A Life After Death

The blanket I won from mynewbeginnings.blogspot.com (aka my dear friend Jarreau's blog)

So the last few days have been such a refreshing time. Ever since Monday night I've been doing a lot better. The guilt really hasn't shown up, which I'm truly thankful for. Tuesday morning I got up and read this encouragement from the Lord through Susannah Spurgeon-

Free Grace and Dying Love: Morning Devotions by Susannah Spurgeon

Perfect timing (even though it's my third or fourth read through of this little treasure). Also Chantale had leant me a little book called God's Promises Day by Day and Tuesday morning's was by Peter Wallace:

• I had my first real job interview this week.
• I got my first "real job" (as in- not working at my church) this week!
• I am tentatively employed by Impact Thrift Stores (as long as I pass my drug test and strength test to show I can lift 30 pounds without dying and as long as my background check comes back clear!)
• I start work March 12th (commuting to their warehouse until the end of the month and then working in their new store getting it ready till the grand opening April 21st!)
• I officially need to update my "about me" section

• Yesterday would have been my Grandmom's 82nd birthday. She's in heaven. I still miss her, but it gets...different. I can't really explain it. It's almost like- you know how it takes like 30 days or something to break a habit? A lot of the habits are gone- going into her room- which is now actually my room- and looking for her. The feelings of needing to be home for her and looking to feed her and stuff aren't really there anymore. Lately I've been watching videos and looking at pictures and have been more able to see how broken and frail and old she was- and it makes me even more glad she's gone and home. The gladness of her being home outways the wanting her to be here- I honestly don't want her to be here because I know she was suffering. 

• My friend Jarreau is having a giveaway on her blog- check it out!
• I'm really really excited about this movie coming out this month- it's inspired by the story of Gianna Jessen (aka my hero)
• My friend Sara has been blogging some incredibly encouraging words
• I like bullet lists

I probably think the most about life when I'm driving around Target parking lots to check if the store is closed...

Whenever I mention how I'm still taking care of my grandmom and how she has dementia and is bed bound, but how she really is not dying of anything, people usually take this moment to tell me about how they would actually like to just die if they are at that point.

And I totally know what they mean...but... I don't know...my whole perspective on this has changed in the last three years. I was definitely one of those people too- "if I'm in diapers put my out of my misery, please." And yeah, there are other reasons people give for not wanting to grow old and decrepit (other than the embarrassment of it all) such as- "I don't want to put my family through that"

But, I've been asking God to bring Himself glory through my life. I've been asking Him to have all of me. I've been asking Him to make my life worthy of Him. To use me.

And what if...

What if God decides the way He wants to bring glory from my life is to allow me to lose my mental capacity...even the control of it. What about my bodily functions? If the Lord sees fit for me to live the rest of my life in a hospital bed...is He worthy? of even that?


I've met a lot of incredible people in my life. I have some of the most amazing pastors in the world. I have some of the most amazing friends in the world. I have had some of the most amazing mentors in the world. I've also travelled a good bit of the world. And no one- no one- has had such a transforming effect on my life as my grandmother has had on mine. God has used an 80 year old woman with dementia to conform me more into the image of Christ than all the missionaries and pastors and wonderful godly people who have poured into my life...

and so...when I'm 80 and laying around in a hospital bed you are welcome to read me this post. Actually, please read me this post. remind me its worth it. Remind me God is worth it. He is loving. He is all knowing. His plans for my life are good. He is able.
 Remind me of this when I see fit in my mind to prevent my children and grandchildrens suffering when they see me that way. When my presence makes their lives uncomfortable. Remind me.
Remind me that "there are things you will only be able to learn from the weakest of these" (gianna jessen)

I was perusing facebook this morning and you know I saw a few of my friends had posted a video and were commenting things on it about "watch this" and "it's worth it" and I just thought it was some woman singing. Eventually, when I saw a comment about it's length I realized it was not a singer, but a speaker...and so I pressed play...and 16 minutes later I was just astounded. I actually didn't have words other than "wow" to describe the words I had just heard, and not just the words, but literally the fountains of living water that flowed from this woman's mouth. Watch this video.


" There are things that you will be only able to learn by the weakest of these. And when you snuff them out you are the one that loses. The Lord looks after them, but you are the one that will suffer forever. And what arrogance- what absolute arrogance! And it has been an argument for so long in this human place that we live that the stronger should dominate the weaker- should determine who lives and dies. The arrogance of that! Do you not realize that you cannot make your own heart beat. Don't you realize that all the power you think you possess, you really possess none of it. It's the mercy of God that sustaincs you- even when you hate Him." -Gianna Jessen.