A Life After Death

“Cry aloud; do not hold back;
lift up your voice like a trumpet;
declare to my people their transgression,
to the house of Jacob their sins.
2 Yet they seek me daily
and delight to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that did righteousness
and did not forsake the judgment of their God;
they ask of me righteous judgments;
they delight to draw near to God.
3 ‘Why have we fasted, and you see it not?
Why have we humbled ourselves, and you take no knowledge of it?’
Behold, in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure,[a]
and oppress all your workers.
4 Behold, you fast only to quarrel and to fight
and to hit with a wicked fist.
Fasting like yours this day
will not make your voice to be heard on high.
5 Is such the fast that I choose,
a day for a person to humble himself?
Is it to bow down his head like a reed,
and to spread sackcloth and ashes under him?
Will you call this a fast,
and a day acceptable to the Lord?
6 “Is not this the fast that I choose:
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed[b] go free,
and to break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
8 Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you;
the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.
9 Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer;
you shall cry, and he will say, ‘Here I am.’
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
10 if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.
11 And the Lord will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.
12 And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
the restorer of streets to dwell in.
13 “If you turn back your foot from the Sabbath,
from doing your pleasure[c] on my holy day,
and call the Sabbath a delight
and the holy day of the Lord honorable;
if you honor it, not going your own ways,
or seeking your own pleasure,[d] or talking idly;[e]
14 then you shall take delight in the Lord,
and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth;[f]
I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father,
for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”

There's a million things the Lord is showing me and revealing and speaking to my heart. One of them is that I don't need to be "ready" to step into whatever He has for me. I just need to follow Him and obey Him and trust Him to supply every need whenever the need is there. I love Him. I need Him so much.


"Our Lord makes a disciple His own possession, He becomes responsible for Him. 'Ye shall be my witnesses unto Me.' The Spirit that comes in is not doing anything for Jesus, but of being a perfect delight to Him. The secret of the missionary is- I am His and He is carrying out His enterprises through me.
Be entirely His."
- Oswald Chambers

" After [Pilate] had said this, he went back outside to the Jews and told them, "I find no guilt in Him [Jesus]" (John 18:38)

"Pilate went out to them again and said to them, "See, I am bringing no Him out to you that you may know that I find no guilt in Him" (John 19:4)

Pilate said to them, "Take him yourselves and crucify Him, for I find no guilt in Him" (John 19:6)

Jesus never sinned. But He was the pure, examined, sacrificial lamb, who took my guilt. He bore my shame. He carried my sin. Praise Him! I'm so thankful lately for Christ's sacrifice for me. I can't handle His love for me. It's literally so overwhelming I don't really know what to do but thank Him and say how great He is. I'm so thankful.

 

Well, to be perfectly honest I have had a really hard time lately. Everything people have ever tried to warn me grieving was is actually what grieving is. Sometimes I'm just sad. Sometimes I just lay in my bed and cry because I'm just plain sad. Sometimes I hurt in just a really deep place inside of me that physically makes me feel ill. I finally brought up at our girl's study the other night that I needed prayer for my grieving and strangely since then it got harder. I don't know if it was me actually admitting to myself that I was having a hard time that opened up the can of worms that has been my emotions the past couple days. I don't know if it's just that I knew today was coming up and just facing that it's been four months was just hard for me. I don't really know and maybe that's been the hardest part- I just don't really understand. Because I know so much. I know where my grandmom is. I know that is was her time to go. I know that I need to go to Jesus with my hurt. I know that He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. I know that He's a loving God, that He has good plans for me, that He wants to meet with me, that it was needful for me for grandmom to go. And that's why when I'm just sad, and emotional, and hurting, that I just find my own emotions soooo confusing. Because I don't understand why I feel the way I feel.
Tonight we talked about taking every thought captive at prayer. And also about surrender. There's such a temptation to let my hurt and pain control me. My sad thoughts and sorrow to rule in my life and captivate me. But Jesus gives me the power to take every thought captive- to take them to Him. To not bear these burdens myself. To go to the One who wept. And Also I realized I needed to really surrender grandmom to Him. I cannot hold onto her. I keep giving her to Him and taking her back which is just so stupid since she's gone. But it's this idea of her and who she was and who I still want her to be for me. But all that I want her to be is actually what I need God to be for me. He's my source, my life, my joy, my sustenance, my comfort, my everything. He is the Lord who doesn't change, therefore I am not consumed. 

