A Life After Death

I guess I might as well update before my grandmom ends up coming home from the nursing home.
So where did I leave off in this sad saga???
Yes-
on our last episode of grandmom vs. broken bones we saw Lydia in being moved from the ICU to a new nursing home, and so that was about three-four weeks ago that that happened. Since then, grandmom has laid in bed, growing more crooked by the day, eating pureed food, and watching endless hours of food network and HGTV since that is what I leave on the TV. She has one hour of therapy a day since she can't get out of bed because she has to wear a brace and if she is up to long it will cut into her thigh and if she does not wear the brace her femur/hip could break again. But if she stays in bed she gets crazier and weaker and more crooked. So it's a lose lose situation for the little demented German lady.

Anyway, maybe I should recap a little more- I had an emotional breakdown on Thursday the 6th as I mentioned but I did not mention the one the next day. On Friday the 7th I spent the day at the hospital freaking out because I thought something was wrong with grandmom and no one would have a dr. come look at her for me and I was getting really upset. You see, my grandmom decided she wanted to die and wouldn't eat but just closed her eyes and slept and covered her cute little face with her yellow blankie. Finally my mom arrived and the nurses paid attention to her and I was getting super upset and left because I had a sr. high staff meeting that night. Well anyway, here enters 2nd emotional breakdown of the week: I drive to Giant to get some broccoli to make a broccoli slaw for staff meeting but on the way there my mom calls and tells me her and the nurse think maybe grandmom is just giving up so i start balling my eyes out in the Giant parking lot (the poor cashier boy who was at the register was super sweet to me and my puffy eyes and bright red nose). I don't even know why- I was ready for grandmom to die, but at the same time I'm not because I really do like her and will miss her, but it was just too much at once.

Anyway, I accept my grandmother's eminent death and make my slaw for staff meeting and start driving there. On my way, I get a phone call from my mom- grandmom has been moved to Manor Care Rehab but they are checking her body over and find an oozing hole and think that there is an infection all in her body. Um- yeah, anyway- emo breakdown number 3! Anyway, I attend staff meeting while grandmom and mom go back to the ER, fast forward 5 hours later and it's midnight and mom is on her way home. There is NO infection and she has a hole from the port from surgery and it's fine blah blah blah.
12 am- phone call from Manor care asking why the hospital sent her back- didn't they see the lump in her leg??? ugh! so anyway, here we go back to the ER till 3 am to find that there is nothing wrong with her.

Needless to say, I stopped crying for about two weeks after that (i even barely cried when my dear friend Becky moved to California! and I'm usually an emotional wreck about stuff like that). I kind of just shut down for awhile and stopped going to the nursing home as much (only a couple hours a day as opposed to all day) and honestly, stopped expecting my grandmom to live and stopped investing emotionally into anyone (especially nursing homes and the people there)

so anyway, about a week ago, I realized my grandmom was still living and was actually probably going to make it home from this whole ordeal, and I started really wanting her home and not laying around there (though I surely enjoyed my freedom of being able to just leave my house and not be responsible for another life)...anyway, I had not expected my grandmother home until at least July...well, anyway, I guess God wanted something else because it looks like she'll be home in less than two weeks...!!!

I'm happy and scared and annoyed and worried and excited and upset all at the same time if that is possible?
I want my grandmom home.
But, she'll require two people to move her (conveniently it's when mom and the kids get done school for the summer)
she'll be eating pureed food (i can puree anything from spaghetti and meatballs to rolls and butter- ewwww)
she also probably will be unable to use the toilet (oh great!)
So honestly, I know I cannot do this. I don't have the physical, emotional, or mental strength to do this.
And it's going to be hard.
And yeah, i'll admit, I'm a little upset that my summer of freedom is at an end and there will be no overnight camp at Cville for me this June, and no random shore adventures like imagined, but can I tell you God is good? And I've never needed Him more than I do now? And He's perfecting my faith and He's also the incredible Author of it and He can do all these things in me that I cannot do. And He's teaching me to wait on Him and rely on Him for my every single need.
Yeah, and that's really all I want. He knows all I need and He supplies it all. I love Him.
Life is honestly not perfect, and I'm really thankful this is not all there is and I have HOPE of eternity in heaven awaiting me, and yes, I'm a selfish awful jerk and I would love my life to be easy and comfortable and to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want to do it... but...I gave my life to the One who paid for my sin on a bloody cross and who loves me enough not to let me live in my selfish egocentric world and to transform me into His image daily...Praise Him!

