A Life After Death

I shared with some friends today my dream from last night. I've had very few dreams in my life that have "changed" me (other than the nightmare I had about the bloody hair lady who traumatized my childhood), but this will be one most certainly will live with me for awhile.

I just wanted to give you all a head's up on who is running next year (well...according to my grandmom)

HIMSELF
By: A. B. SimpsonI wish to speak to you about Jesus, and Jesus only. I often hear people say, "I wish I could get hold of Divine Healing, but I cannot." Sometimes they say, "I have got it." If I ask them, "What have you got?" the answer is sometimes, "I have got the blessing", sometimes it is, "I have got the theory"; sometimes it is, "I have got the healing"; sometimes, "I have got the sanctification." But I thank God we have been taught that it is not the blessing, it is not the healing, it is not the sanctification, it is not the thing, it is not the it that you want, but it is something better. It is "the Christ"; it is Himself. How often that comes out in His Word  "Himself took our infirmities and bare our sicknesses", Himself "bare our sins in his own body on the tree"! It is the person of Jesus Christ we want. Plenty of people get the idea and do not get anything out of it. They get it into their head, and it into their conscience, and it into their will; but somehow they do not get Him into their life and spirit, because they have only that which is the outward expression and symbol of the spiritual reality. I once saw a picture of the Constitution of the United States, very skillfully engraved in copper plate, so that when you looked at it closely it was nothing more than a piece of writing, but when you looked at it at a distance, it was the face of George Washington. The face shone out in the shading of the letters at a little distance, and I saw the person, not the words, nor the ideas; and I thought, "'That is the way to look at the Scriptures and understand the thoughts of God, to see in them the face of love, shining through and through; not ideas, nor doctrines, but Jesus Himself as the Life and Source and sustaining Presence of all our life."
I prayed a long time to get sanctified, and sometimes I thought I had it. On one occasion I felt something, and I held on with a desperate grip for fear I should lose it, and kept awake the whole night fearing it would go, and, of course, it went with the next sensation and the next mood. Of course, I lost it because I did not hold on to Him. I had been taking a little water from the reservoir, when I might have all the time received from Him fullness through the open channels. I went to meetings and heard people speak of joy. I even thought I had the joy, but I did not keep it because I had not Himself as my joy. At last He said to me  Oh so tenderly  "My child, just take Me, and let Me be in you the constant supply of all this, Myself." And when at last I got my eyes off my sanctification, and my experience of it, and just placed them on the Christ in me, I found, instead of an experience, the Christ larger than the moment's need, the Christ that had all that I should ever need who was given to me at once, and for ever! And when I thus saw Him, it was such rest; it was all right, and right for ever. For I had not only what I could hold that little hour, but also in Him, all that I should need the next and the next and so on, until sometimes I get a glimpse of what it will be a million years afterwards, when we shall "shine forth as the sun in the kingdom of our Father" (Matt. 13: 43), and have "all the fullness of God."
And so I thought the healing would be an it too, that the Lord would take me like the old run-down clock, wind me up, and set me going like a machine. It is not thus at all. I found it was Himself coming in instead and giving me what I needed at the moment. I wanted to have a great stock, so that I could feel rich; a great store laid up for many years, so that I would not be dependent upon Him the next day; but He never gave me such a store. I never had more holiness or healing at one time than I needed for that hour. He said: "My child, you must come to Me for the next breath because I love you so dearly I want you to come all the time. If I gave you a great supply, you would do without Me and would not come to Me so often; now you have to come to Me every second, and lie on My breast every moment." He gave me a great fortune, placed thousands and millions at credit, but He gave a cheque-book with this one condition, "You never can draw more than you need at the time." Every time a cheque was wanted, however, there was the name of Jesus upon it, and so it brought more glory to Him, kept His name before the heavenly world and God was glorified in His Son.
I had to learn to take from Him my spiritual life every second, to breathe Himself in as I breathed, and breathe myself out. So, moment by moment for the spirit, and moment by moment for the body, we must receive. You say, "Is not that a terrible bondage, to be always on the strain ?" What, on the strain with one you love, your dearest Friend ? Oh, no! It comes so naturally, so spontaneously, so like a fountain, without consciousness, without effort, for true life is always easy, and overflowing.
And now, thank God, I have Him, not only what I have room for, but that which I have not room for, but for which I shall have room, moment by moment, as I go on into the eternity before me. I am like the little bottle in the sea, as full as it will hold. The bottle is in the sea, and the sea is in the bottle; so I am in Christ, and Christ is in me. But, besides that bottleful in the sea, there is a whole ocean beyond; the difference is, that the bottle has to be filled over again, every day, evermore.
Now the question for each of us is not "What think you of Bethshan, and what think you of divine healing?" but "What think you of Christ?" There came a time when there was a little thing between me and Christ. I express it by a little conversation with a friend who said, "You were healed by faith." "Oh, no," I said, "I was healed by Christ." What is the difference? There is a great difference. There came a time when even faith seemed to come between me and Jesus. I thought I should have to work up the faith, so I labored to get the faith. At last I thought I had it; that if I put my whole weight upon it, it would hold. I said, when I thought I had got the faith, "Heal me." I was trusting in myself, in my own heart, in my own faith. I was asking the Lord to do something for me because of something in me, not because of something in Him. So the Lord allowed the devil to try my faith, and the devil devoured it like a roaring lion, and I found myself so broken down that I did not think I had any faith. God allowed it to be taken away until I felt I had none. And then God seemed to speak to me so sweetly, saying, "Never mind, my child, you have nothing. But I am perfect Power, I am perfect Love, I am Faith, I am your Life, I am the preparation for the blessing, and then I am the Blessing, too. I am all within and all without, and all for ever." It is just having "The Faith of God" (Mark 11: 22, margin). "And the life I now live in the flesh, I live," not by faith onthe Son of God, but "by the faith of the Son of God" (Gal. 2 20). That is it. It is not your faith. You have no faith in you, any more than you have life or anything else in you. You have nothing but emptiness and vacuity, and you must be just openness and readiness to take Him to do all. You have to take His faith as well as His life and healing, and have simply to say, "I live by the faith of the Son of God." My faith is not worth anything. If I had to pray for anyone, I would not depend upon my faith at all. I would say, "Here, Lord, am I. If you want me to be the channel of blessing to this one just breathe into me all that I need." It is simply Christ, Christ alone.
