A Life After Death: 2012

Merry Christmas!

4:24:00 PM

Well. Merry Christmas! So far we've just given up on traditions. No Christmas cookies. No waiting at the top of the stairs till all the kids are ready and my dad videotaping our reactions. No homemade cinnamon buns. It's just one of those years since we're all busy and working and getting old. But there's some traditions I'm truly thankful are over. I'm thankful that this year I didnt wake up and change my grandmom's wet diaper. I'm thankful that my dad didn't have to carry her down the stairs to watch the kids open presents. I'm thankful I didn't have to puree her Christmas dinner. No more sorrow. No more pain. And I'm thankful that I'm truly not emotional about her not being here this year. The Lord is gracious and good to me. I can't miss her being here because the trauma of watching an old Christmas video and hearing her complain about how she needed to be moved cause she was sitting on something, when really it was just her out of joint hip bone bothering her. I hate it. I hate that she was in pain. I hate that she was uncomfortable. So I'd never wish for that again. I'm glad it's over. I'm thankful for the time with her. I'm so so thankful for good Christmas memories because Jesus gave us so many. But I'm more thankful that she's in eternal glory celebrating Jesus' birth with Him.I'm so thankful Jesus took on flesh so that I have that hope of seeing her again, in a resurrected body. He came and suffered so that He could be that great High Priest who sympathized with all her weakness. He died so that she's have life. Praise the Lord for that thrill of hope that causes a weary world to rejoice!

This is my grandmom's tree from last year. I bought it for her and put it in her room and decorated it for her. I hung all the Christmas cards in her room and hung lights around her mirror. And a couple weeks later we all sat in that room and watched her pass into eternity. I'm so glad. We planted it and a couple weeks ago my friends/coworkers and I dug it up and put it in a pot and decorated it. It's crooked and brown and saggy. And I love it.

Fall

10:22:00 AM

Hi.

6:08:00 PM

sanctification: To be like Christ. To displace self from the inner throne, and to enthrone Him; to make not the slightest compromise with the smallest sin. We aim at nothing less than to walk with God all day long, to abide every hour in Christ and He and His words in us, to love God with all the heart and our neighbor as ourselves.... It is possible to cast every care on Him daily, and to be at peace amidst pressure, to see the will of God in everything, to put away all bitterness and clamor and evil speaking, daily and hourly. It IS possible by unreserved resort to divine power under divine conditions to become strongest through and through at our weakest point. ~moule

12:40:00 AM

i wish i could update my blog cause the Lord us working but my laptop died

10:37:00 AM

Prayers

11:52:00 PM

lessons

Isaiah 58

12:10:00 AM

God

Guilt

12:01:00 AM

glory of God

Christ and the Church.

3:32:00 PM

Now read their blog. You know how when you crush a rose the fragrance comes out. Or wine is made from pressed grapes. Yeah. The fragrance of Christ, the joy in the midst of suffering and pain, Living waters- the surpassing worth of knowing Christ- it all basically just exudes from this blog. It's like touching holy moments in the life of this couple and they share them with us. Check it out.

"Marriage is not mainly about prospering economically; it is mainly about displaying the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church. Knowing Christ is more important than making a living. Treasuring Christ is more important than bearing children. Being united to Christ by faith is a greater source of marital success than per- fect sex and double-income prosperity.

"If we make secondary things primary, they cease to be secondary and become idolatrous. They have their place. But they are not first, and they are not guaranteed. Life is precarious, and even if it is long by human standards, it is short. “What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes” (James 4:14). “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring” (Prov. 27:1).So it is with marriage. It is a momentary gift. It may last a lifetime, or it may be snatched away on the honeymoon. Either way, it is short. It may have many bright days, or it may be covered with clouds. If we make secondary things primary, we will be embittered at the sorrows we must face. But if we set our face to make of marriage mainly what God designed it to be, no sorrows and no calamities can stand in our way. Every one of them will be, not an obstacle to success, but a way to succeed. The beauty of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church shines brightest when nothing but Christ can sustain it.
Very soon the shadow will give way to Reality. The partial will pass into the Perfect. The foretaste will lead to the Banquet. The troubled path will end in Paradise. A hundred candle-lit evenings will come to their consummation in the marriage supper of the Lamb. And this momentary marriage will be swallowed up by Life. Christ will be all and in all. And the purpose of marriage will be complete.
To that end may God give us eyes to see what matters most in this life. May the Holy Spirit, whom he sends, make his crucified and risen Son the supreme Treasure of our lives. And may that Treasure so satisfy our souls that the root of every marriage-destroying impulse is severed. And may the marriage-watching world be captivated by the covenant- keeping love of Christ."- John Piper

