A Life After Death

" After [Pilate] had said this, he went back outside to the Jews and told them, "I find no guilt in Him [Jesus]" (John 18:38)

"Pilate went out to them again and said to them, "See, I am bringing no Him out to you that you may know that I find no guilt in Him" (John 19:4)

Pilate said to them, "Take him yourselves and crucify Him, for I find no guilt in Him" (John 19:6)

Jesus never sinned. But He was the pure, examined, sacrificial lamb, who took my guilt. He bore my shame. He carried my sin. Praise Him! I'm so thankful lately for Christ's sacrifice for me. I can't handle His love for me. It's literally so overwhelming I don't really know what to do but thank Him and say how great He is. I'm so thankful.

 

Well, to be perfectly honest I have had a really hard time lately. Everything people have ever tried to warn me grieving was is actually what grieving is. Sometimes I'm just sad. Sometimes I just lay in my bed and cry because I'm just plain sad. Sometimes I hurt in just a really deep place inside of me that physically makes me feel ill. I finally brought up at our girl's study the other night that I needed prayer for my grieving and strangely since then it got harder. I don't know if it was me actually admitting to myself that I was having a hard time that opened up the can of worms that has been my emotions the past couple days. I don't know if it's just that I knew today was coming up and just facing that it's been four months was just hard for me. I don't really know and maybe that's been the hardest part- I just don't really understand. Because I know so much. I know where my grandmom is. I know that is was her time to go. I know that I need to go to Jesus with my hurt. I know that He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. I know that He's a loving God, that He has good plans for me, that He wants to meet with me, that it was needful for me for grandmom to go. And that's why when I'm just sad, and emotional, and hurting, that I just find my own emotions soooo confusing. Because I don't understand why I feel the way I feel.
Tonight we talked about taking every thought captive at prayer. And also about surrender. There's such a temptation to let my hurt and pain control me. My sad thoughts and sorrow to rule in my life and captivate me. But Jesus gives me the power to take every thought captive- to take them to Him. To not bear these burdens myself. To go to the One who wept. And Also I realized I needed to really surrender grandmom to Him. I cannot hold onto her. I keep giving her to Him and taking her back which is just so stupid since she's gone. But it's this idea of her and who she was and who I still want her to be for me. But all that I want her to be is actually what I need God to be for me. He's my source, my life, my joy, my sustenance, my comfort, my everything. He is the Lord who doesn't change, therefore I am not consumed. 

^" But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸ Indeed, I count everything as loss because ofthe surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— ¹⁰  that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.^"12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. ¹³ Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. ¹⁵ Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.¹⁶ Only let us hold true to what we have attained.¹⁷ Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. ¹⁸ For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. ¹⁹  Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. ²⁰ But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body,by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. " Philippians 3:7-21

One of the top things I miss most about my grandmom is just climbing into her bed and laying by her side. Honestly, I spent so many hours just laying in her bed and watching tv with her or playing on the computer or taking pictures together.  I just really miss her. And I don't really have an outlet for it. We haven't buried her yet (actually, her urn is hopefully still at the funeral home- we actually haven't gone to get it yet...woops) and so when I miss her there's really nowhere to go as like an outlet. I've taken over her room. I don't really have a special 'thing' that reminds me of her. To be honest, this blog is like the closest thing I have to something tangible that 'connects' me to her. But I think that's really the Lord- because I can't hold onto her. I can't draw close to her through these things- because she's not in them- she's in Heaven! She's not here. She's not in a room, or in the ground, or even in the marble urn (well, hopefully she's in the marble urn- wherever that is...), she's with Jesus. And I'm looking forward in faith to the day when I'll see her again. That's the reality of it. That's my hope. And the Lord is so good to me. He wants to comfort me and for me to draw near to Him and lean on His breast and find all comfort from Him. He took my grandmom from my side so I can just lay at His side and find my rest in Him. Grandmom's presence cannot comfort me because she is not here. Praise Jesus for His Presence in my life. 

