A Life After Death

Today is my grandfather's 80th birthday.
Well...i mean, it would be today, if well, you know, he was still alive. But this post is not to be all "grandpop reflective;" it is instead a post about nothing much- just wanted to comment that my grandmom did not once mention that it was his birthday today. She has forgotten.

She wrote the date on her check at CVS.

She mentioned multitudes of times that tomorrow is my birthday (we've shared a birthday for well...the last 20 years) and even bought me a card and wrote out a check for me

She had mentioned for weeks before this that her husband's birthday was coming up...and yet today she has forgotten. I'm kind of sad and kind of glad she did...

I was a little nervous she'd catch on when the guy from Peruzzi's called and left a message on the answering machine "to be one of the first to wish you a happy birthday" for my grandpop, but instead, since Peruzzi man did not mention grandpop's name, she assumed he was calling to wish me a happy birthday.

Go figure...I've got Peruzzi men, whose car I don't even own, wishing me a happy birthday. Cool!
It's not that she didn't mention my g-pop today (she mentions him everyday), but it never clicked that today was his day.

Last year at this time I was in England.

I called my grandpop from the phone in the hallway. It probably cost me 5 pounds to call him the way that those phone cards ate my minutes and my money. I'm really glad. That was the last time I heard his voice. Weird. He hadn't realized it was his birthday when he woke up because he had thought it was only the 22nd. I know how it is to forget which day of the week it is...that's why I missed a Spanish assignment last week. My grandmom took the phone to talk to me and yabbered endlessly about how her garden this and dinner that and blah blah blah...but then my grandpop took the phone back with his usual "dear..." and "she probably has to get going- it's long distance" and then I wished him a happy birthday and he wished me a happy birthday and then I said I love you and he said I love you and I would see him in a few months...little did I know...little did I know.

But I knew. I knew. In the back of my head I had that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach as I walked down the steps and sat on the leather couches in the living room of Flat 10. I knew. I knew my grandmom was going crazy...we'd seen it already the summer before when she started saying things like "is Jeremiah (my brother) Owen's (my father's) son?" (how funny it is that having to answer that question is so normal to me now, whereas, when she said that at this time last year, I felt sick to my stomach). I knew something was going to happen. But I kind of rubbed it off as you always feel that way when you go away...but something (some many many things) were going to happen.

And then I really knew...I really really knew something was wrong when I got my grandmom's birthday card in the mail. My grandmom always had beautiful cursive handwriting ( i mean, she's German- obviously it must be perfect). The chicken scratch I recieved in the mail was not her handwriting "Tiffie (below a scribbled out "Debbie")" and some ramblings about my call and coming home...it scared me...I remember clearly, being so excited to get mail, and then holding my card as I walked back into one of Ed Major's classes, shaking a little.

It's strange this was all a year ago. Life was different a year ago. There were marzipan cows and pigs and sheep on a blueberry cake a year ago. A carefree fall day in England...a year ago. Coffee with my friend English Hannah and a day of yarn shopping and getting a cute green top a year ago. A surprise party with all of my girlies a year ago. A magic apron...a year ago. And now...I don't know. I'm not sad or depressed that that isn't my life anymore. That was a season. This is a season. A time to laugh. A time to cry.

Tomorrow, I won't wish for things to be how they always were. I don't want them to be. I'm thankful for every single aspect of this last year. Even the horrible, scary, utterly painful parts of it. I'm thankful for who this year has made me to be...and who God has shown me He is. I wouldn't give it up for all of the yum yums or kinder buenos or marzipan animals York has to offer...

So...I better go figure out what to do with my last fifteen minutes of being a teenager...hmmmmmmmmmm...bye!

I'm going to write my persuasive speech in my speech class on why not to go to college...just kidding. But honestly...I am the worst student ever and wish someone would have talked me out of taking four online classes.

I can't even keep track of the days of the week, much less keep track of my classes...honestly. I have missed 3 spanish assignments, one because I didn't realize what day of the week it was and the other two-...welll...I can't figure out why I didn't see them. Story of my life.

Then I was going through my life thinking that the 22nd of September is Wednesday...and then the other day it hits me- OH NO! the 22nd is Monday which means I only have a few days to figure out this Guy Fawkes speech (what what represent England!)...it really stinks because I wish I had more time because this whole Gunpowder plot and history of it is really interesting and I'm trying how to figure out how to make it interesting for my audience too...I might just be a wierd person who thinks it's really cool that after 403 years the English are still burning a dummy of a guy who they caught before he blew up parliament (but the best part is that they hung him- they didn't even burn him!) and that they have a whole holiday commemorating...I mean...I have to explain why they "remember remember the fifth of November"!!!

