A Life After Death

 Its so weird to look at my last post and truly believe that was only a week ago. The Lord has rocked my world so much since then.

I think I need to preface this post with what Sr High Youth Ministry means to me: Sr High Ministry is a major part of my life. I schedule the majority of my social, work, family life around it. And I have since 2003 when I was a 9th grader. I could probably count the number of events I've missed belonging to Sr high on two hands since then, not counting my year of exile (after you graduate they ask you to take a year off until you become a leader). I love Sr High. I always have. I always will. Sr High is my Friday nights for the most part. Almost all of my friends are Sr high staff. We plan our social events around Sr high. We socialize at Sr High.  Sr High is my Wednesday nights. I haven't been in the sanctuary on Wednesday nights consecutively for about the last two years. I usually only check my email because I may be getting an email relating to Sr high. The Sr High website is the on my top sites list when I open my internet browser. Sr High is my facebook status updates and  a major percentage of my Facebook friends...I know this is starting to sound pretty pathetic. But I was wholeheartedly Sr High staff.
Yes.
Was.
Jesus called me out of it this week.
So here's what the Lord showed me at Coatesville. I mean, this has been a process for months now and you can trace it if you look back over some of my posts recently. Something had to go. Sr High wasn't an option. But even looking over my posts I realized- I've barely posted about Sr High. I've barely prayed for Sr High. When life was getting crazy, I wouldn't admit it to myself but it was Sr High that was taking the back-burner.

my devo spot

So on Saturday morning, I walked out of my bunk and toward my devo spot. (And look even how faithful the Lord was to prepare me for this season!)  On my way I just felt this sense of ending. Like my time at this spot was over. Mid-basketball court the tears started streaming- No more Coatesville? and then the thought went one step further- No more Sr High? What could this mean? But in the Lord's mercy and grace, part of the "Banner" (memory) verse for the week came to my mind:
"Fear Not" - but why "Fear Not" ? Why shouldn't I fear? I think I have every reason to fear- my whole life was about to change drastically! My pride would have to be humbled. My Friday nights would be empty. No small groups? No Wednesday night studies? Everyone going to Coatesville, Prayer Retreats, Winter Retreats without me??? I thin I had every right to fear- but Jesus said- "Fear not"- key word here being "Jesus said."
If anyone else said, Fear not- it would not mean anything. This week our theme was "Jesus our Hero." The skits revolved around a hero named "hero man." He was a failing hero. If Hero man told me to "fear not," it would be no comfort.  But it is Jesus who tells me to "Fear Not." Not even Brian or Mike. Not my friends. Not even Pastor Joe. It is Jesus- He is my comfort.
And He began to reveal to me who He is through the rest of our memory verse:
"Jesus Christ, the faithful witness, the firstborn from the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth, says, 'Fear not. I am the First and the Last and the Living One. I died and behold, I am alive forevermore" (Revelation 1:5, 17, 18)

"The faithful witness"- the one who stands before the Father testifying of what He has seen- that Christ Himself died and rose- being the "Firstborn from the dead" because He loved me- to save me. And He witnesses my whole life- all my failing- and loves me still. He witnesses that His blood covers me- through Him I have the redemption of sins. I can stand before the Father, washed, blameless.  It is the Jesus who conquered death who tells me to "fear not."

"the ruler of the kings of the earth"- 'no power of hell, no scheme of man- can ever pluck me from His hand.' What can man do to me? What situation can arise the He has no control over? He rules even the kings, governors, presidents.

"I am the First and the Last and the Living One"- Time has no dominion over Him. Even lately I've watched Him make "a day as a thousand years and a thousand years as a day"- it feels like that's the amount of time it should take for the work in me to be accomplished! He's always there- in every situation. And He sovereignly controls it.

"I died and behold I am alive forevermore"- death has no reign over Him. And so death has no reign over me- through Him. Eternity is before me.

So why do I fear? Jesus who has full dominion, Jesus who died because He loves me, Jesus who is coming again says, "fear not."

And so I felt peace that morning. I felt like I could give it up to this Jesus- but only for a season. I mean, He wouldn't really call me to give up sr high, would He?  This was all just a little test this morning. I'd come through and through Christ has been victorious- right?

And so I went through my day, and met with some friends. and I shared about that morning. And now I felt like- 'wait, this could be real!' And I was scared again. And even though I'd opened my hand a crack, I still wasn't really letting go- because- That Jesus- He wouldn't do that to me. Didn't He know I needed Sr High????