Now, is your body yielded to Christ for Him thus to dwell and work in you? The Lord Jesus Christ has a body as wel1 as you only it is perfect; it is the body, not of a man, but of the Son of man. Have you considered why He is called the Son of man? The Son of man means that Jesus Christ is the one typical, comprehensive, universal, all-inclusive Man. Jesus is the one man that contains in Himself all that man ought to be all that man needs to have. It is all in Christ. All the fullness of the Godhead and the fullness of a perfect manhood has been embodied in Christ, and He stands now as the summing-up of all that man needs. His spirit is all that your spirit needs, and He just gives us Himself. His body possesses all that your body needs. He has a heart beating with the strength that your heart needs. He has organs and functions redundant with life, not for Himself, but for humanity. He does not need strength for Himself. The energy which enabled Him to rise and ascend from the tomb, above all the forces of nature, was not for Himself. That marvellous body belongs to your body. You are a member of His body. Your heart has a right to draw from His heart all that it needs. Your physical life has a right to draw from His physical life its support and strength, and so it is not you, but it is just the precious life of the Son of God. Will you take Him thus today, and then you will not be merely healed, but you will have a new life for all you need, a flood of life that will sweep disease away, and then remain a fountain of life for all your future need. Oh, take Him in His fullness.
It seems to me as if I might just bring you a little talisman today, as if God had given me a little secret for every one here and said to me, "Go and tell them, if they will take it, it will be a talisman of power wherever they go, and it will carry them through difficulty, danger, fear, life, death, eternity." If I could stand on this platform and say, "I have received from heaven a secret of wealth and success which God will give freely, through my hand, to everybody who will take it," I am sure you would need a larger hall for the people who would come. But, dear friends, I show you in His Word a truth which is more precious. The Apostle Paul tells us that there is a secret, a great secret which was hidden from ages and from generations (Col. 1: 26), which the world was seeking after in vain, which wise men from the East hoped they might find, and God says it "is now made manifest to his saints"; and Paul went through the world just to tell it to those that were able to receive it; and that simple secret is just this "Christ in you the hope of glory."
The word "mystery" means secret; this is the great secret. And I tell you today, nay, I can give you, if you will take it from Him, not from me-I can give you a secret which has been to me, oh, so wonderful! Years ago I came to Him burdened with guilt and fear; I tried that simple secret, and it took away all my fear and sin. Years passed on, and I found sin overcoming me and my temptations too strong for me. I came to Him a second time, and He whispered to me, "Christ in you," and I had victory, rest and blessing.
Then the body broke away in every sort of way. I had always worked hard, and from the age of fourteen I studied and labored and spared no strength. I took charge of a large congregation at the age of twenty-one; I broke down utterly half a dozen times and at my last constitution was worn out. Many times I feared I should drop dead in my pulpit. I could not ascend any height without a sense of suffocation, because of a broken-down heart and exhausted nervous system. I heard of the Lord's healing, but I struggled against it. I was afraid of it. I had been taught in theological seminaries that the age of the supernatural was past, and I could not go back from my early training. My head was in my way, but at last when I was brought to attend "the funeral of my dogmatics," as Mr. Schrenck says, "the Lord whispered to me the little secret, 'Christ in you'; and from that hour I received Him for my body as I had done for my soul. I was made so strong and well that work has been a perfect delight. For years I have spent my summer holiday in the hot city of New York, preaching and working amongst the masses, as I never did before; besides the work of our Home and College and an immense mass of library work and much besides. But the Lord did not merely remove my sufferings. It was more than simple healing. He so gave me Himself that I lost the painful consciousness of physical organs. That is the best of the health He gives. I thank the Lord that He keeps me from all morbid, physical consciousness and a body that is the object of anxious care, and gives a simple life that is a delight and a service for the Master, that is a rest and joy.
Then, again, I had a poor sort of a mind, heavy and cumbrous, that did not think or work quickly. I wanted to write and speak for Christ and to have a ready memory, so as to have the little knowledge I had gained always under command. I went to Christ about it, and asked if He had anything for me in this way. He replied, "Yes, my child, I am made unto you Wisdom." I was always making mistakes, which I regretted, and then thinking I would not make them again; but when He said that He would be my wisdom, that we may have the mind of Christ, that He could cast down imaginations and bring into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ, that He could make the brain and head right, then I took Him for all that. And since then I have been kept free from this mental disability, and work has been rest. I used to write two sermons a week, and it took me three days to complete one. But now, in connection with my literary work, I have numberless pages of matter to write constantly besides the conduct of very many meetings a week, and all is delightfully easy to me. The Lord has helped me mentally, and I know He is the Saviour of our mind as well as our spirit.
Well, then, I had an irresolute will. I asked, ' Cannot you be a will to me?" He said, "Yes, my child, it is God who worketh in you to will and to do." Then He made me to learn how and when to be firm, and how and when to yield. Many people have a decided will, but they do not know how to hold on just at the proper moment. So, too, I came to Him for power for His work and all the resources for His service, and He has not failed me.
And so I would say, if this precious little secret of "Christ in you," will help you, you may have it. May you make better use of it than I! I feel I have only begun to learn how well it works. Take it and go on working it out, through time and eternity-Christ for all, grace for grace, from strength to strength, from glory to glory, from this time forth and even for evermore.