I think I'm just overwhelmed with the Lord's kindness to me lately. Like why is He so kind and nice to me? So constantly showering blessings on me? I don't deserve an ounce of it! I feel like I'm just in a season where the Lord has so clearly led and ministered to me and provided for my needs- and I almost feel bad because I know everyone isn't in a season like this. So many people I know are in wilderness seasons- and that's what I'd been anticipating and been preparing myself for after grandmom died! And I won't pretend like I haven't had some really hard days and moments of just darkness and pain, but the Lord has just in all of it shown Himself so clearly. Like I'm constantly bombarded with Him revealing Himself in little ways in the midst of it. And it's like whenever I'm hurting the most, He's always sending something or someone my way just to remind me He sees me. From getting me my lost journal off the side of the road, to leading and speaking to me about waiting for my job and than providing the perfect job, to getting me off of work for a retreat this weekend, to giving me such favor at work with my manager and co-workers, to having me stand next to co-workers at church when I'm sobbing, to having the perfect schedule, to friends praying for me, to texts from friend's at just the right time- like it's like the Lord is constantly reminding me I'm not alone and He sees my hurt and pain and just wants me to know that He loves me. I'm spoiled, honestly. And I know that this isn't always how the Lord will work in my life- there will be seasons where it's dark and dry and I need to walk by faith, but right now I see the Lord's hand so evidently in my life and His blessing are so abundant that I don't want to waste it and now Praise Him and thank Him for it. And to also remember it during those faith testing times- that He's ever only been faithful to me and He's worthy of all my trust no matter what.  Anyway, I'm just very thankful right now that I serve such a kind, generous, loving God.

Grieving is so weird. I don't know if it's all just amplified because I'm tired and really didn't get any down time this weekend, or if it's because I wasn't getting into the Word as much, but it's been really really hard lately. I can't believe it's actually how people said it would be- it just hits you out of nowhere. Pushing a cart of clothes at my job. Turning on the tv and seeing Wheel of Fortune on. Meeting my friend's German fiancee. Seeing my aunt I haven't seen since the funeral. Driving, eating, going to bed, waking up. But it's not the missing grandmom that is the hardest. It's this guilt. It hits me so hard. And I know it's  not from the Lord. Anyway, last night I was at my church's young adult group Bible study and it was so hard for some odd reason (and I really do believe part of it is how tired I was yesterday), but I couldn't stop thinking about my grandmom being in pain and me not being able to do anything, or her mouth being dry, or her being hungry, or her laying in her wet diaper. And I felt so guilty. And I kept thinking I should ask someone to pray for me. But I just kept avoiding it and trying to talk myself through it. The irony was our study was about relationships and how God made us to need each other. And I was going to try to pull through this one alone. Anyway, I kept trying to meet new people and minister to other people- and I was just exhausted. And I was finishing up cleaning up the food when my sweet friend Chantale asked if we could pray. It was like a breath of fresh air to be asked that. I'm just so blessed how sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading this sweet sister is! Anyway, I told her what was going on (just about losing it talking to her and actually letting out what was going on) and then I even tried to ask her what I could pray for her for, but she just wanted to pray for me. The Lord knew I couldn't minister to anyone if I wasn't allowing myself to be ministered to. And the Lord just spoke to me that He is the God who sees- He sees my hurt and pain and all of it- and He sent a sister to be a vessel of His love for me. He loves me. I'm not worthy of an ounce or it. And yet He loves me and sees me and is so sweet to meet with me and draw near to me. What an amazing awesome God!

Well, it's almost over. I feel like these last 31 days have taken a year to live. Longest month ever. There's a part of me that feels like grandmom died a long time ago- I cannot believe it hasn't even been a month. Then there's this other part that feels like I was just laying in her bed yesterday. I miss it like crazy. It hits me at the weirdest times- usually pulling up to the house. Coming home after church. The routine was always, come into the house and go right into grandmom's room. "Hello beautiful," I'd say. Another life ago. After dinner it'll hit me- I was so used to heading right upstairs to feed her. I just miss her.

