His Love.

8:43:00 PM

Grieving is so weird. I don't know if it's all just amplified because I'm tired and really didn't get any down time this weekend, or if it's because I wasn't getting into the Word as much, but it's been really really hard lately. I can't believe it's actually how people said it would be- it just hits you out of nowhere. Pushing a cart of clothes at my job. Turning on the tv and seeing Wheel of Fortune on. Meeting my friend's German fiancee. Seeing my aunt I haven't seen since the funeral. Driving, eating, going to bed, waking up. But it's not the missing grandmom that is the hardest. It's this guilt. It hits me so hard. And I know it's  not from the Lord. Anyway, last night I was at my church's young adult group Bible study and it was so hard for some odd reason (and I really do believe part of it is how tired I was yesterday), but I couldn't stop thinking about my grandmom being in pain and me not being able to do anything, or her mouth being dry, or her being hungry, or her laying in her wet diaper. And I felt so guilty. And I kept thinking I should ask someone to pray for me. But I just kept avoiding it and trying to talk myself through it. The irony was our study was about relationships and how God made us to need each other. And I was going to try to pull through this one alone. Anyway, I kept trying to meet new people and minister to other people- and I was just exhausted. And I was finishing up cleaning up the food when my sweet friend Chantale asked if we could pray. It was like a breath of fresh air to be asked that. I'm just so blessed how sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading this sweet sister is! Anyway, I told her what was going on (just about losing it talking to her and actually letting out what was going on) and then I even tried to ask her what I could pray for her for, but she just wanted to pray for me. The Lord knew I couldn't minister to anyone if I wasn't allowing myself to be ministered to. And the Lord just spoke to me that He is the God who sees- He sees my hurt and pain and all of it- and He sent a sister to be a vessel of His love for me. He loves me. I'm not worthy of an ounce or it. And yet He loves me and sees me and is so sweet to meet with me and draw near to me. What an amazing awesome God!

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