HIMSELF
    By: A. B. Simpson
Once it was the blessing,
Now it is the Lord;
Once it was the feeling,
Now it is His Word.
Once His gifts I wanted,
Now the Giver own;
Once I sought for healing,
Now Himself alone.
Once 'twas painful trying,
Now 'tis perfect trust;
Once a half salvation,
Now the uttermost.
Once 'twas ceaseless holding,
Now He holds me fast;
Once 'twas constant drifting,
Now my anchor's cast.
Once 'twas busy planning,
Now 'tis trustful prayer;
Once 'twas anxious caring,
Now He has the care.
Once 'twas what I wanted
Now what Jesus says;
Once 'twas constant asking,
Now 'tis ceaseless praise.
Once it was my working,
His it hence shall be;
Once I tried to use Him,
Now He uses me.
Once the power I wanted,
Now the Mighty One;
Once for self I labored,
Now for Him alone.
Once I hoped in Jesus,
Now I know He's mine;
Once my lamps were dying,
Now they brightly shine.
Once for death I waited,
Now His coming hail;
And my hopes are anchored
Safe within the vail.

So, as of late, my grandmom is in the hospital with pneomonia- but i think she'll be fine. I love going to the hospital- I just feel great there- but I will never be a nurse. I would loathe that job and God bless the people who are nurses- just...ew. Andre the nurse was so amiable and patient as my grandmom described her bowel movement to him, what kind of people are these nurses anyway?! honestly- but hanging out there- I could do that. My favorite part is a lot of them don't realize that my grandmom is crazy- but...they catch on pretty fast. The therapist asked me yesterday "does your grandmom do her own bills?" I laughed- this was her kind way of asking if my grandmom wasn't all put together "up there." My favorite is "does your grandmom live alone?" Laugh out loud.
I'm starting to know St. Mary's Medical center like I know Calvary- I just don't clean there...yet! ha. Just kidding- who knows what kind of disgusting body fluids I would have to clean up! But i was there from 10-4 yesterday- so the nurses all wanted to be my best friends.

So the other day we made sugar cookies! mmmm. I bought fall cookie cutters at Target and we made turkey shapes and leaf shapes and ghost and bat and pumpkin and acorns!!!!!! It was sooo much fun. And then we decorated them. Too bad my grandmom was falling asleep like the entire time (this was Friday-the night before she went in the hospital- her pulse-ox levels were low), but when she went in the hospital the next day, I thought, well, if she dies today than she had a wonderful last night- drinking tea and decorating cookies with her grandkids- ha! is that morbid?

All right- I'm off to embrace fall and go to Trader Joe's and buy Brie cheese and heat it up and put Mango Chutney on top and almond slivers and eat it with crackers...mmmm...oh and clean up this house! yikes.

And I'm so excited for Thanksgiving since I didn't have Thanksgiving last year :( I know! alas. But it will be grand!

You all know of my Magic Apron.
But you may not know that it has now inspired me to collect aprons. Yes. I do. My second Apron was Donna's festive apron (and the anniversary of the night on which I recieved that wonderful apron- though having to choose between that and the scarf was difficult and what was amazing was when my dear friend and secret Sister Shay bought me an even more wonderful one!!), and then a few exciting Target purchases followed....and so my collection has begun.

And now my new goal is to win an apron from the Apron Queen!!! She gives away vintage aprons!!!!! I want to be her new best friend! And this week she is giving away 11!!!!!!! I KNOW!!!!!! and so I promised to post on here about her contest- all you have to do is comment on her blog and you will be entered to win an apron too! AND MAYBE IT WILL BE MAGIC!!!!!!!! I know. So go over and enter- I'm pretty excited!

Today is a splendid day. It is snowing. I know- crazy! It's autumn! I mean, we usually don't get any snow until at least after Christmas. And yet. It is snowing. And the Phillies are going to win the World series (which i keep mistakingly calling the "home series" much to my families amusement- also, my brother tricked me into thinking there were 12 innings in the "home series" and I looked very stupid and was the butt of my familie's joke as I pridefully told my sister how I always knew there were 12 innings...well, they were waiting for me to be surprised when the game ended- with the phillie's obviously winning- after 9 innings...too bad it was delayed by the rain and they revealed thier little trick to me!)

Well...
the other day I went to sit down to update you all, when I looked out the window and Nanny was taking out the garbage. 78. caneless. hunched over. lugging a huge bag of trash. across our lawn (which really isn't small). annoying!

So I figured I should list, for posterity's sake, some of the latest crazy things she's done...
She's gotten more consistently crazy (as in...it's not as come and go- the ratio of sanity to insanity has become drastically more on the side of insanity)...so here we go:

Coupons: aye aye aye...don't even get me started. We must go shopping 24-7...i'm not kidding. when she sees a coupon we must immediately go to the store or else I won't hear the end of it. But that's not the craziness that involved coupons that I mean to speak of. It's what she does with her coupons.
1st, last week I opened the fridge and next to the milk and eggs were laying a pile of coupons...I found that odd.
What I found odder was when she started pressing buttons of the T.V. She was holding her coupons and typing in buttons that would make the food magically appear..well..at least in her world it would have worked. She quit after I asked her what in the world she was doing. I laughed.
The oddest was definitely when I caught her cooking them in the microwave- a pile of coupons...in the microwave...for five minutes...why didn't I think that that would cause the food to appear? honestly- how could i have been so näive to think that that doesn't work?

So yeah.
The other things is that she's begun...um...wandering.
The other week, I was in the kitchen broiling salmon. My dad was watching tv in the living room with my grandmom. I assumed she'd gone to clean her bedroom when I went out there and it was just my dad. Then I went to call her to dinner...and um...she wasn't there. Or upstairs. or downstairs...or in the yard...uh oh.

And so we all chose a neighbor and scoured the neighborhood. I found her. coming back "from cvs"...welll...actually, she hadn't made it to cvs...since it's like miles away...and wasn't even in the direction she was going (with her purse and jacket, walking in the rain in my neighbors back yard)...ugh! we should have figured it out when we saw cars driving slowly down the road.

So my dad put bolts up at the tops of our doors...but she noticed them and pulled up a stool to open them to take out the trash.

Well...that's all i can write on this late at night
on another note, the old woman i used to watch with alzheimers got put into a nursing home...sad...but I know how hard it is and her daughter had taken care of her for a long time...it's a rough job. I always wonder how long we'll be able to do it and how bad she'll get. She plans on living another 15 years you know...ugh

Today is my grandfather's 80th birthday.
Well...i mean, it would be today, if well, you know, he was still alive. But this post is not to be all "grandpop reflective;" it is instead a post about nothing much- just wanted to comment that my grandmom did not once mention that it was his birthday today. She has forgotten.

She wrote the date on her check at CVS.

She mentioned multitudes of times that tomorrow is my birthday (we've shared a birthday for well...the last 20 years) and even bought me a card and wrote out a check for me

She had mentioned for weeks before this that her husband's birthday was coming up...and yet today she has forgotten. I'm kind of sad and kind of glad she did...

I was a little nervous she'd catch on when the guy from Peruzzi's called and left a message on the answering machine "to be one of the first to wish you a happy birthday" for my grandpop, but instead, since Peruzzi man did not mention grandpop's name, she assumed he was calling to wish me a happy birthday.

Go figure...I've got Peruzzi men, whose car I don't even own, wishing me a happy birthday. Cool!
It's not that she didn't mention my g-pop today (she mentions him everyday), but it never clicked that today was his day.

Last year at this time I was in England.

I called my grandpop from the phone in the hallway. It probably cost me 5 pounds to call him the way that those phone cards ate my minutes and my money. I'm really glad. That was the last time I heard his voice. Weird. He hadn't realized it was his birthday when he woke up because he had thought it was only the 22nd. I know how it is to forget which day of the week it is...that's why I missed a Spanish assignment last week. My grandmom took the phone to talk to me and yabbered endlessly about how her garden this and dinner that and blah blah blah...but then my grandpop took the phone back with his usual "dear..." and "she probably has to get going- it's long distance" and then I wished him a happy birthday and he wished me a happy birthday and then I said I love you and he said I love you and I would see him in a few months...little did I know...little did I know.