I went into communion that night. And every song called Him Lord- and I told Him "no."
Every song said He was worthy and I held my fist shut. Every song called to give Him all- and I couldn't take it anymore. He was calling and I had to answer. Jesus died. He shed His blood. He loves me. He's worthy. I had to let go if I ever wanted to know this Jesus more or be able to praise Him. To bring Him glory.
And so I let go.
And I worshipped.

And so afterwards I told me friends. I talked to my friend Sara on a wet bench under a broken umbrella in the rain. We both knew I would never have come up with this on my own. The idea of me leaving sr high was so ridiculous, insane, out of the blue. It had never been an option. Sr high was mine. I would never even pray about giving up Sr High...

Months ago Pastor Joe taught on Mary and Martha. I knew I was being Martha. I was so busy. I was not sitting at Jesus feet. "But Martha was distracted with much serving." "Martha Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion which shall not be taken away from her" (Luke 10:41) and even during communion Saturday night, someone read the account where Mary poured out her all on Jesus' feet. Jesus said to Judas when he criticized her, "Leave her alone, so that se may keep it for the day of my burial. For the poor you, but you do not always have Me." (John 12:7). And Sunday morning as I thought on these things, I found in my Bible a sheet of song lyrics and on the back "Don't Hold Back." And then I remembered, my friend Ade had shared one morning on Mary's story. I had forgotten. But Jesus had been preparing me- to pour out my all to Him. My treasures. He was worthy of them.

And after Joe taught on Mary and Martha I knew I needed to seek His heart for all my ministries. But I wouldn't really. Because somewhere deep inside of me- I wasn't willing to let go if He asked for them. So if I don't offer them to Him, I won't have to say no when He asks for them, right? I remember awhile ago my friend Chantale asking me how I was doing. And for some reason I shared with her how I was touched by the Mary/Martha study. She asked if she could pray with me and I remember her praying that I'd know which ministries to be a part of and which need to go. And part of me recoiled then. Part of me knew that the Lord would answer that prayer. Part of me knew I didn't really want Him to. And what's funny is I got a text from Chantale this week. I hadn't talked to her or texted her probably since that talk. All it said was "Beloved, 'Cast your anxieties upon Him for He cares for you' 1 Peter 5:7" He was preparing me all week.

On the camping trip we read those verses I wrote about in my last post in Zechariah. "And when you eat and when you drink, do you not eat for yourselves and drink for yourselves?" (7:6) And even in 8:23, "In those days ten men from the nations of every tongue shall take hold of the robe of a Jew, saying, "Let us go with you, for we have heard that God is with you""- and if I'm not following after God- who would ever say that of me. How can I lead people to a Lord that I'm not following after?

Midweek, some drama had arisen with some girls and I felt like I literally had no wisdom to deal with it. Nothing. And I honestly didn't really want girls to come to me about things. I hid from it. And I wanted just to be with staff. And I wanted just to play Monopoly Deal. (pathetic I know).
And my heart- my heart wasn't right. I had to let this go. What's the point of it all if it isn't for God's glory? If it bears no fruit in my life or these sr highers lives.

The Lord has continued to just confirm that the time was over. Really random things. Like for some reason when I was getting the make-up station supplies at the store before Coatesville I was determined to get a plastic bin so I could keep everything in the sr high closet. And I decided to label it and make a list on top of all the supplies that were needed...just in case...i wasn't going to be able to do it next year...

And just what the Lord has shown me through it and just how near and real He's been. How much more settled I feel (though I have waves of sorrow when I think of everthing I'm going to miss out on. which is just plain selfish. though I still get worried that I'm crazy and made all this up. though I get anxious at the idea of my friends all going to staff meeting without me. its a million little things that have just always been there that won't be anymore. strange. just so different.) but I really am confident that this is the Lord's will. That He is pleased. I need Him so much right now. I need Him to be real for me. And He has been.
And I'm watching it take a purifying effect on my entire life. I've hid behind my busy-ness. Friendships that need to go deeper. Friends who have walked away from the Lord I need to pursue. College and Careerers that need friends- who need someone who has a Friday night open- because they're alone because they gave up their friends to follow Jesus. Kids who graduated senior high who need to get plugged in. I know how hard that first year out of sr high is...I feel like I'm almost reliving it- but with so much more knowledge of who Jesus is- by His grace I've learned there is no other Fountain.
I've hid from all of this things because I was "too busy" bearing no fruit, living selfishly, pursuing my own agenda.
Praise the Lord He's freeing me.

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in His way; though he fall, he will not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.
" I have been young and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or His children begging for bread. He is ever-lending generously and His children become a blessing." Psalm 37:23-26

hero man

facepainting and nail salon

being with these girls and watching people <3

I'm going to miss Sr High. Everyone asks what I'm doing instead. Well, I'm just still doing all the other million things I've been doing but praying for the Lord to purify and remove any of them if they also have to go. I want to be able to pour myself into them but as an outflow of what the Lord pours into me.

