A Life After Death

Seriously, I'm so blessed. Thanks for everyone who is praying for us. Grandmom's had a very good couple days- eating well and drinking well again. She even sang "O tennanbaum" today! It's the little things! She's been very talkative and alert. The only worry right now is she really hasn't been peeing regularly, which may be because she barely ate or drank for a week, but she's drunk a good amount the last couple days and barely went the last couple days. So we'll see- but as of right now, Lord willing, she'll be doing okay and even good for Christmas. So I'm very thankful.

In other news, my grandmom got a 2nd Zebra Finch for Christmas from my mom, and I think this one is a female...baby zebra finches? uh oh.... Also, she's speaking, and I asked her what she wanted to name them and she said "Jim and Alice" (my grandpop's dead sister and brother-in-law!) which was super random.

Our cat has also planted itself in grandmom's room recently, which is different... We're kinda nervous cause we've heard of a nursing home where they have this cat that plants itself in rooms of patients who are dying because it just can sense that they are going...but the cat could also just really like grandmom and the zebra finches!

Anyway, it really doesn't feel like Christmas is coming- but it is and hopefully it'll be a nice quiet (as quiet as my family could possibly be!) holiday. The Lord is so good to me and my family.

My sister and I visited her on Christmas. We played Christmas charades and sang "O Tennanbaum."
My grandmom survived that Christmas and miraculously came home in January, and began walking, talking, singing, laughing, and was back to her old crazy self- healthy- but demented.

Since then Grandma and I have celebrated every Christmas, getting ourselves a tree, making a happy little home in our part of the house.

Last Christmas, we took my grandmom over my other grandparents on Christmas Eve. She could no longer walk because of her dislocated hip. My dad carried her into their house and sat her in the recliner. We were all together eating ham sandwiches. She wanted to go home. My grandparents shared a little wine with her. We had a lovely evening. Christmas Day she was incredible. I hadn't seen her so good in forever. She knew who she was and sort of who we were and where she was. She ate prime rib. It was a beautiful day.

This Christmas: my grandmom hasn't eaten in days. Nothing more than a little glass of orange juice and a few bites of mashed up chicken pot pie. I've thrown out  bowls and bowls  of oatmeal and yogurt and puddings that she won't eat. She just won't open her mouth.
All her little needlepoints she worked so hard on every year are on shelves and hanging on the tree- now she can't even open her hands. They're clenched up and her one fingernail is dead.
I want to sing O Tennanbaum. She doesn't speak.

I know I've said every Christmas that this would be her last. We celebrated every year like it was, trying to make it special for us and for her.
And this Christmas will be the same. We'll celebrate it like it's her last, and try to make it special for us and for her.
If you think please pray for my mom. Watching her mom not eat has been really hard for her. For some reason I feel really detached and unemotional about it- and maybe that's just the Lord's grace cause I've got to deal with it, but for my mom it's been really wearing. Please and Thanks!



christmas 09 (ignore the date on the photo...)



Christmas '10



christmas 2011



she still smiles <3

This website right here is amazing- It's a map that indicates people visiting a Global Media Outreach website and also indicates if they make a decision to accept Jesus Christ as their Saviour. It's beautiful.

Global Media Outreach is, according to their website, "a global ministry presenting the good news of Jesus Christ online 24/7. Our goal is to stay on the cutting edge of global communication technologies to share Jesus and help believers grow in their faith worldwide."

So...I deleted my facebook. So hopefully I'll be around here a little more. I'd rather pour into this and reflect on some substance than to get stuck mindlessly scrolling through facebook posts about Justin Bieber and those every annoying "tbh"'s...