But the Lord is good- still such joy. And I haven't been overwhelmed by sorrow yet. Little waves crash, sometimes they look big coming from the shore, but they always come in small and go back out. One anchor= Jesus. One hope= Jesus. One sustainer= Jesus. So thankful.

Anyway, my eyes are fixed ahead. That's where my life is. I can't dwell in what my life was, or how things used to be. It's not my life anymore. Everything is ahead- eternity, Jesus, grandmom...the plans He has for me. He's laid such a foundation in my life- the Rock- Jesus. Just like grandmom, Jesus made me His own.

" Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,  I press on toward the goal for  the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. " Philippians 3:12-14

God cares about me. God loves me. God sees me. He sees my needs and He also sees my wants (and He doesn't always withhold our wants from us- Sometimes we act like He's out to get us and never wants to give us things we want- but that's not true).

Anyway, I wanted to share my purse story. I wrote the incident here but to recap- Last Sunday (not yesterday, but the Sunday before) I left my purse containing my Bible, journal, and a book, on the back of my car while I was pumping gas, and when I drove off it fell off on the side of Route 1 (but my wallet or cell phone were in my car- thankfully). Anyway, I came home that day and just prayed something along the lines of, "Lord, for some reason you don't want me to have those things right now. Maybe it's to make me rely on you and not the things you showed me in my journal or in that book or even the verses I underlined in my Bible- but to just rely on You. Anyway, I would really like those things back though, so I surrender my bag to you, but I'm asking you to protect it and get it back to me if it's Your will." I also asked Him to just use this for His glory. Anyway, it may seem random and small and a stupid thing to pray for, but it was important to me, and the Lord knew it.

So Thursday night, I'm getting stuff together for our Thursday Night Girl's study at the church and see a number pop up on my phone that I didn't know. I let it go to voicemail and continued collecting my things. Finally, I got a chance to listen to the voicemail- it was from someone from my church. She goes on the explain how this guy that she works with in Southampton had found my purse and was trying to contact me. He tried to message me on facebook but it wasn't working (I must have it blocked from people I don't know), and so he finally said to this woman, Stephanie, "This is a really weird question, but you know everyone at Calvary, do you know a Tiffany Doran?" And yes she did!!!

Anyway, she gets to tell me the whole story over the phone today, apparently, he goes to church over near my house and had to get gas after church- well of course he never goes to that gas station, but today he had to- and as he's merging onto Route 1, he sees a bag on the median with a Bible next to it!!!! He thinks, "it might be someone from my church!" He can't stop because someone is behind him, but has to drive up at least a mile before he can exit and than he COMES ALL THE WAY BACK TO GET MY PURSE!!! Crazy! Anyway, he sees that there is already a car stopped with their flashers on looking through my purse. For some reason, he still decides to try to get the purse and asked the person if they found that purse! The person goes on the say that there is no wallet in it. He then says, i think it might be someone from my church's, do you mind if I take it? Any they give it to him!!!!

So he gave them to Stephanie today at work and I should have it all back tonight!

Isn't that awesome?
The Lord knew I really wanted those things. He caused me to surrender them to Him. I didn't need them. I think that was part of it- realizing I didn't need them, but I wanted them. And admitting that to the Lord. And He cares about my wants and needs and knows if they are something I should have or not and when exactly to give them back to me if He wants me to have them.

Anyway, it was a good reminder today that He is truly a personal God who cares about and loves me. So thankful!!!!

Well, I had another job offer yesterday. I feel like I literally wrote that post and next thing you know I'm getting a call from my old school (the school at my church) for a position. Anyway, I'm like so confused at this point. My dad just told me to wait for a month. Next thing you know my mom and him are calling me telling me to take the position- it would be perfect. And sure, of course I'd love playing at my old school/church all day. But...I just honestly don't feel like that's what I'm supposed to be doing. I can't for the life of me tell you what exactly that is, but I really didn't feel like that was it. Besides my dad had just told me not to accept any positions for a month. There's no reason my dad would tell me to do that. That's not like him at all. And it really didn't sound like him now that a few hours later he's practically denying he said it and telling me to take the position at Calvary.