God

4 Months.

10:30:00 PM

Well, to be perfectly honest I have had a really hard time lately. Everything people have ever tried to warn me grieving was is actually what grieving is. Sometimes I'm just sad. Sometimes I just lay in my bed and cry because I'm just plain sad. Sometimes I hurt in just a really deep place inside of me that physically makes me feel ill. I finally brought up at our girl's study the other night that I needed prayer for my grieving and strangely since then it got harder. I don't know if it was me actually admitting to myself that I was having a hard time that opened up the can of worms that has been my emotions the past couple days. I don't know if it's just that I knew today was coming up and just facing that it's been four months was just hard for me. I don't really know and maybe that's been the hardest part- I just don't really understand. Because I know so much. I know where my grandmom is. I know that is was her time to go. I know that I need to go to Jesus with my hurt. I know that He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. I know that He's a loving God, that He has good plans for me, that He wants to meet with me, that it was needful for me for grandmom to go. And that's why when I'm just sad, and emotional, and hurting, that I just find my own emotions soooo confusing. Because I don't understand why I feel the way I feel.
Tonight we talked about taking every thought captive at prayer. And also about surrender. There's such a temptation to let my hurt and pain control me. My sad thoughts and sorrow to rule in my life and captivate me. But Jesus gives me the power to take every thought captive- to take them to Him. To not bear these burdens myself. To go to the One who wept. And Also I realized I needed to really surrender grandmom to Him. I cannot hold onto her. I keep giving her to Him and taking her back which is just so stupid since she's gone. But it's this idea of her and who she was and who I still want her to be for me. But all that I want her to be is actually what I need God to be for me. He's my source, my life, my joy, my sustenance, my comfort, my everything. He is the Lord who doesn't change, therefore I am not consumed.

^"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸Indeed, I count everything as loss because ofthe surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ ⁹and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— ¹⁰ that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.^"12Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. ¹³Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. ¹⁵Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.¹⁶Only let us hold true to what we have attained.¹⁷Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. ¹⁸For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. ¹⁹ Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. ²⁰But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body,by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. " Philippians 3:7-21

God

His Presence

11:26:00 PM

revival

1 Kings 18

10:36:00 AM

The Prophets of Baal Defeated

20 So Ahab sent to all the people of Israel and gathered the prophets together at Mount Carmel. 21 And Elijah came near to all the people and said, “How long will you go limping between two different opinions? If the LORD is God, follow him; but if Baal, then follow him.” And the people did not answer him a word. 22 Then Elijah said to the people, “I, even I only, am left a prophet of the LORD, but Baal’s prophets are 450 men. 23 Let two bulls be given to us, and let them choose one bull for themselves and cut it in pieces and lay it on the wood, but put no fire to it. And I will prepare the other bull and lay it on the wood and put no fire to it. 24 And you call upon the name of your god, and I will call upon the name of the LORD, and the God who answers by fire, he is God.” And all the people answered, “It is well spoken.”25 Then Elijah said to the prophets of Baal, “Choose for yourselves one bull and prepare it first, for you are many, and call upon the name of your god, but put no fire to it.” 26 And they took the bull that was given them, and they prepared it and called upon the name of Baal from morning until noon, saying, “O Baal, answer us!” But there was no voice, and no one answered. And they limped around the altar that they had made. 27 And at noon Elijah mocked them, saying, “Cry aloud, for he is a god. Either he is musing, or he is relieving himself, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened.” 28 And they cried aloud and cut themselves after their custom with swords and lances, until the blood gushed out upon them.29 And as midday passed, they raved on until the time of the offering of the oblation, but there was no voice. No one answered; no one paid attention.

30 Then Elijah said to all the people, “Come near to me.” And all the people came near to him. And he repaired the altar of the LORD that had been thrown down.31 Elijah took twelve stones, according to the number of the tribes of the sons of Jacob, to whom the word of the LORD came, saying, “Israel shall be your name,”32 and with the stones he built an altar in the name of the LORD. And he made a trench about the altar, as great as would contain two seahs [fn1] of seed. 33 And he put the wood in order and cut the bull in pieces and laid it on the wood. And he said, “Fill four jars with water and pour it on the burnt offering and on the wood.” 34 And he said, “Do it a second time.” And they did it a second time. And he said, “Do it a third time.” And they did it a third time. 35 And the water ran around the altar and filled the trench also with water.