Anyway, was feeling a twinge of anxiety coming on as I went to climb into bed tonight. Went to the word for some comfort and picked up Spurgeon Morning and Evening and for some reason thought it was the 8th (even though I was just at church and wrote the 12/7 on my notes)- anyway, it was Divine, because what a comfort this Evening was:

"Thou, O God, hast prepared of thy goodness for the poor." — Psalm 68:10

All God’s gifts are prepared gifts laid up in store for wants foreseen. He anticipates our needs; and out of the fulness which He has treasured up in Christ Jesus, He provides of His goodness for the poor. You may trust Him for all the necessities that can occur, for He has infallibly foreknown every one of them. He can say of us in all conditions, “I knew that thou wouldst be this and that.” A man goes a journey across the desert, and when he has made a day’s advance, and pitched his tent, he discovers that he wants many comforts and necessaries which he has not brought in his baggage. “Ah!” says he, “I did not foresee this: if I had this journey to go again, I should bring these things with me, so necessary to my comfort.” But God has marked with prescient eye all the requirements of His poor wandering children, and when those needs occur, supplies are ready. It is goodness which He has prepared for the poor in heart, goodness and goodness only. “My grace is sufficient for thee.” “As thy days, so shall thy strength be.”



Reader, is your heart heavy this evening? God knew it would be; the comfort which your heart wants is treasured in the sweet assurance of the text. You are poor and needy, but He has thought upon you, and has the exact blessing which you require in store for you. Plead the promise, believe it and obtain its fulfillment. Do you feel that you never were so consciously vile as you are now? Behold, the crimson fountain is open still, with all its former efficacy, to wash your sin away. Never shall you come into such a position that Christ cannot aid you. No pinch shall ever arrive in your spiritual affairs in which Jesus Christ shall not be equal to the emergency, for your history has all been foreknown and provided for in Jesus.

Anyway, I'm thankful for a God who knows my needs and can supply each and every one of them. He knew I'd lay down with a heavy heart, and He knew I'd pick up Spurgeon and read the wrong evening and recieve exactly what He has for me. Thank you Lord for going before me this evening and paving the way...

Some things convicting me lately:

• A recent post from my church's Sr High Youth Group's blog:

Introspection…

Here are 25 killer questions one brother in Christ would ask himself regularly. I hope they are as challenging and convicting to you as they are to me!



1) Am I consciously or unconsciously creating the impression that I am a better person than I am? Am I a hypocrite?



2) Am I a slave to dress, friends, work, or habits?



3) Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?



4) Can I be trusted?



5) Do I confidentially pass on to another what was told to me in confidence?



6) Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?



7) Did the Bible live to me today?



8) Do I give the Bible time to speak to me everyday?



9) Am I enjoying prayer?



10) When did I last to speak with somebody else with the intention to win them to Christ?



11) Am I making contacts with other people and using them for the Master’s glory?



12) Do I pray about the money I spend?



13) Do I get to bed in time and get up in time?



14) Do I willingly or unwillingly disobey God in anything?



15) Do I insist upon doing something about which my conscience is uneasy?



16) Am I defeated in any part of my life: jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy, distrustful, or complaining?



17) How do I spend my spare time?



18) Am I proud?



19) Is there anybody whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold resentment toward, or disregard? If so what am I doing about it?



20) Do I grumble or complain constantly?



21) How have I responded to buffeting or trials?



22) When was the last time I sat down with the main goal to simply thank or praise my Savior?



23) When I have a problem do I use my tongue or my knees?



24) Is there anyone I fear, dislike, criticize, or resent? If so, what am I doing about it?



25) Is Christ real to me?

• This Wednesday night message on 2 Chronicles 15-16 about King Asa not relying on the Lord, but relying on his flesh. Though he had great victories early on in his life when he relied on the Lord, He didn't head the warning of the Lord, and in the end of his life relied on himself, his own resources, and it still looked like he was succeeding. But his stubborness, pride, and self reliance darkened the end of his life. He may have never turned to idols, but he still failed to seek the Lord. And its so sad because " the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to give support to those whose heart is blameless toward Him" (16:9)

• Proverbs 13:4 "The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied. "

So my grandma's got some cold/cough/wheezy issue she's been dealing with the last couple days.
Well anyway, I just heard on the news that :
1. new research shows tylenol can make people with ashtma have issues
2. new research shows air freshners cause people with ashtma to have issues
I think my caregiving life is just a lose-lose situation. Tylenol= helps with pain, arthritis. Tylenol= asthma. Air freshners= air free of poopy diaper smell. Air freshener= ashtma.
Great.
Caregiver Fail.

