Life as of Late

4:51:00 PM

Sorry for the major lack of updating. Too busy living life, you know? And the busier I got the more unmotivated I became to update about it because I knew how long it would take...and now I'm forgetting everything I wanted to update about and don't even know where to begin...ha

So we'll start with Grandma, I guess, since this blog is half about her (and half about me!):
Well, we left off with grandma having gotten out of the hospital with a bladder infection, but than her lungs were sounding bad. As the week progressed, her lungs had ups and downs. We had home care coming out to see her and all that jazz, but she continued to just decline not only with her breathing but mentally also. She just was not communicating, kind of just making noises. But the trouble came when she decided to stop eating last weekend. She literally ate and drank nothing all weekend. Monday I called the home care office but they kept not calling back. So finally I knew it was time to call hospice. Deciding to call hospice was a lot more of an emotional experience than I imagined it would be. My mom cried talking about. I had teared up talking to our nurse about it. But when grandma stopped eating I knew we needed their help.

So hospice came out not last monday but the monday before and I mean, things aren't a ton different. She's eating again. We have nurses who come out and chaplains and I get enemas in the mail. I have an aide who helps me out a ton because I got another job recently.

Someone from church hired me to watch their mom three nights a week. She has Parkinson's and dementia. I lay in a bed next to her hospital bed, put my hand on her back, and say "do you feel me here" and then I get her drinks and put her on the commode whenever she needs to.

I'm tired lately.

But the aide is a huge help cause she comes the mornings after I work so I can sleep for a few hours and have peace of mind that grandma is changed and fed. And the aide is a sweetheart and seems like she genuinely cares about grandma.

Now I'm still doing all of the other things I mentioned.
ESL has been super interesting- not what I expected but awesome nonetheless. Our people have been super flaky: like one week it'll be a group of 14. the next week it will be a group of 10 with like only two people being the same as the week before. Really random. But we got a family coming out from Belarus. We invited their 16 year old daughter out to our Sr High event that was like a week-long in house retreat. She and her friend came out- they were pretty hyper and flirty but they sat through at least 8 Bible studies, opened up Bibles in English and Russian, and heard the gospel. And who knows what the Lord will do with that.
Also and girl from France who is in highschool came out to one of our Bible studies too, so that was encouraging.
Its been such a diverse class- China, Moldova, Belarus, Lithuania, Russia, Ukraine, France (originally from Benin, Africa), Yemen, Brazil and those are only the countries I'm listing off the top of my head. “Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told." Hab. 1:5

And Girl's study has been great too. The same kind of deal- different people every week, but really sweet. Hebrews is awesome. 

Next week is Coatesville- so not even ready for it at all. I'm going to the beach Thursday and just want to lay there and read my Bible and prepare my heart for next week. This summer is flying by!

That's another thing I'm learning. Be still. I'm really bad at that. I mean, laziness- I'm like an expert at laziness, but being still is so different than being lazy. Stillness is not really a passive thing. It does take discipline. Motivation. determination. things I'm really bad at. Mary and Martha. 
I went camping this weekend (yes in the middle of a heat wave) and we were looking at Zechariah 7 where the Jews had instituted a fast that they did to mourn, but God hadn't instituted the fast. They the Lord said, "When you fasted and mourned in the fifth month and in the seventh, for these seventy years, was it for me that you fasted? 6 And when you eat and when you drink, do you not eat for yourselves and drink for yourselves?" (Zech 7:5-6) and I felt like He was asking me that about all the things that I'm doing. I'm busy. Really really busy. But why am I doing all of these things? What's my reason. And I know for the most part I'm not doing them as an outflow of my love for God, I'm not doing them to bring Him glory. I'm doing them for people, or because I'm "supposed to" or because I still have that legalistic tendency that somehow I can "earn" my relationship with God. But no, really the Lord is saying to me- "Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted on the earth." Psalm 46:10
He isn't telling me to stop doing everything I'm doing, at least I don't think. But I think I need to re-examine my motives. Cause seriously- what is any of this worth if it's not for the glory of God- if its not done from a pure heart? If I'm ignoring sitting at Jesus' feet to bake a tray of brownies for ESL or neglect reading His word so I can have a clean house for Girl's study. And I honestly don't have the strength to do all this stuff. I'm pulled like thirty ways and can hardly give myself to all of the things I'm called to. And how does that glorify God? How does that lift up His name? How does that draw me closer to Him.
I need Him.  I need Him to bear any fruit in my life. I need Him to reach the lost. I need Him to even worship Him. I can't do any of it. 
"Come to me all you who labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of Me for I am meek and lowly of heart."
Burning out in ministry does not glorify God. He's gloried in my weakness being made perfect in His strength.  I want to learn of Him. And in that to draw near to Him. The goal= to know Him more and through that bring glory to His name. To truly worship Him.
He's so passionate about His name.
and with all that said- I'm leaving for coatesville tomorrow. please pray. i'm really tired. i want to glorify and know God more this week. I want to minister to our sr highers. I want to minister to our Coatesville kids. I want to do it in the Lord's strength through the power of the Holy Spirit.

p.s. just to prove how busy i am I started this on the 18th and am finally posting it today...ugh!

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