A Life After Death

Sorry about how confusing that last post is- I'm sure it makes no sense to any of you, but as much as this is a blog to update everyone about my and my Grandmom's lives, it really is an online journal of sorts- I look back on these entries more than anyone else, trying to recall things, and looking at what God has done in my own life these last couple years.

So anyway, basically, something happened to my Grandmom at the nursing home between Monday night and Tuesday morning and we don't know what it was, but it was bad enough that she needed 3/4 of her femur replaced and her hip re-put back in. And honestly, I've realized something about myself. I think I am one of those people if I ever was abused or raped or something, would actually blame myself, or make excuses for my abuser. I always thought it didn't make sense for people to do that, but I honestly just am quick to trust people and believe their word.

But honestly, everyone can't be trusted. There are cruel people in this world. And there are people who maybe aren't necessarily cruel, but care more about themselves and covering their butts than that a little 80 year old woman is lying in a bed for 48 hours with a broken femur. That is just wrong.

But I kept making excuses for the nursing home yesterday. My mom was so upset and annoyed and frustrated and angry. She wanted to go right up to the nursing home and scream at them for allowing this to happen and be covered up. But in the back of my mind, I really thought it must have been something my grandmom did to herself, or that happened at the hospital.

But when her ortho doctor spoke with us today and told us how bad of a brake it was and how he really didn't know if she'd survive this operation and how painful this was going to be for my grandmother and the length of rehab...I finally was mad.

I was mad because they betrayed my trust. I really thought they were my friends at the nursing home- my blog does not lie and you can look two posts before this at how happy I was and settled. And there are good people at the nursing home- I really believe her therapists did not know and were given some story about the abductor pillow from someone who was trying to cover it up. But there are also some lying, deceitful, hurtful, selfish, awful people there who only care about themselves. And it makes me sick.

I've honestly been so nauseous today over it. That someone could do that. That people would truly lie to me like that. It's awful!

But honestly, I've definitely learned to appreciate the scriptures that speak of enemies (since I've really never had any before this) and that speaks of betrayal and how the Lord is the God who will bring justice on the last day, and He is our avenger...I never really needed God to "avenge" me before. And I'm so thankful to learn to need God in a new way- a new aspect of God's incredible personality to know and love. I'm so glad He is my avenger- because He is the God who sees (El Roi) and one day those who hurt my grandmom will stand before the God of the Universe with no excuse, and oh I do pray that they would have the blood of Jesus Christ to cover their sins, because I would hate to stand before God, having harmed His precious daughter on that day and not have my sins cleansed white as snow and my name written in the Lamb's book of life...

And honestly, I am exhausted- a. because I really believed my grandmother was going to die today and b. because this betrayal I can literally feel all the way into my bones. It just hurt so much. It hurts that I cannot go there again and see the people who I did and still do trust like Sally and Mary and Marie and both of the Johns, and even the residents who I now worry about like Maureen and Art and Joe and Theresa...I'm sad. I'm really sad because I loved seeing them everyday and I really cared about them.

well anyway- if I didn't write this yet, my Grandmom is alive! ha- she's in the ICU for the night and needs some more blood so she was pretty pale and sleeping when we saw her, but after 3 and 1/2 hours of surgery who wouldn't be? So we'll see- we've got a long road ahead, but I follow a faithful and Good Shepherd who will never leave or forsake me. I'm just so glad! It's good to know my grandmom is not alone in the hospital...

anyway, the David knows betrayal that is so much deeper than I'd ever know, and He did not know betrayal as deep as my precious Lord has known, but I'll leave you with a few of David's words on the topic:

Psalm 5
To the choirmaster: for the flutes. A Psalm of David.

Give ear to my words, O Lord;
consider my groaning.

Give attention to the sound of my cry,
my King and my God,
for to you do I pray.

O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice;
in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you[fn1] and watch.

For you are not a God who delights in wickedness;
evil may not dwell with you.

The boastful shall not stand before your eyes;
you hate all evildoers.

You destroy those who speak lies;
the Lord abhors the bloodthirsty and deceitful man.

But I, through the abundance of your steadfast love,
will enter your house.
I will bow down toward your holy temple
in the fear of you.

Lead me, O Lord, in your righteousness
because of my enemies;
make your way straight before me.


For there is no truth in their mouth;
their inmost self is destruction;
their throat is an open grave;
they flatter with their tongue.

Make them bear their guilt, O God;
let them fall by their own counsels;
because of the abundance of their transgressions cast them out,
for they have rebelled against you.

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
let them ever sing for joy,
and spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may exult in you.

For you bless the righteous, O Lord;
you cover him with favor as with a shield.

