I went on the jr high retreat this weekend. It was lovely- well, other than jr high boys who don't wear deodorant and the girl's who love them...but overall I was truly blessed. I hope the kid's got as much out of it as I did.
We had a guest musician named Quimi who was such an encouragement in just her whole personality and love of God and her music. She shared with us about her cousin Mo who she was very very close to (they are the same age) and about how a year ago he was in a car accident and was in a coma for seven months. And she showed pictures of him and his progress while playing one of her songs and I won't lie that it brought back a lot of painful memories that I have pushed down over the past year. At this time last year I was visiting a ventilator assisted hospital where my grandfather was using a feeding tube and had a tube down his throat so he could breathe. That hospital is probably one of the most awful depressing places on earth because that is what every single person looks like who is admitted.
Mo had a breathing tube down his throat in many of the pictures and it hurt a lot to see that again. But as I watched his progress and videos of Quimi and her family singing and playing guitar in his hospital room. And watching his one eye open (the other doesn't open) and him starting to be able to move and lift his head, but still knowing he will probably never be the basketball player he once was, I saw that his life was still worth something.
God doesn't want to use just those of us with two arms and two legs and two eyes and those of us who can hear and who can talk and who can walk. He isn't limited to just using those of us who have complete mental capacity and those of us who are young and mobile. He isn't confined to making use of the beautiful and the thin and the talented. All of our lives are of worth to God- no matter what the world said.
People questioned Quimi's families' decision to keep going with Mo and they all felt so bad for him- because to the world, his life was no longer of worth. He could no longer lead a full life- the "American dream"- getting married and getting a job and having kids. But his life was still worth something.
And I think that was something God needed to show me about my grandmom. I've had the same idea as the world for a long time- that her life was no longer "worth" anything and that she might as well just die now that she is crazy. My family always jokes about it- but we were wrong. She still has a life to live- God still has a purpose for her on this earth, especially now that she is His daughter. He brought her back out of the hospital and basically to her full physical capacity that she had had before. He still wants to use her to serve Him in her last days- just because she has dementia doesn't mean her life is worthless to God. And it should not be worthless to me.
I've asked God lately to show me more clearly how I can serve here at home- outside of cooking and cleaning and the like. What can I do? And I feel like this weekend He has shown me that part of what I need to do here is to help my grandmom serve Him- to enable her to be used by Him in her old age. I really don't know what that looks like or what it means, but I know that I am called to serve Him by serving her and encouraging her to serve Him. I'm excited.
Another idea I had was maybe that I could go back to Redeemer hospital (the hospital my grandfather died in) and see how I can serve there. Maybe they would let me read to the patients from the Bible or encourage families...a lot of people die in that hospital- four in my grandfather's room alone for the couple of months he was there. What an opportunity. But we'll see.
I'm excited for what God is doing in my family. I've prayed for God to cause me to love and serve my family since I was fourteen and now six years later God has changed my heart- purposed me to love them- given me the desire and will and ability to do it.
My dad's construction company is basically failing. Who knows when they will file for bankruptcy and my dad will be unemployed. It could be any day or week or month now. But I'm not scared. Maybe because I don't realize the reality of it and what it would really mean for my family to not have any money. But I think it's because God has given me peace and an expectancy that He is going to work in my family and if that means my dad losing his job than so be it...but most of all i want the Lord's will to be done in my home and my life. His plans are so much greater than ours.