Math is absolutely my favorite class because there's no stress- math is math. 2+2= 4 all the time!!!!

Ugh...I should have just got an evening job at Starbucks so that I would have health benefits instead of this whole college business- whose idea was this anyway?

All right...I mean, I'm spoiled to live in a country where I can get an education and everything so I shouldn't be complaining...I'm just getting used to this whole "back to school" thing after a year of "carefreeness"- if you could call it that.

Speaking of Nanny (which is the "carefreeness" i was referring to), ugh...that's the hardest part of these online classes- I'm always in the middle of trying to finally grasp some Psych concept when she starts freaking out that we don't have moisterizer or what are we going to make for dinner on Thursday three weeks from now- because obviously there's nothing in the freezer to choose from (well...other than the whole chicken, five pork roasts, 3 pork chops, chuck roast, split chicken breast, or stewing meat!!!!! honestly!!!!) and we have to know right now when I have a effective speaking quiz due in 5 minutes!!!)-

besides all this- the Germans came back yesterday after thier time in myrtle beach- so i had to clean everything up again- goodness- but they crack us up so it was all good (wow...i sound as ghetto as my brother)- and we really enjoyed thier company, but it's nice to have my room back finally be able to settle down and try to get organized.

So...I really should actually be doing my speech right now so...um...bye (which is not the way you end a speech....i think i've learned that from experience though- story of my life!)

Our time with the Germans was well spent. They left yesterday but will return next week (they're visiting my aunt in myrtle beach). It was exhausting and I really don't think I have the gift of hospitality- it sure wipes you. We literally never have company so for people from an entirely other culture and way of life to come and live in our house amidst the screaming children, well, it was different.

These Germans were SOOOO polite that it almost drove me crazy. I mean, they would wake up and actually wait for us all to sit down and eat no matter what. I was like...what? And we were walking up the steps of the Walnut Street Theater in Philadelphia and my grandmom was literally slowing down the entire line of people, but the Germans would not pass her to get up quicker. I was like, goodness, i cannot walk this slow, and I passed them all. They also really aren't into asking us about our personal lives. I'm so used to people asking me what I like to do or where I go to school or what I want to be- and they really wouldn't ask about that at all. It was sooo wierd. They understand personal space and don't want to intrude. And they kind of just would ask about American history or culture or things like that, but never about us as people- only us as Americans. It was different and it was hard to read them sometimes. BUt they were hilarious making fun of each other and laughing and talking in German and so it was good times.

We took them to Philadelphia and then the next day they were just dying to see the Amish. Honestly, these famous Amish- it's sooo funny how people are always asking about them. So they did a day out there on thier own (i had a ton of schoolwork to catch up on).

So I realized that in this last year alone I have experienced sooo many different cultures- it's crazy. I mean, first I went to Africa last summer, then England (where a few different cultures were represented), then Czech Republic, and now these Germans. I love it!

all right
i have a ton of school work to do
adios
tif

Literally, any minute now (wait! did I hear them?...no, just the neighbor's friend speeding down the road in his jeep) my grandmom's brother (Heinz- 70ish) and his sons (Thomas- pronounced toe-mas and Harold) are coming to visit.

The only problem is...um...my grandmom thinks her brother Heinz died...aye aye aye...i know. So we're all a little nervous and we've been cleaning nonstop for like weeks and our house has never been so clean. We don't have people stay with us. Ever. And so this is something new and wierd. My grandmom and I are moving upstairs to my family's part of the house and my uncle will stay in my room and his sons in my grandmom's. My mom hasn't seen her cousins in 40 years. Crazy, huh?

So hopefully when my grandmom sees her brother it will click that he's alive and well. And hopefully tomorrow we will survive touring philadelphia and new york.
It'll be fun...i think.

So Aufwiedersehn for now
(Oh, is that them? no...just the mail lady...)

There's something amazing about getting a new journal. I finally finished my one I bought before Speaker's Week in England and I was just dying to get a new one. That journal is filled with pages of some of the most painful moments of my life. Also some of the happiest. Some of the hardest. Some of the most cherished. I have three pages of Czech words written in Magdalena's handwriting telling me how to say everything from Jesus (pronounced Yezeesh) to Rasberry Fanta (Fanta Malinova) to Crime Scene Investigation (Tym Pro Zajistovani)- i know...random.
I have recipes copied from Andrea's cookbook when I was babysitting on Wednesday Nights for Maya and James. I have notes from every morning devotions and Sunday Morning study from Bible College and from College and Career and Sunday and Wednesdays since I've been home... and I have prayers that I've written of pouring out my heart before the Lord in praise and pouring out my heart in mourning and weeping and hurting and repenting.