^" But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. ⁸ Indeed, I count everything as loss because ofthe surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— ¹⁰  that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.^"12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. ¹³ Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. ¹⁵ Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.¹⁶ Only let us hold true to what we have attained.¹⁷ Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. ¹⁸ For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. ¹⁹  Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. ²⁰ But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body,by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. " Philippians 3:7-21

One of the top things I miss most about my grandmom is just climbing into her bed and laying by her side. Honestly, I spent so many hours just laying in her bed and watching tv with her or playing on the computer or taking pictures together.  I just really miss her. And I don't really have an outlet for it. We haven't buried her yet (actually, her urn is hopefully still at the funeral home- we actually haven't gone to get it yet...woops) and so when I miss her there's really nowhere to go as like an outlet. I've taken over her room. I don't really have a special 'thing' that reminds me of her. To be honest, this blog is like the closest thing I have to something tangible that 'connects' me to her. But I think that's really the Lord- because I can't hold onto her. I can't draw close to her through these things- because she's not in them- she's in Heaven! She's not here. She's not in a room, or in the ground, or even in the marble urn (well, hopefully she's in the marble urn- wherever that is...), she's with Jesus. And I'm looking forward in faith to the day when I'll see her again. That's the reality of it. That's my hope. And the Lord is so good to me. He wants to comfort me and for me to draw near to Him and lean on His breast and find all comfort from Him. He took my grandmom from my side so I can just lay at His side and find my rest in Him. Grandmom's presence cannot comfort me because she is not here. Praise Jesus for His Presence in my life. 

...I just really miss my grandmom.



I know one day I eventually need to update this blog. I really don't know what I'm gonna do with it. A couple times I've gone to edit the "about me" and I just can't do it. Maybe it's because I don't have anything to replace it with...but then, I know one thing the Lord is teaching me is my identity is SOLELY in Him. Nothing else. No one else. Him alone.

time flies.
anyway, instead of being all grandmom nostalgic today, I'll post a link to something that super challenged me on the sr high retreat (did I even mention I went on that???) last weekend:


Holiness Before Happiness by A.W. Tozer


This is something that always is a struggle for me and I think a root in a lot of my anxiety. A lot of the time, I wake up everyday trying to pursue my (constitutional right of) happiness. But doesn't the Bible talk about those who seek their life will lose it? Honestly, I need my mind renewed everyday, because it's such a worldly mindset that has snuck into my life to pursue my own happiness. It can be really subtle too. I think we can do it in our devotions- look for things in the Word that make us "feel" good when really God is looking to purify our lives- so that we can have true happiness that is only found in Him. Joy. In the midst of fires. Joy that comes from being purified. From holy living. Yikes. But I struggle because I want to feel happy right now. I don't want to feel uncomfortable, or feel pain, or feel depressed, or feel sad...I want to feel happy. But faith is knowing that there is joy- and an eternal happiness that comes from holiness. "In Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore" (Psalm 16:11). 