But I knew. I knew. In the back of my head I had that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach as I walked down the steps and sat on the leather couches in the living room of Flat 10. I knew. I knew my grandmom was going crazy...we'd seen it already the summer before when she started saying things like "is Jeremiah (my brother) Owen's (my father's) son?" (how funny it is that having to answer that question is so normal to me now, whereas, when she said that at this time last year, I felt sick to my stomach). I knew something was going to happen. But I kind of rubbed it off as you always feel that way when you go away...but something (some many many things) were going to happen.

And then I really knew...I really really knew something was wrong when I got my grandmom's birthday card in the mail. My grandmom always had beautiful cursive handwriting ( i mean, she's German- obviously it must be perfect). The chicken scratch I recieved in the mail was not her handwriting "Tiffie (below a scribbled out "Debbie")" and some ramblings about my call and coming home...it scared me...I remember clearly, being so excited to get mail, and then holding my card as I walked back into one of Ed Major's classes, shaking a little.

It's strange this was all a year ago. Life was different a year ago. There were marzipan cows and pigs and sheep on a blueberry cake a year ago. A carefree fall day in England...a year ago. Coffee with my friend English Hannah and a day of yarn shopping and getting a cute green top a year ago. A surprise party with all of my girlies a year ago. A magic apron...a year ago. And now...I don't know. I'm not sad or depressed that that isn't my life anymore. That was a season. This is a season. A time to laugh. A time to cry.

Tomorrow, I won't wish for things to be how they always were. I don't want them to be. I'm thankful for every single aspect of this last year. Even the horrible, scary, utterly painful parts of it. I'm thankful for who this year has made me to be...and who God has shown me He is. I wouldn't give it up for all of the yum yums or kinder buenos or marzipan animals York has to offer...

So...I better go figure out what to do with my last fifteen minutes of being a teenager...hmmmmmmmmmm...bye!

I'm going to write my persuasive speech in my speech class on why not to go to college...just kidding. But honestly...I am the worst student ever and wish someone would have talked me out of taking four online classes.

I can't even keep track of the days of the week, much less keep track of my classes...honestly. I have missed 3 spanish assignments, one because I didn't realize what day of the week it was and the other two-...welll...I can't figure out why I didn't see them. Story of my life.

Then I was going through my life thinking that the 22nd of September is Wednesday...and then the other day it hits me- OH NO! the 22nd is Monday which means I only have a few days to figure out this Guy Fawkes speech (what what represent England!)...it really stinks because I wish I had more time because this whole Gunpowder plot and history of it is really interesting and I'm trying how to figure out how to make it interesting for my audience too...I might just be a wierd person who thinks it's really cool that after 403 years the English are still burning a dummy of a guy who they caught before he blew up parliament (but the best part is that they hung him- they didn't even burn him!) and that they have a whole holiday commemorating...I mean...I have to explain why they "remember remember the fifth of November"!!!

Math is absolutely my favorite class because there's no stress- math is math. 2+2= 4 all the time!!!!

Ugh...I should have just got an evening job at Starbucks so that I would have health benefits instead of this whole college business- whose idea was this anyway?

All right...I mean, I'm spoiled to live in a country where I can get an education and everything so I shouldn't be complaining...I'm just getting used to this whole "back to school" thing after a year of "carefreeness"- if you could call it that.

Speaking of Nanny (which is the "carefreeness" i was referring to), ugh...that's the hardest part of these online classes- I'm always in the middle of trying to finally grasp some Psych concept when she starts freaking out that we don't have moisterizer or what are we going to make for dinner on Thursday three weeks from now- because obviously there's nothing in the freezer to choose from (well...other than the whole chicken, five pork roasts, 3 pork chops, chuck roast, split chicken breast, or stewing meat!!!!! honestly!!!!) and we have to know right now when I have a effective speaking quiz due in 5 minutes!!!)-

besides all this- the Germans came back yesterday after thier time in myrtle beach- so i had to clean everything up again- goodness- but they crack us up so it was all good (wow...i sound as ghetto as my brother)- and we really enjoyed thier company, but it's nice to have my room back finally be able to settle down and try to get organized.

So...I really should actually be doing my speech right now so...um...bye (which is not the way you end a speech....i think i've learned that from experience though- story of my life!)

Our time with the Germans was well spent. They left yesterday but will return next week (they're visiting my aunt in myrtle beach). It was exhausting and I really don't think I have the gift of hospitality- it sure wipes you. We literally never have company so for people from an entirely other culture and way of life to come and live in our house amidst the screaming children, well, it was different.

These Germans were SOOOO polite that it almost drove me crazy. I mean, they would wake up and actually wait for us all to sit down and eat no matter what. I was like...what? And we were walking up the steps of the Walnut Street Theater in Philadelphia and my grandmom was literally slowing down the entire line of people, but the Germans would not pass her to get up quicker. I was like, goodness, i cannot walk this slow, and I passed them all. They also really aren't into asking us about our personal lives. I'm so used to people asking me what I like to do or where I go to school or what I want to be- and they really wouldn't ask about that at all. It was sooo wierd. They understand personal space and don't want to intrude. And they kind of just would ask about American history or culture or things like that, but never about us as people- only us as Americans. It was different and it was hard to read them sometimes. BUt they were hilarious making fun of each other and laughing and talking in German and so it was good times.

We took them to Philadelphia and then the next day they were just dying to see the Amish. Honestly, these famous Amish- it's sooo funny how people are always asking about them. So they did a day out there on thier own (i had a ton of schoolwork to catch up on).

So I realized that in this last year alone I have experienced sooo many different cultures- it's crazy. I mean, first I went to Africa last summer, then England (where a few different cultures were represented), then Czech Republic, and now these Germans. I love it!

all right
i have a ton of school work to do
adios
tif

Literally, any minute now (wait! did I hear them?...no, just the neighbor's friend speeding down the road in his jeep) my grandmom's brother (Heinz- 70ish) and his sons (Thomas- pronounced toe-mas and Harold) are coming to visit.

The only problem is...um...my grandmom thinks her brother Heinz died...aye aye aye...i know. So we're all a little nervous and we've been cleaning nonstop for like weeks and our house has never been so clean. We don't have people stay with us. Ever. And so this is something new and wierd. My grandmom and I are moving upstairs to my family's part of the house and my uncle will stay in my room and his sons in my grandmom's. My mom hasn't seen her cousins in 40 years. Crazy, huh?

