A Life After Death

" The ears of my soul are stopped fast, Lord, until You open them. I am deaf, and cannot hear the music of the mercies which are singing around me, like sweet choristers from heaven.

'Cause me to hear.' As You opened the eyes of Elisha's servant, to see You armies of defense and protection for Your prophet, so unclose my ears that the tones of Your still small voice may penetrate to my heart, and thrill it with exceeding joy; or, if I am too deafened by the roar and rush of earth's turmoil and distress, speak more loudly to me, Lord, 'Cause me to hear', lest I should miss the unspeakable privilege of listening to You.

'Thy loving-kindness.' Lord, what unutterable depths of compassion are covered by those two words! Your 'kindness' would be an undeserved mercy; but Your 'loving-kindness' is a miracle of divine condescension and pity. You not only rescue, You embrace; You not only pardon, You espouse; and the robe of Your righteousness, which is wrapped about Your redeemed ones is lined with the soft ermine of your tender mercies. And this for me, Lord, so vile, so unworthy, so often ungrateful and forgetful! What can I say to you for this?

'in the morning'. When all around are sleeping, Lord, waken my heart with Your tender call, uplift my spirit into true fellowship with You. early hours with my God will sanctify the whole day. In my quite time with You, Feather, so fill my soul with the sweet sounds of redeeming grace and pardoning love that, through all the succeeding hours, there may be melody within, and joy too deep and real to be disturbed or broken by any of earth's jarring discords.

'For in Thee do I trust." You know this is true, Lord. My soul rests in You; it lies down on the sure promises of Your Word, and has sweet content. Yea, though this prayer, this desire of my heart to hear Your voice, be not granted today, and you should be silent toward me for a while, it will be but Your way of drawing me closer to You that, in tenderest whispers, You may tell me, 'I have loved thee with an everlasting love.'"

Susannah Spurgeon's meditations on Psalm 143:8 from her devotional Free Grace and Dying Love

John 15:9

I love my grandmom. The Lord has been so gracious to give me her in season. He knows I need visual, tangible things to learn His love. Because He formed me in my mother's womb and knows every hair on my head...He knows how to teach me.
Anyway, I was thinking about how much I love my grandmom. How I just love being with her. How, as annoying sometimes it is to wake up to a poopy diaper, how its honestly not a big deal, because I love her. And sometimes I love just laying next to her in bed, just cause she's there. And sometimes I love to curl her hair and put make up on her because I know she really loves it- even though she doesn't talk anymore. And  I feel compassion for her when she's hurting, when she has a giant infection oozing off her face. I feel compassion for her when she can't open her hands. And I would love to help her and fix her up. But I can't.
And my love for her really isn't dependent on her doing anything. Cause honestly, she just lays in bed all day. She sleeps alot. She doesn't really talk. She sometimes mumbles things. Every so often we get moments of loveliness where she says "oatmeal" or I'll be singing "you are my sunshine" and she says the word "grey" at the right part of the song. And I get so excited that I try to bring my cousin in to appreciate it...and she doesn't because this is the first time she's seen her grandmom in a year and its just not the same. Because an 81 year old woman saying "grey" isn't that exciting for most people.
But I love my grandmom.
And my love for her is really imperfect.
I'm confined to this lazy body of flesh where I oversleep and don't get to caring for her perfectly. And sometimes I'm busy running off to church and stuff so my mom has to feed her. I can't be home 24/7. I don't stay up all night for her.
And sometimes I'm moody. Sometimes I just don't feel like it. And I get annoyed. Sometimes I'm impatient and selfish.

But God loves perfectly.
He never sleeps or grows weary.
He has all power to heal, to bind up the broken, to comfort. His power is unlimited. omnipotent.
He's omnipresent.
He's omniscient- He knows the needs I don't even know I have.