36 And at the time of the offering of the oblation, Elijah the prophet came near and said, “O LORD, God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, let it be known this day that you are God in Israel, and that I am your servant, and that I have done all these things at your word. 37 Answer me, O LORD, answer me, that this people may know that you, O LORD, are God, and that you have turned their hearts back.” 38 Then the fire of the LORD fell and consumed the burnt offering and the wood and the stones and the dust, and licked up the water that was in the trench. 39 And when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces and said, “The LORD, he is God; the LORD, he is God.” 40 And Elijah said to them, “Seize the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape.” And they seized them. And Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon and slaughtered them there.

The LORD Sends Rain

41 And Elijah said to Ahab, “Go up, eat and drink, for there is a sound of the rushing of rain.” 42 So Ahab went up to eat and to drink. And Elijah went up to the top of Mount Carmel. And he bowed himself down on the earth and put his face between his knees. 43 And he said to his servant, “Go up now, look toward the sea.” And he went up and looked and said, “There is nothing.” And he said, “Go again,” seven times. 44 And at the seventh time he said, “Behold, a little cloud like a man’s hand is rising from the sea.” And he said, “Go up, say to Ahab, ‘Prepare your chariot and go down, lest the rain stop you.’” 45 And in a little while the heavens grew black with clouds and wind, and there was a great rain. And Ahab rode and went to Jezreel. 46 And the hand of the LORD was on Elijah, and he gathered up his garment and ran before Ahab to the entrance of Jezreel.

God

His Kindness

12:12:00 AM

I think I'm just overwhelmed with the Lord's kindness to me lately. Like why is He so kind and nice to me? So constantly showering blessings on me? I don't deserve an ounce of it! I feel like I'm just in a season where the Lord has so clearly led and ministered to me and provided for my needs- and I almost feel bad because I know everyone isn't in a season like this. So many people I know are in wilderness seasons- and that's what I'd been anticipating and been preparing myself for after grandmom died! And I won't pretend like I haven't had some really hard days and moments of just darkness and pain, but the Lord has just in all of it shown Himself so clearly. Like I'm constantly bombarded with Him revealing Himself in little ways in the midst of it. And it's like whenever I'm hurting the most, He's always sending something or someone my way just to remind me He sees me. From getting me my lost journal off the side of the road, to leading and speaking to me about waiting for my job and than providing the perfect job, to getting me off of work for a retreat this weekend, to giving me such favor at work with my manager and co-workers, to having me stand next to co-workers at church when I'm sobbing, to having the perfect schedule, to friends praying for me, to texts from friend's at just the right time- like it's like the Lord is constantly reminding me I'm not alone and He sees my hurt and pain and just wants me to know that He loves me. I'm spoiled, honestly. And I know that this isn't always how the Lord will work in my life- there will be seasons where it's dark and dry and I need to walk by faith, but right now I see the Lord's hand so evidently in my life and His blessing are so abundant that I don't want to waste it and now Praise Him and thank Him for it. And to also remember it during those faith testing times- that He's ever only been faithful to me and He's worthy of all my trust no matter what. Anyway, I'm just very thankful right now that I serve such a kind, generous, loving God.

easter

Resurrection

10:22:00 PM

I am so not used to being an emotional mess (at least not since highschool- for the most part I've pulled myself together since then).

I did not expect today to be hard. Honestly, there's a part of me that has prided myself with how well I've grieved since grandmom died. I've watched a lot of people really struggle with the loss of loved ones, but for awhile there- as much as I missed grandmom- I really wasn't losing control of myself over it. And I couldn't understand how people aren't able to get over their losses and function (their losses in Christ, I mean- I don't know how you function if you don't have the hope of heaven).

But lately, I've been that person that I didn't expect myself to be. And I hadn't given Easter a second thought other then being thankful for my Savior's Love for me and having it be a day to remember Him. In preparing myself for it, it didn't click in the least that this was my first real holiday without her.

But from the moment I woke up this morning (which was 5:30 since my parents for some reason thought that it'd be a good idea to go to the 6:00 am service and try to wake me up for it) I've been so emotional. First I was crying in my bed because I couldn't believe my parents and some of my siblings were just going to go to 6:00 service without the rest of us (there wasn't a chance some of us were even attempting the 6 am service). I mean, didn't they realize this was the first time we could actually go to an Easter service together in years? Why did they have to go so early and not just wait for the rest of us? Anyway, apparently I'm sensitive...