In other news this verse really is a breath of fresh air: check it out- "And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life." 1 John 5:20 Wow.

I just discovered I could share videos from facebook on here...And if this is a chronicle of grandmom and my life, I feel the need to post probably the greatest video of my grandmom's existense. I love her and as nice as it is that's she chill not, quietly lies in bed all day, and never tries to run away (cause she can't)- I seriously miss this-

She was on prednisone. It made her hyper.
She's my favorite.
Here's some other one's that are super precious

I serve a really really incredible God. Like, the more I know about Him, the more I love Him. Who He is, His character and attributes are so incredible.
But the thing that blows my mind the most is always His love for weak vessels. If you've been in the church for any amount of time, you've probably noticed that in the Body of Christ there are a lot of people who are saved with mental illness, social ineptness, aren't beautiful by the world's standards, and the list could go on to describe that the world would deam "unworthy" of their time or attention (and sometimes, even unworthy to live). And I'm not saying I'm above any of this- I told my parents I needed a psychiatrist when I was in 3rd grade. I'm the weakest vessel there probably is out there!
But seriously, there are people who have true issues, who are saved and blood bought. And God is so gracious as to save any of us, but what kind of a God goes out of His way to send His Son to earth to save people who can offer Him nothing (by the world's standards of things)? I know i've written on this a lot here because of how God has just blown my mind with saving my grandmom in her old age, frailty of mind and all. But I can't stop meditating on this part of God's character.
And this past weekend I was reading in 1 Corinthians 12:21-26

"The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.”  On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another.  If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together."

"the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indespensable"
Woah. Not only does God save "weaker" people, but in His awesomeness- He has made them indespensable to our body. Wow.
That is an incredible God. He doesn't just use the beautiful? The smart? The funny? The ones who can speak? The ones who have full use of their bodily functions? The ones with full use of their mind?  He actually has made these "weaker" vessels part of the Body and somehow has made us need them.
I love God.
Seriously, our world does not think like this? I've only begun even somewhat thinking this way the last couple years. Lord, please continue to renew my mind and get that old way of thinking out. That when I see the weaker vessels in the body, when thier "inadequacies" frustrate me, oh that I would look with Your eyes, Your love, Your heart toward them! That I would see my need for them!

The Lord is moving. And I truly believe whatever it is He is doing, He is doing it in the Body. Ephesians has been blowing my mind lately:

"For through Him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father.  So then you are no longer strangers and aliens,  but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God,  built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord.  In Him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by  the Spirit."- Ephesians 2:18-22

God in us? God dwelling in us? I think there's a reality of what I have In Christ that I haven't grasped yet, and I know that it's something the Lord wants to reveal to me as I seek Him on my knees. And there's a "building together" that He wants to do and something He wants to work in us together.
All of us, the "stronger" alongside the "weaker"- because, honestly, it's only In Christ that any of us are anything. Our own righteousness is filthy rags. The genius would burn alongside the down syndrome child if God had not made a way for us to be saved.

Anyway, I'm learning to really appreciate the weaker members of the Body. And, no, I will not pretend that sometimes it's still not hard to love those who (in the world's standards of things) can offer me nothing. But honestly, the more I'm around, and challenged, and transformed by interacting with these members of the Body, the more blessed I am and I'm honesly grateful for them.
And yes, they stir me up to praise a Great God like ours who sent His son that "whosoever believeth in Him would not perish but have everlasting life" John 3:16.

