A Life After Death

Any way- last week was too emotional and therefore I just have not felt like updating, but later I guess I'll get around to updating- I'll just leave you with my grandmom is alive and in Manor Care rehab and we're taking it a day at a time, but I don't cry anymore, okay?

Anyway, I took the morning and it's lovely rain and my finally getting to a grocery store to make this cake that I have been thinking about making for like ten hundred years-

(source)

If it counts for anything- the batter tastes incredible, and the final product is cooling and looks lovely

Music has been an awesome comfort lately and a song a friend shared recently has been resonating with this whole experience:
"Aslan"
Don't stop your crying on my account
A frightening lion, no doubt
He's not safe, no he's not safe
Are you tempted now to run away?
The King above all Kings is coming down

But He won't say the words you wish that he would
Oh, he don't do the deeds you know that He could
He won't think the thoughts you think He should
But He is good, He is good

I know you're thirsty, the water is free
But I should warn you, it costs everything
Well, He's not fair, no He's not fair
When He fixes what's beyond repair
And graces everyone that don't deserve

No one knows Him whom eyes never seen
No, I don't know Him but He knows me
He knows me, He knows me

Lay down your layers, shed off your skin
But without His incision, you can't enter in
He cuts deep, yeah He cuts deep
When the risk is great and the talk is cheap
But never leaves a wounded one behind
-Kendall Payne

I basically had an emotional breakdown at the hospital today. I think I'm losing my mind...yikes! I cannot even tell you what it really was about. Basically, if I didn't mention, my grandmom got moved out of ICU finally on Tuesday night and has been on a telemetry (monitoring) floor since then. Anyway, I found out that her primary doctor discharged her last night (not 24 hours since she'd been out of ICU) and that I needed to pick a nursing home for her to get transported to today.

um, so anyway, needless to say, I started balling my eyes out. Actually, it isn't needless to say, because I don't think normal people cry when you tell them their grandmother is getting out of the hospital.

But honestly, I just wasn't ready to have to deal with nursing homes already. I think I was traumatized by our last experience and they idea made me so stressed and emotional and I'm just so exhausted (even though I sleep all the time) that I just cracked. Thank goodness my grandmom has a private room because I think they might have locked me up if anyone saw me crying.

SO anyway, I called my mom and she and I realized they cannot discharge her without speaking to her ortho and cardiologist and them giving the go ahead. So I talked to the nurse and she agreed and I actually had to leave for Coatesville in the middle of all this. But I got a call when I was at the Dollar Store buying glow bracelets for our kids (our verse was "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path", cute huh?), the social worker from the hospital called and said they were not discharging her today (thank God!)

So she'll probably be out tomorrow or something, but I honestly could just not deal with it today. I woke up super depressed for some reason and could not shake it, but things got better after my emotional breakdown and going to Coatesville always helps and I love praying on the way up and having fellowship and serving the Lord with everything He gives me (because honestly, I literally was so fried I had nothing to offer those kids today)...

That's probably why something happens every Thursday...two week ago I locked myself out of my car like three minutes because I had to leave for Coatesville, then last week my grandmom had to go to the ER for this whole femur deal, and now this week emotional breakdown- God needs to show me that I'm weak every Thursday so His strength can be made complete. He's good. He's so good.

Anyway- please pray for wisdom with choosing a new nursing home for rehab and please pray for strength and just peace, I need it so much.

Also, please pray for Coatesville, one of our kids died last night in a car accident (well, he stole a car and crashed it when he was being chased by the cops), his name was Rasheem, but they all called him Mooch. I didn't know him, but he was related to some of our afternoon kid's club kids...that city needs Jesus so badly.

Sorry about how confusing that last post is- I'm sure it makes no sense to any of you, but as much as this is a blog to update everyone about my and my Grandmom's lives, it really is an online journal of sorts- I look back on these entries more than anyone else, trying to recall things, and looking at what God has done in my own life these last couple years.

So anyway, basically, something happened to my Grandmom at the nursing home between Monday night and Tuesday morning and we don't know what it was, but it was bad enough that she needed 3/4 of her femur replaced and her hip re-put back in. And honestly, I've realized something about myself. I think I am one of those people if I ever was abused or raped or something, would actually blame myself, or make excuses for my abuser. I always thought it didn't make sense for people to do that, but I honestly just am quick to trust people and believe their word.