(my grandmom always says she is allergic to peanuts but she just doesn't like peanut butter because during the war they always fed it to her for nutrients!)

Wow...sorry for not updating, I guess I'm good at that! But I'll try to make it sound like I've been really busy so that I'll have an excuse for not updating, okay?

Let me go back a little because I've absolutely LOVED God's hand in this entire expedition. He is so faithful and good and the provider of all that I need, exactly when I need it, and I'm not just saying that because someone told me it, but because I've lived it.

So God's been dealing with me in the area of surrender. But He's been doing it for awhile now and I was getting a little squirmy because I really didn't want to surrender to the things He had asked me to do. But I was getting to this point where I was dry and His voice was getting so quiet and I just could not hear Him anymore and I just knew...I just knew it was my own fault. I had said "no" to Him so many times when He'd asked me to do something, that He was going to just wait and let me actually miss His voice and His leading and guiding until I was so sick of myself I decided to just do what He said...

Well anyway, fast forward to Wednesday April 7th, when I finally do just obey God in something He specifically called me to do. Why be vague? A couple years ago when my grandfather was dying I had written some nasty things about my aunts and cousins on this blog. My cousin read it read it I blew my testimony. It was horrible. I deleted the hurtful post, gave my cousin a quick apology, and then never mentioned or spoke of it again. And of course, I asked God to forgive me. He was faithful to forgive, but God had so much more for me in that situation and my pride was too hurt and I was too ashamed to even imagine Him wanting to bring that back up again...

but of course there was His still, small, constant voice speaking to me to contact my cousin and ask forgiveness and make reconciliation. Two years later, I still did not consider it even an option. Until I knew I just needed to obey God, so with the encouragement and accountability of a new, lovely friend, I wrote my cousin a little fb message just expressing what was going on in my life at that time, the fact that I was dealing with sin in my life then, and that I did not want my actions to reflect God, and how He was urging me to reconcile. I was so nervous, but filled with peace at the knowledge that this was totally His will.

And my cousin wrote back almost immediately that she had forgiven me long ago and barely remembers it, but the peace I felt after that was so huge. It was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders, a burden I had placed and let lie there for two long years. And God knew that this was best, but of course I always forget that I follow a Loving God who does not want to harm me.

Immediately after that I let my friend know that I had obeyed God, thanked her for her prayers, and asked prayer for just the warfare I really felt was going to follow this act of obedience.

And what happened next I wouldn't call warfare, but a trial for sure, but a trial that I absolutely knew was in the hands of the Author and Perfecter of my faith, and the Author and Perfecter of my grandmom's faith. And So I went to church that night, leaving a hyper grandmom in the hands of a crazy family. The study that night was for me, for sure. It was the part when Jesus healed the invalid by the pool of Bethesda. And our youth pastor was just touching on when Jesus asked the man if he wanted to be healed, and the man just started making excuses for why he could not be healed- and I knew I did that all the time. I make excuses to the God of the universe, the Creator, Healer, Lover of my soul for why I cannot do something, when He's not asking me if "I" can do something, but if He can do something for me!

So anyhow, after the study I get the four texts I mentioned in the previous post, run up to the hospital and deal with the little old crazy lady with the broken hip, who I lovingly call Grandmom.

Anyway, she gets surgery the following Saturday morning, a full hip replacement, since she went a shattered the whole thing! But after she came up to her room we started to notice she was crooked to her left side.

And I was just thought she had a stiff neck and would try to lift it up. I didn't notice that her hands were also all curled up and stiff. Neither did the nursing staff, obviously, because they let her go to a rehab/ nursing home to begin rehab the following Wednesday. We had to pick a nursing home, which was a little stressful for me, but we just checked out two and God gave me no peace about one and full peace about the other and so we absolutely love the one she is at! Anyway, the therapists had a doctor look at her and figured she'd had a stroke about a week before (the date of the surgery) but it was just a small one she's not so crooked and she's progressing day by day. I'm best friends with all the nurses, janitors, therapists, and old people and I'll write about all of my adventures there in another not so long post.

see much better!!!

and here's her room and the shelf with pictures and plant i set up to make it more cheerful!

