A Life After Death

Well, we made it almost a year without any hospital visits...and we broke that streak today! And we broke it with the longest ER visit ever- over 8 hours...ugh! Anyway, we actually kind of planned our ER visit, if that makes any sense. You see, grandmom just hasn't been herself all month and I've been planning on just taking her up to the hospital to get her all checked out, and life finally slowed down enough for us to actually do that...so how do you call a non-emergency into 911...you just kind of make stuff up- which worked and I think everything we made up ended up being true-
Predictions- low sodium or bladder infection
Diagnosis- low sodium AND bladder infection. Her heart enzyme things were also up but that could have been because of her pacemaker...also her eye has been gooky and red all month so they're gonna check that out too!
so it ended up being a success, but it just took a long time to get her a room up there tonight.

Anyway- crazy ER story of the night. Around hour 4 I went out to use the bathroom. I come out and I see a patient in a bed in the hallway (they were super busy which equals patients in beds in hallways) and her husband next to her...Would you believe that it was my grandmom's neighbor in the nursing home from a year ago (that i mentioned here)????!!! Anyway, I'd really gotten to be friends with this elderly woman, ended up finding out she goes to church with one of my small groups girls, and we wrote back and forth until I lost her address last summer. (I had sent her a copy of some old German lullaby she'd been looking for that I found on the internet). So imagine my surprise when I walked out of the bathroom and saw her. I ran into our room and told my mom and than spied on them for the next few hours till they got their own room upstairs. Anyway, I didn't want to bother her while she was in the emergency room so I'm going to visit her tomorrow when I go up to see grandmom. I mean, what are the odds that they would both be in the same hospital, in the same ER room, in the same section of the ER ward, and in the same hallway??? There are no odds, and I wonder why the Lord has continued to cross our paths...we'll see.

Anyway, I'm wiped- I'll update later about ESL (but it literally went incredible!!! The Lord is sooo good!) and I'll update any new info about gmom later (she's already perked up a ton from the sodium and fluids they put in her- thankfully!)

I guess I might as well update before my grandmom ends up coming home from the nursing home.
So where did I leave off in this sad saga???
Yes-
on our last episode of grandmom vs. broken bones we saw Lydia in being moved from the ICU to a new nursing home, and so that was about three-four weeks ago that that happened. Since then, grandmom has laid in bed, growing more crooked by the day, eating pureed food, and watching endless hours of food network and HGTV since that is what I leave on the TV. She has one hour of therapy a day since she can't get out of bed because she has to wear a brace and if she is up to long it will cut into her thigh and if she does not wear the brace her femur/hip could break again. But if she stays in bed she gets crazier and weaker and more crooked. So it's a lose lose situation for the little demented German lady.

Anyway, maybe I should recap a little more- I had an emotional breakdown on Thursday the 6th as I mentioned but I did not mention the one the next day. On Friday the 7th I spent the day at the hospital freaking out because I thought something was wrong with grandmom and no one would have a dr. come look at her for me and I was getting really upset. You see, my grandmom decided she wanted to die and wouldn't eat but just closed her eyes and slept and covered her cute little face with her yellow blankie. Finally my mom arrived and the nurses paid attention to her and I was getting super upset and left because I had a sr. high staff meeting that night. Well anyway, here enters 2nd emotional breakdown of the week: I drive to Giant to get some broccoli to make a broccoli slaw for staff meeting but on the way there my mom calls and tells me her and the nurse think maybe grandmom is just giving up so i start balling my eyes out in the Giant parking lot (the poor cashier boy who was at the register was super sweet to me and my puffy eyes and bright red nose). I don't even know why- I was ready for grandmom to die, but at the same time I'm not because I really do like her and will miss her, but it was just too much at once.

Anyway, I accept my grandmother's eminent death and make my slaw for staff meeting and start driving there. On my way, I get a phone call from my mom- grandmom has been moved to Manor Care Rehab but they are checking her body over and find an oozing hole and think that there is an infection all in her body. Um- yeah, anyway- emo breakdown number 3! Anyway, I attend staff meeting while grandmom and mom go back to the ER, fast forward 5 hours later and it's midnight and mom is on her way home. There is NO infection and she has a hole from the port from surgery and it's fine blah blah blah.
12 am- phone call from Manor care asking why the hospital sent her back- didn't they see the lump in her leg??? ugh! so anyway, here we go back to the ER till 3 am to find that there is nothing wrong with her.