so anyway- here is what I need prayer for- so please pray for me-

-for strength- for me and my mom who both are daily struggling with our own selfish desires- that we would die to self and that we wouldn't just trudge through this season grumbling and complaining but that we would rise up in victory because Jesus Christ is able and that He would be glorified in our waking, eating, sleeping, breathing, working, etc.
-for fellowship- lately I've noticed myself just all of a sudden not wanting to hang out with people or go places and do things- that I would not shut people out but die to self and pour out my life for those around me and enter in to deep abiding fellowship with those around me
-for peace- the kind that passes understanding
-for wisdom- in what to really do with grandmom. that we would know if it's time for hospice and to stop drawing out her life or if we should continue extending it medically...it's a hard line and we don't know what to do
-for humility- to ask for help when we need it
-for love- for grandmom- the love that is selfish and sacrificial
-for joy- that all suffering would produce joy unspeakable in our lives
-for patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self control
well, i guess just pray we would be filled with the Holy Spirit daily, because then all of this will just be fruit in our lives

Any way- last week was too emotional and therefore I just have not felt like updating, but later I guess I'll get around to updating- I'll just leave you with my grandmom is alive and in Manor Care rehab and we're taking it a day at a time, but I don't cry anymore, okay?

Anyway, I took the morning and it's lovely rain and my finally getting to a grocery store to make this cake that I have been thinking about making for like ten hundred years-

(source)

If it counts for anything- the batter tastes incredible, and the final product is cooling and looks lovely

Music has been an awesome comfort lately and a song a friend shared recently has been resonating with this whole experience:
"Aslan"
Don't stop your crying on my account
A frightening lion, no doubt
He's not safe, no he's not safe
Are you tempted now to run away?
The King above all Kings is coming down

But He won't say the words you wish that he would
Oh, he don't do the deeds you know that He could
He won't think the thoughts you think He should
But He is good, He is good

I know you're thirsty, the water is free
But I should warn you, it costs everything
Well, He's not fair, no He's not fair
When He fixes what's beyond repair
And graces everyone that don't deserve

No one knows Him whom eyes never seen
No, I don't know Him but He knows me
He knows me, He knows me

Lay down your layers, shed off your skin
But without His incision, you can't enter in
He cuts deep, yeah He cuts deep
When the risk is great and the talk is cheap
But never leaves a wounded one behind
-Kendall Payne

I basically had an emotional breakdown at the hospital today. I think I'm losing my mind...yikes! I cannot even tell you what it really was about. Basically, if I didn't mention, my grandmom got moved out of ICU finally on Tuesday night and has been on a telemetry (monitoring) floor since then. Anyway, I found out that her primary doctor discharged her last night (not 24 hours since she'd been out of ICU) and that I needed to pick a nursing home for her to get transported to today.

um, so anyway, needless to say, I started balling my eyes out. Actually, it isn't needless to say, because I don't think normal people cry when you tell them their grandmother is getting out of the hospital.

But honestly, I just wasn't ready to have to deal with nursing homes already. I think I was traumatized by our last experience and they idea made me so stressed and emotional and I'm just so exhausted (even though I sleep all the time) that I just cracked. Thank goodness my grandmom has a private room because I think they might have locked me up if anyone saw me crying.

SO anyway, I called my mom and she and I realized they cannot discharge her without speaking to her ortho and cardiologist and them giving the go ahead. So I talked to the nurse and she agreed and I actually had to leave for Coatesville in the middle of all this. But I got a call when I was at the Dollar Store buying glow bracelets for our kids (our verse was "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path", cute huh?), the social worker from the hospital called and said they were not discharging her today (thank God!)

So she'll probably be out tomorrow or something, but I honestly could just not deal with it today. I woke up super depressed for some reason and could not shake it, but things got better after my emotional breakdown and going to Coatesville always helps and I love praying on the way up and having fellowship and serving the Lord with everything He gives me (because honestly, I literally was so fried I had nothing to offer those kids today)...

That's probably why something happens every Thursday...two week ago I locked myself out of my car like three minutes because I had to leave for Coatesville, then last week my grandmom had to go to the ER for this whole femur deal, and now this week emotional breakdown- God needs to show me that I'm weak every Thursday so His strength can be made complete. He's good. He's so good.

Anyway- please pray for wisdom with choosing a new nursing home for rehab and please pray for strength and just peace, I need it so much.