Sorry for the major lack of updating. Too busy living life, you know? And the busier I got the more unmotivated I became to update about it because I knew how long it would take...and now I'm forgetting everything I wanted to update about and don't even know where to begin...ha

So we'll start with Grandma, I guess, since this blog is half about her (and half about me!):
Well, we left off with grandma having gotten out of the hospital with a bladder infection, but than her lungs were sounding bad. As the week progressed, her lungs had ups and downs. We had home care coming out to see her and all that jazz, but she continued to just decline not only with her breathing but mentally also. She just was not communicating, kind of just making noises. But the trouble came when she decided to stop eating last weekend. She literally ate and drank nothing all weekend. Monday I called the home care office but they kept not calling back. So finally I knew it was time to call hospice. Deciding to call hospice was a lot more of an emotional experience than I imagined it would be. My mom cried talking about. I had teared up talking to our nurse about it. But when grandma stopped eating I knew we needed their help.

So hospice came out not last monday but the monday before and I mean, things aren't a ton different. She's eating again. We have nurses who come out and chaplains and I get enemas in the mail. I have an aide who helps me out a ton because I got another job recently.

Someone from church hired me to watch their mom three nights a week. She has Parkinson's and dementia. I lay in a bed next to her hospital bed, put my hand on her back, and say "do you feel me here" and then I get her drinks and put her on the commode whenever she needs to.

I'm tired lately.

But the aide is a huge help cause she comes the mornings after I work so I can sleep for a few hours and have peace of mind that grandma is changed and fed. And the aide is a sweetheart and seems like she genuinely cares about grandma.

Now I'm still doing all of the other things I mentioned.
ESL has been super interesting- not what I expected but awesome nonetheless. Our people have been super flaky: like one week it'll be a group of 14. the next week it will be a group of 10 with like only two people being the same as the week before. Really random. But we got a family coming out from Belarus. We invited their 16 year old daughter out to our Sr High event that was like a week-long in house retreat. She and her friend came out- they were pretty hyper and flirty but they sat through at least 8 Bible studies, opened up Bibles in English and Russian, and heard the gospel. And who knows what the Lord will do with that.
Also and girl from France who is in highschool came out to one of our Bible studies too, so that was encouraging.
Its been such a diverse class- China, Moldova, Belarus, Lithuania, Russia, Ukraine, France (originally from Benin, Africa), Yemen, Brazil and those are only the countries I'm listing off the top of my head. “Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told." Hab. 1:5


And Girl's study has been great too. The same kind of deal- different people every week, but really sweet. Hebrews is awesome. 


Next week is Coatesville- so not even ready for it at all. I'm going to the beach Thursday and just want to lay there and read my Bible and prepare my heart for next week. This summer is flying by!


That's another thing I'm learning. Be still. I'm really bad at that. I mean, laziness- I'm like an expert at laziness, but being still is so different than being lazy. Stillness is not really a passive thing. It does take discipline. Motivation. determination. things I'm really bad at. Mary and Martha. 
I went camping this weekend (yes in the middle of a heat wave) and we were looking at Zechariah 7 where the Jews had instituted a fast that they did to mourn, but God hadn't instituted the fast. They the Lord said, "When you fasted and mourned in the fifth month and in the seventh, for these seventy years, was it for me that you fasted? 6 And when you eat and when you drink, do you not eat for yourselves and drink for yourselves?" (Zech 7:5-6) and I felt like He was asking me that about all the things that I'm doing. I'm busy. Really really busy. But why am I doing all of these things? What's my reason. And I know for the most part I'm not doing them as an outflow of my love for God, I'm not doing them to bring Him glory. I'm doing them for people, or because I'm "supposed to" or because I still have that legalistic tendency that somehow I can "earn" my relationship with God. But no, really the Lord is saying to me- "Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted on the earth." Psalm 46:10
He isn't telling me to stop doing everything I'm doing, at least I don't think. But I think I need to re-examine my motives. Cause seriously- what is any of this worth if it's not for the glory of God- if its not done from a pure heart? If I'm ignoring sitting at Jesus' feet to bake a tray of brownies for ESL or neglect reading His word so I can have a clean house for Girl's study. And I honestly don't have the strength to do all this stuff. I'm pulled like thirty ways and can hardly give myself to all of the things I'm called to. And how does that glorify God? How does that lift up His name? How does that draw me closer to Him.
I need Him.  I need Him to bear any fruit in my life. I need Him to reach the lost. I need Him to even worship Him. I can't do any of it. 
"Come to me all you who labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of Me for I am meek and lowly of heart."
Burning out in ministry does not glorify God. He's gloried in my weakness being made perfect in His strength.  I want to learn of Him. And in that to draw near to Him. The goal= to know Him more and through that bring glory to His name. To truly worship Him.
He's so passionate about His name.
and with all that said- I'm leaving for coatesville tomorrow. please pray. i'm really tired. i want to glorify and know God more this week. I want to minister to our sr highers. I want to minister to our Coatesville kids. I want to do it in the Lord's strength through the power of the Holy Spirit.