Needless to say, I stopped crying for about two weeks after that (i even barely cried when my dear friend Becky moved to California! and I'm usually an emotional wreck about stuff like that). I kind of just shut down for awhile and stopped going to the nursing home as much (only a couple hours a day as opposed to all day) and honestly, stopped expecting my grandmom to live and stopped investing emotionally into anyone (especially nursing homes and the people there)

so anyway, about a week ago, I realized my grandmom was still living and was actually probably going to make it home from this whole ordeal, and I started really wanting her home and not laying around there (though I surely enjoyed my freedom of being able to just leave my house and not be responsible for another life)...anyway, I had not expected my grandmother home until at least July...well, anyway, I guess God wanted something else because it looks like she'll be home in less than two weeks...!!!

I'm happy and scared and annoyed and worried and excited and upset all at the same time if that is possible?
I want my grandmom home.
But, she'll require two people to move her (conveniently it's when mom and the kids get done school for the summer)
she'll be eating pureed food (i can puree anything from spaghetti and meatballs to rolls and butter- ewwww)
she also probably will be unable to use the toilet (oh great!)
So honestly, I know I cannot do this. I don't have the physical, emotional, or mental strength to do this.
And it's going to be hard.
And yeah, i'll admit, I'm a little upset that my summer of freedom is at an end and there will be no overnight camp at Cville for me this June, and no random shore adventures like imagined, but can I tell you God is good? And I've never needed Him more than I do now? And He's perfecting my faith and He's also the incredible Author of it and He can do all these things in me that I cannot do. And He's teaching me to wait on Him and rely on Him for my every single need.
Yeah, and that's really all I want. He knows all I need and He supplies it all. I love Him.
Life is honestly not perfect, and I'm really thankful this is not all there is and I have HOPE of eternity in heaven awaiting me, and yes, I'm a selfish awful jerk and I would love my life to be easy and comfortable and to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want to do it... but...I gave my life to the One who paid for my sin on a bloody cross and who loves me enough not to let me live in my selfish egocentric world and to transform me into His image daily...Praise Him!

so anyway- here is what I need prayer for- so please pray for me-

-for strength- for me and my mom who both are daily struggling with our own selfish desires- that we would die to self and that we wouldn't just trudge through this season grumbling and complaining but that we would rise up in victory because Jesus Christ is able and that He would be glorified in our waking, eating, sleeping, breathing, working, etc.
-for fellowship- lately I've noticed myself just all of a sudden not wanting to hang out with people or go places and do things- that I would not shut people out but die to self and pour out my life for those around me and enter in to deep abiding fellowship with those around me
-for peace- the kind that passes understanding
-for wisdom- in what to really do with grandmom. that we would know if it's time for hospice and to stop drawing out her life or if we should continue extending it medically...it's a hard line and we don't know what to do
-for humility- to ask for help when we need it
-for love- for grandmom- the love that is selfish and sacrificial
-for joy- that all suffering would produce joy unspeakable in our lives
-for patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self control
well, i guess just pray we would be filled with the Holy Spirit daily, because then all of this will just be fruit in our lives

Sorry about how confusing that last post is- I'm sure it makes no sense to any of you, but as much as this is a blog to update everyone about my and my Grandmom's lives, it really is an online journal of sorts- I look back on these entries more than anyone else, trying to recall things, and looking at what God has done in my own life these last couple years.

So anyway, basically, something happened to my Grandmom at the nursing home between Monday night and Tuesday morning and we don't know what it was, but it was bad enough that she needed 3/4 of her femur replaced and her hip re-put back in. And honestly, I've realized something about myself. I think I am one of those people if I ever was abused or raped or something, would actually blame myself, or make excuses for my abuser. I always thought it didn't make sense for people to do that, but I honestly just am quick to trust people and believe their word.

But honestly, everyone can't be trusted. There are cruel people in this world. And there are people who maybe aren't necessarily cruel, but care more about themselves and covering their butts than that a little 80 year old woman is lying in a bed for 48 hours with a broken femur. That is just wrong.

