4 Months.

10:30:00 PM

Well, to be perfectly honest I have had a really hard time lately. Everything people have ever tried to warn me grieving was is actually what grieving is. Sometimes I'm just sad. Sometimes I just lay in my bed and cry because I'm just plain sad. Sometimes I hurt in just a really deep place inside of me that physically makes me feel ill. I finally brought up at our girl's study the other night that I needed prayer for my grieving and strangely since then it got harder. I don't know if it was me actually admitting to myself that I was having a hard time that opened up the can of worms that has been my emotions the past couple days. I don't know if it's just that I knew today was coming up and just facing that it's been four months was just hard for me. I don't really know and maybe that's been the hardest part- I just don't really understand. Because I know so much. I know where my grandmom is. I know that is was her time to go. I know that I need to go to Jesus with my hurt. I know that He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. I know that He's a loving God, that He has good plans for me, that He wants to meet with me, that it was needful for me for grandmom to go. And that's why when I'm just sad, and emotional, and hurting, that I just find my own emotions soooo confusing. Because I don't understand why I feel the way I feel.
Tonight we talked about taking every thought captive at prayer. And also about surrender. There's such a temptation to let my hurt and pain control me. My sad thoughts and sorrow to rule in my life and captivate me. But Jesus gives me the power to take every thought captive- to take them to Him. To not bear these burdens myself. To go to the One who wept. And Also I realized I needed to really surrender grandmom to Him. I cannot hold onto her. I keep giving her to Him and taking her back which is just so stupid since she's gone. But it's this idea of her and who she was and who I still want her to be for me. But all that I want her to be is actually what I need God to be for me. He's my source, my life, my joy, my sustenance, my comfort, my everything. He is the Lord who doesn't change, therefore I am not consumed. 

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because ofthe surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10  that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead."12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained.17 Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. 18 For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19  Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body,by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. " Philippians 3:7-21

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