. She's still there and I just cannot believe it!
And I'm also a little apprehensive about her staying because her neighbor told me that the weekend nurse was mean and she had been glad my grandmom was getting out before the weekend. And now my grandmom's staying in!
God is so cool though because her neighbor is a believer and she'd been praying that grandmom would be saved, and it was cool to just be able to tell her that grandmom does know the Lord and to be able to talk about His faithfulness to her! It's just so comforting knowing the Lord put someone in the room with her that knows Him to just pray for her and care about her. He's a good, faithful God, isn't He?

I guess I might as well update before my grandmom ends up coming home from the nursing home.
So where did I leave off in this sad saga???
Yes-
on our last episode of grandmom vs. broken bones we saw Lydia in being moved from the ICU to a new nursing home, and so that was about three-four weeks ago that that happened. Since then, grandmom has laid in bed, growing more crooked by the day, eating pureed food, and watching endless hours of food network and HGTV since that is what I leave on the TV. She has one hour of therapy a day since she can't get out of bed because she has to wear a brace and if she is up to long it will cut into her thigh and if she does not wear the brace her femur/hip could break again. But if she stays in bed she gets crazier and weaker and more crooked. So it's a lose lose situation for the little demented German lady.

Anyway, maybe I should recap a little more- I had an emotional breakdown on Thursday the 6th as I mentioned but I did not mention the one the next day. On Friday the 7th I spent the day at the hospital freaking out because I thought something was wrong with grandmom and no one would have a dr. come look at her for me and I was getting really upset. You see, my grandmom decided she wanted to die and wouldn't eat but just closed her eyes and slept and covered her cute little face with her yellow blankie. Finally my mom arrived and the nurses paid attention to her and I was getting super upset and left because I had a sr. high staff meeting that night. Well anyway, here enters 2nd emotional breakdown of the week: I drive to Giant to get some broccoli to make a broccoli slaw for staff meeting but on the way there my mom calls and tells me her and the nurse think maybe grandmom is just giving up so i start balling my eyes out in the Giant parking lot (the poor cashier boy who was at the register was super sweet to me and my puffy eyes and bright red nose). I don't even know why- I was ready for grandmom to die, but at the same time I'm not because I really do like her and will miss her, but it was just too much at once.

Anyway, I accept my grandmother's eminent death and make my slaw for staff meeting and start driving there. On my way, I get a phone call from my mom- grandmom has been moved to Manor Care Rehab but they are checking her body over and find an oozing hole and think that there is an infection all in her body. Um- yeah, anyway- emo breakdown number 3! Anyway, I attend staff meeting while grandmom and mom go back to the ER, fast forward 5 hours later and it's midnight and mom is on her way home. There is NO infection and she has a hole from the port from surgery and it's fine blah blah blah.
12 am- phone call from Manor care asking why the hospital sent her back- didn't they see the lump in her leg??? ugh! so anyway, here we go back to the ER till 3 am to find that there is nothing wrong with her.

Needless to say, I stopped crying for about two weeks after that (i even barely cried when my dear friend Becky moved to California! and I'm usually an emotional wreck about stuff like that). I kind of just shut down for awhile and stopped going to the nursing home as much (only a couple hours a day as opposed to all day) and honestly, stopped expecting my grandmom to live and stopped investing emotionally into anyone (especially nursing homes and the people there)

so anyway, about a week ago, I realized my grandmom was still living and was actually probably going to make it home from this whole ordeal, and I started really wanting her home and not laying around there (though I surely enjoyed my freedom of being able to just leave my house and not be responsible for another life)...anyway, I had not expected my grandmother home until at least July...well, anyway, I guess God wanted something else because it looks like she'll be home in less than two weeks...!!!

I'm happy and scared and annoyed and worried and excited and upset all at the same time if that is possible?
I want my grandmom home.
But, she'll require two people to move her (conveniently it's when mom and the kids get done school for the summer)
she'll be eating pureed food (i can puree anything from spaghetti and meatballs to rolls and butter- ewwww)
she also probably will be unable to use the toilet (oh great!)
So honestly, I know I cannot do this. I don't have the physical, emotional, or mental strength to do this.
And it's going to be hard.
And yeah, i'll admit, I'm a little upset that my summer of freedom is at an end and there will be no overnight camp at Cville for me this June, and no random shore adventures like imagined, but can I tell you God is good? And I've never needed Him more than I do now? And He's perfecting my faith and He's also the incredible Author of it and He can do all these things in me that I cannot do. And He's teaching me to wait on Him and rely on Him for my every single need.
Yeah, and that's really all I want. He knows all I need and He supplies it all. I love Him.
Life is honestly not perfect, and I'm really thankful this is not all there is and I have HOPE of eternity in heaven awaiting me, and yes, I'm a selfish awful jerk and I would love my life to be easy and comfortable and to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want to do it... but...I gave my life to the One who paid for my sin on a bloody cross and who loves me enough not to let me live in my selfish egocentric world and to transform me into His image daily...Praise Him!

