I guess I might as well update before my grandmom ends up coming home from the nursing home.
So where did I leave off in this sad saga???
Yes-
on our last episode of grandmom vs. broken bones we saw Lydia in being moved from the ICU to a new nursing home, and so that was about three-four weeks ago that that happened. Since then, grandmom has laid in bed, growing more crooked by the day, eating pureed food, and watching endless hours of food network and HGTV since that is what I leave on the TV. She has one hour of therapy a day since she can't get out of bed because she has to wear a brace and if she is up to long it will cut into her thigh and if she does not wear the brace her femur/hip could break again. But if she stays in bed she gets crazier and weaker and more crooked. So it's a lose lose situation for the little demented German lady.

Anyway, maybe I should recap a little more- I had an emotional breakdown on Thursday the 6th as I mentioned but I did not mention the one the next day. On Friday the 7th I spent the day at the hospital freaking out because I thought something was wrong with grandmom and no one would have a dr. come look at her for me and I was getting really upset. You see, my grandmom decided she wanted to die and wouldn't eat but just closed her eyes and slept and covered her cute little face with her yellow blankie. Finally my mom arrived and the nurses paid attention to her and I was getting super upset and left because I had a sr. high staff meeting that night. Well anyway, here enters 2nd emotional breakdown of the week: I drive to Giant to get some broccoli to make a broccoli slaw for staff meeting but on the way there my mom calls and tells me her and the nurse think maybe grandmom is just giving up so i start balling my eyes out in the Giant parking lot (the poor cashier boy who was at the register was super sweet to me and my puffy eyes and bright red nose). I don't even know why- I was ready for grandmom to die, but at the same time I'm not because I really do like her and will miss her, but it was just too much at once.

Anyway, I accept my grandmother's eminent death and make my slaw for staff meeting and start driving there. On my way, I get a phone call from my mom- grandmom has been moved to Manor Care Rehab but they are checking her body over and find an oozing hole and think that there is an infection all in her body. Um- yeah, anyway- emo breakdown number 3! Anyway, I attend staff meeting while grandmom and mom go back to the ER, fast forward 5 hours later and it's midnight and mom is on her way home. There is NO infection and she has a hole from the port from surgery and it's fine blah blah blah.
12 am- phone call from Manor care asking why the hospital sent her back- didn't they see the lump in her leg??? ugh! so anyway, here we go back to the ER till 3 am to find that there is nothing wrong with her.

Needless to say, I stopped crying for about two weeks after that (i even barely cried when my dear friend Becky moved to California! and I'm usually an emotional wreck about stuff like that). I kind of just shut down for awhile and stopped going to the nursing home as much (only a couple hours a day as opposed to all day) and honestly, stopped expecting my grandmom to live and stopped investing emotionally into anyone (especially nursing homes and the people there)

so anyway, about a week ago, I realized my grandmom was still living and was actually probably going to make it home from this whole ordeal, and I started really wanting her home and not laying around there (though I surely enjoyed my freedom of being able to just leave my house and not be responsible for another life)...anyway, I had not expected my grandmother home until at least July...well, anyway, I guess God wanted something else because it looks like she'll be home in less than two weeks...!!!

I'm happy and scared and annoyed and worried and excited and upset all at the same time if that is possible?
I want my grandmom home.
But, she'll require two people to move her (conveniently it's when mom and the kids get done school for the summer)
she'll be eating pureed food (i can puree anything from spaghetti and meatballs to rolls and butter- ewwww)
she also probably will be unable to use the toilet (oh great!)
So honestly, I know I cannot do this. I don't have the physical, emotional, or mental strength to do this.
And it's going to be hard.
And yeah, i'll admit, I'm a little upset that my summer of freedom is at an end and there will be no overnight camp at Cville for me this June, and no random shore adventures like imagined, but can I tell you God is good? And I've never needed Him more than I do now? And He's perfecting my faith and He's also the incredible Author of it and He can do all these things in me that I cannot do. And He's teaching me to wait on Him and rely on Him for my every single need.
Yeah, and that's really all I want. He knows all I need and He supplies it all. I love Him.
Life is honestly not perfect, and I'm really thankful this is not all there is and I have HOPE of eternity in heaven awaiting me, and yes, I'm a selfish awful jerk and I would love my life to be easy and comfortable and to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want to do it... but...I gave my life to the One who paid for my sin on a bloody cross and who loves me enough not to let me live in my selfish egocentric world and to transform me into His image daily...Praise Him!

so anyway- here is what I need prayer for- so please pray for me-

-for strength- for me and my mom who both are daily struggling with our own selfish desires- that we would die to self and that we wouldn't just trudge through this season grumbling and complaining but that we would rise up in victory because Jesus Christ is able and that He would be glorified in our waking, eating, sleeping, breathing, working, etc.
-for fellowship- lately I've noticed myself just all of a sudden not wanting to hang out with people or go places and do things- that I would not shut people out but die to self and pour out my life for those around me and enter in to deep abiding fellowship with those around me
-for peace- the kind that passes understanding
-for wisdom- in what to really do with grandmom. that we would know if it's time for hospice and to stop drawing out her life or if we should continue extending it medically...it's a hard line and we don't know what to do
-for humility- to ask for help when we need it
-for love- for grandmom- the love that is selfish and sacrificial
-for joy- that all suffering would produce joy unspeakable in our lives
-for patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self control
well, i guess just pray we would be filled with the Holy Spirit daily, because then all of this will just be fruit in our lives