Yeah, another post about faith. Sorry, its everywhere! And well, i think that's a good thing since we're called to a life of faith...

my friend sara got me that mug for my birthday and i haven't been able to stop thinking about that verse all day

Galation 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me"
Thoughts: Since my life has died with Christ, my life is no longer dependent on who I am or on what I can do int he flesh. It is dependent on who Jesus is and what He can do. (And how sweet the added part describing part of who He is that I am putting my faith in -"who loved me and gave Himself for me"!!! If there's an doubt in whether I can trust Him- doesn't that verse just diminish every worry. Who better to fully rely, depend, trust in than the One "who loved me and gave Himself for me")

I want to live a life of faith. A life not based on my weakness, on my failure, on my limitations but on Jesus' strength, faithfulness, power, might- a life based on His love- for me- and His love for others.
My love for others should never be dependent on my love for them- but on Jesus' love for them which is limitless, totally selfless, totally perfect.
A life not based on my righteousness, but on His righteousness.
"Nothing but 'full assurance of faith' on the precious blood shed for you on Calvary can give you this boldness" [speaking about the boldness in desiring that God's eyes always be upon you and to search you through and through] -Susannah Spurgeon It takes faith to be that vulnerable and we all know how i struggle with that.

I've reread a biography many times on a man named Bruce Olsen (called Bruchko). He was a missionary in South America to an unreached tribe who had never heard the gospel/has a Bible in their language. He was trying to explain concepts like "faith" and "incarnation" in their language. The picture/way he described faith to his friend was the same word for "suspending your hammock strings." In the communal home you would tie up your hammock in a high rafter and trust that that rafter would hold you up. When Bruce first came to live in the communal home, he asked his friend if he could somehow sleep in his hammock with one foot on the floor because he didn't trust it to hold him up. His friend laughed and told him he would need to 'suspend his hammock strings' and that was what Bruce ended up telling his friend he would have to do in Jesus.
I've always loved that picture- to fully rely on Him, to fully trust in Him, to fully "suspend" myself in Him. He's able to hold me up. To put all my stake in Him. To risk all in Him. Not having any reliance in myself and my ability. In my righteousness. In my love. In my faithfulness. In my understanding. God told us not to rely on our our own understanding! But in all my ways to acknowledge Him! I put my faith in Christ for my salvation, should I not also put my faith in Him for this life? On how to live this life. On how to bring Him glory.

I could sit here for hours and list to you all the very legitimate reasons I can not bring God glory in my life. All my faults. All my inadequacies. Why he cannot possible use my life.
And then I could also sit here for hours and list to you about an Almighty God who is able move mountains, bring water from rocks, make donkeys speak, and the list goes on and on and on (I know there is a book with 66 chapters that will tell you all about it), and when I put my faith in that God, than I'm excited and anticipating what He is going  to do to bring Himself glory.

That picture of water from a rock is a theme that has come up over and over in my daily Bible reading.  I know Jesus Christ is that rock in the Old testament. But I also think the Lord is showing me through it that He loves to do "impossible things." Water doesn't come from a rock. Especially a rock in the middle of the wilderness. But it did. It's impossible for my life to bring forth anything in myself. Honestly, I am the worst person ever. But when "it is not longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me"- than praise Him-  "He that believeth on Me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water."  John 7:38


I'm excited for this life of faith. Be magnified, O Lord.


"My hope lives not because I am a sinner, but because I am a sinner for whom christ died; my trust is not that I am holy, but that being unholy He is my righteousness. My faith rests not upon what I am, or shall be, or feel, or know, but in what Christ is, in what He has done, and in what He is now doing for me" C.H Spurgeon Morning and Evening Sept 25th

I mentioned this man about a year ago, you can find his full story at this website:
http://presenttruthmn.com/the-ministry/youcef-nadarkhani/

To sum it up- he's a pastor from Iran who is facing the death sentence for apostasy (changing religions from Islam to Christianity). He's been imprisoned since October 2009. He has a wife and two sons (7 and 9).
He's up for re-examination on the 25th (in Iran, but in America it'll be the 24th).
So would you please pray for our brother tomorrow- Hebrews 13:3 "Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body."