so anyway- here is what I need prayer for- so please pray for me-

-for strength- for me and my mom who both are daily struggling with our own selfish desires- that we would die to self and that we wouldn't just trudge through this season grumbling and complaining but that we would rise up in victory because Jesus Christ is able and that He would be glorified in our waking, eating, sleeping, breathing, working, etc.
-for fellowship- lately I've noticed myself just all of a sudden not wanting to hang out with people or go places and do things- that I would not shut people out but die to self and pour out my life for those around me and enter in to deep abiding fellowship with those around me
-for peace- the kind that passes understanding
-for wisdom- in what to really do with grandmom. that we would know if it's time for hospice and to stop drawing out her life or if we should continue extending it medically...it's a hard line and we don't know what to do
-for humility- to ask for help when we need it
-for love- for grandmom- the love that is selfish and sacrificial
-for joy- that all suffering would produce joy unspeakable in our lives
-for patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self control
well, i guess just pray we would be filled with the Holy Spirit daily, because then all of this will just be fruit in our lives

Any way- last week was too emotional and therefore I just have not felt like updating, but later I guess I'll get around to updating- I'll just leave you with my grandmom is alive and in Manor Care rehab and we're taking it a day at a time, but I don't cry anymore, okay?

Anyway, I took the morning and it's lovely rain and my finally getting to a grocery store to make this cake that I have been thinking about making for like ten hundred years-

(source)

If it counts for anything- the batter tastes incredible, and the final product is cooling and looks lovely

Music has been an awesome comfort lately and a song a friend shared recently has been resonating with this whole experience:
"Aslan"
Don't stop your crying on my account
A frightening lion, no doubt
He's not safe, no he's not safe
Are you tempted now to run away?
The King above all Kings is coming down

But He won't say the words you wish that he would
Oh, he don't do the deeds you know that He could
He won't think the thoughts you think He should
But He is good, He is good

I know you're thirsty, the water is free
But I should warn you, it costs everything
Well, He's not fair, no He's not fair
When He fixes what's beyond repair
And graces everyone that don't deserve

No one knows Him whom eyes never seen
No, I don't know Him but He knows me
He knows me, He knows me

Lay down your layers, shed off your skin
But without His incision, you can't enter in
He cuts deep, yeah He cuts deep
When the risk is great and the talk is cheap
But never leaves a wounded one behind
-Kendall Payne

I basically had an emotional breakdown at the hospital today. I think I'm losing my mind...yikes! I cannot even tell you what it really was about. Basically, if I didn't mention, my grandmom got moved out of ICU finally on Tuesday night and has been on a telemetry (monitoring) floor since then. Anyway, I found out that her primary doctor discharged her last night (not 24 hours since she'd been out of ICU) and that I needed to pick a nursing home for her to get transported to today.

um, so anyway, needless to say, I started balling my eyes out. Actually, it isn't needless to say, because I don't think normal people cry when you tell them their grandmother is getting out of the hospital.

But honestly, I just wasn't ready to have to deal with nursing homes already. I think I was traumatized by our last experience and they idea made me so stressed and emotional and I'm just so exhausted (even though I sleep all the time) that I just cracked. Thank goodness my grandmom has a private room because I think they might have locked me up if anyone saw me crying.

SO anyway, I called my mom and she and I realized they cannot discharge her without speaking to her ortho and cardiologist and them giving the go ahead. So I talked to the nurse and she agreed and I actually had to leave for Coatesville in the middle of all this. But I got a call when I was at the Dollar Store buying glow bracelets for our kids (our verse was "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path", cute huh?), the social worker from the hospital called and said they were not discharging her today (thank God!)

So she'll probably be out tomorrow or something, but I honestly could just not deal with it today. I woke up super depressed for some reason and could not shake it, but things got better after my emotional breakdown and going to Coatesville always helps and I love praying on the way up and having fellowship and serving the Lord with everything He gives me (because honestly, I literally was so fried I had nothing to offer those kids today)...

That's probably why something happens every Thursday...two week ago I locked myself out of my car like three minutes because I had to leave for Coatesville, then last week my grandmom had to go to the ER for this whole femur deal, and now this week emotional breakdown- God needs to show me that I'm weak every Thursday so His strength can be made complete. He's good. He's so good.