But I kept making excuses for the nursing home yesterday. My mom was so upset and annoyed and frustrated and angry. She wanted to go right up to the nursing home and scream at them for allowing this to happen and be covered up. But in the back of my mind, I really thought it must have been something my grandmom did to herself, or that happened at the hospital.

But when her ortho doctor spoke with us today and told us how bad of a brake it was and how he really didn't know if she'd survive this operation and how painful this was going to be for my grandmother and the length of rehab...I finally was mad.

I was mad because they betrayed my trust. I really thought they were my friends at the nursing home- my blog does not lie and you can look two posts before this at how happy I was and settled. And there are good people at the nursing home- I really believe her therapists did not know and were given some story about the abductor pillow from someone who was trying to cover it up. But there are also some lying, deceitful, hurtful, selfish, awful people there who only care about themselves. And it makes me sick.

I've honestly been so nauseous today over it. That someone could do that. That people would truly lie to me like that. It's awful!

But honestly, I've definitely learned to appreciate the scriptures that speak of enemies (since I've really never had any before this) and that speaks of betrayal and how the Lord is the God who will bring justice on the last day, and He is our avenger...I never really needed God to "avenge" me before. And I'm so thankful to learn to need God in a new way- a new aspect of God's incredible personality to know and love. I'm so glad He is my avenger- because He is the God who sees (El Roi) and one day those who hurt my grandmom will stand before the God of the Universe with no excuse, and oh I do pray that they would have the blood of Jesus Christ to cover their sins, because I would hate to stand before God, having harmed His precious daughter on that day and not have my sins cleansed white as snow and my name written in the Lamb's book of life...

And honestly, I am exhausted- a. because I really believed my grandmother was going to die today and b. because this betrayal I can literally feel all the way into my bones. It just hurt so much. It hurts that I cannot go there again and see the people who I did and still do trust like Sally and Mary and Marie and both of the Johns, and even the residents who I now worry about like Maureen and Art and Joe and Theresa...I'm sad. I'm really sad because I loved seeing them everyday and I really cared about them.

well anyway- if I didn't write this yet, my Grandmom is alive! ha- she's in the ICU for the night and needs some more blood so she was pretty pale and sleeping when we saw her, but after 3 and 1/2 hours of surgery who wouldn't be? So we'll see- we've got a long road ahead, but I follow a faithful and Good Shepherd who will never leave or forsake me. I'm just so glad! It's good to know my grandmom is not alone in the hospital...

anyway, the David knows betrayal that is so much deeper than I'd ever know, and He did not know betrayal as deep as my precious Lord has known, but I'll leave you with a few of David's words on the topic:

Psalm 5
To the choirmaster: for the flutes. A Psalm of David.

Give ear to my words, O Lord;
consider my groaning.

Give attention to the sound of my cry,
my King and my God,
for to you do I pray.

O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice;
in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you[fn1] and watch.

For you are not a God who delights in wickedness;
evil may not dwell with you.

The boastful shall not stand before your eyes;
you hate all evildoers.

You destroy those who speak lies;
the Lord abhors the bloodthirsty and deceitful man.

But I, through the abundance of your steadfast love,
will enter your house.
I will bow down toward your holy temple
in the fear of you.

Lead me, O Lord, in your righteousness
because of my enemies;
make your way straight before me.


For there is no truth in their mouth;
their inmost self is destruction;
their throat is an open grave;
they flatter with their tongue.

Make them bear their guilt, O God;
let them fall by their own counsels;
because of the abundance of their transgressions cast them out,
for they have rebelled against you.

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
let them ever sing for joy,
and spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may exult in you.

For you bless the righteous, O Lord;
you cover him with favor as with a shield.