until then I'll continue to steal others!
hey, can you blame me- maybe one day after years of walking with Jesus, going through the fire, and coming out as gold, I'll have something maybe near Susannah Spurgeon worthy to say, but until then:

When I read these wonderful words, this morning there came to me, quick as lightning flash, the solemn question, 'Soul, is this beauty now resting on you and on all your daily life? Alas! there was no reply by speech or voice, but a bowed head, and silent lips, and the inward sighing of a convicted yet penitent heart, gave the only possible answer.

Then I sat down before the Lord, wondering and ashamed, and the multitude of my thoughts within me took the following form and fashion: father, you know that I covet earnestly the loveliness of sanctification and would gladly obey your command to be holy; and if longings after complete surrender to you would avail to secure this special grace, I should possess it. What is it that so constantly defeats my purpose, and foils my efforts, and prevents the fulfillment of my most devout desire?

Dear Master, if your will concerning me be my sanctification, why is that will not done more absolutely in me? Can it be that I am unconsciously cherishing something in my hear that hinders the work of your Holy Spirit, and so the blessing you have desired for me does not reach me, because the way is barred by a will not wholly yielded to yours? Or have I been satisfying myself with mere empty desires after conformity to Christ, indulging in poor feeble longings in which there was so much half- heartedness that the Spirit of God was grieved, and would not reveal His power?

 O Lord, pity me, and pardon me! Awaken my soul to an earnest sense of the solemn responsibility involved in belonging to you, and bearing your name! Rouse in me, Lrd, a joyful eagerness to become all that you wish me to be! Fill me with that mighty influence which words in us 'both to will and to do' of your good pleasure! Yes, chasten and afflict me, Lord, if nothing else will serve to make me a partaker of your holiness!

Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us. Dear Father, I must have this blessing. Help me to pray the marvelous prayer intelligently, remembering at what an awful cost you have secured to me an answer and glorifying you for the matchless love which makes me- 

 with His spotless vesture on,

What has God done! I can see, only to plainly, the ugliness and deformity which sin has worked in my nature, and the havoc it has made among all the creatures God has formed for Himself. If it had not been for this deadly thing, we should have borne 'the image of God' even now. Does the lily please for its whiteness, or the tree for its lovely foliage, or the sun for his splendor? No, they are as God made them; they have kept their first estate, and are still 'very good'; but man, sinful man, has fallen and he who was made in the likeness of God is defaced and disfigured by the evil within.

Ah! Dear Lord, when you give us a sight of our own evil heart, we are overwhelmed with horror, and should soon be driven to despair, if only you did not at once turn our eyes to that wondrous hill of Calvary, where One 'altogether lovely' made the great atonement which brought us back to you! That precious blood which cleanses us form all sin restores to us the beauty which sin had forfeited; its royal purple not only covers our disfigurement, but removes it, and bestows upon us the beauty which the Lord looks on with pleasure.

 Oh my soul, do you not desire above all things that this 'beauty of holiness' may be your glorious dress? Then you must keep very close to the Master, shutting the door of your heart to every evil thing, and opening it wide to the incoming of His Holy Spirit, who, in revealing Christ to you, will make you like him. 

An old fable tells how a piece of common clay became sweetly scented by close contact with a rose; the fable will be a happy face in your experience if the Rose of Sharon blooms in your heart, and sheds its fragrance around your life. 'Thine eyes shall see the King in all His beauty,' yes, may God grant it; but the condition is thus expressed- 'Holiness, without which no man can see the Lord'.

Everlasting praises be the the Well-beloved of our soul that his perfect righteousness covers us now, and that in the day when he shall bring us home to 'his Father's house', we shall be 'presented faultless before the Presence of His glory with exceeding joy'! 