But honestly, everyone can't be trusted. There are cruel people in this world. And there are people who maybe aren't necessarily cruel, but care more about themselves and covering their butts than that a little 80 year old woman is lying in a bed for 48 hours with a broken femur. That is just wrong.

But I kept making excuses for the nursing home yesterday. My mom was so upset and annoyed and frustrated and angry. She wanted to go right up to the nursing home and scream at them for allowing this to happen and be covered up. But in the back of my mind, I really thought it must have been something my grandmom did to herself, or that happened at the hospital.

But when her ortho doctor spoke with us today and told us how bad of a brake it was and how he really didn't know if she'd survive this operation and how painful this was going to be for my grandmother and the length of rehab...I finally was mad.

I was mad because they betrayed my trust. I really thought they were my friends at the nursing home- my blog does not lie and you can look two posts before this at how happy I was and settled. And there are good people at the nursing home- I really believe her therapists did not know and were given some story about the abductor pillow from someone who was trying to cover it up. But there are also some lying, deceitful, hurtful, selfish, awful people there who only care about themselves. And it makes me sick.

I've honestly been so nauseous today over it. That someone could do that. That people would truly lie to me like that. It's awful!

But honestly, I've definitely learned to appreciate the scriptures that speak of enemies (since I've really never had any before this) and that speaks of betrayal and how the Lord is the God who will bring justice on the last day, and He is our avenger...I never really needed God to "avenge" me before. And I'm so thankful to learn to need God in a new way- a new aspect of God's incredible personality to know and love. I'm so glad He is my avenger- because He is the God who sees (El Roi) and one day those who hurt my grandmom will stand before the God of the Universe with no excuse, and oh I do pray that they would have the blood of Jesus Christ to cover their sins, because I would hate to stand before God, having harmed His precious daughter on that day and not have my sins cleansed white as snow and my name written in the Lamb's book of life...

And honestly, I am exhausted- a. because I really believed my grandmother was going to die today and b. because this betrayal I can literally feel all the way into my bones. It just hurt so much. It hurts that I cannot go there again and see the people who I did and still do trust like Sally and Mary and Marie and both of the Johns, and even the residents who I now worry about like Maureen and Art and Joe and Theresa...I'm sad. I'm really sad because I loved seeing them everyday and I really cared about them.

well anyway- if I didn't write this yet, my Grandmom is alive! ha- she's in the ICU for the night and needs some more blood so she was pretty pale and sleeping when we saw her, but after 3 and 1/2 hours of surgery who wouldn't be? So we'll see- we've got a long road ahead, but I follow a faithful and Good Shepherd who will never leave or forsake me. I'm just so glad! It's good to know my grandmom is not alone in the hospital...

anyway, the David knows betrayal that is so much deeper than I'd ever know, and He did not know betrayal as deep as my precious Lord has known, but I'll leave you with a few of David's words on the topic:

Psalm 5
To the choirmaster: for the flutes. A Psalm of David.

Give ear to my words, O Lord;
consider my groaning.

Give attention to the sound of my cry,
my King and my God,
for to you do I pray.

O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice;
in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you[fn1] and watch.

For you are not a God who delights in wickedness;
evil may not dwell with you.

The boastful shall not stand before your eyes;
you hate all evildoers.

You destroy those who speak lies;
the Lord abhors the bloodthirsty and deceitful man.

But I, through the abundance of your steadfast love,
will enter your house.
I will bow down toward your holy temple
in the fear of you.

Lead me, O Lord, in your righteousness
because of my enemies;
make your way straight before me.


For there is no truth in their mouth;
their inmost self is destruction;
their throat is an open grave;
they flatter with their tongue.

Make them bear their guilt, O God;
let them fall by their own counsels;
because of the abundance of their transgressions cast them out,
for they have rebelled against you.

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
let them ever sing for joy,
and spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may exult in you.

For you bless the righteous, O Lord;
you cover him with favor as with a shield.