p.s. just to prove how busy i am I started this on the 18th and am finally posting it today...ugh!

today my Jersey friend Becky is coming from California (i guess she's my cali friend now) because Saturday we have a wedding for our friend Brianna! too much excitement I can't contain it.

So much has happened lately which is why I haven't posted- it's a little overwhelming but all good exciting things and I'll make a little skeleton outline and maybe flesh it out later for you all...

I. Our sr high group has started going door to door once a month in our neighborhood inviting highschoolers to church- pray

II. Our church is starting an ESL class (English to speakers of other languages) next Wednesday Night and yesterday my friend Sara and my sister April and I went down Bustleton Ave going into any foreign store or restaurant we found inviting people out- its sooo exciting! Literally, we met all Russians, which is really cool since I've always wanted to go to Russia (but the Lord just brought them here- perfect!)
Please pray!

III. Our college group is starting a new girls study/prayer/fellowship which will sometimes meet at my house

IV. we just had a missions conference at our church which was incredible with speakers like Poncho Juarez, Daniel Massieh, Matt Ellison, Bob Caldwell, Akson from the only Calvary Chapel in Zambia (who had never before left Africa!), Rafael from Spain, so many incredible men of God! (I'll link all these later probably!)

V. this is just all on top of regular C&C, sr high, small groups, church, family, grandmom, friends, weddings and showers!

VI. Summer plans- Coasteville missions trip, Surf Camp, Unspoken concert outreach, Senior High events, and more family, grandmom...

Its exciting- but the Lord has definitely spoken to me about clutter- All these are such great things and I'm like, all right Lord- it seems like I'm supposed to be a part of all these BUT He also showed me I'm cluttered- so I'm trying to cut our facebook and tv and anything else that is  source I go to instead of the Lord for my strength, my supply, my life...
it's been refreshing to say the least.

anyway, check out Romans 8, yes the whole thing...the Lord truly ministered to me with it last night- and relooking at it this morning, vs. 34 was so sweet to me "Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?..." (also vs. 35) Jesus Christ faced condemnation for me. He faced the judgement of God for me. He faced the separation of the love of God for me. The Father turned His face away and did not comfort Him. So that I would not have to face condemnation, judgement, separation from the love of God. Praise Him. Selah.

"Have you ever realized that when you pray for the Holy Spirit that you are praying for the whole God head to take possession of you? Do you really understand this? Or have your prayers had a wrong motive? Were you expecting that Gd would do something in your heart but as for the rest of your activities, you must be free to do your own will? That would be a great mistake. The Holy Spirit must have full possession...what God commands and demands of us, He will Himself work within us" Andrew Murray
Remember when I posted about the Lord convicting me of laziness? Anyway- it's still in process. Honestly, I'm learning laziness isn't about me just getting up and doing something all day. It's my heart! that is the issue! I was looking through a journal from when I was in 10th grade (wow...January of 05!) and one of my youth pastors, Brian Weed, was teaching on Ecclesiastes on "idleness"- and I was really not idle at all in my life then- I was running so hard and so desperate for the Lord that I panicked if I did not have something to do (I didn't even know how to rest then!) So I'm sure this teaching meant nothing to me- but I'm just so glad I was a faithful notetaker than, because this verse struck me so hard last night- 

Honestly- I think I do this at this time every year. Promise to update about Coatesville and surf camp- than I am just busy AT surf camp and Coatesville and than everyone goes back to school and I just love fall and so I never update- I'm just a liar I guess.
Anyway, I have really weird dreams all the time. Ranging from getting married with a black gospel choir serenading me to pigs surfing with the help of ducks to trying to jog to highschool with my friend Julianne and a bag of hand-me-down clothes. WHY??? Maybe that's why I am tired all the time- I'm too busy all night to get any rest.

