I am so not used to being an emotional mess (at least not since highschool- for the most part I've pulled myself together since then).
I did not expect today to be hard. Honestly, there's a part of me that has prided myself with how well I've grieved since grandmom died. I've watched a lot of people really struggle with the loss of loved ones, but for awhile there- as much as I missed grandmom- I really wasn't losing control of myself over it. And I couldn't understand how people aren't able to get over their losses and function (their losses in Christ, I mean- I don't know how you function if you don't have the hope of heaven).
But lately, I've been that person that I didn't expect myself to be. And I hadn't given Easter a second thought other then being thankful for my Savior's Love for me and having it be a day to remember Him. In preparing myself for it, it didn't click in the least that this was my first real holiday without her.
But from the moment I woke up this morning (which was 5:30 since my parents for some reason thought that it'd be a good idea to go to the 6:00 am service and try to wake me up for it) I've been so emotional. First I was crying in my bed because I couldn't believe my parents and some of my siblings were just going to go to 6:00 service without the rest of us (there wasn't a chance some of us were even attempting the 6 am service). I mean, didn't they realize this was the first time we could actually go to an Easter service together in years? Why did they have to go so early and not just wait for the rest of us? Anyway, apparently I'm sensitive...
And then when I finally did go to church (at 10:00 am with my cousin Phil), I ended up just losing it during worship. Out of nowhere I was collapsed and sobbing- I haven't experienced anything like that since I don't know when... And usually I can compose myself, but I literally couldn't this time. I think it was because we'd sung "I will Rise" at my grandmom's funeral (but I've sung it tons of times since then and it had never hit me like this). Anyway, thankfully I was sitting against and wall next to my two co-workers (i love having co-workers that go to my church), and it was honestly such a blessing to just be held in that moment.
And then it was little things throughout the day. I think part of it all was that Easter last year with grandmom was just such a memorable, powerful day. (Was that really only a year ago? I feel like I'm living in this alternate life where it's almost like all of that didn't happen. And I've moved on: I have a job, a new room, we're in the middle of remodeling our kitchen, life is totally different now. But then at the same time everything reminds me of her. Oatmeal. Gardens. Vacuums. Nail polish. Charles Stanley. Music. Pictures. Words.) Anyway, The Lord is so good- He comforts me so much. And I was thinking about how last year I have my grandmom those verses from 1 Corinthians 15 to comfort her. And this year they are for me. He's so good. She's whole.
"I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:
“Death is swallowed up in victory.”
“O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?”
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."
It's so funny, I was reading last Easter's post and this is how I ended it- "Thank you Jesus Christ for the hope that one day my grandmom's body and mind will be restored and we'll see our Comforter face to face... Oh Glorious Day!"
He did it. He took her. Praise Him!!!- it's all past tense now. The day I waited for for so long came and went. Her mind and body are restored- she sees our Comforter face to face- right now! And there's another Day I'm waiting for- and I know it'll come just as quick as that one did- the Day when I see Him face to face too. And how wonderful that I'll get to see her and my grandpop again too. I'm just so thankful that Christ rose that day 2000 years ago!