I realized I actually use this blog to go back and figure out my grandmom's medical history sometimes and so therefore I thought it necessary to report here that grandmom broke her hip yesterday and needs a hip replacement. It's a really bad break (or is it brake? which one is right?). Her doctor said her a ninety seven year old came in with a brake (or break) not as bad as her brake is and her family opted not to do the surgery.
She fell out of her chair yesterday (I told my dad to watch her, for the record!) after I left for Weds. Night Bible Study (which ironically was a message I really needed to hear and therefore I know God had me at church- no regrets)
So my parents took her to the hospital. I turned on my phone after church because Darla was laughing at her texts and I wanted to be cool like her and I was all like "I got four texts!" but then they were all "Call mom- ER" "Grandmom fell" "Emergency" "We need you" and not funny texts at all...boo
So poor grandmom last night was all "I'm to blame, I'm to blame" (and she was to blame...I told her to stop getting up all day) but she was just "I want to ball my eyes out" and very dramatic telling us that "Thank God we are not alone" and "I love you, you are my love" and we sang a little rendition of "You are my sunshine to pass the time away"
she's very loving during her near death experiences
all right
updates to follow
t

my homeless friends
Bradley is still doing great...pray he gets plugged in to a church

Amy Carmichael died a very long time ago. But last night I read about it in the biography written by Elisabeth Elliot about her. I didn't cry like I thought I was going to. But Amy's life really inspired me and gave me such hope- A life lived fully for the Lord is worth it. A life of sacrifice is worth it. Because Jesus Christ is worth it. The biography is over 350 pages long and it took me about 3 months to read I think. It summed up the life of an 80 something year old woman who loved Jesus since she was a youth. Who was taught at a young ago that the Lord was able to keep her from falling. That she was going to have to close her ears to all other voices that would lead her away from her Lord if she was going to follow Him. She left her whole life behind in England- forlough was never really even an option for her. That life was behind her and wherever the Lord called her was ahead. Family members died back home without her. Missionaries despised her in Asia. She actually believed God wanted Christians to love each other (can you imagine that?) and believed God was able to do it in her life and the lives of those around her.

Amy Carmichael loved God.
Seeing her life summed up in less than 400 pages does not give justice to the inner turmoil she faced in her lifetime, the loneliness, I'm sure at times, the sacrifice, the pain, the joys, the triumphs, the daily ins and outs of service. But it shows a beginning and an end. I like that. Because for me sometimes it really is hard to imagine that one day this world, this life, will truly end and I will see my Beloved face to face. The here and now is so often all I can see. Waking up, getting Grandmom up, making coffee, planting flowers, reading the Word, listening to teachings, going to church, Coatesville, facebook, family, food...these things are what seem so real to me right now and I cannot imagine an end to them all. But one day...truly one day it will end. It was so encouraging to read about a life...a life fully lived for the Lord.

I'm reading through Acts right now. I came to the story of Ananias and Sapphira. I guess I've never really compared myself to them- I mean, God killed them. He literally slew them down for their sin- and I've never done anything that bad, right? But I'm seeing more and more how much I was it to look like I've given my whole life over to God- when really I hold so much for myself. My time. My laziness. My personal space. My friends. My family. I just want to hold onto it all. I hold onto all of my fears of what God will actually do with my life if I give Him all. But daily I need to go to Him, and allow His perfect love to cast out all of my fear. He desires so much for me. And I want to want Him to have my all...He is so able.

Anyhow, I'll leave you with one last Amy Carmichael quote: (scene- end of her life on her death bed, in constant pain):
"Not relief from pain, not relief from weariness that follows, not anything of that sort at all, is my chief need. Thou, O Lord my God, art my need- Thy courage, Thy patience, Thy fortitude. And very much I need a quickened gratitude for the countless helps given every day" p. 365

"Strength of my heart, I need not fail,
Not mine to fear but to obey,
With such a leader, who could quail?
Thou art as Thou were yesterday.
Strength of my heart, I rest in Thee,
Fulfill Thy purposes through me"

Amy's Confession of Love

"My Vow.
Whatsoever Thou Sayest unto me, by Thy grace I will do it.

My Constraint.
Thy love, O Christ, my Lord.

My Confidence.
Thou art able to keep that which I have committed unto Thee.

My Joy.
To do Thy will, O God.

My Discipline.
That which I would not choose, but which Thy love appoints.

My Prayer.
Conform my will to Thine.

My Motto.
Love to live, live to love.

My Portion.
The Lord is the portion of mine inheritance.

Teach us, good Lord, to serve Thee as Thou deservest; to give and not count the cost; to fight and not heed the wounds; to toil and not to seek for rest; to labor and not to ask for any reward save that of knowing that we do Thy will, O Lord our God."


"If by doing some work which the undiscerning consider 'not spiritual work' I can best help others, and I inwardly rebel, thinking it is the spiritual for which I crave, when in truth it is the interesting and exciting, then I know nothing of Calvary love"

My grandmom is 80 today! Who ever thought she'd make it? not me....
Happy birthday grandmom!