Anyway, Sometimes I have themes I'm learning but I think it's been more of my entire life needs to just die and my desires need to just die and I am getting to the total end of my self and all of my ability and so it's time for Jesus to just do it all and have His way. I've felt super super unable lately- and do you know what- i really really am. But God is just so able. And drawing near to Him is just so utterly sweet. I'm realizing more and more I just want to be near Him and for Him to delight in me and I in Him.
Some journal quotes and verses as of late:
"The spirit that comes in is not that of doing anything for Jesus but of being a perfect delight to Him. The secret of the missionary is- I am His and He is carrying out His enterprises through me. Be entirely His"- Oswald Chambers
"The water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water" John 4:14
"Keep right at the source, and you will be blessed personally? No- out of you will flow rivers of living water, irrepressible life"- Oswald Chambers
All right one theme has been water- living water. Yes. That's seriously what I want- The Holy Spirit overflowing out of me.
"For My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water" Jer. 2:13
Another theme is like just how we as a people can think everything is okay when it is really not okay between us and God- the way people don't even have shame about their sin anymore-
"They have healed thew wound of my people lightly saying, 'Peace, peace' when there is no peace.
"Were they ashamed when they committed abomination?
"No, they were not at all ashamed; they did not even know how to blush. Therefore they shall fall among those who fall; at the time that I punish them they shall be overthrown,' says the Lord" Jer. 6:14-15

Revival has been on my heart lately.
"If My people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways than I will hear from heaven and I will forgive their sins and heal their land" 2 Chronicles 7:14
My church is being stirred. My pastor has decided to cancel out Sunday night Bible Study and make it a prayer meeting instead for like the next 10 months or however long it takes us to go through Luke on Sunday mornings. I'm excited. I don't know what it is going to look like. at all. I mean, there are thousands of people at our church- is everyone going to show? Is anyone going to show? We need to be stirred. I need to be stirred. I need personal revival in my life. Sometimes I step back and I've just been like Lord- am I even willing? Am I really willing for Him to actually come in and remove everything that needs to be removed? To actually do whatever He wants in my heart? Oh boy...
But The Lord has been also just reminding me through the books of the law that His commands are for my good- that everything He does is for my good and that He only wants good things for me. I mean, He's only ever done good for me- I look back even on my grandfather dying, how he would be 82 today, that we'd be celebrating our birthdays together tonight- and there's a part of me that's sad. I'm sad that even my crazy lunatic grandmother remembered that it was his birthday today before I did. I mean, I miss him. But I can see God's incredible sovereign hand in taking him and even the way it went down- seeing a loved one in a foul smelling, death filled respirator hospital is one of the most horrible things in the world. Being at Bible College and your grandfather having a triple bypass is hard. Not being with your family when your grandparents are in the hospital is hard- much less being an ocean away. Watching your mom sob in hallways when doctors are telling her her father may have brain damage is hard and watching your mom and aunts fight over whether to have my grandpop keep fighting or remove the respirator was probably one of the darkest most horrible times in my life.
BUT GOD.
Honestly. But God. God brought such incredible beauty from those ashes. My grandfather's salvation. My grandmother's salvation. My cousin's salvation. My up and down year of sin and despair- but ultimately- victory over sin, brokenness, joy, peace, love, patience.
God did it. Praise Him.
And so why do I still doubt?!!!!
Anyway- I'm excited, and we're asking the Lord to have His way.
So I'll let you know how that goes.
I've been listening to a lot of J. Edwin Orr. A man who studied revival and tromped all over the UK telling people about Jesus.
Check out some of his speakings-

Sorry for the randomness- I'm telling you I feel like it's been a very random month and two million years since surf camp but one day I'll update ;)

anyway Coatesville was awesome- Honestly, I'm in the middle of dyeing my hair, cleaning my house, and doing laundry so I'm probably going to postpone the update till Post-surf camp but I wanted to send out a request for prayer for this weekend.
Surf Camp is Friday till Monday and I think it sounds like I'm counseling like a room of 7 girls-which honestly I'm a little nervous about. The Lord is humbling me- I'm so not able to handle this but He is so able and I'm excited for Him to do wondrous things this weekend. I'm asking for miracles. For Him to move mountains in the lives of these kids- things that they thought they'd never overcome, things that they've been so unable to overcome- that they would allow God to do His work in their life.
I'm praying that I would be sincere- honestly I've been super unfocused this week and I'm hoping to take today (the fam is all down the shore) and seek the Lord and His heart for this weekend.
Pray I would serve these girls and have a heart of compassion.
Pray for great waves.
Pray for safety!
Pray for focus- especially during the studies.
Pray for the Lord to meet us in worship.
Pray for energy! Surf starts at 6 am!!! yikes...
Pray for repentance and for all of us to more fully grasp the love of God for us and our position in Christ.
Pray for Love and unity amongst the staff (even in all of our diversity) and for the Lord to rake out the roots of bitterness amongst the kids and that they would learn to love each other with the Love of Jesus Christ.
Pray my grandmom would be good for my family this weekend (for strength and patience for them as they take care of her)
All right- I'm out
t

