A Life After Death

"I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine." Songs of Solomon 6:3
"My Beloved is mine and I am His" Songs of Solomon 2:16
What a glorious thing to know that there is a God in Heaven who calls me His own. And who I can call mine. I don't know if I've realized this beautiful truth as deeply as I have lately.

  A boy called me His. Such a new thing for me. Sure, people have called me theirs in the last 25 years of my life. I've been "my friend" and even "my bestfriend." And I've been "my daughter," "my sister", "my cousin" etc (relationship that aren't by choice of course, though wonderful nonetheless). And then, though slightly less personal "my student," "my employee," "my coworker."

But it's such a strange thing to be chosen. To have someone identify themselves with you. To have someone make the choice to have part of their identity become wrapped up with their relationship to you. Who I am affects who he is. And then to think what it means when someone uses these possessive pronouns- "my, mine" and when others refer to you as "his." To admit possession of something- what does that even mean? Responsibility? Protection? Provision?

But thinking about what it really means when someone relates themselves to you (is that what it is to be in a relationship? two people relating to each other?) has truly made me look at what it means that God relates Himself to me.
God.
Triune.
  Father. Son. Spirit.
  Complete. Whole. Holy.

Relating, identifying, possessing- me.
  God had no lack. No need. And yet He created humanity. He created humans who He related Himself to- Creator. We fell. We sinned. We chose separation from Him. And yet He chose a people. He called them "my people."
"And I will walk among you, and will be your God, and ye shall be my people." (Lev 26:12)

"But this thing commanded I them, saying, Obey my voice, and I will be your God, and ye shall be my people: and walk ye in all the ways that I have commanded you, that it may be well unto you. " (Jeremiah 7:23)

A people. Who would fail. Who would lack faith. Who would disobey. He chose them still. He called Himself their God. He set apart a nation that would show the nations around them who He was. What He was like. His character. His attributes.

  "And ye shall be holy unto me: for I the LORD am holy, and have severed you from other people, that ye should be mine." Leviticus 20:26

And then He chose to be "their Redeemer."

"But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. " Isaiah 43:1

"And I will sow her unto me in the earth; and I will have mercy upon her that had not obtained mercy; and I will say to them which were not my people, Thou art my people; and they shall say, Thou art my God." Hosea 2:23

And He chose those who would identify themselves with Him and with His people to be His people as well. Rahab. Ruth.
"Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give them an everlasting name, that shall not be cut off. Also the sons of the stranger, that join themselves to the LORD, to serve him, and to love the name of the LORD, to be his servants... for mine house shall be called an house of prayer for all people...The Lord GOD which gathereth the outcasts of Israel saith, Yet will I gather others to him, beside those that are gathered unto him." Isaiah 56: 6-8

And He sent His Son. His greatest Possession. His only Begotten Son.

"And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS: for he shall save his people from their sins." (Mat 1:21)

Without Christ. Without Him identifying Himself with me. My identity was My sins. My Shame. My Unrighteousness. These were the things that were mine. These were the things that owned me. That possessed me. My identity. The things that Separated me.

But Christ came. Bore it all. Broke down the separation... and shed His blood so I could be His.

  "And all mine are thine, and thine are mine; and I am glorified in them. And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are." John 17:10-11

To be His.
To be promised protection:
"Saying, Touch not mine anointed, and do my prophets no harm. " 1 Chronicles 16:22

To be His.
 To be promised provision:
"And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed. And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am the LORD your God, and none else: and my people shall never be ashamed. " Joel 2:26-27
"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." Luke 12:6-7

To be His.
to be promised intimacy:
  "I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine. " John 10:14

And I know that there is so much more that it means to be Christ's. To be God's. T0 be His. And so I'm going to continue to pursue Him. And to allow the love that has enveloped me to continue to open me up more to His love. I can only love Him because He first loved me. Now I'm free to love and to be known and to know and to be loved. And to pursue it all.
"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. " Philippians 3:12

I write a lot of blog posts in my head... I just forget them by the time I have any time to write them out. Life was different when I just sat around with my grandmom and had Lots of deep thoughts that I could just type up right then and there. It doesn't help either that I have all my deepest thoughts when I'm hanging clothes on racks and putting out shoes.

I want to start blogging again.
 I'm not really sure where to start because life is just so different than what is was when I started this blog. But at the same time the journey with taking care of grandmom and grieving was the furnace and pruning ground that has made me the person I am today. I don't think I could start a new blog and leave all of this behind. But I'm not gonna worry about that right now. I'm not even going to attempt to dive right back into blogging.

I just wanted to share a few verses that I can write "tested and proven" next to in my bible especially after this last year:
Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:16, 17 ESV)
For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. (Psalm 84:11 ESV)
How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments! I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you. (Psalm 119:9-11 ESV)
Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.” (Psalm 16:1, 2 ESV)
I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack! The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. (Psalm 34:4, 5, 8-10 ESV)
Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand. (Psalm 37:3-6, 23, 24 ESV)
Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. (Psalm 55:22 ESV)
Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and election, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. (2 Peter 1:10 ESV)
I think this year was truly me learning to trust the word of God to be true and that His law is good and His commands are good. There is no truth outside of what God has revealed. I'm so thankful to know God and to love His word because I know that He alone is good and that He is wise and just and that His commands are where I find safety and blessing and life. his word is life. And His Son fulfilled the law and I'm in Christ. And now I'm able to wall in His commands and in the path of life. It's been. Such an insane year but so much blessings and joy and truth has come out of it and I'm thankful.

