Being Still

6:44:00 PM

...has not actually been an option yet.
But I know without a shadow of a doubt that's what the Lord is calling me to for now. To Be still. To wait upon Him. It's hard cause I feel busier than ever. I've been at His feet and met with Him and read the Word more than ever lately, but I'm still just busy. And so I emailed Mr. Jack who runs the camp I always mention (Camp at Old Mill) to see if I can take a few days away on a personal retreat. To seek the Lord. To wait on Him. To rely on Him. So I'm waiting (ironic?) to hear back from him and that's really my only step forward at this point.

It's been a strange week. Breaking habits- opening Grandmom's door. Actually leaving the house whenever I want. It's stranger than I'd ever imagined. Grandmom was a part of my thought process everyday in what I could and couldn't do and when I could do it. I had no clue she was so integrated into my every action. Sitting at the kitchen table at dinner...and not having to rush up to feed her. Leaving for church without having to ask my mom to check on her. Going out with friends. All going to church together as a family. Getting to watch my sibling's basketball games (last game I went to, I brought Grandmom and she passed out and we had to call the ambulance- she left on a stretcher blowing kisses to a cheering audience).

I do miss her. It's a very subtle missing her. Like I don't get overwhelmed and cry over it and I'm not like depressed or sorrowful over it. I think her not eating these last couple months has helped me grieve because I just am so confident that it was her time to go. I'm so confident that she's with the Lord. I'm so confident that she's whole.

I'm just more sad because I just really enjoyed taking care of her and being with her. It really became even just a part of my identity. And so it's a relearning. My identity is in Christ. And I think the Lord was really preparing me for this since the summer. Already teaching me and letting me have breakdowns over my need to trust Him and rely on Him and allow Him to be my one unshakable constant. My Rock.  My Fortress. My Refuge. So He truly prepared me and is now giving me strength to work through it all.

This week has still been busy and my mom is still home and we've been working on just getting organized and just hanging out together. I think Tuesday (they still have off Monday) is when it'll start to hit. When I wake up to an empty house. This house has been soooo quiet since Grandmom went to heaven. I can't believe a little old woman who didn't even speak made so much noise. Her tv was always on, the sound of her air matress/hospital bed, even her Zebra Finches singing (did I mention they died Thursday? they caught a chill when we brought them out into the living room and I found them dead... so depressed). Anyway, I just feel the emptiness of our home without her- she really made this place a home. It's just not the same.

Also, I've been keeping it so clean! I realized Grandmom was such a distraction. I'd start cleaning, then I'd go and check on her, and she's look so cozy in bed, so I'd climb in. Then something on TV would catch my attention and I'd get stuck. Or I'd stop and bring my laptop in there and sit in the chair and play on it. And then I'd try to feed her. And then I'd change her. And before you knew it the day was over and my house was a wreck. But now it's clean....

So that's been this week and my emotions and thoughts and feelings. It's different. There's a relief and a heaviness. A rightness and a strangeness about it all. I can't explain it. It's just different.

But at the same time I'm excited for this year. What the Lord is going to do. I'm starting to feel the anticipation. Something is stirring. And I'm excited.

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