Anyway, I talked it through with one of my pastors and a friend yesterday and went up to the school today and told them no.




So my first week home after seeking the Lord for what's next and I've turned down two perfect positions.

Yeah, I'm probably crazy.




But honestly, I don't know what the Lord is planning for these next few weeks, but it really seems like I'm supposed to keep waiting. It's not the most sane thing I've ever done, but it does seem clear. And like those verses said up there- The Lord never will forsake His children as they follow His commands.

(And on a side note: I'm not saying everyone should just not work and sit at home all day and pray and stuff. It's definitely Biblical to work and not be lazy. But I'm not being lazy- I'm in charge or housekeeping and cooking these days- and I am eventually going to work- or at least do something! haha)

So that's the latest development in the drama that is my life. I feel like a fool turning down these jobs, and maybe I am, but I do feel like the Lord is still saying wait.




In the mean time, besides being the maid of the Doran family, our ESL class is also restarting back up! So please pray- I'm super excited for this go round. We're way more organized and our curriculum looks good. So please pray for the Lord to provide laborers and the harvest! I truly saw His hand in leading this class and I'm excited for us to really rely on Him and seek Him and see Him work with this session. Tomorrow my friend Mariana and I are going to go pass out flyers for the class!

I got back on Friday evening (my dad wanted me home before it snowed on Saturday- thought it probably would have been nice to get snowed in up at Old Mill) But I'm not going to update yet on my time away.

Reason #1 I really do need to clean my house up and some other errands so I don't have too much time today to reflect and do that time justice

Reason #2 Yesterday morning I was driving to church with my sister, and my gas tank was on super empty, so I stopped at the closest gas station to my house, pumped ten bucks of gas in, and than went on my way. We got to church, I reached back for my purse- and then it hit me like a ton of bricks- I left my purse on the back of my car at the gas station. Not in but on. Yup. Story of my life. Anyway- thank the Lord that my wallet and cell phone were not in there! But in it was my Bible, my journal (yes, the one from the last like two months!!! Yes my journal from my time away with the Lord!), and this awesome book one of my pastors got for my family by John Ross McDuff. I left church to go look for it and call the gas station to see if it fell out there, but no they had seen me drive off with it on the back of my car- right onto the HIGHWAY, of course. So my brother and I drove up and down the highway looking for it- I found on the median a little ways down a pair of $1.00 gloves that were in my purse and also a little pamphlet on prayer that had been in my purse but no sign of the purse between the gas station and the mall.

So if by some chance, you  picked up my purse, found my Bible, googled my name, and are reading this- um, yeah, I really really really would like it back. And Jesus loves you!

In other news, I was rereading Susannah Spurgeon's Free Grace and Dying Love morning devotions today and this morning  the verse was, "and it shall not seem hard unto thee" (Deuteronomy 15:18)

The Well in the Wilderness

"Dear Lord, I have this morning come to one of the secret springs of sweet waters; an ancient, hidden well in the wilderness which your love, as it were, kept covered up and concealed, till  my great need moved you to open my eyes to discover it it. How precious has your thought been to me, O Lord! How strengthening and refreshing are these 'cold waters to a thirsty soul', which you have thus made to break forth in a strange place! For I thought I was suffering a hard thing, Lord, in the dealings and discipline which you have seen necessary for me; and, though, your grace kept me from openly murmuring and complaining, my inner self constantly cried out, 'this is hard, Lord, this is very hard.'

 But now you say, 'No, My child, it must not even seem hard to you. Your trust in me should be so perfect, your faith in my love so strong, your obedience to my will so complete, that nothing should seem grievous which I appoint, no trial that I send should frighten or overwhelm you. Have I not always been to you, "a very present help in trouble"? Lord, my heart says, 'Amen!' to your gracious words, and then trust you to work all this loving obedience in me by Your own mighty power. 