Also, please pray for Coatesville, one of our kids died last night in a car accident (well, he stole a car and crashed it when he was being chased by the cops), his name was Rasheem, but they all called him Mooch. I didn't know him, but he was related to some of our afternoon kid's club kids...that city needs Jesus so badly.

Sorry about how confusing that last post is- I'm sure it makes no sense to any of you, but as much as this is a blog to update everyone about my and my Grandmom's lives, it really is an online journal of sorts- I look back on these entries more than anyone else, trying to recall things, and looking at what God has done in my own life these last couple years.

So anyway, basically, something happened to my Grandmom at the nursing home between Monday night and Tuesday morning and we don't know what it was, but it was bad enough that she needed 3/4 of her femur replaced and her hip re-put back in. And honestly, I've realized something about myself. I think I am one of those people if I ever was abused or raped or something, would actually blame myself, or make excuses for my abuser. I always thought it didn't make sense for people to do that, but I honestly just am quick to trust people and believe their word.

But honestly, everyone can't be trusted. There are cruel people in this world. And there are people who maybe aren't necessarily cruel, but care more about themselves and covering their butts than that a little 80 year old woman is lying in a bed for 48 hours with a broken femur. That is just wrong.

But I kept making excuses for the nursing home yesterday. My mom was so upset and annoyed and frustrated and angry. She wanted to go right up to the nursing home and scream at them for allowing this to happen and be covered up. But in the back of my mind, I really thought it must have been something my grandmom did to herself, or that happened at the hospital.

But when her ortho doctor spoke with us today and told us how bad of a brake it was and how he really didn't know if she'd survive this operation and how painful this was going to be for my grandmother and the length of rehab...I finally was mad.

I was mad because they betrayed my trust. I really thought they were my friends at the nursing home- my blog does not lie and you can look two posts before this at how happy I was and settled. And there are good people at the nursing home- I really believe her therapists did not know and were given some story about the abductor pillow from someone who was trying to cover it up. But there are also some lying, deceitful, hurtful, selfish, awful people there who only care about themselves. And it makes me sick.

I've honestly been so nauseous today over it. That someone could do that. That people would truly lie to me like that. It's awful!

But honestly, I've definitely learned to appreciate the scriptures that speak of enemies (since I've really never had any before this) and that speaks of betrayal and how the Lord is the God who will bring justice on the last day, and He is our avenger...I never really needed God to "avenge" me before. And I'm so thankful to learn to need God in a new way- a new aspect of God's incredible personality to know and love. I'm so glad He is my avenger- because He is the God who sees (El Roi) and one day those who hurt my grandmom will stand before the God of the Universe with no excuse, and oh I do pray that they would have the blood of Jesus Christ to cover their sins, because I would hate to stand before God, having harmed His precious daughter on that day and not have my sins cleansed white as snow and my name written in the Lamb's book of life...

And honestly, I am exhausted- a. because I really believed my grandmother was going to die today and b. because this betrayal I can literally feel all the way into my bones. It just hurt so much. It hurts that I cannot go there again and see the people who I did and still do trust like Sally and Mary and Marie and both of the Johns, and even the residents who I now worry about like Maureen and Art and Joe and Theresa...I'm sad. I'm really sad because I loved seeing them everyday and I really cared about them.

well anyway- if I didn't write this yet, my Grandmom is alive! ha- she's in the ICU for the night and needs some more blood so she was pretty pale and sleeping when we saw her, but after 3 and 1/2 hours of surgery who wouldn't be? So we'll see- we've got a long road ahead, but I follow a faithful and Good Shepherd who will never leave or forsake me. I'm just so glad! It's good to know my grandmom is not alone in the hospital...

anyway, the David knows betrayal that is so much deeper than I'd ever know, and He did not know betrayal as deep as my precious Lord has known, but I'll leave you with a few of David's words on the topic:

Psalm 5
To the choirmaster: for the flutes. A Psalm of David.

Give ear to my words, O Lord;
consider my groaning.

Give attention to the sound of my cry,
my King and my God,
for to you do I pray.

O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice;
in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you[fn1] and watch.

For you are not a God who delights in wickedness;
evil may not dwell with you.

The boastful shall not stand before your eyes;
you hate all evildoers.

You destroy those who speak lies;
the Lord abhors the bloodthirsty and deceitful man.

But I, through the abundance of your steadfast love,
will enter your house.
I will bow down toward your holy temple
in the fear of you.

Lead me, O Lord, in your righteousness
because of my enemies;
make your way straight before me.


