A Life After Death

I feel crazy. I need an outlet. Right now. I don't know how to love. How to be loved. How to care. How to lay down my life, my desires, my comfort- for anyone. How to want to do that. Oh Lord, I know to pray this prayer is dangerous in a sense. But I know that there is no safer place than to be near your heart- and You love, you love better than anyone and you command love- command it- and so I do pray. Teach me to love. I know it's worth it. And to be loved is worth it. Oh to be loved- to let myself be loved- even by You. By You most of all. enlarge my heart in the only way You can. To love is to allow hurt and pain, to allow suffering, death- it's like a seed must die to bear fruit- and I want the fruit of Your Holy Spirit in my life and that fruit is love. And if I don't love I am nothing. I'm so selfish. Oh cause me to die. To love. To open up my heart. To stop holding onto my life before I lose it.

I wrote this prayer on Sunday May 13th. It literally was my heart exploding into my journal to the Lord as I sat in church that Sunday morning. I can barely remember why or if there was a situation that actually stirred this prayer into being or if it was just an accumulation of my entire life and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I found this today. The Lord has answered this prayer a million times over. He's opening up my heart in a way that only He can. I've put up a million walls and guarded myself and only let people in a little bit, but He's literally just breaking it all down that He can work in my life. I'm finally sharing my life with people. I don't even understand it all. But He's working and moving and I'm scared half to death but then perfect love casts out all fear and He loves me perfectly. And to be honest, it almost doesn't matter if people hurt me or let me down or whatever because the Lord has called me to die. To die to this life. To die to myself. Cause I don't want to remain alone. And I want Him to be glorified.

“Cry aloud; do not hold back;
lift up your voice like a trumpet;
declare to my people their transgression,
to the house of Jacob their sins.
2 Yet they seek me daily
and delight to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that did righteousness
and did not forsake the judgment of their God;
they ask of me righteous judgments;
they delight to draw near to God.
3 ‘Why have we fasted, and you see it not?
Why have we humbled ourselves, and you take no knowledge of it?’
Behold, in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure,[a]
and oppress all your workers.
4 Behold, you fast only to quarrel and to fight
and to hit with a wicked fist.
Fasting like yours this day
will not make your voice to be heard on high.
5 Is such the fast that I choose,
a day for a person to humble himself?
Is it to bow down his head like a reed,
and to spread sackcloth and ashes under him?
Will you call this a fast,
and a day acceptable to the Lord?
6 “Is not this the fast that I choose:
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed[b] go free,
and to break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
8 Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you;
the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.
9 Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer;
you shall cry, and he will say, ‘Here I am.’
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
10 if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.
11 And the Lord will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.
12 And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
the restorer of streets to dwell in.
13 “If you turn back your foot from the Sabbath,
from doing your pleasure[c] on my holy day,
and call the Sabbath a delight
and the holy day of the Lord honorable;
if you honor it, not going your own ways,
or seeking your own pleasure,[d] or talking idly;[e]
14 then you shall take delight in the Lord,
and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth;[f]
I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father,
for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”

There's a million things the Lord is showing me and revealing and speaking to my heart. One of them is that I don't need to be "ready" to step into whatever He has for me. I just need to follow Him and obey Him and trust Him to supply every need whenever the need is there. I love Him. I need Him so much.


"Our Lord makes a disciple His own possession, He becomes responsible for Him. 'Ye shall be my witnesses unto Me.' The Spirit that comes in is not doing anything for Jesus, but of being a perfect delight to Him. The secret of the missionary is- I am His and He is carrying out His enterprises through me.
Be entirely His."
- Oswald Chambers

" After [Pilate] had said this, he went back outside to the Jews and told them, "I find no guilt in Him [Jesus]" (John 18:38)

"Pilate went out to them again and said to them, "See, I am bringing no Him out to you that you may know that I find no guilt in Him" (John 19:4)

Pilate said to them, "Take him yourselves and crucify Him, for I find no guilt in Him" (John 19:6)

Jesus never sinned. But He was the pure, examined, sacrificial lamb, who took my guilt. He bore my shame. He carried my sin. Praise Him! I'm so thankful lately for Christ's sacrifice for me. I can't handle His love for me. It's literally so overwhelming I don't really know what to do but thank Him and say how great He is. I'm so thankful.

 

Now read their blog. You know how when you crush a rose the fragrance comes out. Or wine is made from pressed grapes. Yeah. The fragrance of Christ, the joy in the midst of suffering and pain, Living waters- the surpassing worth of knowing Christ- it all basically just exudes from this blog. It's like touching holy moments in the life of this couple and they share them with us. Check it out.