 

Have I convinced you yet to buy her morning devotional Free Grace and Dying Love yet???

"Why could not we cast him out? Jesus said unto them, 'Because of your unbelief'" (Matt. 17:19-20)

"Dear Lord, behold, another poor failing disciple comes to you, this morning, with the same pitiful question! I have tried to live for You, and work for You- with honest purpose endeavoring to bless others in Your name, yet, how notable and frequent have been my failures!

Lord, why could I not overcome the sin which so easily beset me? Why could I not check the sharp word on my tongue, and subdue the fierce risings of anger in my heart? Why can I not always walk so near to You that my whole life may be under Your sweet control, and every thought, and deed, and word, be sanctified by Your consent and approval? Why have I not the power to influence and draw others to Your dear feet, that they may find in You, as I have done, 'a very present help in trouble'?

Lord, I know your answer to me will be the same as that to Your first disciples. Sadly and sorrowfully You say, 'Because of your unbelief.'

What a humbling revelation these words convey! My soul, it is but a little while since you rang the joy-bells or faith triumphantly! Has your right hand already lost its skill? Has the wicked unbelief, still lingering within you stopped the glorious music your faith was making, and turned the happy assertion of 'How shall he not!' into the faithless, whining question of 'How shall he?' Satan has taunted you with your unworthiness. But do you think your demerit could hold back the hand from blessing which gave 'His only-begotten Son', or overturn the covenant of grace of which He was made 'Surety' in the days of old? Lord, it is too true that my faith is often bound by the fetters of unbelief, and her wings are clipped, so that she can only painfully attempt to fly heavenward. I know this is the secret cause of many an unanswered prayer, many a failure of service and in holy living.

Now I bring myself to You, as much in need of spiritual healing as the poor lunatic boy had of deliverance from demonic possession. Cast out every evil thing, Lord, and manifest in me 'what is the exceeding greatness of Thy power to us-ward who believe'. You are the Author and Giver of faith; endue me abundantly with this living grace, banish all doubt and mistrust from my heart, that faith may be always rejoicing, always conquering, always  bringing glory to You! 'Lord, I believe; help Thou mine unbelief!' "

Susannah Spurgeon
Morning Devotions Free Grace and Dying Love

I bought my grandmom a little Zebra Finch. She loves it.

she loves it i promise- she just looks unhappy here!

" When you hear this you might say, 'Yes, I can see, but my faith isn't big enough.' However, this is not the time to reflect on your faith. You should look at the Lord.
Once I was waiting at a very primitive bridge in New Zealand. We were traveling by car, but we didn't dare to cross. First, one of the men in the car went to investigate if the bridge was strong enough. It appeared to be strong enough, even though it was very primitive and we crossed without a problem. This man was not investigating our trust in the bridge.
Very often, we tend to look a our faith, and we know our big and strong, or weak and small. BUt we shouldn't investigate our faith; we should investigate the Bridge. We should not rely on ourselves, but on Him. And when we look to Jesus, we know that He is strong."- Corrie ten Boom, I Stand at the Door and Knock.


"How then to have our faith increased? Only by thinking of all that Jesus is, and all He is for us: His life, His death, His work, He Himself as revealed to us in the Word, to be the subject of our constant thoughts. Not a striving to have faith, or to increase our faith, but a looking off the the Faithful One, seems all we need, a resting in the Loved One entirely, for time and for eternity."- John McCarthy in a letter to Hudson Taylor


"Faith, I now see, is the 'substance of things hoped for,' and mere shadow. It is not less than sight, but more. Sight only shows the outward form of things; faith gives the substance. You can rest on substance, feed on substance. Christ dwelling in the heart by faith (ie His word of promise credited) is power indeed, is life indeed. And Christ and sin will not dwell together, nor can we have His presence with love of the world, or carefulness about many things."