I basically had an emotional breakdown at the hospital today. I think I'm losing my mind...yikes! I cannot even tell you what it really was about. Basically, if I didn't mention, my grandmom got moved out of ICU finally on Tuesday night and has been on a telemetry (monitoring) floor since then. Anyway, I found out that her primary doctor discharged her last night (not 24 hours since she'd been out of ICU) and that I needed to pick a nursing home for her to get transported to today.

um, so anyway, needless to say, I started balling my eyes out. Actually, it isn't needless to say, because I don't think normal people cry when you tell them their grandmother is getting out of the hospital.

But honestly, I just wasn't ready to have to deal with nursing homes already. I think I was traumatized by our last experience and they idea made me so stressed and emotional and I'm just so exhausted (even though I sleep all the time) that I just cracked. Thank goodness my grandmom has a private room because I think they might have locked me up if anyone saw me crying.

SO anyway, I called my mom and she and I realized they cannot discharge her without speaking to her ortho and cardiologist and them giving the go ahead. So I talked to the nurse and she agreed and I actually had to leave for Coatesville in the middle of all this. But I got a call when I was at the Dollar Store buying glow bracelets for our kids (our verse was "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path", cute huh?), the social worker from the hospital called and said they were not discharging her today (thank God!)

So she'll probably be out tomorrow or something, but I honestly could just not deal with it today. I woke up super depressed for some reason and could not shake it, but things got better after my emotional breakdown and going to Coatesville always helps and I love praying on the way up and having fellowship and serving the Lord with everything He gives me (because honestly, I literally was so fried I had nothing to offer those kids today)...

That's probably why something happens every Thursday...two week ago I locked myself out of my car like three minutes because I had to leave for Coatesville, then last week my grandmom had to go to the ER for this whole femur deal, and now this week emotional breakdown- God needs to show me that I'm weak every Thursday so His strength can be made complete. He's good. He's so good.

Anyway- please pray for wisdom with choosing a new nursing home for rehab and please pray for strength and just peace, I need it so much.

Also, please pray for Coatesville, one of our kids died last night in a car accident (well, he stole a car and crashed it when he was being chased by the cops), his name was Rasheem, but they all called him Mooch. I didn't know him, but he was related to some of our afternoon kid's club kids...that city needs Jesus so badly.

So I've had an insane week including house guests and tons of homework that didn't get done and missing school books and fun times with friends and picnics and football games and fall and hospital visits and needing to get a new license and turning 21 and going to Coatesville and drinking Bubble tea and car accidents literally the day after my car got inspected and being very very tired and having class tonight...yikes
it all sounds about how I feel at this point...please pray
also, pray, I was asked to teach a class of Kindergarteners the Bible on Thursdays at Coatesville, but I don't know if I should teach or be a helper like I was before and I'm supposed to get back to them...I've never taught anything in my life, can barely tell a story, and have no skill in explaining a concept if my life depended on it- so if I'm looking at it from a pure physical sense than I know I cannot do this...BUT...if God wants me to He will make me able...so...I need some wisdom and peace...k?
love you all insanely

I had better write this post for posterity's sake before I forget every amazing thing God did that week because I'm already forgetting the better half of it.