I can follow throughout my journal the ups and downs of my prayer life. The failures. The victories. The faithlessness of my own heart. And the faithfulness of our Amazing God.

And strewn throughout are verse after verse of scriptures that got me through it all. And so here I will type many of them and send them out into cyberspace...His word never returns void. (now it's time for some Women's Discipleship recitation, eh??? Where's my good friend Brooklynn when you need her?)

Who art thou O Great Mountain, before Zerubabel you shall become a plain: and he shall bring forth the headstone thereof with shouting, crying, 'Grace, Grace, unto it' - Zechariah 4:7

Who have I in heaven, but Thee? And there is none on earth I desire beside Thee. My flesh and my heart faileth; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For, lo, they that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from Thee. But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all Thy works. -Psalm 73:25-28

I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go, I will guide thee with Mine eye. Be ye not as the horse or as the mule which hath no understanding, whose mouth must be held in with bit and bridle, lest they come near unto Thee. Psalm 32:8-9

The Lord bless thee, and keep thee: the Lord make His face to shine upon Thee, and be gracious to thee: the Lord lift up His countenance upon thee, and give thee peace. ANd they shall put My name upon the children of Israel and I will bless them. - Numbers 6:24-27

And He said, 'I am God, the God of thy Father, fear not to go down into Egypt, for there I will make of thee a great nation. And I will surely bring thee up again.' Genesis 46:3-4 (the significance of these verses for me was that God sent them Jacob and his family down into Egypt...and there they become slaves and suffered more than like any other nation...but God promised that He would bring them up again. It was all in His hand.)

She obeyed not the voice. She recieved not correction. She trusted not in the LORD. She drew not near to her God. Zech 3:2 (This verse is what I pray against for myself- my greatest fear would for this to be said of my life.)

And the LORD said unto Joshua, 'This day have I rolled the reproach of Egypt from off you.' -Josh. 5:9

Why have I found gracde in thine eyes that thou shouldest take knowlege of me, seeing I am a stranger?- Ruth 2:10

I waited patiently for the Lord and He inclined unto me and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay and set my feet upon a rock and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it and fear and shall trust in the Lord. Psalm 40: 1-3

Seek ye the Lord while He may be found, call upon Him while He is near: Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the Lord and the Lord will have mercy on him, and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher thanthe earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.- Isaiah 55:6-9

And the king (David) said, "What have I to do with you, ye Sons of Zeriah? So let him curse because the LORD hath said unto him, 'Curse David,' who shall then say, 'Wherefore hast thou done so?' " 2 Samuel 16:10
( I love this verse because David is totally succumbed to the will of the Lord, not trying to defend himself because God's will is most important to him no matter what cost to himself or his name. He doesn't even question the Lord's will in it)

And in the eleventh year, int he month Bul, which is the eight month, was the house [the temple] finished throughout all the parts thereof and according to all the fashion of it.So was [Solomon] seven years in builiding it. But Solomon was building His own house thirteen years, and he finished all his house.- 1 Kings 6:30-7:1

And now, little children, abide in Him, that, when He shall appear, we may have confidence, and not be ashamed before Him at His coming. If ye know that He is righteous, ye know that everyone that doeth righteousness is born of Him. -1 John 2:28-29

And they shall call them, the holy people, the redeemed of the LORD: and thou shalt be called, Sought Out, a city not forsaken.- Isaiah 62:12

Ah, Lord, God! Behold thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for Thee: ~Jeremiah 32:12

I will very glady spend and be spent for you, though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved. -2 Cor. 12:15

And Asa cried unto the Lord his God, and said, 'Lord, it is nothing with Thee to help, whether with many or with them that have no power; help us, O LORD our God, and we rest on Thee, and in Thy name we go against this multitude. O Lord, thou art God, let now man prevail against Thee' -2 Chronicles 14:11


Be ye strong, therefore, and let not your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded. -
2 Chronicles 15:7

And for this cause [God's name to be glorified] Hezekiah the king, and the prophet Isaiah the son of Amoz, prayerd and cried unto heaven. -2 Chronicles 32:2

For thus saith the Lord God, 'Behold, I, even I, will both search my sheep and seek them out.' Ezekiel 34:11

O LORD, we have waited for You, the desire of our soul is for Your Name and for the remembrance of You. -Isaiah 26:8

Then the moon will be disgraced and the sun ashamed for the LORD God of hosts will reign on Mount Zion and in Jerusalem before His elders gloriously.- Isaiah 24:23

Then I said, 'I will not make mention of Him, nor speak anymore in His name.' But His word was in my heart like a burning fire shut up in my bones; I was weary of holding it back and could not. - Jeremiah 20:9

My peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you: Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.- John 14:27


Wherefore, seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud fo witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily, beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him that endured such contradction of sinners against himself, lest yet be wearied and faint in your minds. Ye have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin. - Hebrews 12:1-4


also...here are the lyrics which I repeatedly copied in my journal for the last year...

