11:58:00 PM

I probably think the most about life when I'm driving around Target parking lots to check if the store is closed...

Whenever I mention how I'm still taking care of my grandmom and how she has dementia and is bed bound, but how she really is not dying of anything, people usually take this moment to tell me about how they would actually like to just die if they are at that point.

And I totally know what they mean...but... I don't whole perspective on this has changed in the last three years. I was definitely one of those people too- "if I'm in diapers put my out of my misery, please." And yeah, there are other reasons people give for not wanting to grow old and decrepit (other than the embarrassment of it all) such as- "I don't want to put my family through that"

But, I've been asking God to bring Himself glory through my life. I've been asking Him to have all of me. I've been asking Him to make my life worthy of Him. To use me.

And what if...

What if God decides the way He wants to bring glory from my life is to allow me to lose my mental capacity...even the control of it. What about my bodily functions? If the Lord sees fit for me to live the rest of my life in a hospital He worthy? of even that?

I've met a lot of incredible people in my life. I have some of the most amazing pastors in the world. I have some of the most amazing friends in the world. I have had some of the most amazing mentors in the world. I've also travelled a good bit of the world. And no one- no one- has had such a transforming effect on my life as my grandmother has had on mine. God has used an 80 year old woman with dementia to conform me more into the image of Christ than all the missionaries and pastors and wonderful godly people who have poured into my life...

and so...when I'm 80 and laying around in a hospital bed you are welcome to read me this post. Actually, please read me this post. remind me its worth it. Remind me God is worth it. He is loving. He is all knowing. His plans for my life are good. He is able.
 Remind me of this when I see fit in my mind to prevent my children and grandchildrens suffering when they see me that way. When my presence makes their lives uncomfortable. Remind me.
Remind me that "there are things you will only be able to learn from the weakest of these" (gianna jessen)

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