For there is no truth in their mouth;
their inmost self is destruction;
their throat is an open grave;
they flatter with their tongue.

Make them bear their guilt, O God;
let them fall by their own counsels;
because of the abundance of their transgressions cast them out,
for they have rebelled against you.

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
let them ever sing for joy,
and spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may exult in you.

For you bless the righteous, O Lord;
you cover him with favor as with a shield.

(my grandmom always says she is allergic to peanuts but she just doesn't like peanut butter because during the war they always fed it to her for nutrients!)

Wow...sorry for not updating, I guess I'm good at that! But I'll try to make it sound like I've been really busy so that I'll have an excuse for not updating, okay?

Let me go back a little because I've absolutely LOVED God's hand in this entire expedition. He is so faithful and good and the provider of all that I need, exactly when I need it, and I'm not just saying that because someone told me it, but because I've lived it.

So God's been dealing with me in the area of surrender. But He's been doing it for awhile now and I was getting a little squirmy because I really didn't want to surrender to the things He had asked me to do. But I was getting to this point where I was dry and His voice was getting so quiet and I just could not hear Him anymore and I just knew...I just knew it was my own fault. I had said "no" to Him so many times when He'd asked me to do something, that He was going to just wait and let me actually miss His voice and His leading and guiding until I was so sick of myself I decided to just do what He said...

Well anyway, fast forward to Wednesday April 7th, when I finally do just obey God in something He specifically called me to do. Why be vague? A couple years ago when my grandfather was dying I had written some nasty things about my aunts and cousins on this blog. My cousin read it read it I blew my testimony. It was horrible. I deleted the hurtful post, gave my cousin a quick apology, and then never mentioned or spoke of it again. And of course, I asked God to forgive me. He was faithful to forgive, but God had so much more for me in that situation and my pride was too hurt and I was too ashamed to even imagine Him wanting to bring that back up again...

but of course there was His still, small, constant voice speaking to me to contact my cousin and ask forgiveness and make reconciliation. Two years later, I still did not consider it even an option. Until I knew I just needed to obey God, so with the encouragement and accountability of a new, lovely friend, I wrote my cousin a little fb message just expressing what was going on in my life at that time, the fact that I was dealing with sin in my life then, and that I did not want my actions to reflect God, and how He was urging me to reconcile. I was so nervous, but filled with peace at the knowledge that this was totally His will.

And my cousin wrote back almost immediately that she had forgiven me long ago and barely remembers it, but the peace I felt after that was so huge. It was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders, a burden I had placed and let lie there for two long years. And God knew that this was best, but of course I always forget that I follow a Loving God who does not want to harm me.

Immediately after that I let my friend know that I had obeyed God, thanked her for her prayers, and asked prayer for just the warfare I really felt was going to follow this act of obedience.

And what happened next I wouldn't call warfare, but a trial for sure, but a trial that I absolutely knew was in the hands of the Author and Perfecter of my faith, and the Author and Perfecter of my grandmom's faith. And So I went to church that night, leaving a hyper grandmom in the hands of a crazy family. The study that night was for me, for sure. It was the part when Jesus healed the invalid by the pool of Bethesda. And our youth pastor was just touching on when Jesus asked the man if he wanted to be healed, and the man just started making excuses for why he could not be healed- and I knew I did that all the time. I make excuses to the God of the universe, the Creator, Healer, Lover of my soul for why I cannot do something, when He's not asking me if "I" can do something, but if He can do something for me!

So anyhow, after the study I get the four texts I mentioned in the previous post, run up to the hospital and deal with the little old crazy lady with the broken hip, who I lovingly call Grandmom.

Anyway, she gets surgery the following Saturday morning, a full hip replacement, since she went a shattered the whole thing! But after she came up to her room we started to notice she was crooked to her left side.

And I was just thought she had a stiff neck and would try to lift it up. I didn't notice that her hands were also all curled up and stiff. Neither did the nursing staff, obviously, because they let her go to a rehab/ nursing home to begin rehab the following Wednesday. We had to pick a nursing home, which was a little stressful for me, but we just checked out two and God gave me no peace about one and full peace about the other and so we absolutely love the one she is at! Anyway, the therapists had a doctor look at her and figured she'd had a stroke about a week before (the date of the surgery) but it was just a small one she's not so crooked and she's progressing day by day. I'm best friends with all the nurses, janitors, therapists, and old people and I'll write about all of my adventures there in another not so long post.

see much better!!!

and here's her room and the shelf with pictures and plant i set up to make it more cheerful!