El Roi. It's truly one of my top favorite names That God chose to reveal to people in the Bible. the God who sees. The rock ministries down in Kensington is an incredible church that is being led by and empowered by the Holy Spirit to minister in one of the darkest strongholds in Philadelphia. The Lord has provided the means for them to mentor and disciple kids and men and women through thir boxing ministry and their after school programs and tutoring clubs. they serve the homeless, proclaim the victory in Jesus Christ to those battling addiction, and above all they teach the word of God and preach the truth of the gospel to the lost and hurting of the city. That's only a smidgen of what I know is going on down there. Recently the Rock got a building down there. It's called going to be called the Lost Coin. The hope and vision is for the church to be able to house and disciple women who want to get out of prostitution. My young adults group is prayerfully getting involved in this ministry. Right now all we are doing is praying and collecting items for toiletry bags. These toiletry bags will be distributed on the streets to women who are selling their bodies for money. Our hope and prayer is that these bags will give us an open door to love on these women practically and to share the hope that Jesus Christ has to offer them. And the cry of our hearts is for them to accept that love and to accept the door we are offering through the Lost Coin to give them a way out of their lifestyle and to have a future of freedom in Christ. We were praying last night for this ministry and while we were praying I was reminded of the Lord's ability to reveal Himself to people. He's so able. He is the God who sees. he sees these women. He loves these women. in the Old Testament there was a servant girl named Hagar. An Egyptian slave girl. She was taken from her home and lived with an elderly couple who had no children. One day her master took her and sexually used her and got her pregnant. Then her master's wife hated her and treated her so crudely that she ran away. Oh yeah, and her master and mistress? Yeah, they were followers of God. So pregnant, alone, and thirsty she ends up by a spring in the wilderness. And there God meets her. he reveals Himself to her there. Yes, she had been used and abused and hurt. But when God Himself showed up in her life, she didn't need Reasons for why her life had ended up that way. She didn't need to understand how people who were supposed to lead her to The Lord could hurt her like that. She didn't need to know how God was going to fix everything in her life if she obeyeyed Him (and he was calling her to go back to her master and mistress). she just needed to know God saw her. That he was a God who wanted to have a relationship with her. That He wasn't a far off. And He showed Himself to her. And Hagar just reminded me that God is able to reveal himself to these women. That whatever barriers I can imagine that there will be to them receiving the gospel He is able to break down. I don't have to do anything but be a vessel. to be a vessel to show them they are not forgotten, forsaken, or unloved by someone why knows everything about them and the depths of their heart and their sin and their pain and loves them unconditionally. Anyway if you think of it pray for this ministry. And read Genesis 16 if you want to know more about Hagar.

Well. Merry Christmas! So far we've just given up on traditions. No Christmas cookies. No waiting at the top of the stairs till all the kids are ready and my dad videotaping our reactions. No homemade cinnamon buns. It's just one of those years since we're all busy and working and getting old. But there's some traditions I'm truly thankful are over. I'm thankful that this year I didnt wake up and change my grandmom's wet diaper. I'm thankful that my dad didn't have to carry her down the stairs to watch the kids open presents. I'm thankful I didn't have to puree her Christmas dinner. No more sorrow. No more pain. And I'm thankful that I'm truly not emotional about her not being here this year. The Lord is gracious and good to me. I can't miss her being here because the trauma of watching an old Christmas video and hearing her complain about how she needed to be moved cause she was sitting on something, when really it was just her out of joint hip bone bothering her. I hate it. I hate that she was in pain. I hate that she was uncomfortable. So I'd never wish for that again. I'm glad it's over. I'm thankful for the time with her. I'm so so thankful for good Christmas memories because Jesus gave us so many. But I'm more thankful that she's in eternal glory celebrating Jesus' birth with Him.I'm so thankful Jesus took on flesh so that I have that hope of seeing her again, in a resurrected body. He came and suffered so that He could be that great High Priest who sympathized with all her weakness. He died so that she's have life. Praise the Lord for that thrill of hope that causes a weary world to rejoice! This is my grandmom's tree from last year. I bought it for her and put it in her room and decorated it for her. I hung all the Christmas cards in her room and hung lights around her mirror. And a couple weeks later we all sat in that room and watched her pass into eternity. I'm so glad. We planted it and a couple weeks ago my friends/coworkers and I dug it up and put it in a pot and decorated it. It's crooked and brown and saggy. And I love it.

Fall remind me of my grandmom. Chicken noodle soup. Blankets. Snuggling. Cozy Fires. Apples. Apple pies. Apple kuchen. Lazy fall days where the house is quiet. Her memory is in all of it. When I think about staying home and taking care of her, I always just picture these quiet fall days where the morning starts out dark and I never wanted to get out of bed, but my mid afternoon the sun would be streaming through the window as I'd wheel her out to sit at the kitchen table and watch the squirrels knock all of bird seed out of the bird feeder she was insistent we kept filled. One year we baked shortbread cookies and cut them out with the fall shaped cookie cutters I bought in the dollar section at Target. But she fell asleep the entire time because her sodium or blood or some necessary level was low in her frail little body. The last couple falls I'd have to thicken her hot chocolate and cider because she could no longer handle thin liquids. As much as I wish beyond wish she was here this fall and that I was typing this curled up next to her in her bed and was taking fun webcam photos of the two of us, I'm so thankful she's not here. I'm thankful that she's in heaven where she'll never be cold or hungry or lonely or sad or in pain again. Where there's no thick-it or leg braces or wheelchairs. Where there's no depends or medicine or dementia. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for hope, a blessed hope. Thank you that she's in glory. this video is one of my favorites. my life was great.

I'm so sad I never write on this blog anymore. I don't have a laptop right now so I really can't unless I try to do it on my phone but that's just too hard. Anyway, I still exist. God still exists. He's great and doing great things in my life and the people I know. I'm excited. Pray for revival. Rest in Jesus. bye.