His love for my grandmom is totally perfect- entirely independent of anything she does. He saved her though all she can do for Him is lay in bed all day.
My grandmom will never lead a small group.
She will never serve soup to the homeless.
She'll never go to Sunday night prayer.
She can't even read her Bible.
But God still loves her. He still saved her.
And His love for her is entirely equal to His love for me. So that means that His love for me is entirely independent of what I can do for Him.
What freedom.
And not freedom to sin.
Freedom to be loved. Completely. Entirely. Freely.
Jesus' love for me is entirely dependent on the Father's love for Him. That's how He's loved me. All I'm called to do is abide in that love. For my whole life to flow out of that. The Father loved the Son so much. They were One. For all eternity. And the Son left glory. The Son left glory...

well. God answers prayer. And I really love that about Him, you know, but then I think I might really have to start thinking about what I pray before I pray it, right?
Like, I say these prayers that I think are nice and simple- like, "make me completely dependent on you, Lord" and sometimes I go a little more radical "Lord, shake the things that need to be shaken in my life, that I would only have my foundation in you"...and then, go figure, He goes and does it?

So it's been the craziest couple weeks in my life thus far. And this is coming from a girl whose been to Africa, went to Bible college in England, and did a summer in Europe.

I didn't realize quitting sr high would open up such a crazy can of worms that is the insanity that is my mind and heart. But its been worth it all.

You see, I quit sr high last Saturday/Sunday, went to prayer Sunday night where the Lord truly ministered to my heart and confirmed I was in His will, went to College and Career Monday and really felt such confirmation that yes- I am supposed to be there.  Tuesday night Girl's study confirms it more. And Wednesday night (my first night of no sr high so I went into the sanctuary) confirmed it even more as Pastor Joe taught on David's heart to build the temple and how it wasn't for him to do. Thursday night I met and prayed with my friend Carli who is going through a similar situation and we were able to encourage each other...the weekend is kind of a blur of socialization and good convos, but the warfare for me went into high gear on Sunday night...

I went to Sunday night prayer and was truly blessed but I just started feeling the doubt and fear creeping in about everything. Like, could I really do this? Did I really want to do this? I've been taking care of someone from my church's mom three nights a week this summer overnight and when I went Sunday night I just had overwhelming anxiety about everything. I literally just had to put on the helmet of salvation and the breastplate of righteousness- drew my sword of the Spirit and threw out some verses- and went to bed.

Monday and Tuesday just continued in the discouragement. Whereas last Monday and Tuesday I saw so much fruit in my College and Career ministry, now I just felt dead there. What was going on??? Wasn't this where God wanted me???

 It was like I'd stepped out of the boat looking at Jesus originally and was doing great- and next thing you know I noticed the waves crashing around me. The verses I read were Psalm 77 

 Its so weird to look at my last post and truly believe that was only a week ago. The Lord has rocked my world so much since then.

I think I need to preface this post with what Sr High Youth Ministry means to me: Sr High Ministry is a major part of my life. I schedule the majority of my social, work, family life around it. And I have since 2003 when I was a 9th grader. I could probably count the number of events I've missed belonging to Sr high on two hands since then, not counting my year of exile (after you graduate they ask you to take a year off until you become a leader). I love Sr High. I always have. I always will. Sr High is my Friday nights for the most part. Almost all of my friends are Sr high staff. We plan our social events around Sr high. We socialize at Sr High.  Sr High is my Wednesday nights. I haven't been in the sanctuary on Wednesday nights consecutively for about the last two years. I usually only check my email because I may be getting an email relating to Sr high. The Sr High website is the on my top sites list when I open my internet browser. Sr High is my facebook status updates and  a major percentage of my Facebook friends...I know this is starting to sound pretty pathetic. But I was wholeheartedly Sr High staff.
Yes.
Was.
Jesus called me out of it this week.
So here's what the Lord showed me at Coatesville. I mean, this has been a process for months now and you can trace it if you look back over some of my posts recently. Something had to go. Sr High wasn't an option. But even looking over my posts I realized- I've barely posted about Sr High. I've barely prayed for Sr High. When life was getting crazy, I wouldn't admit it to myself but it was Sr High that was taking the back-burner.