So hopefully when my grandmom sees her brother it will click that he's alive and well. And hopefully tomorrow we will survive touring philadelphia and new york.
It'll be fun...i think.

So Aufwiedersehn for now
(Oh, is that them? no...just the mail lady...)

There's something amazing about getting a new journal. I finally finished my one I bought before Speaker's Week in England and I was just dying to get a new one. That journal is filled with pages of some of the most painful moments of my life. Also some of the happiest. Some of the hardest. Some of the most cherished. I have three pages of Czech words written in Magdalena's handwriting telling me how to say everything from Jesus (pronounced Yezeesh) to Rasberry Fanta (Fanta Malinova) to Crime Scene Investigation (Tym Pro Zajistovani)- i know...random.
I have recipes copied from Andrea's cookbook when I was babysitting on Wednesday Nights for Maya and James. I have notes from every morning devotions and Sunday Morning study from Bible College and from College and Career and Sunday and Wednesdays since I've been home... and I have prayers that I've written of pouring out my heart before the Lord in praise and pouring out my heart in mourning and weeping and hurting and repenting.

I can follow throughout my journal the ups and downs of my prayer life. The failures. The victories. The faithlessness of my own heart. And the faithfulness of our Amazing God.

And strewn throughout are verse after verse of scriptures that got me through it all. And so here I will type many of them and send them out into cyberspace...His word never returns void. (now it's time for some Women's Discipleship recitation, eh??? Where's my good friend Brooklynn when you need her?)

Who art thou O Great Mountain, before Zerubabel you shall become a plain: and he shall bring forth the headstone thereof with shouting, crying, 'Grace, Grace, unto it' - Zechariah 4:7

Who have I in heaven, but Thee? And there is none on earth I desire beside Thee. My flesh and my heart faileth; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For, lo, they that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from Thee. But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all Thy works. -Psalm 73:25-28

I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go, I will guide thee with Mine eye. Be ye not as the horse or as the mule which hath no understanding, whose mouth must be held in with bit and bridle, lest they come near unto Thee. Psalm 32:8-9

The Lord bless thee, and keep thee: the Lord make His face to shine upon Thee, and be gracious to thee: the Lord lift up His countenance upon thee, and give thee peace. ANd they shall put My name upon the children of Israel and I will bless them. - Numbers 6:24-27

And He said, 'I am God, the God of thy Father, fear not to go down into Egypt, for there I will make of thee a great nation. And I will surely bring thee up again.' Genesis 46:3-4 (the significance of these verses for me was that God sent them Jacob and his family down into Egypt...and there they become slaves and suffered more than like any other nation...but God promised that He would bring them up again. It was all in His hand.)

She obeyed not the voice. She recieved not correction. She trusted not in the LORD. She drew not near to her God. Zech 3:2 (This verse is what I pray against for myself- my greatest fear would for this to be said of my life.)

And the LORD said unto Joshua, 'This day have I rolled the reproach of Egypt from off you.' -Josh. 5:9

Why have I found gracde in thine eyes that thou shouldest take knowlege of me, seeing I am a stranger?- Ruth 2:10

I waited patiently for the Lord and He inclined unto me and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay and set my feet upon a rock and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it and fear and shall trust in the Lord. Psalm 40: 1-3

Seek ye the Lord while He may be found, call upon Him while He is near: Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the Lord and the Lord will have mercy on him, and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher thanthe earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.- Isaiah 55:6-9

And the king (David) said, "What have I to do with you, ye Sons of Zeriah? So let him curse because the LORD hath said unto him, 'Curse David,' who shall then say, 'Wherefore hast thou done so?' " 2 Samuel 16:10
( I love this verse because David is totally succumbed to the will of the Lord, not trying to defend himself because God's will is most important to him no matter what cost to himself or his name. He doesn't even question the Lord's will in it)

And in the eleventh year, int he month Bul, which is the eight month, was the house [the temple] finished throughout all the parts thereof and according to all the fashion of it.So was [Solomon] seven years in builiding it. But Solomon was building His own house thirteen years, and he finished all his house.- 1 Kings 6:30-7:1

And now, little children, abide in Him, that, when He shall appear, we may have confidence, and not be ashamed before Him at His coming. If ye know that He is righteous, ye know that everyone that doeth righteousness is born of Him. -1 John 2:28-29

And they shall call them, the holy people, the redeemed of the LORD: and thou shalt be called, Sought Out, a city not forsaken.- Isaiah 62:12

Ah, Lord, God! Behold thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for Thee: ~Jeremiah 32:12

I will very glady spend and be spent for you, though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved. -2 Cor. 12:15

And Asa cried unto the Lord his God, and said, 'Lord, it is nothing with Thee to help, whether with many or with them that have no power; help us, O LORD our God, and we rest on Thee, and in Thy name we go against this multitude. O Lord, thou art God, let now man prevail against Thee' -2 Chronicles 14:11


Be ye strong, therefore, and let not your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded. -
2 Chronicles 15:7

And for this cause [God's name to be glorified] Hezekiah the king, and the prophet Isaiah the son of Amoz, prayerd and cried unto heaven. -2 Chronicles 32:2

For thus saith the Lord God, 'Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep and seek them out.' Ezekiel 34:11

O LORD, we have waited for You, the desire of our soul is for Your Name and for the remembrance of You. -Isaiah 26:8

Then the moon will be disgraced and the sun ashamed for the LORD God of hosts will reign on Mount Zion and in Jerusalem before His elders gloriously.- Isaiah 24:23

Then I said, 'I will not make mention of Him, nor speak anymore in His name.' But His word was in my heart like a burning fire shut up in my bones; I was weary of holding it back and could not. - Jeremiah 20:9

My peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you: Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.- John 14:27


Wherefore, seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud fo witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily, beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him that endured such contradction of sinners against himself, lest yet be wearied and faint in your minds. Ye have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin. - Hebrews 12:1-4


also...here are the lyrics which I repeatedly copied in my journal for the last year...

When I look into Your eyes, I see the love that died for me
When I look into Your eyes, I see the hope that I will be, a faithful child.

Following close behind
Following ever blinded to to, the things that should not move me.
I say unto my soul:
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus

When I look into Your eyes, I see the grief when I have sinned
When I look into Your eyes, I find delight when I have been a faithful child



I love that song...

Is it wrong to laugh in the E.R.??? I always wonder that after I've let out a long, hearty (and always loud...my laugh is never not!) one. I mean, my mom and I love the free nestle machines...and Take 5's...mmmmm...I enjoyed a latte and a mocha this evening...and I even introduced a new-bee to the ways of the E.R. waiting room to the pleasures within. I mean, let's share the freedom (get it...pun on the free...hahahahah) of the delicious hot cocoa and coffee!

