11:52:00 PM

I feel crazy. I need an outlet. Right now. I don't know how to love. How to be loved. How to care. How to lay down my life, my desires, my comfort- for anyone. How to want to do that. Oh Lord, I know to pray this prayer is dangerous in a sense. But I know that there is no safer place than to be near your heart- and You love, you love better than anyone and you command love- command it- and so I do pray. Teach me to love. I know it's worth it. And to be loved is worth it. Oh to be loved- to let myself be loved- even by You. By You most of all. enlarge my heart in the only way You can. To love is to allow hurt and pain, to allow suffering, death- it's like a seed must die to bear fruit- and I want the fruit of Your Holy Spirit in my life and that fruit is love. And if I don't love I am nothing. I'm so selfish. Oh cause me to die. To love. To open up my heart. To stop holding onto my life before I lose it.
I wrote this prayer on Sunday May 13th. It literally was my heart exploding into my journal to the Lord as I sat in church that Sunday morning. I can barely remember why or if there was a situation that actually stirred this prayer into being or if it was just an accumulation of my entire life and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I found this today. The Lord has answered this prayer a million times over. He's opening up my heart in a way that only He can. I've put up a million walls and guarded myself and only let people in a little bit, but He's literally just breaking it all down that He can work in my life. I'm finally sharing my life with people. I don't even understand it all. But He's working and moving and I'm scared half to death but then perfect love casts out all fear and He loves me perfectly. And to be honest, it almost doesn't matter if people hurt me or let me down or whatever because the Lord has called me to die. To die to this life. To die to myself. Cause I don't want to remain alone. And I want Him to be glorified.

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