"And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

   ³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.   ⁴ “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.   ⁵ “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.   ⁶ “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.   ⁷ “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.   ⁸ “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.   ⁹ “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.   ¹⁰ “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.   ¹¹ “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. ¹² Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you." Matthew 5:2-11

Well, I had another job offer yesterday. I feel like I literally wrote that post and next thing you know I'm getting a call from my old school (the school at my church) for a position. Anyway, I'm like so confused at this point. My dad just told me to wait for a month. Next thing you know my mom and him are calling me telling me to take the position- it would be perfect. And sure, of course I'd love playing at my old school/church all day. But...I just honestly don't feel like that's what I'm supposed to be doing. I can't for the life of me tell you what exactly that is, but I really didn't feel like that was it. Besides my dad had just told me not to accept any positions for a month. There's no reason my dad would tell me to do that. That's not like him at all. And it really didn't sound like him now that a few hours later he's practically denying he said it and telling me to take the position at Calvary.




Anyway, I talked it through with one of my pastors and a friend yesterday and went up to the school today and told them no.




So my first week home after seeking the Lord for what's next and I've turned down two perfect positions.

Yeah, I'm probably crazy.




But honestly, I don't know what the Lord is planning for these next few weeks, but it really seems like I'm supposed to keep waiting. It's not the most sane thing I've ever done, but it does seem clear. And like those verses said up there- The Lord never will forsake His children as they follow His commands.

(And on a side note: I'm not saying everyone should just not work and sit at home all day and pray and stuff. It's definitely Biblical to work and not be lazy. But I'm not being lazy- I'm in charge or housekeeping and cooking these days- and I am eventually going to work- or at least do something! haha)

So that's the latest development in the drama that is my life. I feel like a fool turning down these jobs, and maybe I am, but I do feel like the Lord is still saying wait.




In the mean time, besides being the maid of the Doran family, our ESL class is also restarting back up! So please pray- I'm super excited for this go round. We're way more organized and our curriculum looks good. So please pray for the Lord to provide laborers and the harvest! I truly saw His hand in leading this class and I'm excited for us to really rely on Him and seek Him and see Him work with this session. Tomorrow my friend Mariana and I are going to go pass out flyers for the class!

I turned down a job offer yesterday. Yeah, what was I thinking? It was a good 9-5 job, ten dollars an hour, in a company that takes good care of you (sending employees on cruises even!). And I turned it down. At first I thought it would be a great job and really considered it. But when the time came to call the woman back to let her know if I was interested, I honestly broke down over the idea of being a receptionist/office manager and sitting behind a desk answering phone calls, filing papers, paying bills, sending emails. It's not me. I can barely talk to my friends on the phone. I'm the least organized person you'll ever meet (I mean, I lost my speech at my grandmom's funeral!)

I got back on Friday evening (my dad wanted me home before it snowed on Saturday- thought it probably would have been nice to get snowed in up at Old Mill) But I'm not going to update yet on my time away.

Reason #1 I really do need to clean my house up and some other errands so I don't have too much time today to reflect and do that time justice

Reason #2 Yesterday morning I was driving to church with my sister, and my gas tank was on super empty, so I stopped at the closest gas station to my house, pumped ten bucks of gas in, and than went on my way. We got to church, I reached back for my purse- and then it hit me like a ton of bricks- I left my purse on the back of my car at the gas station. Not in but on. Yup. Story of my life. Anyway- thank the Lord that my wallet and cell phone were not in there! But in it was my Bible, my journal (yes, the one from the last like two months!!! Yes my journal from my time away with the Lord!), and this awesome book one of my pastors got for my family by John Ross McDuff. I left church to go look for it and call the gas station to see if it fell out there, but no they had seen me drive off with it on the back of my car- right onto the HIGHWAY, of course. So my brother and I drove up and down the highway looking for it- I found on the median a little ways down a pair of $1.00 gloves that were in my purse and also a little pamphlet on prayer that had been in my purse but no sign of the purse between the gas station and the mall.

So if by some chance, you  picked up my purse, found my Bible, googled my name, and are reading this- um, yeah, I really really really would like it back. And Jesus loves you!