"If we make secondary things primary, they cease to be secondary and become idolatrous. They have their place. But they are not first, and they are not guaranteed. Life is precarious, and even if it is long by human standards, it is short. “What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes” (James 4:14). “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring” (Prov. 27:1).So it is with marriage. It is a momentary gift. It may last a lifetime, or it may be snatched away on the honeymoon. Either way, it is short. It may have many bright days, or it may be covered with clouds. If we make secondary things primary, we will be embittered at the sorrows we must face. But if we set our face to make of marriage mainly what God designed it to be, no sorrows and no calamities can stand in our way. Every one of them will be, not an obstacle to success, but a way to succeed. The beauty of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church shines brightest when nothing but Christ can sustain it.
Very soon the shadow will give way to Reality. The partial will pass into the Perfect. The foretaste will lead to the Banquet. The troubled path will end in Paradise. A hundred candle-lit evenings will come to their consummation in the marriage supper of the Lamb. And this momentary marriage will be swallowed up by Life. Christ will be all and in all. And the purpose of marriage will be complete.
To that end may God give us eyes to see what matters most in this life. May the Holy Spirit, whom he sends, make his crucified and risen Son the supreme Treasure of our lives. And may that Treasure so satisfy our souls that the root of every marriage-destroying impulse is severed. And may the marriage-watching world be captivated by the covenant- keeping love of Christ."- John Piper

Well, to be perfectly honest I have had a really hard time lately. Everything people have ever tried to warn me grieving was is actually what grieving is. Sometimes I'm just sad. Sometimes I just lay in my bed and cry because I'm just plain sad. Sometimes I hurt in just a really deep place inside of me that physically makes me feel ill. I finally brought up at our girl's study the other night that I needed prayer for my grieving and strangely since then it got harder. I don't know if it was me actually admitting to myself that I was having a hard time that opened up the can of worms that has been my emotions the past couple days. I don't know if it's just that I knew today was coming up and just facing that it's been four months was just hard for me. I don't really know and maybe that's been the hardest part- I just don't really understand. Because I know so much. I know where my grandmom is. I know that is was her time to go. I know that I need to go to Jesus with my hurt. I know that He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. I know that He's a loving God, that He has good plans for me, that He wants to meet with me, that it was needful for me for grandmom to go. And that's why when I'm just sad, and emotional, and hurting, that I just find my own emotions soooo confusing. Because I don't understand why I feel the way I feel.
Tonight we talked about taking every thought captive at prayer. And also about surrender. There's such a temptation to let my hurt and pain control me. My sad thoughts and sorrow to rule in my life and captivate me. But Jesus gives me the power to take every thought captive- to take them to Him. To not bear these burdens myself. To go to the One who wept. And Also I realized I needed to really surrender grandmom to Him. I cannot hold onto her. I keep giving her to Him and taking her back which is just so stupid since she's gone. But it's this idea of her and who she was and who I still want her to be for me. But all that I want her to be is actually what I need God to be for me. He's my source, my life, my joy, my sustenance, my comfort, my everything. He is the Lord who doesn't change, therefore I am not consumed. 

^" But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸ Indeed, I count everything as loss because ofthe surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— ¹⁰  that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.^"12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. ¹³ Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. ¹⁵ Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.¹⁶ Only let us hold true to what we have attained.¹⁷ Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. ¹⁸ For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. ¹⁹  Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. ²⁰ But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body,by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. " Philippians 3:7-21

One of the top things I miss most about my grandmom is just climbing into her bed and laying by her side. Honestly, I spent so many hours just laying in her bed and watching tv with her or playing on the computer or taking pictures together.  I just really miss her. And I don't really have an outlet for it. We haven't buried her yet (actually, her urn is hopefully still at the funeral home- we actually haven't gone to get it yet...woops) and so when I miss her there's really nowhere to go as like an outlet. I've taken over her room. I don't really have a special 'thing' that reminds me of her. To be honest, this blog is like the closest thing I have to something tangible that 'connects' me to her. But I think that's really the Lord- because I can't hold onto her. I can't draw close to her through these things- because she's not in them- she's in Heaven! She's not here. She's not in a room, or in the ground, or even in the marble urn (well, hopefully she's in the marble urn- wherever that is...), she's with Jesus. And I'm looking forward in faith to the day when I'll see her again. That's the reality of it. That's my hope. And the Lord is so good to me. He wants to comfort me and for me to draw near to Him and lean on His breast and find all comfort from Him. He took my grandmom from my side so I can just lay at His side and find my rest in Him. Grandmom's presence cannot comfort me because she is not here. Praise Jesus for His Presence in my life.