So, literally, I ran to my devotion spot on Monday morning with my green micro-fleece blanket, mug of coffee, Bible and journal my friend Becky brought me back from Italy. Now, you need to understand, that there is this magical river that runs right along the camp that we call the "Mystic River" and if you walk across this long rickety bridge you are basically on this enchanted island and usually no one else thinks to cross the river and so I'm basically over there all by myself, well, and with God. Part of the island slopes down to this beach area and the roots have formed almost like steps and I have so many memories of running there to meet with God and praise Him for what He was doing in my life at Coatesville. Every year for the past five years (save my tenth grade year when I was in Hungary for the summer) I would wake up when the bell rang for devos and head over with my pile of stuff and hike over the bridge and plop down against this one tree and spend an hour with God. So I would say that five times seven is thirty five multiplied by one hour is 35 hours...35 hours of God time in this spot- give or take a few and add some for Prayer Retreats the past few years. So to me this is a very special spot. God did amazing things in my heart while I was sitting there. He brought me to places of surrender I could never have brought myself. He changed my heart for people around me. He captivated me, right there- in that spot.
And so when I practically flailed myself there on the ground on Monday morning I literally felt like I was breathing a breath of fresh air after two very exhausting and hard years (i kind of didn't count last years Coatesville because I was working in the kitchen and really didn't get a chance to come out to my spot much).
And do you know the first thing God spoke to my heart? He basically came out and said that I cannot trust in Coatesville. I cannot trust in this spot. Because they are going to fail me. And He didn't stop there. Basically, He reminded me that as much as this spot seemed the same as it ever did from the very curve of the root of the tree to the bend in the brook below me, it was not going to last. Things weren't the same. My life wasn't the same. My friends would fail me- have failed me (though maybe not intentionally). My family would and does fail me. Mike and Brian (our youth pastors) would fail me. People who were there weren't even the same. I would never sit on the basketball court staring at the stars with my friends again. I would never have all of my friends praying together in the chapel again. Rob (our old youth pastor) wouldn't ever be there like he'd been before. Even Mrs. Petock wasn't at Coatesville and she had been there every single year for the past who knows how many years. Demetria, my old Coatesville kid, was too old, she wouldn't be back.
Everything had changed. And for a second, I was overwhelmed. Consumed. But then...God reminded me of Malachi 3:6- "I am the LORD, I do not change, therefore you are not consumed, O sons of Jacob."
Wow.
And then I knew- God would never fail me. God will never change. He is the only one I can count on.
And what a good promise. What a needed promise.

So you can imagine what a great week after a start like that!
Did I mention that the evening before I had this amazing, cute, godly, saintly, elderly couple promise they would be praying for me that week? Praying for me????!!!!! So cool, isn't it?

SO kid's club was amazing. God totally showed his sovereignty in it through the weather. Yeah, we were getting a ton of rain. But this is how it would work- Day 1- Kid's show up, sunny skies, kid's enter chapel for worship- rain literally pours from the sky, we end up doing a very extended worship chapel, head out for skits under pavilion, rain stops, kids play in beautiful sunshine. Amazing, huh? That's how it would go all week, raining only at the perfect times- except Friday it rained for our last hour with the kids but it worked out because they all huddled under the pavilion and we all got to hang out together and really say goodbye. It was sooo amazing.
Now, you need to understand- the kids were amazing this year. Usually it is like us trying to constantly keep them focused- but they totally were so receptive to the skits (which we literally just Bible stories acted out- starting in Genesis to the resurrection of Jesus) and they understood and were able to reciprocate the lessons in the skit back to us- it was sooo cool! Honestly, such a blessed week with the kids!

So, we personally we studying the life of Joseph in the mornings- and honestly- just read those chapters over and study them. God did such amazing things in Joseph's life- in all of his suffering, and if you read the chapter where he meets up with his brothers again and just read over and over the verses about his crying and having to leave the room because of the emotion you will know that that man suffered. But God did such an amazing work in his life and through his life- influencing the whole world because of his obedience to God and knowing that it was God who was doing the work in his life and not some mistake or because his brother's were jerks. And so I couldn't stop thinking about the verse in Isaiah-"Behold, It was for my welfare that I had great bitterness; but in love You have delivered my life from the pit of destructions, for You have cast all my sins behind my back." Isaiah 38:17. LIke I really believe Joseph could have said that those verses were his heart too- God had a reason for all of the bitterness, the pain, the suffering in his life- and it was for his welfare! And God literally delivered his life from the pit of destruction!!!

Also, I was really hurting during my time at Coatesville because of something someone had said to me- but I just kept clinging to 1 John 4- that God's perfect love casts out my fear. Because it really does. I had never understood how much God loved me until I saw failing love- and then I understood the vastness (or part of the vastness) of how amazing it is that GOd can love me unfailingly and faithfully and abundantly and unconditionally!
I was also struggling with forgiveness toward that person though. It wasn't that I was having trouble with being angry or bitter- I was just hurt. It literally felt like a wound was open. But I wasn't mad- I was just in a lot of pain, but I was kind of blaming myself because that's what I do. So I kind of never have to forgive people because I just pass the blame onto myself- but I was reading through Joseph's life and how important it was for when he saw his brother's again that he had already forgiven them. ANd I knew that I needed to consciously forgive if I ever wanted to heal- and so I think it's something I'm still learning.