Alas...somehow I always end up at the hospital or in some other lame predicament after a really good day or weekend or something. I think it's because God gives us what we can handle, and He's also so faithful to provide a fresh filling or a fresh blessing or a fresh reminder of His goodness and power and strength...and then we do this crazy thing where we say, "God, I trust you with my life and do what you will..." which is often followed by Him doing what He will...and His ways are sooo much higher and His thoughts are above Mine own...Thank God (literally!)

So I had the most amazing Tues- Wednesday down at the shore (Jersey!! woo hoo!) with my friend Julianne visiting one of our wonderful woman mentors, Mrs. Teichman, aka Regis's mom...which is really funny because i was friends with Regis's mom before I was friends with Regis. They have a trailer down the shore and we spent the night/day/night fellowshipping with believers from Calvary Chapel Southern Ocean County (which was recently had a pastoral change to- guess who? Mark, a pastor from Calvary York!)and chilling on the beach (or burning on the beach...whichever) and learning to surf (i know- could you ever picture me even trying that...trying was definitely the word...or drowning...whichever! -I'm feeling a little unabsolutist today with my "whichevers") and being totally blessed in the Word and in prayer and in food and in fellowship (we went to a fellowship at one family's home who run a Surf Camp every summer as a ministry- they're the ones who taught us how to surf. They have a Wednesday Night Bible Study which is led by none other than Chad Reeves, my CCBCY peer...and it is such a totally blessed fellowship).

And so coming home, God really gave me new energy to keep going. And boy do I always need it.

So today my grandmom fell in her bedroom (tripped over the carpet) and so after awhile she was in a lot of pain. My mom and I decided to take her up to the E.R. to get her checked out. They think that her rotary cuff may be torn and we'll find out from the orthopedic doctor with a follow up. You always just end up having to wait 5 hours to find that all out... I know...ha!

So they sent her home in a corset wrap sling thing (like, it velcroes around her waist and then velcroes her arm in place there). I'm thankful it was her left arm and not her right. I was just thinking about how thankful I was that my grandmom was basically physically in 100% better shape than she was in January when she came home. When she first got home we had to help her do absolutely everything and we had a neighbor who was a nurse who helped us bathe her in bed and everything. And literally she went from being in absolute agony, not able to move without being carried into a wheelchair to now being basically almost off a cane...well, she was till she went and tripped and hurt her arm! I was all excited about her being able to do her own poop test (well...for the most part-ha!), and now she's in pain all over the place...back to dressing her and helping her in the bathroom.

I just look back and God gave me just such an amazing amount of grace to be able to have the stomach to do so much of what I had to do in January, February, March, because literally, I have the weakest stomach on earth and poopy diapers gross me out and smells make me literally gag at the thought of them...and now the Lord is giving me a different amount of grace in the form of love for my grandmom even when my stomach is weak and it grosses me out...It really was not hard to do what I was doing in the beginning...now it's different, and I'm scared, but I just thank God that He gave me Tues- Weds away to get new strength for what lays ahead, whatever that is...

Oh, and P.S.
In the hospital they always ask the elderly if they live alone. Well, there she is crying to them about how she's all alone...and we are like- No you aren't!!!! She's got nine other people living with her! Goodness...I have to admit that I was annoyed, but my mom and I were also cracking up...I'm sure the whole hospital staff thought we were inconsiderate and abusive laughing at a little old lady lying with a neck brace and sling laying in a hospital bed...
oh she's so deceptive with her sweetness- ha!!!!



Rom 5:1-8
Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
And not only [so], but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.


Colossians 1:10-11
That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God;
Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness;

James 1:2-4
My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;
Knowing [this], that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
But let patience have [her] perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

So for a second I thought I had this grand revelation that a consolation for all of these doctors visits I've been to with my grandmom these past few months might pay off when I am 50+ and looking for a specialist for cataracts or my gastro-intestinal disorder i am sure I will have, but then I realized all of my grandmom's doctors are 50+ themselves and so in thirty years I probably won't want to have an 80 year old doctor who will be too blind to see me and will probably have dementia themselves and think that they are the president or something.
stink.
Stay tuned for my next attempt at trying to look on the bright side. :)

My grandmom loves chocolate. That's one of the things I came to discover when I moved down with her. First off, we quickly discovered a hoard of chocolate in her closet in her room. My grandpop was a diabetic, so he certainly wasn't going to be helping her to eat all of it. And that hoard of chocolate disappeared a lot faster than you would expect chocolate to disappear from a 78 year old woman's closet, without the help of the seven grandkids.

"Discipleship usually brings us into the necessity of choice between duty and desire"

I think I must be a really big nerd. I'm the kind of kid who absolutely hated and thought research papers were unfair in highschool (who knows what I thought was unfair about them!). But I am also the kind of kid who would always think of something and think what a neat research paper that would be. Maybe I just hate being limited. The confines of an unassignment suppress my creative juices. Or maybe I'm just a rebel at heart.
Maybe I would actually like college when I finally go there. Picking a major. Getting to study something I actually like. Who knows what that is going to end up being!

Lately I've thought about some of my grandmom's personality quirks that give me huge knots in the back or my neck. We're just about polar opposites ineverything. She is a perfectionist. I am the furthest thing from a perfectionist. She survives by cleaning incessantly. Now don't get me wrong, I am ALL about clean, but I will never ever be the kind of person who can spend an entire day cleaning, because with her, it's never clean enough. She is a bit on the miserly side, whereas money burns in my pocket and I've never had more than a 1000 dollars in my bank account at a time, and when there was that much, it didn't really exist because I was going to be writing a check out with it for some missions trip I was going on.

And I look at my grandmom's life. And I just wonder why she's gotten meaner in her old age. I notice that with a lot of old people. Is it because of thier aches and pains (i mean, I know I am pretty crabby when I'm not tip-top)? Is it because they've lost so many people they love? Is it because they know that they only have so many years left? Because if I knew I only had so many years left that I imagine that I would want to show everyone around me how much I loved them instead of complaining about them all the time.

Grumbling and Complaining. If I were writing a research paper on old people there would be a an entire Roman Numeral on this. Now I know why God's will is for us to not grumble and complain, because it's very unattractive- i know, i am very good at it. I don't know how my dad takes the complaining from her about him. I mean, she's his mother in law and he would stay up at the hospital basically having to lie on top of her so that she wouldn't run away until 3 in the morning for weeks and then get up for work at 6, and she has the nerve to complain about him to whoever she talks on the phone to. I guess some things in life are just unexplainable.