I realized I actually use this blog to go back and figure out my grandmom's medical history sometimes and so therefore I thought it necessary to report here that grandmom broke her hip yesterday and needs a hip replacement. It's a really bad break (or is it brake? which one is right?). Her doctor said her a ninety seven year old came in with a brake (or break) not as bad as her brake is and her family opted not to do the surgery.
She fell out of her chair yesterday (I told my dad to watch her, for the record!) after I left for Weds. Night Bible Study (which ironically was a message I really needed to hear and therefore I know God had me at church- no regrets)
So my parents took her to the hospital. I turned on my phone after church because Darla was laughing at her texts and I wanted to be cool like her and I was all like "I got four texts!" but then they were all "Call mom- ER" "Grandmom fell" "Emergency" "We need you" and not funny texts at all...boo
So poor grandmom last night was all "I'm to blame, I'm to blame" (and she was to blame...I told her to stop getting up all day) but she was just "I want to ball my eyes out" and very dramatic telling us that "Thank God we are not alone" and "I love you, you are my love" and we sang a little rendition of "You are my sunshine to pass the time away"
she's very loving during her near death experiences
all right
updates to follow
t

I think my dear friend Julianne may be hinting for me to update while she's away in Idaho...or Montana now I guess- and so for her sake alone shall I update about my very very exciting life...

So the Germans relatives came back about four weeks ago now for a three weeks visit.
a few days before they arrive- gmom looks horrible and I think she's having a heart attack- we go to the E.R. and her sodium is just low- so they pump her up. Bobby the nurse hooks her up with some soup. SHe basically loves him.
Germans Arrive:
Day 1- Grandmom falls carrying snapple bottles. Sore arm follows.
Day 2-Grandmom wakes up with a face about the size of Canada. Eyes swollen shut. Vision blurred. A couple hours later swelling subsides...attributed to raspberry intake the prior evening.
Day 3- Germans head off to Niagra Falls.
Somewhere around Day 4-5ish...grandmom passes out and my cousin Phil and I call an ambulance- hospital visit for a few days
Day 7- Germans return with flat tire. Stay for dinner and head to NJ to begin trip to FLorida
Day ...um 10ish...Memorial Day- grandmom falls in bathroom and breaks ribs- throwing up- spend night in E.R....trauma section...I read all of Pancho Jaurez's biography...returns home next morning
Day 14- 15ish...maybe even 16ish...Grandmom complains of chest pain- E.R. trip again- attribute pain to ribs....but we spend another few days in the hospital- Her COPD has flaired up and maybe a slight case of Pneuomonia- they work on getting the fluid out of her lungs...
Day19- She comes home and Germans arrive and they left the other day...thankfully- wooh, that's over


She came home in a wheelchair but is now starting to be able to walk and dress and bathe herself again- Thank God!
They were talking to us at the hospital about hospice...

I'm so surprised that that actually upset me. I'm the first one to tell you that if Grandmom is ready to die than that's really okay with me- I mean, I don't want her to get worse and suffer and to see her dementia progress. ANd I always thought that I'd be totally cool with her dying because I know she's going to be with the Lord and her husband and I"m confident in her salvation...
but when I had doctors telling me she is going to die- I was like- what?
But when she's in the hospital they don't see what I see. They see a lunatic trying to shop at BJ's in the middle of the night in her hospital bed. THey see her coughing and on oxygen...
but within two days of coming home she's up and speaking German to her brother and bossing me around and flirting with everyone...
So I really think there is this conspiracy to kill off old people in the hospitals- I mean, all of a sudden- her primary insurance becomes Medicare and they think that it's time to stop treating her?
This woman wants to keep living for another 20-30 years- and who am I to say she doesn't have that right?
And I am not in denial- if she dies, she dies, but I am not putting her on hospice care so that they will stop treating her illnesses and only treat symptoms if she is still able to live.
And she's not suffering- if she was that would be a different story. SHe's happy as a horse- and her hair is curled and her lipstick's on.
SO I guess all this is to say...I guess I'm going to kind of miss the annoying old lady when she's gone- we live it up here in L-horne...even if we don't have the "freestyle cashflow" that she told the social worker that she needs...and I still need her wise words of wisdom like "you should beat Jeremiah up because he's a pain in the butt"- I mean, what if she wasn't around to tell me that?


All right- on another note, the ground hog family living under the shed is eating my garden and I am angry- so I"m off to throw some cayenne pepper on the ground and to beat them up
wish me luck
;)

Is it wrong to laugh in the E.R.??? I always wonder that after I've let out a long, hearty (and always loud...my laugh is never not!) one. I mean, my mom and I love the free nestle machines...and Take 5's...mmmmm...I enjoyed a latte and a mocha this evening...and I even introduced a new-bee to the ways of the E.R. waiting room to the pleasures within. I mean, let's share the freedom (get it...pun on the free...hahahahah) of the delicious hot cocoa and coffee!