Anyway- please pray for wisdom with choosing a new nursing home for rehab and please pray for strength and just peace, I need it so much.

Also, please pray for Coatesville, one of our kids died last night in a car accident (well, he stole a car and crashed it when he was being chased by the cops), his name was Rasheem, but they all called him Mooch. I didn't know him, but he was related to some of our afternoon kid's club kids...that city needs Jesus so badly.

Sorry about how confusing that last post is- I'm sure it makes no sense to any of you, but as much as this is a blog to update everyone about my and my Grandmom's lives, it really is an online journal of sorts- I look back on these entries more than anyone else, trying to recall things, and looking at what God has done in my own life these last couple years.

So anyway, basically, something happened to my Grandmom at the nursing home between Monday night and Tuesday morning and we don't know what it was, but it was bad enough that she needed 3/4 of her femur replaced and her hip re-put back in. And honestly, I've realized something about myself. I think I am one of those people if I ever was abused or raped or something, would actually blame myself, or make excuses for my abuser. I always thought it didn't make sense for people to do that, but I honestly just am quick to trust people and believe their word.

But honestly, everyone can't be trusted. There are cruel people in this world. And there are people who maybe aren't necessarily cruel, but care more about themselves and covering their butts than that a little 80 year old woman is lying in a bed for 48 hours with a broken femur. That is just wrong.

But I kept making excuses for the nursing home yesterday. My mom was so upset and annoyed and frustrated and angry. She wanted to go right up to the nursing home and scream at them for allowing this to happen and be covered up. But in the back of my mind, I really thought it must have been something my grandmom did to herself, or that happened at the hospital.

But when her ortho doctor spoke with us today and told us how bad of a brake it was and how he really didn't know if she'd survive this operation and how painful this was going to be for my grandmother and the length of rehab...I finally was mad.

I was mad because they betrayed my trust. I really thought they were my friends at the nursing home- my blog does not lie and you can look two posts before this at how happy I was and settled. And there are good people at the nursing home- I really believe her therapists did not know and were given some story about the abductor pillow from someone who was trying to cover it up. But there are also some lying, deceitful, hurtful, selfish, awful people there who only care about themselves. And it makes me sick.

I've honestly been so nauseous today over it. That someone could do that. That people would truly lie to me like that. It's awful!

But honestly, I've definitely learned to appreciate the scriptures that speak of enemies (since I've really never had any before this) and that speaks of betrayal and how the Lord is the God who will bring justice on the last day, and He is our avenger...I never really needed God to "avenge" me before. And I'm so thankful to learn to need God in a new way- a new aspect of God's incredible personality to know and love. I'm so glad He is my avenger- because He is the God who sees (El Roi) and one day those who hurt my grandmom will stand before the God of the Universe with no excuse, and oh I do pray that they would have the blood of Jesus Christ to cover their sins, because I would hate to stand before God, having harmed His precious daughter on that day and not have my sins cleansed white as snow and my name written in the Lamb's book of life...

And honestly, I am exhausted- a. because I really believed my grandmother was going to die today and b. because this betrayal I can literally feel all the way into my bones. It just hurt so much. It hurts that I cannot go there again and see the people who I did and still do trust like Sally and Mary and Marie and both of the Johns, and even the residents who I now worry about like Maureen and Art and Joe and Theresa...I'm sad. I'm really sad because I loved seeing them everyday and I really cared about them.

well anyway- if I didn't write this yet, my Grandmom is alive! ha- she's in the ICU for the night and needs some more blood so she was pretty pale and sleeping when we saw her, but after 3 and 1/2 hours of surgery who wouldn't be? So we'll see- we've got a long road ahead, but I follow a faithful and Good Shepherd who will never leave or forsake me. I'm just so glad! It's good to know my grandmom is not alone in the hospital...

anyway, the David knows betrayal that is so much deeper than I'd ever know, and He did not know betrayal as deep as my precious Lord has known, but I'll leave you with a few of David's words on the topic:

Psalm 5
To the choirmaster: for the flutes. A Psalm of David.

Give ear to my words, O Lord;
consider my groaning.

Give attention to the sound of my cry,
my King and my God,
for to you do I pray.

O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice;
in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you[fn1] and watch.

For you are not a God who delights in wickedness;
evil may not dwell with you.

The boastful shall not stand before your eyes;
you hate all evildoers.

You destroy those who speak lies;
the Lord abhors the bloodthirsty and deceitful man.

But I, through the abundance of your steadfast love,
will enter your house.
I will bow down toward your holy temple
in the fear of you.

