Well I finished my third week of work today. Basically I'm exhausted but my body is getting used to been physically exerted everyday as opposed to the last four years where all it did was sit around with grandmom and drink coffee. I'm still loving it. Today we moved from the warehouse we've been working out of into the actual store (which is insanely huge. Megathrift is no exaggeration. We will be having a cafe in it once we're zoned for it!) So today was craziness, packing and moving and unpacking, but it's so exciting to be in something like this from the beginning. And the Lord knew I'd love it and need to be in something like this from the start because if I stepped into this in a few months when this locomotion is in full swing, I would be way to intimidated to even accept this job! His timing is perfect! I have really great coworkers and even the ones that I struggle with, the Lord has given me a check in my spirit when I complain or get annoyed and His eyes to see them the way He sees- we're a hodge podge of broken stories and crazy pasts and the Lord saw fit to put us all together- and the 25 new employees starting on Monday! Oh Lord, for Your grace!
I'm still grieving. I don't know why I even say that. I think maybe it's cause I forget that I am so I get really confused by it myself. I miss her. I don't say it a lot because missing her is like a part of breathing lately (rereading this- that may be a little overdramatic to say- my point is that it's just a very natural part of who I am). And I'm in a strange stage of my grieving where I have a lot of guilt...I don't know. I know it's the Enemy so I have to check myself. I just feel bad- was she in pain? Was she suffering? Was it my fault? Why did I leave her sleeping in her pee? Why wasn't I a better caregiver. And sure, I know i'm human, I know the Lord's so gracious to me. And I know this is just another part of the grieving process and my own mentalness I need to work out with the Lord. He's so good and I know He isn't counting all of my failings- they are washed in Jesus's precious blood. All of my selfishness and stupidness and falling short. And this isn't a post where I want people to tell me how great I was at taking care of her- The Lord was gracious- but I know there is more I could have done. I know I fell short. I know I could have taken care of her better and not been so lazy. But the Lord is kind to me. So kind. So loving. And she's whole now. I'm so thankful. But this is just another thing I need to lay before the Lord and look in faith at Christ and all He accomplished for me and grandmom. Even though I failed so much and fell so short, I am His. Praise Him!
Anyway, my aunt (grandmom's oldest daughter) and uncle are up to visit because my uncle's mom just died (the crazy red haired one that grandmom and I used to go to tea with). It's making me miss grandmom more I think. And we're discussing her and grandpop's burial arrangements (we still haven't even gotten my grandmom's urn from the funeral home yet...woops) and what we're gonna do (since we still need to bury them both). It's real. Anyway, I'm exhausted and should have gone to bed hours ago...working life! haha, I really do love it though!