"'if we believe, He abideth faithful.' I looked to Jesus and saw (and when I saw, oh how the joy flowed!) that He had said, 'I will never leave you or forsake you!' Ah, there is rest! I thought, I have striven in vain to rest in Him. I'll strive no more, For has He not promised to abide with me never to leave me, never to fail me?"


" As I thought of the vine and the branches what light the blessed Spirit poured into my soul! How great seemed my mistake in having wished to get the fullness out of Him. I saw now only that Jesus would never leave me, but that I was a member of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. The vine, I now see, is not the root merely, but all- root, stem, branches, twigs, leaves, flowers, fruit: And Jesus is not only that: He is oil and sunshine, air and showers and ten thousand time more than we have ever dreamed, wished for or needed. Oh, the joy of this truth!"


"It is a wonderful thing to be really one with a risen and exalted Savior; to be a member of Christ! thing what is involves...
The sweetest part, if one may speak or one part being sweeter than another, is the rest which full identification with christ brings. I am no longer anxious about anything, as I realize this: for He, I know if able to carry out His will, and His will is mine"


- J Hudson Taylor


"Our Lord makes a disciple His own possession, He becomes responsible for Him. 'Ye shall be my witnesses unto Me.' The Spirit that comes in is not doing anything for Jesus, but of being a perfect delight to Him. The secret of the missionary is- I am His and He is carrying out His enterprises through me.
Be entirely His."
- Oswald Chambers

" The ears of my soul are stopped fast, Lord, until You open them. I am deaf, and cannot hear the music of the mercies which are singing around me, like sweet choristers from heaven.

'Cause me to hear.' As You opened the eyes of Elisha's servant, to see You armies of defense and protection for Your prophet, so unclose my ears that the tones of Your still small voice may penetrate to my heart, and thrill it with exceeding joy; or, if I am too deafened by the roar and rush of earth's turmoil and distress, speak more loudly to me, Lord, 'Cause me to hear', lest I should miss the unspeakable privilege of listening to You.

'Thy loving-kindness.' Lord, what unutterable depths of compassion are covered by those two words! Your 'kindness' would be an undeserved mercy; but Your 'loving-kindness' is a miracle of divine condescension and pity. You not only rescue, You embrace; You not only pardon, You espouse; and the robe of Your righteousness, which is wrapped about Your redeemed ones is lined with the soft ermine of your tender mercies. And this for me, Lord, so vile, so unworthy, so often ungrateful and forgetful! What can I say to you for this?

'in the morning'. When all around are sleeping, Lord, waken my heart with Your tender call, uplift my spirit into true fellowship with You. early hours with my God will sanctify the whole day. In my quite time with You, Feather, so fill my soul with the sweet sounds of redeeming grace and pardoning love that, through all the succeeding hours, there may be melody within, and joy too deep and real to be disturbed or broken by any of earth's jarring discords.

'For in Thee do I trust." You know this is true, Lord. My soul rests in You; it lies down on the sure promises of Your Word, and has sweet content. Yea, though this prayer, this desire of my heart to hear Your voice, be not granted today, and you should be silent toward me for a while, it will be but Your way of drawing me closer to You that, in tenderest whispers, You may tell me, 'I have loved thee with an everlasting love.'"

Susannah Spurgeon's meditations on Psalm 143:8 from her devotional Free Grace and Dying Love