And then when I finally did go to church (at 10:00 am with my cousin Phil), I ended up just losing it during worship. Out of nowhere I was collapsed and sobbing- I haven't experienced anything like that since I don't know when... And usually I can compose myself, but I literally couldn't this time. I think it was because we'd sung "I will Rise" at my grandmom's funeral (but I've sung it tons of times since then and it had never hit me like this). Anyway, thankfully I was sitting against and wall next to my two co-workers (i love having co-workers that go to my church), and it was honestly such a blessing to just be held in that moment.

And then it was little things throughout the day. I think part of it all was that Easter last year with grandmom was just such a memorable, powerful day. (Was that really only a year ago? I feel like I'm living in this alternate life where it's almost like all of that didn't happen. And I've moved on: I have a job, a new room, we're in the middle of remodeling our kitchen, life is totally different now. But then at the same time everything reminds me of her. Oatmeal. Gardens. Vacuums. Nail polish. Charles Stanley. Music. Pictures. Words.) Anyway, The Lord is so good- He comforts me so much. And I was thinking about how last year I have my grandmom those verses from 1 Corinthians 15 to comfort her. And this year they are for me. He's so good. She's whole.

"I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”

“O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."

It's so funny, I was reading last Easter's post and this is how I ended it- "Thank you Jesus Christ for the hope that one day my grandmom's body and mind will be restored and we'll see our Comforter face to face... Oh Glorious Day!"

He did it. He took her. Praise Him!!!- it's all past tense now. The day I waited for for so long came and went. Her mind and body are restored- she sees our Comforter face to face- right now! And there's another Day I'm waiting for- and I know it'll come just as quick as that one did- the Day when I see Him face to face too. And how wonderful that I'll get to see her and my grandpop again too. I'm just so thankful that Christ rose that day 2000 years ago!

grandmom

3 months

10:34:00 PM

pictures

Moments

10:49:00 PM

gianna jessen

Life

10:12:00 PM

The blanket I won from mynewbeginnings.blogspot.com (aka my dear friend Jarreau's blog)

So the last few days have been such a refreshing time. Ever since Monday night I've been doing a lot better. The guilt really hasn't shown up, which I'm truly thankful for. Tuesday morning I got up and read this encouragement from the Lord through Susannah Spurgeon-

Free Grace and Dying Love: Morning Devotions by Susannah Spurgeon

Perfect timing (even though it's my third or fourth read through of this little treasure). Also Chantale had leant me a little book called God's Promises Day by Day and Tuesday morning's was by Peter Wallace:

"Good and upright is the Lord; therefore He teaches sinners in the way"Psalm 25:8

Shame is a deep dark wound that scars our hearts. When we feel shame we are vulnerable to attacks and then to deeper shame.

Rather than get caught up in shame's downward spiral, we can stop the process by lifting up our damaged hearts to the Lord. We can look to Him for release from the past hurts and relief from the present troubles. Look to the One you can trust for mercy and acceptance.

Anyway, those were just a couple continued encouragements from the Lord that He sees me, my hurt, pain, grief. I'm so thankful.
I also got to rest since I had off on Wednesday and it felt so good to just sleep for twelve hours, clean up my house and my room, and to get some rest (though I didn't get to really rest cause I went straight to our ESL class- which I need to update about too).

And tonight I finally saw October Baby which I've been wanting to see forever and had tickets to a free screening (but it ended up being the night my sister got her appendix out so I couldn't go). Anyway, it's a Christian movie, so I'm never going into it expecting an Academy Award winning film or anything, but for being a Christian film- the movie was very well done. Of course there's the corny scenes and awkward Christian homeschooling lines every so often, but I was impressed for the most part with the making of the film. And I cried, of course. It's worth seeing and supporting- and my favorite part about it is that Gianna Jessen (my hero/role model at life) sings in the film and is actually the inspiration for the directors for the film.

fi
Anyway- if you don't know anything at Gianna, google her- she's an amazing Christian/ pro-life activist/ an actual abortion survivor (as in her mother tried to abort her but she survived).
I think taking care of my grandmom has made me value life more than ever. Every life is beautiful is the campaign basically behind the film, and I think more than every the value of life is truly at stake in this generation and culture. A baby in the womb is not considered life; and having taken care of my grandmom and dealing with geriatric doctors and the healthcare field, I've discovered how many people don't consider the elderly as worthy of life either. It's scary. Where do the lines get drawn? If you haven't watched this documentary I would totally recommend it.
Life is so valuable- my life is so valuable- your life is so valuable- that God send His only Son to die on a cross- that we could have eternal life.

College and Career

His Love.

