I turned down a job offer yesterday. Yeah, what was I thinking? It was a good 9-5 job, ten dollars an hour, in a company that takes good care of you (sending employees on cruises even!). And I turned it down. At first I thought it would be a great job and really considered it. But when the time came to call the woman back to let her know if I was interested, I honestly broke down over the idea of being a receptionist/office manager and sitting behind a desk answering phone calls, filing papers, paying bills, sending emails. It's not me. I can barely talk to my friends on the phone. I'm the least organized person you'll ever meet (I mean, I lost my speech at my grandmom's funeral!)
Anyway, calling the woman back was now the nightmare of my life. I don't know what it was- I just freaked out. My mind was just a mess of confusion: Am I a failure? Am I really never going to be able to work a real job? Are all my fears true? Am I making a mistake by not accepting this job? What if nothing else gets offered to me? What if I do take the job and can never work up the guts to quit when I hate it? What if I can't handle the pressure or take off when I need to or everyone's mean?
And on the other side of the coin, I realized, accepting a new job means letting go. I think that's the hardest part. I just really really really liked taking care of my grandmom. And if I get a new job that means I don't do that anymore.
It was so strange, I met a new girl last night at our Young Adults group. And I asked her what she does, and than she asked me what I do. And I had to tell her- I don't do anything right now...because...for the last four years I took care of my grandmom...who died.
It's becoming more real.
My dad told me this morning that he doesn't want me accepting any job offers for a month. To just stop and rest and get myself together here at home. To be still. It's funny because my Father told me that too. It's really out of character for my dad to say that, so I'll take it from the Lord that He's continuing to ask me to Be Still.
Something neat- the Sunday night before prayer meeting, my friend Julianne and I ended up going a half hour early. And as we were walking up to the building, an older woman asks us if the church still has a 6:30 service. And we explained that it was now at 7:00 and a prayer service. As we walk in together and exchange names, she goes on to explain how she just left her mother at St. Mary's after she'd been up there with her all day. Her mother is in the early stages of dementia. She just came from the nursing home with a bladder infection. She was a war bride. Her temperament was hard to deal with and annoying and critical. She was not good at showing love and affection for her daughter. She was a widow. She was a clean freak. She is not saved.
We talked all the way up to prayer. We prayed together and for her mom. We talked after.
I got to encourage her with my grandmom's story- basically the exact same story except instead of being in a nursing home, my grandmother lived at home with us.
And I got to tell her that the Lord was faithful as we surrendered to Him- to put our love for grandmom in our hearts. That He saved her. That she actually became more loving. That the Lord's grace is sufficient.
It was totally the Lord. It was so amazing to see Him orchestrate our lives together and minister and comfort and continue to bring beauty from ashes.
Anyway, I guess right now I'm to continue to wait and to be still. The Lord is faithful and I know He's a Good Shepherd. So we'll see what He's gonna do...