Then there was communion on Saturday night. And Mikey got up and was praying for us for things- and honestly, the two things I needed prayer for but didn't realize that I needed prayer for he had us stand up for- One was to have a united heart, and the second was to be filled with the Holy Spirit afresh- and honesly, I had never been at the place where I really felt that everything that needed to be surrendered for surrendered until that point- and it was the most amazing revelation- because it wasn't like it was anything I had done in my strength- I had fought with God over so many things over the years that I needed to cling to but to stand in that chapel where I had literally wrestled with God and to see that He had got the victory was honestly the most amazing feeling.
"Now unto Him who is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, to the only wise God, our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen." Jude 24-25

So, to sum up the week was amazing.
Now if you can pray that Surf Camp will be equally amazing I would much appreciate it- also, please pray that the waves won't be insane- we're supposed to be getting waves from Hurricane Bill or something but that would really stink for teaching the kids- so pray that they would be great beginner waves...

Since I really don't have time to update about Coatesville yet I figure while you are all waiting for the amazing post I have yet to write I will leave you with some of the verses that were a theme for me this week....

First off- our theme verse for the kids was Psalm 100:3,5- "Know that the Lord, He is God. It is He who made us and not we ourselves. For the Lord is good and His mercy is everlasting and His truth endures to all generations."

Also, Malachi 3:6- "I am the Lord, I change not, therefore you are not consumed, ye sons of Jacob"

"Behold, It was for my welfare that I had great bitterness; but in love You have delivered my life from the pit of destructions, for You have cast all my sins behind my back." Isaiah 38:17

"Now unto Him who is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, to the only wise God, our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen." Jude 24-25

what am i on- twitter? ew.

Well, i figure i should update since it's been forever since my last one...

I've been waiting and waiting for spring and it goes from freezing cold to 90 degrees here in like a day...yikes! So we've had a heat wave here in Philly since Saturday and it's going into tomorrow.

My family took this very heat wave to decide to redo the ENTIRE house. We switched every kid's bedroom (except mine since I don't live in that part of the house anymore) in the house for basically the first time since we built each room. It was pretty exciting but a ton of work between painting and carrying furniture up and downstairs and putting in wood floor in my sister's room (the only way she would agree to the move. WE needed her room because she has the biggest room so the boy's could share that room...) and in the middle of all that we repainted my grandmom and my entire living room.

WE finally "finished" it all as much as we can for now, but sadly I did not get my garden rototilled and so I cannot start planting, but I've been trying to get everything seeded inside. But I did take my chicks out for a little visit outdoors...

oh, did I mention my chicks?
WE got 8 chickens about three weeks ago, well, chicks, but they are already growing into hens and they are going to be beautiful and red and lay me a thousand eggs...all right, not a thousand, but a lot! i"m so excited!

Oh, also this weekend my grandmother got a pacemaker put in (besides all of the other drama going on in our house!) and that all went well, but she is very sore.

She's been pretty okay lately, insane, but okay. I'm thankful it's spring because I can hang the sheets on the line to dry since I've had to wash them EVERY single day for about a week since she started wetting the bed during the night. Yikes!

But other than that things have been pretty lovely. I got to go on a romantic picnic tea with my friends Hannah, Julianne, and Ruthie! And that is only the beginning of the wonderful adventures I plan for this summer!

First it will prayerfully start with Overnight Camp at Coatesville. Coatesville is an inner city about an hour away from me that my church has been ministering in for years and years now. The city is in the typical cycle of teen mom's getting pregnant, thier husbands going to jail young, kid's growing up with no parent figure in the house watching thier older cousin's get murdered or join gangs or end up in jail and thier older sister's having kids when thier still just kids themselves. So Jack Crans, a prison chaplain, started a camp to minister to the kid's while they are still young and to share Jesus with them and the hope that there is that is greater than the life they've gotten stuck in and how they can break this cycle. So every summer for years now my senior high youth group has done a week long day camp up there where we bus in the kids and do VBS's all week. My favorite week of the entire summer.
So for the last few months I've gotten involved in the afterschool club the Crans' do for the kids that is basically a Bible study for an hour every thursday at the camp and I've loved really being able to build a relationship with these kids instead of just seeing them every summer for a few days then leaving.
So the Crans' also do an Overnight camp for the kids every summer in June and I'm praying about helping out with the older kid's week! I'm excited and nervous.

THen the week after that I am going to Cali for 10 days with my friends Hannah and Stephanie for my Bible college friends' Donna and Aaron's wedding which I honestly cannot wait for!!!!

Then the last week of July into August is my senior high group's day camp week for Coatesville camp!
Then in August there is Surf Camp which I really hope I'll be able to do also!

Goodness...what an insanely busy summer already without ever thinking of the chickens to care for and the garden to tend and the grandmother to watch!
But it's all good.
And the Lord has given me 2 Peter 1 to hold onto and learn about so that I won't fall.
it's great.
all right
I should actually go work on my online Bible college classes that I really haven't started...yikes!