In other news, I was rereading Susannah Spurgeon's Free Grace and Dying Love morning devotions today and this morning  the verse was, "and it shall not seem hard unto thee" (Deuteronomy 15:18)

The Well in the Wilderness

"Dear Lord, I have this morning come to one of the secret springs of sweet waters; an ancient, hidden well in the wilderness which your love, as it were, kept covered up and concealed, till  my great need moved you to open my eyes to discover it it. How precious has your thought been to me, O Lord! How strengthening and refreshing are these 'cold waters to a thirsty soul', which you have thus made to break forth in a strange place! For I thought I was suffering a hard thing, Lord, in the dealings and discipline which you have seen necessary for me; and, though, your grace kept me from openly murmuring and complaining, my inner self constantly cried out, 'this is hard, Lord, this is very hard.'

 But now you say, 'No, My child, it must not even seem hard to you. Your trust in me should be so perfect, your faith in my love so strong, your obedience to my will so complete, that nothing should seem grievous which I appoint, no trial that I send should frighten or overwhelm you. Have I not always been to you, "a very present help in trouble"? Lord, my heart says, 'Amen!' to your gracious words, and then trust you to work all this loving obedience in me by Your own mighty power. 

'It Shall not seem hard unto thee.' The peculiar trial through which I am now passing, is the very 'it' which must not seem hard to me. God's bow is never drawn at random; he makes no mistakes either in telling the number of 'the stars', or in the measuring out to me the griefs which shall teach me to glorify Him. And, dear reader, if you would find comfort from the words which so comforted me, you must look upon  your present trouble, whatever it may be, and say, 'Lord, this shall not seem hard to me, for I have received so much bounty and blessing from you, I have known so much of your pity and pardoning love, that I dare   not mistrust you, or question for a  moment the divine wisdom of your dealings with me.'

Ah! our eyes are so dimmed by earth's fogs and shadows that we cannot see clearly enough  to distinguish from evil and if left to ourselves might embrace a curse rather than a blessing. Poor blind mortals that we are, it is well for us that our Master should choose trials for us even though to our imperfect vision He seems sometimes to have appointed a hard thing.

Yes, it is in absolute and loving surrender to the will of the Lord that the secret of true rest and peace is found. This  is the alchemy which turns earth's sorrows into heaven's blessings; here is the antidote to every sting, the sure-all of each care, the unfailing remedy for all anxious and restlessness. Dear Lord, if I am your child, trusting, loving, obeying you, how can your will for me seem 'hard?' No, rather, I should joyfully meet and welcome it, well knowing that your love to me, could only send a message of peace, however dark might be the envelope which enwrapped it. 

This comfort cannot apply to troubles which we make for ourselves, and which we sometimes glorify into spiritual hardships, when they are really selfish sins; these are not God's will for us, but our own perverse way, and they bring nothing better than bitterness and tears. But God given burden or sorrow, carried out into the sunshine of His love, and laid at His blessed feet, immediately loses all it's hardness and is transformed into a blessing, for which our soul praises the Lord with tender thanksgiving.

'It shall not seem hard unto thee.' Ah! Dear master, it must grievously pain your loving heart when we, your own redeemed ones, think any of your dealings with us harsh or stern. You have loved us from everlasting, you did not spare your own Son when a ransom was required for our souls, you have led us, and fed us, and cared for us all our life long; can we be so wicked and ungrateful as to deem anything 'hard' which your wisdom and love appoint?

'It shall not seem hard unto thee.' Since this precious text rippled from the pages of God's word, like a 'brook by the way', I have been drinking of it's waters with great joy; when a  trouble, great or small presses my soul, and causes my heart to faint within me, I take another drought from this sweet spring, and soon am ready to say, 'it is no longer hard, Lord, for 'I am filled with comfort, I am exceeding joyful in all our tribulation."'