The funny thing is my grandmom's being pretty back to normal lately. And we realized that when she started complaining about everyone. When she was sick she was "happy nanny." We had this very strange week when she first got home from the hospital when she was happy and nice and generous all the time.

Another thing I would like to research is generosity and happiness in old people. I know that the elderly of this generation lived through a lot of hard times- depression, war, recessions, inflation, stagflation... and so you see a lot of miserly amongst the old people, and I have to wonder why the words "miserly" and "miserable" look a lot alike. My grandmom has money, and I don't need or want her money, but you do feel more loved when your grandmom gives you money for your birthday and then doesn't whine and complain on the phone to relatives about giving it to you- I mean, it's not like she has to, you know?

Now my other grandmom, she and my grandpop are very generous. They also live in a dirty trailor. But I know always know that she loves me and begs my dad to come over before I go on a missions trip so she can give me twenty bucks or something. Sometimes the twenty she gives out of her little means so much more than the fifty my other grandmom gives out of her increase- you know? I guess the story of the widow's mites is an example of that.

And so I guess I have reached the point in the grieving process where I begin to have "flashbacks."
Grieving is just so wierd. Death is just so wierd. I realize more and more how we just weren't meant for it. period. There's no way to process it in our heads. There's no way that seems right to handle death. Knowing that I will see my pop-pop again is such a happy thing while missing him and thinking about him now being here is such a horribly sad thing.

But in the grieving process you go through the initial "shock" where it takes you a little while to register that this is actually reality because you at first can't believe it because death seems so unreal. Death happens to everyone else, not me, right?
Then you are numb, but go through "waves" of understanding when it hits you that "he really is dead."
Then you go into preparing for the funeral mode. Just keep moving. You all of a sudden just handle it. I looked through hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of pictures putting together my grandpop's video and was somehow able to disconnect myself from it. I guess that's the word for this stage..."disconnecting."
Then comes the actual funeral where you hurry up and make yourself look nice, kind of feel guilty for enjoying being dressed up for a change because, i mean, come on, it's your grandpop's funeral and you are worried about putting your eye liner on, then you hurry because you are going to be late for the recieving line since there will no one for anyone to say they're "sorry" to if you aren't actually there with the widow and family. Then you feel really awkward as people tell you they are sorry, and what are you supposed to say "i forgive you"? You don't cry much because you are still in "disconnected mode" but certain relatives or friends of the family might make you well up thinking about how they had known your grandpop and they were grieving too. You listen to the service and eulogy but a lot doesn't register because everything is still to close which is why in a few weeks or months you may watch the video or listen to the cd of the funeral service.
Then you go back to the house for coffee and food and are too hungry to feel guilty for enjoying food at your grandpop's funeral because you skipped breakfast in the rush of the day and, well, it's catered. My grandpop would understand. He enjoyed food just as much as I did. You spend this time getting compliments on your decor of your home from people who had not been there prior and laughing with family and trying to make sure no one notices the room that is overflowing with pictures from the video you had just finished at 9:55 this morning after being up until 2 the night before and just hadn't had time to clean up since the funeral was at 10.
Then comes the empty house. Everyone left, family from out of town went home, the flowers estop coming to the door every few minutes, and things slow down. Then comes the stage of "depression." There is just something so depressing about the day after a funeral. It was like everything had been so climactic and then...just dropped. Now reality of him never coming home had not hit yet, but the reality that you just go to the hospital and see him has. That we have all this extra time in our hands that we don't know what to do with begins to hit. And you are just basically sad.
Then comes the next few weeks. For the first few days you are kind of sad when you think of the house without him there. Then you begin to become almost more detached because life does not revolve around the funeral or around the hospital. You don't "forget," but you kind of just don't think about him as much and begin enjoying family and friends and life again. You almost feel guilty, but know that you don't need to. Sitting around crying about him won't bring him back, and grandpop always enjoyed life. You begin to clean out his stuff, realizing this man's wardrobe was 10x the size of your own and that he had always bought himself anything he ever wanted. And none of it could go with him when he died.

Then comes the flashback stage.
That is the stage I have hit.
The kids are back to school. My parents are back to work. It's just me and grandmom again.
And the other day I was working in the yard and starting to dig up her flowerbeds and rake them, when it hit me that this was what my grandpop would be doing for her if he was here and I got really sad.
It suddenly was final to me. He wasn't coming back. This is our new life. Without pop-pop. He isn't going to open the pool this year. He isn't going to roter till the garden. He isn't going to mow the lawn. He isn't going to eat cream puff cake out by the pool. He isn't going to drive his car. He isn't going to go on the trip he was planning to Florida. We aren't going to rent a moter home and travel across country. He isn't going to celebrate my 20th and his 80th birthday. He'll never be at my wedding. He'll never hold my children. He'll never see Jeremiah graduate highschool (if he ever does!). He'll never take a prom picture with Hailey. He'll never meet our stupid new dog.
It was this wierd finalizing revelation.

And so I sit in his old office. We moved his desk out. We took his stupid Looney Toon pictures off the wall. We cleared his sport jackets out of the closet. We ripped off the wall paper. And I painted the room yellow.

Yes, I'm moving down with my grandmom. Not that I haven't lived down here for the past three months, but now it is final. We're turning the office into my room. No more sharing the bed with Nanie. And I kind of started getting depressed. Not that I was sad I would no longer be sharing a bed with a 78 year old woman, but because moving down here meant he really wasn't coming home. I had thought for so long that this would be temporary, only till Poppy gets home. Then it turned to probably taking care of both of them, but still, when Poppy gets home. But now, Poppy is not coming home. He's never coming home.

Grieving. The strangest thing I've experienced yet. I hope I never have to get used to it.

They are taking out the tube tomorrow at 12 noon.

So, I've been reading the book of 1 Kings lately and since my thoughts have been occupied on life and death and eternity lately, I realized something. A king. Someone people will leave and die for. Someone people will bow down to and someone people will die fighting. Someone people will revere and esteem. Someone who was daily the topic of conversation for thousands and hundreds of thousands and millions who were under thier rule. Someone who was so important to the world for a time, is now a few sentences on a page that most people just skim over. At most there is 30-60 pages documenting thier life, but that is an exception to the rest whose lives can be summed up in "and he did evil in the sight of the Lord."
It makes eternity more important. Because if people who are that great for a period are really not that important in light of the rest of history, how not important am I? I mean, my life is going to touch people and does effect people, but it's not about trying to be remembered, because I basically won't be, no matter if I am President of the United States or just a girl who takes care of her grandmother. In a few generations, I'll probably be the topic of discussion around the dining room table of my great grandkids at my own children's death as they discuss the heirlooms passed down by "looney Grandmom Tiffany."
And so, it's what lasts in eternity that matters. Life is not about me. Life is not about who likes me and who doesn't or how cool (or not cool!) I was in highschool and about how prosperous I am in thirty years.