'It Shall not seem hard unto thee.' The peculiar trial through which I am now passing, is the very 'it' which must not seem hard to me. God's bow is never drawn at random; he makes no mistakes either in telling the number of 'the stars', or in the measuring out to me the griefs which shall teach me to glorify Him. And, dear reader, if you would find comfort from the words which so comforted me, you must look upon  your present trouble, whatever it may be, and say, 'Lord, this shall not seem hard to me, for I have received so much bounty and blessing from you, I have known so much of your pity and pardoning love, that I dare   not mistrust you, or question for a  moment the divine wisdom of your dealings with me.'

Ah! our eyes are so dimmed by earth's fogs and shadows that we cannot see clearly enough  to distinguish from evil and if left to ourselves might embrace a curse rather than a blessing. Poor blind mortals that we are, it is well for us that our Master should choose trials for us even though to our imperfect vision He seems sometimes to have appointed a hard thing.

Yes, it is in absolute and loving surrender to the will of the Lord that the secret of true rest and peace is found. This  is the alchemy which turns earth's sorrows into heaven's blessings; here is the antidote to every sting, the sure-all of each care, the unfailing remedy for all anxious and restlessness. Dear Lord, if I am your child, trusting, loving, obeying you, how can your will for me seem 'hard?' No, rather, I should joyfully meet and welcome it, well knowing that your love to me, could only send a message of peace, however dark might be the envelope which enwrapped it. 

This comfort cannot apply to troubles which we make for ourselves, and which we sometimes glorify into spiritual hardships, when they are really selfish sins; these are not God's will for us, but our own perverse way, and they bring nothing better than bitterness and tears. But God given burden or sorrow, carried out into the sunshine of His love, and laid at His blessed feet, immediately loses all it's hardness and is transformed into a blessing, for which our soul praises the Lord with tender thanksgiving.

'It shall not seem hard unto thee.' Ah! Dear master, it must grievously pain your loving heart when we, your own redeemed ones, think any of your dealings with us harsh or stern. You have loved us from everlasting, you did not spare your own Son when a ransom was required for our souls, you have led us, and fed us, and cared for us all our life long; can we be so wicked and ungrateful as to deem anything 'hard' which your wisdom and love appoint?

'It shall not seem hard unto thee.' Since this precious text rippled from the pages of God's word, like a 'brook by the way', I have been drinking of it's waters with great joy; when a  trouble, great or small presses my soul, and causes my heart to faint within me, I take another drought from this sweet spring, and soon am ready to say, 'it is no longer hard, Lord, for 'I am filled with comfort, I am exceeding joyful in all our tribulation."'

So my friends up at the Camp at Old Mill finally got back to me (it was the Lord's timing) about me staying up there for a few days to pray and seek the Lord about what is next for me. To be honest, there's a part of me that is excited, and a part of me that is terrified. I'm unplugging. No laptop. No ipod. No TV. No friends, family, pastors (though I will have my cell with me). Just me and God. Which sounds really great until I start to question- will He meet with me? What if I have a panic attack? What if I hear nothing from Him? What if He does say something to me (and it's something hard...)? What if He tells me to keep waiting (how long can I actually be still!)? And the list goes on and on...and yeah, these are some of things that were going through my mind last night as I tried to sleep...and couldn't. I just was having a lot of anxiety about allowing God to be my one source- allowing everything else to dry up. 


Here are some things that have been my comfort:

You have said, “Seek my face.”My heart says to you,“Your face, Lord, do I seek.” Psalm 27:8

The Lord is the one who pursued me. He initiated the whole relationship we have to begin with. He's the one telling me to be still, to get alone, to wait. My response is only to seek Him with all the strength He provides. I'm responsible for that part of it- everything else is on Him. And He's the one who is faithful to begin with. Why do I doubt His faithfulness and ability. Another comfort is the rest of that Psalm and how it kind of sounds like David is kind of having trouble hearing from the Lord in it- asking the Lord not to hide from him, forsake him,turn away from him(9), and the face that the encouragement David ends the Psalm with is:

"Wait for the Lord;be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" (14). 