So my friends up at the Camp at Old Mill finally got back to me (it was the Lord's timing) about me staying up there for a few days to pray and seek the Lord about what is next for me. To be honest, there's a part of me that is excited, and a part of me that is terrified. I'm unplugging. No laptop. No ipod. No TV. No friends, family, pastors (though I will have my cell with me). Just me and God. Which sounds really great until I start to question- will He meet with me? What if I have a panic attack? What if I hear nothing from Him? What if He does say something to me (and it's something hard...)? What if He tells me to keep waiting (how long can I actually be still!)? And the list goes on and on...and yeah, these are some of things that were going through my mind last night as I tried to sleep...and couldn't. I just was having a lot of anxiety about allowing God to be my one source- allowing everything else to dry up. 


Here are some things that have been my comfort:

You have said, “Seek my face.”My heart says to you,“Your face, Lord, do I seek.” Psalm 27:8

The Lord is the one who pursued me. He initiated the whole relationship we have to begin with. He's the one telling me to be still, to get alone, to wait. My response is only to seek Him with all the strength He provides. I'm responsible for that part of it- everything else is on Him. And He's the one who is faithful to begin with. Why do I doubt His faithfulness and ability. Another comfort is the rest of that Psalm and how it kind of sounds like David is kind of having trouble hearing from the Lord in it- asking the Lord not to hide from him, forsake him,turn away from him(9), and the face that the encouragement David ends the Psalm with is:

"Wait for the Lord;be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" (14). 

He knows that our inclination is to just get discouraged when we're seeking the Lord. That sometimes things don't feel or even look like the Lord is helping us, or answering us, or even there for us. But We're to wait for the Lord.

And "be strong, and let your heart take courage" reminds me of Joshua 1:9- "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. oDo not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”" My comfort- The Lord is with me. The same comfort I had in the Valley of the Shadow of Death. "Thou art with me." 

He's a Good Shepherd. "For His name's sake" does He lead me in paths of righteousness. 
And I know that no matter what happens these next few days- "He's a very present help"- my refuge is in Him. My shelter. My fortress. And I know these words mean there's trouble. I know sometimes He leads us into the wilderness. I know there's a war going on and a battle. But He is my refuge. He is righteous. He is victorious. He is able. He is mighty. He is Stronger. He is sufficient. I am none of those things and so I will hide myself In Him. 


Anyway, just some thoughts before I go up there tonight (I'll probably be back this weekend). Please pray for me. I'm pretty certain the panic and anxiety are gonna try to hang around- but I know where to go with them. I think they actually stir me to my knees more than anything else and that's probably why the Lord lets them hang around. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God,and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7.

Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:20-21

"I believe that, in guiding us, God deals with us as he dealt with the Israelites as He led them out of Egypt.
 The first crossing of the sea was made very easy. The guidance couldn't have been simpler: the east wind blew and divided the sea before the people has to cross. Not so much as a foot was wet, except perhaps by a wind-driven spray. Moreover, it was impossible, as it were, to disobey, since they were pursued by Pharaoh's chariots and horsemen (Exodus 14).
But how different it was on the second occasion.

The priests had to walk into the strong current of a flooded river ad stand still there. What an order to scoff at, and what a sight it would pose to other men! But it was not until they obeyed- without a particle of  visible proof that they were doing right- and carried the ark right into the river, that the waters rolled back before them (Joshua 3).

So it may be for us as we go on with God.

You and I may be called again and again  to walk right into our own "rivers," whatever they may be- to wet our own feet in them. We may be called to do what nobody understands except those to whom the word of guidance is given- and with it, His promise too.

But understand this: the word must comes first, and also His promise. You and I must be sure of what we are called to do, with an inward conviction that absolutely nothing can shake. In my own case, again and again, I have to wet my feet in the water. Only God and those who have to walk in the path know how hard this faith-life can be. But He does know. And when people around us don't hear the words and the voice we have heard, and only say, 'it thunders...,' then He comes near, and we know Him as we have never known Him before...

If only the next step is clear, then the one thing to do it is take it! Don't  pledge your Lord or yourself to any steps beyond what you know. You don't see them yet. 