my devo spot

So on Saturday morning, I walked out of my bunk and toward my devo spot. (And look even how faithful the Lord was to prepare me for this season!)  On my way I just felt this sense of ending. Like my time at this spot was over. Mid-basketball court the tears started streaming- No more Coatesville? and then the thought went one step further- No more Sr High? What could this mean? But in the Lord's mercy and grace, part of the "Banner" (memory) verse for the week came to my mind:
"Fear Not" - but why "Fear Not" ? Why shouldn't I fear? I think I have every reason to fear- my whole life was about to change drastically! My pride would have to be humbled. My Friday nights would be empty. No small groups? No Wednesday night studies? Everyone going to Coatesville, Prayer Retreats, Winter Retreats without me??? I thin I had every right to fear- but Jesus said- "Fear not"- key word here being "Jesus said."
If anyone else said, Fear not- it would not mean anything. This week our theme was "Jesus our Hero." The skits revolved around a hero named "hero man." He was a failing hero. If Hero man told me to "fear not," it would be no comfort.  But it is Jesus who tells me to "Fear Not." Not even Brian or Mike. Not my friends. Not even Pastor Joe. It is Jesus- He is my comfort.
And He began to reveal to me who He is through the rest of our memory verse:
"Jesus Christ, the faithful witness, the firstborn from the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth, says, 'Fear not. I am the First and the Last and the Living One. I died and behold, I am alive forevermore" (Revelation 1:5, 17, 18)

"The faithful witness"- the one who stands before the Father testifying of what He has seen- that Christ Himself died and rose- being the "Firstborn from the dead" because He loved me- to save me. And He witnesses my whole life- all my failing- and loves me still. He witnesses that His blood covers me- through Him I have the redemption of sins. I can stand before the Father, washed, blameless.  It is the Jesus who conquered death who tells me to "fear not."

"the ruler of the kings of the earth"- 'no power of hell, no scheme of man- can ever pluck me from His hand.' What can man do to me? What situation can arise the He has no control over? He rules even the kings, governors, presidents.

"I am the First and the Last and the Living One"- Time has no dominion over Him. Even lately I've watched Him make "a day as a thousand years and a thousand years as a day"- it feels like that's the amount of time it should take for the work in me to be accomplished! He's always there- in every situation. And He sovereignly controls it.

"I died and behold I am alive forevermore"- death has no reign over Him. And so death has no reign over me- through Him. Eternity is before me.

So why do I fear? Jesus who has full dominion, Jesus who died because He loves me, Jesus who is coming again says, "fear not."

And so I felt peace that morning. I felt like I could give it up to this Jesus- but only for a season. I mean, He wouldn't really call me to give up sr high, would He?  This was all just a little test this morning. I'd come through and through Christ has been victorious- right?

And so I went through my day, and met with some friends. and I shared about that morning. And now I felt like- 'wait, this could be real!' And I was scared again. And even though I'd opened my hand a crack, I still wasn't really letting go- because- That Jesus- He wouldn't do that to me. Didn't He know I needed Sr High????

I went into communion that night. And every song called Him Lord- and I told Him "no."
Every song said He was worthy and I held my fist shut. Every song called to give Him all- and I couldn't take it anymore. He was calling and I had to answer. Jesus died. He shed His blood. He loves me. He's worthy. I had to let go if I ever wanted to know this Jesus more or be able to praise Him. To bring Him glory.
And so I let go.
And I worshipped.

And so afterwards I told me friends. I talked to my friend Sara on a wet bench under a broken umbrella in the rain. We both knew I would never have come up with this on my own. The idea of me leaving sr high was so ridiculous, insane, out of the blue. It had never been an option. Sr high was mine. I would never even pray about giving up Sr High...

Months ago Pastor Joe taught on Mary and Martha. I knew I was being Martha. I was so busy. I was not sitting at Jesus feet. "But Martha was distracted with much serving." "Martha Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion which shall not be taken away from her" (Luke 10:41) and even during communion Saturday night, someone read the account where Mary poured out her all on Jesus' feet. Jesus said to Judas when he criticized her, "Leave her alone, so that se may keep it for the day of my burial. For the poor you, but you do not always have Me." (John 12:7). And Sunday morning as I thought on these things, I found in my Bible a sheet of song lyrics and on the back "Don't Hold Back." And then I remembered, my friend Ade had shared one morning on Mary's story. I had forgotten. But Jesus had been preparing me- to pour out my all to Him. My treasures. He was worthy of them.