Alas...somehow I always end up at the hospital or in some other lame predicament after a really good day or weekend or something. I think it's because God gives us what we can handle, and He's also so faithful to provide a fresh filling or a fresh blessing or a fresh reminder of His goodness and power and strength...and then we do this crazy thing where we say, "God, I trust you with my life and do what you will..." which is often followed by Him doing what He will...and His ways are sooo much higher and His thoughts are above Mine own...Thank God (literally!)

So I had the most amazing Tues- Wednesday down at the shore (Jersey!! woo hoo!) with my friend Julianne visiting one of our wonderful woman mentors, Mrs. Teichman, aka Regis's mom...which is really funny because i was friends with Regis's mom before I was friends with Regis. They have a trailer down the shore and we spent the night/day/night fellowshipping with believers from Calvary Chapel Southern Ocean County (which was recently had a pastoral change to- guess who? Mark, a pastor from Calvary York!)and chilling on the beach (or burning on the beach...whichever) and learning to surf (i know- could you ever picture me even trying that...trying was definitely the word...or drowning...whichever! -I'm feeling a little unabsolutist today with my "whichevers") and being totally blessed in the Word and in prayer and in food and in fellowship (we went to a fellowship at one family's home who run a Surf Camp every summer as a ministry- they're the ones who taught us how to surf. They have a Wednesday Night Bible Study which is led by none other than Chad Reeves, my CCBCY peer...and it is such a totally blessed fellowship).

And so coming home, God really gave me new energy to keep going. And boy do I always need it.

So today my grandmom fell in her bedroom (tripped over the carpet) and so after awhile she was in a lot of pain. My mom and I decided to take her up to the E.R. to get her checked out. They think that her rotary cuff may be torn and we'll find out from the orthopedic doctor with a follow up. You always just end up having to wait 5 hours to find that all out... I know...ha!

So they sent her home in a corset wrap sling thing (like, it velcroes around her waist and then velcroes her arm in place there). I'm thankful it was her left arm and not her right. I was just thinking about how thankful I was that my grandmom was basically physically in 100% better shape than she was in January when she came home. When she first got home we had to help her do absolutely everything and we had a neighbor who was a nurse who helped us bathe her in bed and everything. And literally she went from being in absolute agony, not able to move without being carried into a wheelchair to now being basically almost off a cane...well, she was till she went and tripped and hurt her arm! I was all excited about her being able to do her own poop test (well...for the most part-ha!), and now she's in pain all over the place...back to dressing her and helping her in the bathroom.

I just look back and God gave me just such an amazing amount of grace to be able to have the stomach to do so much of what I had to do in January, February, March, because literally, I have the weakest stomach on earth and poopy diapers gross me out and smells make me literally gag at the thought of them...and now the Lord is giving me a different amount of grace in the form of love for my grandmom even when my stomach is weak and it grosses me out...It really was not hard to do what I was doing in the beginning...now it's different, and I'm scared, but I just thank God that He gave me Tues- Weds away to get new strength for what lays ahead, whatever that is...

Oh, and P.S.
In the hospital they always ask the elderly if they live alone. Well, there she is crying to them about how she's all alone...and we are like- No you aren't!!!! She's got nine other people living with her! Goodness...I have to admit that I was annoyed, but my mom and I were also cracking up...I'm sure the whole hospital staff thought we were inconsiderate and abusive laughing at a little old lady lying with a neck brace and sling laying in a hospital bed...
oh she's so deceptive with her sweetness- ha!!!!



Rom 5:1-8
Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
And not only [so], but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.


Colossians 1:10-11
That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God;
Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness;

James 1:2-4
My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;
Knowing [this], that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
But let patience have [her] perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

My grandmom loves chocolate. That's one of the things I came to discover when I moved down with her. First off, we quickly discovered a hoard of chocolate in her closet in her room. My grandpop was a diabetic, so he certainly wasn't going to be helping her to eat all of it. And that hoard of chocolate disappeared a lot faster than you would expect chocolate to disappear from a 78 year old woman's closet, without the help of the seven grandkids.