Once when I was climbing at night, in a forest before there was a made path, I learned what was meant by the words of Psalm 119:105:

You word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

I had only a lantern, and I had to hold it very low or I would certainly have slipped on those rough rocks.

We don't walk spiritually by an electric light, but by a hand held lantern. And a lantern shows only the next steps- not several steps ahead.  Candles in the Dark p.41,43

My Father, there are so many paths I could walk  - so many ways to choose. And there are certain decisions I must make that lead me around and around, until my heart is in confusion. Today I will fix my heart on this truth: When I feel confused there will always come a light, help low so that my feet won't stumble- a sure light that will shine on each step of my path. Thank you Father, that you will speak the counsels of Your word to me."

----Amy Carmichael "I Come Quietly to Meet You: An Intimate Journey in God's Presence" devotional readings arranged by David Hazard

...has not actually been an option yet.
But I know without a shadow of a doubt that's what the Lord is calling me to for now. To Be still. To wait upon Him. It's hard cause I feel busier than ever. I've been at His feet and met with Him and read the Word more than ever lately, but I'm still just busy. And so I emailed Mr. Jack who runs the camp I always mention (Camp at Old Mill) to see if I can take a few days away on a personal retreat. To seek the Lord. To wait on Him. To rely on Him. So I'm waiting (ironic?) to hear back from him and that's really my only step forward at this point.

It's been a strange week. Breaking habits- opening Grandmom's door. Actually leaving the house whenever I want. It's stranger than I'd ever imagined. Grandmom was a part of my thought process everyday in what I could and couldn't do and when I could do it. I had no clue she was so integrated into my every action. Sitting at the kitchen table at dinner...and not having to rush up to feed her. Leaving for church without having to ask my mom to check on her. Going out with friends. All going to church together as a family. Getting to watch my sibling's basketball games (last game I went to, I brought Grandmom and she passed out and we had to call the ambulance- she left on a stretcher blowing kisses to a cheering audience).

I do miss her. It's a very subtle missing her. Like I don't get overwhelmed and cry over it and I'm not like depressed or sorrowful over it. I think her not eating these last couple months has helped me grieve because I just am so confident that it was her time to go. I'm so confident that she's with the Lord. I'm so confident that she's whole.

I'm just more sad because I just really enjoyed taking care of her and being with her. It really became even just a part of my identity. And so it's a relearning. My identity is in Christ. And I think the Lord was really preparing me for this since the summer. Already teaching me and letting me have breakdowns over my need to trust Him and rely on Him and allow Him to be my one unshakable constant. My Rock.  My Fortress. My Refuge. So He truly prepared me and is now giving me strength to work through it all.

This week has still been busy and my mom is still home and we've been working on just getting organized and just hanging out together. I think Tuesday (they still have off Monday) is when it'll start to hit. When I wake up to an empty house. This house has been soooo quiet since Grandmom went to heaven. I can't believe a little old woman who didn't even speak made so much noise. Her tv was always on, the sound of her air matress/hospital bed, even her Zebra Finches singing (did I mention they died Thursday? they caught a chill when we brought them out into the living room and I found them dead... so depressed). Anyway, I just feel the emptiness of our home without her- she really made this place a home. It's just not the same.

Also, I've been keeping it so clean! I realized Grandmom was such a distraction. I'd start cleaning, then I'd go and check on her, and she's look so cozy in bed, so I'd climb in. Then something on TV would catch my attention and I'd get stuck. Or I'd stop and bring my laptop in there and sit in the chair and play on it. And then I'd try to feed her. And then I'd change her. And before you knew it the day was over and my house was a wreck. But now it's clean....

So that's been this week and my emotions and thoughts and feelings. It's different. There's a relief and a heaviness. A rightness and a strangeness about it all. I can't explain it. It's just different.

But at the same time I'm excited for this year. What the Lord is going to do. I'm starting to feel the anticipation. Something is stirring. And I'm excited.