And after Joe taught on Mary and Martha I knew I needed to seek His heart for all my ministries. But I wouldn't really. Because somewhere deep inside of me- I wasn't willing to let go if He asked for them. So if I don't offer them to Him, I won't have to say no when He asks for them, right? I remember awhile ago my friend Chantale asking me how I was doing. And for some reason I shared with her how I was touched by the Mary/Martha study. She asked if she could pray with me and I remember her praying that I'd know which ministries to be a part of and which need to go. And part of me recoiled then. Part of me knew that the Lord would answer that prayer. Part of me knew I didn't really want Him to. And what's funny is I got a text from Chantale this week. I hadn't talked to her or texted her probably since that talk. All it said was "Beloved, 'Cast your anxieties upon Him for He cares for you' 1 Peter 5:7" He was preparing me all week.

On the camping trip we read those verses I wrote about in my last post in Zechariah. "And when you eat and when you drink, do you not eat for yourselves and drink for yourselves?" (7:6) And even in 8:23, "In those days ten men from the nations of every tongue shall take hold of the robe of a Jew, saying, "Let us go with you, for we have heard that God is with you""- and if I'm not following after God- who would ever say that of me. How can I lead people to a Lord that I'm not following after?

Midweek, some drama had arisen with some girls and I felt like I literally had no wisdom to deal with it. Nothing. And I honestly didn't really want girls to come to me about things. I hid from it. And I wanted just to be with staff. And I wanted just to play Monopoly Deal. (pathetic I know).
And my heart- my heart wasn't right. I had to let this go. What's the point of it all if it isn't for God's glory? If it bears no fruit in my life or these sr highers lives.

The Lord has continued to just confirm that the time was over. Really random things. Like for some reason when I was getting the make-up station supplies at the store before Coatesville I was determined to get a plastic bin so I could keep everything in the sr high closet. And I decided to label it and make a list on top of all the supplies that were needed...just in case...i wasn't going to be able to do it next year...

And just what the Lord has shown me through it and just how near and real He's been. How much more settled I feel (though I have waves of sorrow when I think of everthing I'm going to miss out on. which is just plain selfish. though I still get worried that I'm crazy and made all this up. though I get anxious at the idea of my friends all going to staff meeting without me. its a million little things that have just always been there that won't be anymore. strange. just so different.) but I really am confident that this is the Lord's will. That He is pleased. I need Him so much right now. I need Him to be real for me. And He has been.
And I'm watching it take a purifying effect on my entire life. I've hid behind my busy-ness. Friendships that need to go deeper. Friends who have walked away from the Lord I need to pursue. College and Careerers that need friends- who need someone who has a Friday night open- because they're alone because they gave up their friends to follow Jesus. Kids who graduated senior high who need to get plugged in. I know how hard that first year out of sr high is...I feel like I'm almost reliving it- but with so much more knowledge of who Jesus is- by His grace I've learned there is no other Fountain.
I've hid from all of this things because I was "too busy" bearing no fruit, living selfishly, pursuing my own agenda.
Praise the Lord He's freeing me.

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in His way; though he fall, he will not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.
" I have been young and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or His children begging for bread. He is ever-lending generously and His children become a blessing." Psalm 37:23-26

hero man

facepainting and nail salon

being with these girls and watching people <3

I'm going to miss Sr High. Everyone asks what I'm doing instead. Well, I'm just still doing all the other million things I've been doing but praying for the Lord to purify and remove any of them if they also have to go. I want to be able to pour myself into them but as an outflow of what the Lord pours into me.

Sorry for the major lack of updating. Too busy living life, you know? And the busier I got the more unmotivated I became to update about it because I knew how long it would take...and now I'm forgetting everything I wanted to update about and don't even know where to begin...ha

So we'll start with Grandma, I guess, since this blog is half about her (and half about me!):
Well, we left off with grandma having gotten out of the hospital with a bladder infection, but than her lungs were sounding bad. As the week progressed, her lungs had ups and downs. We had home care coming out to see her and all that jazz, but she continued to just decline not only with her breathing but mentally also. She just was not communicating, kind of just making noises. But the trouble came when she decided to stop eating last weekend. She literally ate and drank nothing all weekend. Monday I called the home care office but they kept not calling back. So finally I knew it was time to call hospice. Deciding to call hospice was a lot more of an emotional experience than I imagined it would be. My mom cried talking about. I had teared up talking to our nurse about it. But when grandma stopped eating I knew we needed their help.

So hospice came out not last monday but the monday before and I mean, things aren't a ton different. She's eating again. We have nurses who come out and chaplains and I get enemas in the mail. I have an aide who helps me out a ton because I got another job recently.