When I look into Your eyes, I see the love that died for me
When I look into Your eyes, I see the hope that I will be, a faithful child.

Following close behind
Following ever blinded to to, the things that should not move me.
I say unto my soul:
Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus

When I look into Your eyes, I see the grief when I have sinned
When I look into Your eyes, I find delight when I have been a faithful child



I love that song...

Is it wrong to laugh in the E.R.??? I always wonder that after I've let out a long, hearty (and always loud...my laugh is never not!) one. I mean, my mom and I love the free nestle machines...and Take 5's...mmmmm...I enjoyed a latte and a mocha this evening...and I even introduced a new-bee to the ways of the E.R. waiting room to the pleasures within. I mean, let's share the freedom (get it...pun on the free...hahahahah) of the delicious hot cocoa and coffee!

Alas...somehow I always end up at the hospital or in some other lame predicament after a really good day or weekend or something. I think it's because God gives us what we can handle, and He's also so faithful to provide a fresh filling or a fresh blessing or a fresh reminder of His goodness and power and strength...and then we do this crazy thing where we say, "God, I trust you with my life and do what you will..." which is often followed by Him doing what He will...and His ways are sooo much higher and His thoughts are above Mine own...Thank God (literally!)

So I had the most amazing Tues- Wednesday down at the shore (Jersey!! woo hoo!) with my friend Julianne visiting one of our wonderful woman mentors, Mrs. Teichman, aka Regis's mom...which is really funny because i was friends with Regis's mom before I was friends with Regis. They have a trailer down the shore and we spent the night/day/night fellowshipping with believers from Calvary Chapel Southern Ocean County (which was recently had a pastoral change to- guess who? Mark, a pastor from Calvary York!)and chilling on the beach (or burning on the beach...whichever) and learning to surf (i know- could you ever picture me even trying that...trying was definitely the word...or drowning...whichever! -I'm feeling a little unabsolutist today with my "whichevers") and being totally blessed in the Word and in prayer and in food and in fellowship (we went to a fellowship at one family's home who run a Surf Camp every summer as a ministry- they're the ones who taught us how to surf. They have a Wednesday Night Bible Study which is led by none other than Chad Reeves, my CCBCY peer...and it is such a totally blessed fellowship).

And so coming home, God really gave me new energy to keep going. And boy do I always need it.

So today my grandmom fell in her bedroom (tripped over the carpet) and so after awhile she was in a lot of pain. My mom and I decided to take her up to the E.R. to get her checked out. They think that her rotary cuff may be torn and we'll find out from the orthopedic doctor with a follow up. You always just end up having to wait 5 hours to find that all out... I know...ha!

So they sent her home in a corset wrap sling thing (like, it velcroes around her waist and then velcroes her arm in place there). I'm thankful it was her left arm and not her right. I was just thinking about how thankful I was that my grandmom was basically physically in 100% better shape than she was in January when she came home. When she first got home we had to help her do absolutely everything and we had a neighbor who was a nurse who helped us bathe her in bed and everything. And literally she went from being in absolute agony, not able to move without being carried into a wheelchair to now being basically almost off a cane...well, she was till she went and tripped and hurt her arm! I was all excited about her being able to do her own poop test (well...for the most part-ha!), and now she's in pain all over the place...back to dressing her and helping her in the bathroom.

I just look back and God gave me just such an amazing amount of grace to be able to have the stomach to do so much of what I had to do in January, February, March, because literally, I have the weakest stomach on earth and poopy diapers gross me out and smells make me literally gag at the thought of them...and now the Lord is giving me a different amount of grace in the form of love for my grandmom even when my stomach is weak and it grosses me out...It really was not hard to do what I was doing in the beginning...now it's different, and I'm scared, but I just thank God that He gave me Tues- Weds away to get new strength for what lays ahead, whatever that is...

Oh, and P.S.
In the hospital they always ask the elderly if they live alone. Well, there she is crying to them about how she's all alone...and we are like- No you aren't!!!! She's got nine other people living with her! Goodness...I have to admit that I was annoyed, but my mom and I were also cracking up...I'm sure the whole hospital staff thought we were inconsiderate and abusive laughing at a little old lady lying with a neck brace and sling laying in a hospital bed...
oh she's so deceptive with her sweetness- ha!!!!



Rom 5:1-8
Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
And not only [so], but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.


Colossians 1:10-11
That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God;
Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness;

James 1:2-4
My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;
Knowing [this], that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
But let patience have [her] perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.