Lead me, O Lord, in your righteousness
because of my enemies;
make your way straight before me.


For there is no truth in their mouth;
their inmost self is destruction;
their throat is an open grave;
they flatter with their tongue.

Make them bear their guilt, O God;
let them fall by their own counsels;
because of the abundance of their transgressions cast them out,
for they have rebelled against you.

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
let them ever sing for joy,
and spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may exult in you.

For you bless the righteous, O Lord;
you cover him with favor as with a shield.

(my grandmom always says she is allergic to peanuts but she just doesn't like peanut butter because during the war they always fed it to her for nutrients!)

Wow...sorry for not updating, I guess I'm good at that! But I'll try to make it sound like I've been really busy so that I'll have an excuse for not updating, okay?

Let me go back a little because I've absolutely LOVED God's hand in this entire expedition. He is so faithful and good and the provider of all that I need, exactly when I need it, and I'm not just saying that because someone told me it, but because I've lived it.

So God's been dealing with me in the area of surrender. But He's been doing it for awhile now and I was getting a little squirmy because I really didn't want to surrender to the things He had asked me to do. But I was getting to this point where I was dry and His voice was getting so quiet and I just could not hear Him anymore and I just knew...I just knew it was my own fault. I had said "no" to Him so many times when He'd asked me to do something, that He was going to just wait and let me actually miss His voice and His leading and guiding until I was so sick of myself I decided to just do what He said...

Well anyway, fast forward to Wednesday April 7th, when I finally do just obey God in something He specifically called me to do. Why be vague? A couple years ago when my grandfather was dying I had written some nasty things about my aunts and cousins on this blog. My cousin read it read it I blew my testimony. It was horrible. I deleted the hurtful post, gave my cousin a quick apology, and then never mentioned or spoke of it again. And of course, I asked God to forgive me. He was faithful to forgive, but God had so much more for me in that situation and my pride was too hurt and I was too ashamed to even imagine Him wanting to bring that back up again...

but of course there was His still, small, constant voice speaking to me to contact my cousin and ask forgiveness and make reconciliation. Two years later, I still did not consider it even an option. Until I knew I just needed to obey God, so with the encouragement and accountability of a new, lovely friend, I wrote my cousin a little fb message just expressing what was going on in my life at that time, the fact that I was dealing with sin in my life then, and that I did not want my actions to reflect God, and how He was urging me to reconcile. I was so nervous, but filled with peace at the knowledge that this was totally His will.

And my cousin wrote back almost immediately that she had forgiven me long ago and barely remembers it, but the peace I felt after that was so huge. It was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders, a burden I had placed and let lie there for two long years. And God knew that this was best, but of course I always forget that I follow a Loving God who does not want to harm me.

Immediately after that I let my friend know that I had obeyed God, thanked her for her prayers, and asked prayer for just the warfare I really felt was going to follow this act of obedience.

And what happened next I wouldn't call warfare, but a trial for sure, but a trial that I absolutely knew was in the hands of the Author and Perfecter of my faith, and the Author and Perfecter of my grandmom's faith. And So I went to church that night, leaving a hyper grandmom in the hands of a crazy family. The study that night was for me, for sure. It was the part when Jesus healed the invalid by the pool of Bethesda. And our youth pastor was just touching on when Jesus asked the man if he wanted to be healed, and the man just started making excuses for why he could not be healed- and I knew I did that all the time. I make excuses to the God of the universe, the Creator, Healer, Lover of my soul for why I cannot do something, when He's not asking me if "I" can do something, but if He can do something for me!

So anyhow, after the study I get the four texts I mentioned in the previous post, run up to the hospital and deal with the little old crazy lady with the broken hip, who I lovingly call Grandmom.

Anyway, she gets surgery the following Saturday morning, a full hip replacement, since she went a shattered the whole thing! But after she came up to her room we started to notice she was crooked to her left side.

And I was just thought she had a stiff neck and would try to lift it up. I didn't notice that her hands were also all curled up and stiff. Neither did the nursing staff, obviously, because they let her go to a rehab/ nursing home to begin rehab the following Wednesday. We had to pick a nursing home, which was a little stressful for me, but we just checked out two and God gave me no peace about one and full peace about the other and so we absolutely love the one she is at! Anyway, the therapists had a doctor look at her and figured she'd had a stroke about a week before (the date of the surgery) but it was just a small one she's not so crooked and she's progressing day by day. I'm best friends with all the nurses, janitors, therapists, and old people and I'll write about all of my adventures there in another not so long post.

see much better!!!

and here's her room and the shelf with pictures and plant i set up to make it more cheerful!