Someone from church hired me to watch their mom three nights a week. She has Parkinson's and dementia. I lay in a bed next to her hospital bed, put my hand on her back, and say "do you feel me here" and then I get her drinks and put her on the commode whenever she needs to.

I'm tired lately.

But the aide is a huge help cause she comes the mornings after I work so I can sleep for a few hours and have peace of mind that grandma is changed and fed. And the aide is a sweetheart and seems like she genuinely cares about grandma.

Now I'm still doing all of the other things I mentioned.
ESL has been super interesting- not what I expected but awesome nonetheless. Our people have been super flaky: like one week it'll be a group of 14. the next week it will be a group of 10 with like only two people being the same as the week before. Really random. But we got a family coming out from Belarus. We invited their 16 year old daughter out to our Sr High event that was like a week-long in house retreat. She and her friend came out- they were pretty hyper and flirty but they sat through at least 8 Bible studies, opened up Bibles in English and Russian, and heard the gospel. And who knows what the Lord will do with that.
Also and girl from France who is in highschool came out to one of our Bible studies too, so that was encouraging.
Its been such a diverse class- China, Moldova, Belarus, Lithuania, Russia, Ukraine, France (originally from Benin, Africa), Yemen, Brazil and those are only the countries I'm listing off the top of my head. “Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told." Hab. 1:5


And Girl's study has been great too. The same kind of deal- different people every week, but really sweet. Hebrews is awesome. 


Next week is Coatesville- so not even ready for it at all. I'm going to the beach Thursday and just want to lay there and read my Bible and prepare my heart for next week. This summer is flying by!


That's another thing I'm learning. Be still. I'm really bad at that. I mean, laziness- I'm like an expert at laziness, but being still is so different than being lazy. Stillness is not really a passive thing. It does take discipline. Motivation. determination. things I'm really bad at. Mary and Martha. 
I went camping this weekend (yes in the middle of a heat wave) and we were looking at Zechariah 7 where the Jews had instituted a fast that they did to mourn, but God hadn't instituted the fast. They the Lord said, "When you fasted and mourned in the fifth month and in the seventh, for these seventy years, was it for me that you fasted? 6 And when you eat and when you drink, do you not eat for yourselves and drink for yourselves?" (Zech 7:5-6) and I felt like He was asking me that about all the things that I'm doing. I'm busy. Really really busy. But why am I doing all of these things? What's my reason. And I know for the most part I'm not doing them as an outflow of my love for God, I'm not doing them to bring Him glory. I'm doing them for people, or because I'm "supposed to" or because I still have that legalistic tendency that somehow I can "earn" my relationship with God. But no, really the Lord is saying to me- "Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted on the earth." Psalm 46:10
He isn't telling me to stop doing everything I'm doing, at least I don't think. But I think I need to re-examine my motives. Cause seriously- what is any of this worth if it's not for the glory of God- if its not done from a pure heart? If I'm ignoring sitting at Jesus' feet to bake a tray of brownies for ESL or neglect reading His word so I can have a clean house for Girl's study. And I honestly don't have the strength to do all this stuff. I'm pulled like thirty ways and can hardly give myself to all of the things I'm called to. And how does that glorify God? How does that lift up His name? How does that draw me closer to Him.
I need Him.  I need Him to bear any fruit in my life. I need Him to reach the lost. I need Him to even worship Him. I can't do any of it. 
"Come to me all you who labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of Me for I am meek and lowly of heart."
Burning out in ministry does not glorify God. He's gloried in my weakness being made perfect in His strength.  I want to learn of Him. And in that to draw near to Him. The goal= to know Him more and through that bring glory to His name. To truly worship Him.
He's so passionate about His name.
and with all that said- I'm leaving for coatesville tomorrow. please pray. i'm really tired. i want to glorify and know God more this week. I want to minister to our sr highers. I want to minister to our Coatesville kids. I want to do it in the Lord's strength through the power of the Holy Spirit.


p.s. just to prove how busy i am I started this on the 18th and am finally posting it today...ugh!

Psalms 32:8

"I will instruct  thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go : I will guide thee with Mine eye ." Hebrews 12: 2 "looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith" "Look around and be distressed.Look within and be depressed. Look to Jesus and be at rest."- Corrie Ten Boom