So. I saw my first dead man this afternoon.
In the ventilator rehab hospital my grandfather has been in since January, he rooms with two other men. So far, out of his roomates that he has had in the last two months, three have died. Today, I saw one of them.

He was a large fat man. He was new to the rehab. Richard, the old neighbor, had been moved to a private room to make room for this fat man in our room. He needed an extra large bed to fit his body. He was not even weaning off the ventilator. He didn't look good to begin with.

And so, when we came in to visit my grandpop today, the curtain was surrounding the bed of "fat man." We didn't really think about it...we thougth they were working on him, changing the linens and stuff. They left the curtain around when the nurse left the room. My mom, who keeps comparing my pop pop to all the other patients in the hospital as how well he is doing, was going to sneak and check around the curtain while the nurse was out to see how his numbers were. My dad yelled at her. Curtain means privacy.

Good thing my mom didn't look because she would have been a little surprised at how "well" the fat man was doing. After the nurse informed us of "fat man's" death, I had to peak around the curtain...I mean, I never had seen a dead man. I didn't get a good look, but, I could tell he was dead. It was wierd and strange to think that life goes that fast. I mean, just yesterday, he was alive and thrashing. Today, today...today was the beginning of his eternity. Life is but a vapor.

And so, when they brought the stretcher we high-taled it out of there, but not before commenting that the stretcher and body bag that they had brought for the man would not suffice the massive size of "fat man." I guess they didn't find it as amusing as we did.

Now you all are going to think that my family is unempathetic, unfeeling, morbid freaks. Well, maybe you are right, but...sometimes laughter is just good for you. And sometimes it's not. But sometimes, you just can't get through things without laughing. Some things are just that hard, I guess.

My mom hates my aunts. With a fervor. My grandpop just looks so good. His numbers are just great. He is weaning so well. All she wants is more time. But I guess there is nothing we can do about it.

But pray. Pray for a miracle. His doctor doesn't believe in miracles. He says they only happen on tv. But we know he is wrong. My grandmom is a miracle. We could never imagine brining her home from the hospital and not having to give her sponge baths. Today, she just went and got herself a shower. I did not have to do one thing. Our neighbor who is a nurse never even expected her to walk with a walker again. She should see her now. She's almost to a cane. It's crazy.
She's our miracle.
Seeing her walk into church a month ago, people called a miracle after hearing about the months she had spent in the hospital after heart attacks, being resusitated, having to be held down in her hospital bed or she'd run away, a broken pelvis, and fighting pneomonia, just to name a few....she is our miracle.

http://www.recollect.me.uk

this made me cry. click on "recollect motion"

The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: but the word of our God shall stand for ever. Isaiah 40:8

Vanity.
Everything old people do seems to contradict. Such as, my grandmother walking around and barely noticing the enormous amount of hair that has been growing off of her chin and upper lip for the past four months, yet, before we could even imagine stepping out of the house to go to the doctors, we must make sure she puts lipstick on...I mean, honestly.

She's a woman. I guess that's just the way we are. No matter how old, we will continue to try to enhance our looks and cover up our imperfections. Hopefully, I'll be blind enough not to notice how ridiculous I look, and senile enough not to care when I'm 78. Like my grandmom.

On Monday, she will be seventy-eight. She lived through Nazi occupied Germany, has seen all but one of her brothers die, birthed three beautiful daughters, passed her US citizenship test, became a great grandmother, lived to see not only a man walk on the moon, but also has seen a whole turn of a century...and now...she has had her face waxed (for which we are all thankful)

When I am old, I want to be beautiful. Not because I had a face lift. Not because I am still as thin as I was when I was a teenager (which right now isn't all that thin!). Not because I wear Light Pink Lipstick. But because I lived life to the full, and you can see it in my laugh lined, and sun wrinkled face. Because I loved and served, and you can see it in my bony, wrinkled hands that washed a million dishes and grew a thousand tomatoes and scrubbed miles of floor. Because I prayed and fought a spiritual battle, and you can see it on my calloused, arthritic knees.
That, to me, is a beautiful woman.

"Who art thou, O great mountain, before Zerubabbell you shall become a plain, and he shall bring forth the headstone thereof with shoutings, crying, 'Grace, grace unto it' " Zechariah 4:7

Fecal- derived from the latin "faeces" meaning "dregs" definied as "the most undesirable part"...we get the word "feces" from it...
Immunochemical- Describing the chemistry of antigens, antibodies, and their relation to each other.
Kit-A set of articles or implements used for a specific purpose.
___________________________________________________________________

Fecal Immunochemical Kit- fancy name for A little envelope containing a child's blue paintbrush, little waste bags, a "test card," and a return envelope...in which I am supposed to supply a sample of my grandmom's poo poo. Yes. My job for this week is to rub the brush across my grandmom's poop and wipe it on a little card, throw it in an envelope, stamp it, and mail it to some doctor for testing. Poor mail carrier who doesn't know what I am putting into thier hands.

I do this because I love my grandmom. This is my new life. Three months ago I was tromping around England, drinking tea, and being a regular old college student. Now, I spend my days trying to convince my grandmother that my father is her son-in-law, and not the president, and my mother, her daughter, is not "the boss's wife" (sometimes our house is Pizza Hut...confusing, I know).

It really isn't that bad, and for the most part entertaining. My days can be exciting, filled with physical therapists who sell me girl scout cookies, to driving my grandmother around the block at night so that we can trick her into thinking we took her "home" (she's lived in the house for fifty years and thinks that we are tricking her by taking everything from her house and putting it in this other house- I know, we are sly, aren't we?)

After four months of Bible College in England, I knew that I was supposed to come home and serve my family, applying everything I had learned. My family had already been dealing with not only the deterioration of my grandmother's mind (she has dementia and a low sodium condition for which she was hospitalized for two months- but that is a whole nother story), but with her husband, my grandfather, being hospitalized since November after a heart attack, triple bypass surgery, and then a mulititude of complications that left him on a breathing tube and sedated until January. He is only now beginning to recover. So I know that my place for now is at home, showing the love of Jesus there, which isn't always easy, but it's been a learning and growing experience already, so we'll see if by the end of this season of my life I am a mature adult, or if I end up being driven crazy and living in a mad house...right now the latter is more probable, but we'll see!