He knows that our inclination is to just get discouraged when we're seeking the Lord. That sometimes things don't feel or even look like the Lord is helping us, or answering us, or even there for us. But We're to wait for the Lord.

And "be strong, and let your heart take courage" reminds me of Joshua 1:9- "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. oDo not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”" My comfort- The Lord is with me. The same comfort I had in the Valley of the Shadow of Death. "Thou art with me." 

He's a Good Shepherd. "For His name's sake" does He lead me in paths of righteousness. 
And I know that no matter what happens these next few days- "He's a very present help"- my refuge is in Him. My shelter. My fortress. And I know these words mean there's trouble. I know sometimes He leads us into the wilderness. I know there's a war going on and a battle. But He is my refuge. He is righteous. He is victorious. He is able. He is mighty. He is Stronger. He is sufficient. I am none of those things and so I will hide myself In Him. 


Anyway, just some thoughts before I go up there tonight (I'll probably be back this weekend). Please pray for me. I'm pretty certain the panic and anxiety are gonna try to hang around- but I know where to go with them. I think they actually stir me to my knees more than anything else and that's probably why the Lord lets them hang around. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God,and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7.

Highlight of my night: Grandma puckered her lips to give me a kiss (not initiated by me). It was sweet. A touch of her. Then we had a sweet talk about all the wonderful things that will happen when she's with Jesus. I am so excited for her. And jealous. And sorrowful- but not the sorrow of this world. (oh how my heart would be so broken without hope of the Resurrection- of eternal life because of God's Great Love for us in sending His Son to be the propitiation for our sins!) I know that my grandmom's "life" on this earth is ending- but soon she will be more alive than me. It doesn't mean my heart isn't hurting...but there's still joy and comfort and peace- Thank you Lord!

Well, where did we leave off? Christmas was fine. Quiet, like we wanted, which was good. It didn't really feel like Christmas, but it was a pretty chill couple days. Christmas morning I was a little emotional. My family was considering not bringing grandmom down for unwrapping presents. I cried. They brought her down. She had a nice time, not very talkative, but was pretty alert for the morning.
And Christmas was also the last time she had eaten this week. She had maybe a couple scoops of oatmeal and juice on Monday or Tuesday but that was it. She covers her mouth cause she doesn't want to eat.
The Doctor came on Friday and said that in the end the endorphins kick in and they aren't really hungry anymore. He basically said she can stay on hospice cause she's on her way out.
For the most part we've taken it a day at a time. "Did grandmom eat today?" No. "Did grandmom go to the bathroom today?" No.

I never really thought I'd want to go to change her and just want a wet diaper.

I came home from church tonight to my poor mom snuggling her mommy in bed. Grandmom's eyes were hazel/green and unfocused. They're usually brown. Her skin is getting saggy from dehydration. I can feel her cheek bones and see her vertebrae and her skin on her face is starting to breakdown.
Death. It's so wierd.

She finally let me drop some egg nog in her mouth with a little dropper tonight. But it was thin liquids so she started to cough/choke on it. We got some thickened juice and a little smoothie in her. Not much, but it was something.

But I was torn. Because, really, there's a part of me that doesn't want her to start eating again because I honestly don't want to have to go through this again. No more eating and not eating. No more watching her starve and not go to the bathroom. I just want it to be over.
But then of course I don't. Cause I really don't want to see her die.
I can't imagine my life without her.

But then there's things I look forward to- actually being able to go out as a family and not worry about getting a sitter. Being able to go on vacation with my family again. I don't know what it's like to just go out and not be worrying in the back of my mind about being home to feed or change someone.
And there's a million things I'll miss. If I listed them I'd cry...so I'm not going to. I'm sure I've listed some of them here on this blog before.

I just hate the anticipation of it all. I don't want to watch her suffer. I don't know what it's like to watch someone take a last breath.

And to be honest, I just can't worry. I'm going to do what I've done the last four years. Rely on the grace of God for tomorrow. It's been His grace since day one and His grace will carry me to the end.