8:43:00 PM

Grieving is so weird. I don't know if it's all just amplified because I'm tired and really didn't get any down time this weekend, or if it's because I wasn't getting into the Word as much, but it's been really really hard lately. I can't believe it's actually how people said it would be- it just hits you out of nowhere. Pushing a cart of clothes at my job. Turning on the tv and seeing Wheel of Fortune on. Meeting my friend's German fiancee. Seeing my aunt I haven't seen since the funeral. Driving, eating, going to bed, waking up. But it's not the missing grandmom that is the hardest. It's this guilt. It hits me so hard. And I know it's not from the Lord. Anyway, last night I was at my church's young adult group Bible study and it was so hard for some odd reason (and I really do believe part of it is how tired I was yesterday), but I couldn't stop thinking about my grandmom being in pain and me not being able to do anything, or her mouth being dry, or her being hungry, or her laying in her wet diaper. And I felt so guilty. And I kept thinking I should ask someone to pray for me. But I just kept avoiding it and trying to talk myself through it. The irony was our study was about relationships and how God made us to need each other. And I was going to try to pull through this one alone. Anyway, I kept trying to meet new people and minister to other people- and I was just exhausted. And I was finishing up cleaning up the food when my sweet friend Chantale asked if we could pray. It was like a breath of fresh air to be asked that. I'm just so blessed how sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading this sweet sister is! Anyway, I told her what was going on (just about losing it talking to her and actually letting out what was going on) and then I even tried to ask her what I could pray for her for, but she just wanted to pray for me. The Lord knew I couldn't minister to anyone if I wasn't allowing myself to be ministered to. And the Lord just spoke to me that He is the God who sees- He sees my hurt and pain and all of it- and He sent a sister to be a vessel of His love for me. He loves me. I'm not worthy of an ounce or it. And yet He loves me and sees me and is so sweet to meet with me and draw near to me. What an amazing awesome God!

grandmom

Megathrifts and grieving

11:54:00 PM

Well I finished my third week of work today. Basically I'm exhausted but my body is getting used to been physically exerted everyday as opposed to the last four years where all it did was sit around with grandmom and drink coffee. I'm still loving it. Today we moved from the warehouse we've been working out of into the actual store (which is insanely huge. Megathrift is no exaggeration. We will be having a cafe in it once we're zoned for it!) So today was craziness, packing and moving and unpacking, but it's so exciting to be in something like this from the beginning. And the Lord knew I'd love it and need to be in something like this from the start because if I stepped into this in a few months when this locomotion is in full swing, I would be way to intimidated to even accept this job! His timing is perfect! I have really great coworkers and even the ones that I struggle with, the Lord has given me a check in my spirit when I complain or get annoyed and His eyes to see them the way He sees- we're a hodge podge of broken stories and crazy pasts and the Lord saw fit to put us all together- and the 25 new employees starting on Monday! Oh Lord, for Your grace!

I'm still grieving. I don't know why I even say that. I think maybe it's cause I forget that I am so I get really confused by it myself. I miss her. I don't say it a lot because missing her is like a part of breathing lately (rereading this- that may be a little overdramatic to say- my point is that it's just a very natural part of who I am). And I'm in a strange stage of my grieving where I have a lot of guilt...I don't know. I know it's the Enemy so I have to check myself. I just feel bad- was she in pain? Was she suffering? Was it my fault? Why did I leave her sleeping in her pee? Why wasn't I a better caregiver. And sure, I know i'm human, I know the Lord's so gracious to me. And I know this is just another part of the grieving process and my own mentalness I need to work out with the Lord. He's so good and I know He isn't counting all of my failings- they are washed in Jesus's precious blood. All of my selfishness and stupidness and falling short. And this isn't a post where I want people to tell me how great I was at taking care of her- The Lord was gracious- but I know there is more I could have done. I know I fell short. I know I could have taken care of her better and not been so lazy. But the Lord is kind to me. So kind. So loving. And she's whole now. I'm so thankful. But this is just another thing I need to lay before the Lord and look in faith at Christ and all He accomplished for me and grandmom. Even though I failed so much and fell so short, I am His. Praise Him!

Anyway, my aunt (grandmom's oldest daughter) and uncle are up to visit because my uncle's mom just died (the crazy red haired one that grandmom and I used to go to tea with). It's making me miss grandmom more I think. And we're discussing her and grandpop's burial arrangements (we still haven't even gotten my grandmom's urn from the funeral home yet...woops) and what we're gonna do (since we still need to bury them both). It's real. Anyway, I'm exhausted and should have gone to bed hours ago...working life! haha, I really do love it though!