John 15:9

I love my grandmom. The Lord has been so gracious to give me her in season. He knows I need visual, tangible things to learn His love. Because He formed me in my mother's womb and knows every hair on my head...He knows how to teach me.
Anyway, I was thinking about how much I love my grandmom. How I just love being with her. How, as annoying sometimes it is to wake up to a poopy diaper, how its honestly not a big deal, because I love her. And sometimes I love just laying next to her in bed, just cause she's there. And sometimes I love to curl her hair and put make up on her because I know she really loves it- even though she doesn't talk anymore. And  I feel compassion for her when she's hurting, when she has a giant infection oozing off her face. I feel compassion for her when she can't open her hands. And I would love to help her and fix her up. But I can't.
And my love for her really isn't dependent on her doing anything. Cause honestly, she just lays in bed all day. She sleeps alot. She doesn't really talk. She sometimes mumbles things. Every so often we get moments of loveliness where she says "oatmeal" or I'll be singing "you are my sunshine" and she says the word "grey" at the right part of the song. And I get so excited that I try to bring my cousin in to appreciate it...and she doesn't because this is the first time she's seen her grandmom in a year and its just not the same. Because an 81 year old woman saying "grey" isn't that exciting for most people.
But I love my grandmom.
And my love for her is really imperfect.
I'm confined to this lazy body of flesh where I oversleep and don't get to caring for her perfectly. And sometimes I'm busy running off to church and stuff so my mom has to feed her. I can't be home 24/7. I don't stay up all night for her.
And sometimes I'm moody. Sometimes I just don't feel like it. And I get annoyed. Sometimes I'm impatient and selfish.

But God loves perfectly.
He never sleeps or grows weary.
He has all power to heal, to bind up the broken, to comfort. His power is unlimited. omnipotent.
He's omnipresent.
He's omniscient- He knows the needs I don't even know I have.

His love for my grandmom is totally perfect- entirely independent of anything she does. He saved her though all she can do for Him is lay in bed all day.
My grandmom will never lead a small group.
She will never serve soup to the homeless.
She'll never go to Sunday night prayer.
She can't even read her Bible.
But God still loves her. He still saved her.
And His love for her is entirely equal to His love for me. So that means that His love for me is entirely independent of what I can do for Him.
What freedom.
And not freedom to sin.
Freedom to be loved. Completely. Entirely. Freely.
Jesus' love for me is entirely dependent on the Father's love for Him. That's how He's loved me. All I'm called to do is abide in that love. For my whole life to flow out of that. The Father loved the Son so much. They were One. For all eternity. And the Son left glory. The Son left glory...

well. God answers prayer. And I really love that about Him, you know, but then I think I might really have to start thinking about what I pray before I pray it, right?
Like, I say these prayers that I think are nice and simple- like, "make me completely dependent on you, Lord" and sometimes I go a little more radical "Lord, shake the things that need to be shaken in my life, that I would only have my foundation in you"...and then, go figure, He goes and does it?

So it's been the craziest couple weeks in my life thus far. And this is coming from a girl whose been to Africa, went to Bible college in England, and did a summer in Europe.

I didn't realize quitting sr high would open up such a crazy can of worms that is the insanity that is my mind and heart. But its been worth it all.

You see, I quit sr high last Saturday/Sunday, went to prayer Sunday night where the Lord truly ministered to my heart and confirmed I was in His will, went to College and Career Monday and really felt such confirmation that yes- I am supposed to be there.  Tuesday night Girl's study confirms it more. And Wednesday night (my first night of no sr high so I went into the sanctuary) confirmed it even more as Pastor Joe taught on David's heart to build the temple and how it wasn't for him to do. Thursday night I met and prayed with my friend Carli who is going through a similar situation and we were able to encourage each other...the weekend is kind of a blur of socialization and good convos, but the warfare for me went into high gear on Sunday night...

I went to Sunday night prayer and was truly blessed but I just started feeling the doubt and fear creeping in about everything. Like, could I really do this? Did I really want to do this? I've been taking care of someone from my church's mom three nights a week this summer overnight and when I went Sunday night I just had overwhelming anxiety about everything. I literally just had to put on the helmet of salvation and the breastplate of righteousness- drew my sword of the Spirit and threw out some verses- and went to bed.

Monday and Tuesday just continued in the discouragement. Whereas last Monday and Tuesday I saw so much fruit in my College and Career ministry, now I just felt dead there. What was going on??? Wasn't this where God wanted me???

 It was like I'd stepped out of the boat looking at Jesus originally and was doing great- and next thing you know I noticed the waves crashing around me. The verses I read were Psalm 77